Boyfriend doesn't want me to get fat

[AAlike]

Unforturnaately a lot of men feel the way your bf does. He has explained he doesn't want you fat under any circumstances (including after child birth). I would slowly get away from him if you want to marry, have kids and be happy. He will destroy your self-esteem in the long run. Also men don't care how fat their asses get they just want ours to be small.

 

I would agree that if his statement were to be taken literally, then yes, you should run to a galaxy far, far away.

 

one thing to factor in though, before you do so, is that he's in his early 20's. when you're still young and dating, I think that you are a lot more concerned about public perception and wanting people to think that you are dating someone "hot"...so much in fact that you might emphasize things that you really won't end up caring about as you start to really appreciate someone.

 

When I was 21 I might have said some stupid crap like your BF said - at that time I had all of these preconceived notions about how I wanted my ideal girl to look and everything else. Well, fast forward 11 years and my fiancee looks nothing like any of those notions. she's pregnant and showing right now and i'm super hot for her...and honestly I don't particularly care if she loses the weight after the birth or not. if you had asked the 21-year old me if I would still find her attractive, let alone MORE attractive, like this, I would have probably said no.

[AAlike]

I think most guys don't want their partner to get fat. But "want" is the key word, it doesn't mean he'd leave you the second you gain weight. It's purely an ideal at this point. He seems to be like me, I wouldn't leave if my gf gained weight, but if she becomes lazy and never exercises again and eats junk food every day, then I would have to leave. If she gains weight, then I would encourage her to exercise and eat healthy. If the weight gain isn't her fault (stress, baby, etc) then there is no reason to leave her.

 

right, I couldn't date anyone lethargic whether they weighed 80 or 800 pounds.

[loveslife]

When I was 25 and dating a 23-year-old guy a mutual friend had gotten a bit large. One day when my bf and I were having lunch the topic of her weight gain came up and I asked him, would you still love me if I got heavy like her?

 

His response? "You wouldn't let that happen."

 

I said, c'mon.

 

He said, "You wouldn't let that happen."

 

I think back on that and just shake my head. What an immature and STUPID thing to say.

 

It's unhealthy to be overweight and keeps you from being able to be active. Be good to yourself. But don't take what this guys says to heart. COnsider how he's been trying to mold some "perfect body image" for himself. And decide if that kind of attitude is something you want to live with.

 

That said, I do believe a lot of guys lose interest in sex with a partner who gains a lot of weight. Most are just sensitive (or smart) enough to not call attention to their partner's weight.

[AAlike]

When I was 25 and dating a 23-year-old guy a mutual friend had gotten a bit large. One day when my bf and I were having lunch the topic of her weight gain came up and I asked him, would you still love me if I got heavy like her?

 

His response? "You wouldn't let that happen."

 

I said, c'mon.

 

He said, "You wouldn't let that happen."

 

I think back on that and just shake my head. What an immature and STUPID thing to say.

 

I don't know, I think that's actually a fairly diplomatic answer...

 

I feel like there are so many unnecessary fights and implicit, inaccurate conclusions that are caused by "would you still love me if..." questions.

 

in the case of "would you still love me if I gained weight", girls tend to view anything but an instant, emphatic "yes" as a sign that the guy is ready to fly the coop the moment she gains a dress size, whereas guys think that if they say yes that it the girl all of a sudden has open season to cancel her gym membership and start drinking crisco and he's now tied in since he said that it wouldn't matter. women ask it in an idealistic way and men answer in a pragmatic sense.

 

The question itself is loaded and results in both parties putting up defense mechanisms and therefore creates a situation where there probably shouldn't be one. I mean OP asked her boyfriend "what would be the maximum weight that I could be" - was her BF's answer moronic? yes, but there is no good answer to that question. in fact, I think that most guys probably couldn't even tell that you gained five, even ten pounds unless you made a big deal out of it.

 

It's unhealthy to be overweight and keeps you from being able to be active. Be good to yourself. But don't take what this guys says to heart. COnsider how he's been trying to mold some "perfect body image" for himself. And decide if that kind of attitude is something you want to live with.

 

like I said, I think that you might be inferring too much from his answer.

 

if my fiancee, before she got pregnant, would have asked me "if we woke up tomorrow and I weighed more than you (yes, by 5 lbs, but I am boney maroney haha) would you still be attracted to me", I probably would have told her that I had no idea, and it probably would have caused a stupid fight. however, now that it's actually happening, the answer is a resounding yes.

 

That said, I do believe a lot of guys lose interest in sex with a partner who gains a lot of weight. Most are just sensitive (or smart) enough to not call attention to their partner's weight.

 

I'm sure that there is probably a weight level at which my partner would no longer be attractive to me, and I would expect that there would also be a level at which I would no longer be attractive to her. I'm not sure what that level is, but I would think that if she began to be unattractive to me that I could simply discuss it with her and we could hopefully rectify the situation - but honestly, as someone else pointed out here, for her to reach that level I would assume that her lifestyle would have already become enough of a problem that this would simply be an after-effect.

[Trialbyfire]

Before we expand to the nether-reaches of weight gain, let`s keep in mind that this guy stated he would have a problem with her going from underweight to normal weight. A massive red flag!!

[loveslife]

AAlike, I think that was a very intelligent response to the points I raised. Thanks.

 

Now what if she pooped in the toilet without flushing?

[AAlