5 things you've learned about your ex since the breakup

[DustySaltus]

We all need time to process what happened but I've realized a few things that would have been huge problems down the line anyway. Here's what I've learned, what have you learned?

 

1. She was playing private investigator on me for months. Never thought to communicate with me if she found out things that would concern her. Used the information that she found out to try to make me feel guilty, when they were things I shouldn't even feel guilty about as leverage for her to make me stay on her home turf (in another country) forever. That's not a way to begin a marriage.

 

2. Everything was always all or nothing with her. Either you do this or I can't be with you. Then I would stand my ground and a few days later she would tell me that she needed to stop doing that...only for it to occur again. It shouldn't have to be all or nothing on a consistent basis, especially when you are engaged.

 

3. Never has had a relationship over a year as a 31 year old female. Although she was proposed to twice, never saw herself getting married to them.I have a feeling it might have been the other way around, at LEAST in one case, with the way her attitude is.

 

4. Something always had to be wrong, there always needed to be drama. She couldn't be in a steady relationship, it wasn't exciting to her. She always wanted me to chase her, up until the very end.

 

5. Nothing that occured warranted a broken engagement. She knows that relationships take a lot of work, but it was all one way. When she had to do her part, she became a runner. But she wasn't a regular runner, she was running with knives in her hand (trying to hurt my career and life here in general). Some of thing that she did made me relieved that I didn't have children with this woman because she would use every opportunity to hold them hostage against me whenever something happened that she didn't like. Because she knows I would never, ever abandon them...c'mon that's not love.

 

These are the things that I keep repeating in my head on those days where she pops into my head again and it has helped me get through this difficult time.

[frustrated&sad]

We all need time to process what happened but I've realized a few things that would have been huge problems down the line anyway. Here's what I've learned, what have you learned?

 

1. She was playing private investigator on me for months. Never thought to communicate with me if she found out things that would concern her. Used the information that she found out to try to make me feel guilty, when they were things I shouldn't even feel guilty about as leverage for her to make me stay on her home turf (in another country) forever. That's not a way to begin a marriage.

 

2. Everything was always all or nothing with her. Either you do this or I can't be with you. Then I would stand my ground and a few days later she would tell me that she needed to stop doing that...only for it to occur again. It shouldn't have to be all or nothing on a consistent basis, especially when you are engaged.

 

3. Never has had a relationship over a year as a 31 year old female. Although she was proposed to twice, never saw herself getting married to them.I have a feeling it might have been the other way around, at LEAST in one case, with the way her attitude is.

 

4. Something always had to be wrong, there always needed to be drama. She couldn't be in a steady relationship, it wasn't exciting to her. She always wanted me to chase her, up until the very end.

 

5. Nothing that occured warranted a broken engagement. She knows that relationships take a lot of work, but it was all one way. When she had to do her part, she became a runner. But she wasn't a regular runner, she was running with knives in her hand (trying to hurt my career and life here in general). Some of thing that she did made me relieved that I didn't have children with this woman because she would use every opportunity to hold them hostage against me whenever something happened that she didn't like. Because she knows I would never, ever abandon them...c'mon that's not love.

 

These are the things that I keep repeating in my head on those days where she pops into my head again and it has helped me get through this difficult time.

 

 

My list would be a lot longer than 5 items.

 

But here goes:

 

1. He cheated. That was fun to figure out.

2. He lied. More fun for me.

3. He kept a list of everything I did wrong in his eyes for 7 months. Never talked about this "list," just continued to compile it.

4. He was sabotaging our relationship all along, but I chose not to notice.

5. He is a sociopath. And I'm not kidding about this.

 

I, too, made a much longer list. I posted it above my computer. It's a great way to move on.

 

What have I learned?

1. Trust my gut insticts.

2. Don't stubbornly refuse to see red flags.

3. Love myself more.

4. Be more careful with my heart.

5. This was the best darn experience I could have endured. I have been learning more about myself than I ever thought possible. So, in the end, I am "glad" that I had my heart broken. Healing is such a strange, yet cathartic process.

[CM2009]

1) That she was seeing another guy during our seperation (who was kind of like a friend)

2) She lied to me about her seeing him

3) How retarded she can be

4) If his wife see's her I feel bad for my STBXW

5) How selfish she is

[lsb]

this is a good idea...

 

1- I really did not realize just how immature he really was. This whole break up thing really makes me see how immature and silly he is. It is over and he is still being completely childish about things and won't move on.

 

2 - How insecure he is. Big time. In my head I always knew he was a bit insecure, but actually now thinking about it, he is really very insecure. He use to make remarks about me hanging out with my friends who are girls!

 

3 - One thing also makes me realize it is good I ended it when I did. It would just have been so much worse if I prolonged it or if we got even more serious.

 

4 - He is crazy. And when it comes down to it, is why I think I really did break up with him. When I was in the hospital he called me up one morning when I was in severe pain and feeling very low and told me how he had to think of himself and couldn't come everyday, he talked about us going on vacation, spending our lives together and how he would get a good job....all this crazy **** that had nothing to do about me being sick.

 

5 - He has no respect for himself. Therefore, he has no respect for me or anyone. He did not respect my boundaries. He crossed many, many lines especially in this break up. Like contacting my friends and NOT giving me the space I asked for.

[openbook08]

FUN

 

1. pathological liar

 

2. insecure/immature

 

3. actually not as popluar as he had me believe or as he himself believed

 

4. cheat

 

5. unnecessarily cruel/nasty to people, see 1-4 above

 

[dianna]

1.he is a arrogant prick

2.selfish selfish selfish

3.he's going to end up like his father..depressed and stuck in his house

4.he wants to be a rockstar and he will crush everybody to achieve his goal including his mom

5. he is dazed and confused

 

 

i hope he chokes

[Beeotch]

I have learned a lot more about him since the break up versus when we were together...

 

In some ways I feel like if a second chance occurs, this break-up and what I have gathered and now understand are VITAL to making our relationship work a second time around...I obviously do not know what the future holds and I'm not very worried but I do believe that all things happen for a reason and this is one of them and 1 such reason is so that I can understand him better.

 

But I have found out that he has attachment issues and emotional wounds from the past and that the arrogance and nonchalance he displays are actually very fake and are a defense mechanism. He is not as strong and detached as he makes it seem...

 

I suppose what I have found out do not anger me or make me bitter...but actually help me to be more sympathetic and understanding of some of his behavior. Instead of being upset at first thinking he was an a-hole without a cause and so forth...now...I actually feel bad for him in a lot of ways that he is pretending to be happy, he let our relationship go because of fear, he makes poor choices because of this fear, he is timid to admit it and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him. So every relationship he enters will be the same...it is very dismal and it makes me sad more than upset.

[silic0ntoad]

I haven't learned anything. NC has been good to me. I've been in the dark. Her pedastal has been removed.

[DustySaltus]

Yeah, but I meant looking back on everything not actually LOOKING for stuff lol

[silic0ntoad]

Yeah, but I meant looking back on everything not actually LOOKING for stuff lol

 

 

Oh, damn! lol. Well, here are my 5 I suppose.

 

1. She is lazy as hell.

2. She is a chameleon- IE, absorbs other people's personalities. LAME.

3. She is a runner.

4. I am better off without her, since she never wanted to do ANYTHING.

5. She has no idea how to communicate.

 

So, yeah. That's what I learned. Maybe we should do a thread about what you learned about YOURSELF?

[greenparrot]

just one thing:

 

i didnt really know her as well as i thought. and i dont like what i know see.

[northstar1]

1 - Has the "Grass is Always Greener' Syndrome. In everything. There will always be a better job, better apartment, better city - than what she has.

 

2 - Lives in the moment. Once it's done, it never happened in her mind. Connects back to point 1.

 

3 - Overly dramatic - everything is always the best. ever.

 

4 - Way more attention seeking than I had noticed.

[DustySaltus]

So, yeah. That's what I learned. Maybe we should do a thread about what you learned about YOURSELF?

 

1. If I can travel 15000 miles for someone I loved, I know that I really have learned to back up my words with actions.

 

2. Making that 12 hour plane trip back after a broken engagement gave me strength to realize that I can deal with anything.

 

3. Ask ten different people what "love" means and you'll get ten different answers. I really equate it with being an action word.

 

4. I dodged a bullet.

 

5. I've learned to love myself first more than anyone else. This was the most important lesson.

[Lizzie60]

Mine will be very short.. ONE thing I've learned.. (with my first ex)

 

I should have left 15 years before..

[jv032889]

1. Selfish

2. She lacked communication skills

3. Boring-We never did anything fun

4. two-faced

5. Sneaky-

[AlBundy4TD]

1.) I think she enjoyed the attention I gave her, but only reciprocated enough to keep me around.

 

2.) I don't think she was over her previous relationship and kept her walls up too high for me to have a chance.

 

3.) She has some growing up to do. She still lived at home at 25, was too much about partying still, and seemed to just kind of exist without goals or ambitions.

 

4.) She had the potential to be a substance abuser later in life; it was already starting some.

 

5.) She needed too much external validation from me, family, friends, students, etc.

 

 

What did I learn?

 

1.) Not to let a woman become the focal point of my life (again)....

 

2.) Do NOT ignore the red flags or gut feelings; they are usually right.

 

3.) I am capable of falling for someone again after a MUCH harder breakup before this girl.

 

4.) When I'm ready, it won't be hard to find another girl.

 

5.) Since I'm new to where I live, I should focus on finding friends and activities, not just a girlfriend.

[Adunaphel]

The breakup was over three years ago, but...

 

 

1) We *really* were not compatible.

2) We spoke two different languages... miscommunications was not the consequence of relationship problems, more like one of the causes.

3) We express love and care in more different ways than we thought.

4) He was wrong all along when he said that some personality traits of mine would change over the years.

5) I misjudged him when I thought he was very manipulative...again, it was different personality/beliefs/way of communicating.

 

I hope he is doing fine and will soon be in a fulfilling relationship.

[t0ri]

1. - He just wasn't "that" into me apparently. He had me fooled, though. I believed him when he told me I was "the one" two weeks before dumping me, etc.

 

2. - He's an arrogant, wanna-be-womanizer, with many bad qualities I'd always ignore.

 

3. - The most important thing in his life, are his friends. He told me it was me. Pshh..

 

4. - He'll never amount to very much.

 

5. - I can't figure out why I fell in love with him and am still thinking of him.

[icyness]

1. Began lying towards the very end of our relationship and was just dandy with it, even after I caught him.

 

2. Claims he knows what he wants out of life, yet his actions and words are rather conflicting which tells me he's confused as hell but won't admit it.

 

3. Was all talk when it came to us after all.

 

4. Selfish and cold as hell.

 

5. Just not at all the man I thought he was.

[bluewolf17]

1.-That I am not a mind reader, and neither is he.

 

2.- Don't be impulsive.

 

3-You don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore.

 

4- Love is not a one time thing.

 

5- I don't need a guy to be happy.

[dashing daisy]

This is a great idea for a thread.

 

1. He's incredibly immature.

 

2. He has this need for everything to be perfect.

 

3. He doesn't know how to deal with his emotions.

 

4. He can't communicate effectively. When he thinks there is a problem he will just ignore it entirely until he reaches his breaking point and freaks out.

 

5. He doesn't know what he really wants.

[callingyouuu]

1. She is very dependent upon other people to provide her compliments and attention to allow herself to feel confident. Yuck.

 

2. I used to think she liked to go against the grain and didn't have a lot of care for social constructs, but then I see her behavior afterwards and see the exact opposite. She cares a LOT about social status. Big, yet subtle at the time, reason why we didn't completely mesh well.

 

3. Insensitive to how she makes dumpees feel. I don't think she does it on purpose, but it still sucks being on that end.

 

4. Not over her ex.

 

5. She's kind of a prissy, preppy b*tch.

 

Thinking about this list, I actually have no clue why there was so much chemistry between us.

[leap83]

It's been 1 year and 3 months but here's mine...

 

1. He is NEVER going to change.

 

2. He's immature, manipulative and a liar.

 

3. We were not compatible. He was not the right person for me.

 

4. He likes to test waters and make me backpedal in my recovery (but last time I tossed the ball straight at him... he's been silent since then).

 

5. He doesn't deserve any respect whatsoever or apology.

[moo]

1-extreme selfishnes should not be excused

 

2-no matter how sweet the talk is, go by a person's actions

 

3-if someone doesn't want to go to couple's counseling to fix the relationship, it's time to leave

 

4-if someone doesn't put effort into the relationship, talk to them and give it a few months...to see if they will change. If they don't and don't want to work it out, then leave.

Excuses are not a substitute for effort

 

5-If they are not speaking to almost everyone in their family...HUGE red flag. If they manipulated and cheated before...huge red flag. If they did something egregiously selfish toward you, they will probably do it again and HUGE red flag. DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE RED FLAGS. PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. DO NOT IGNORE THEM.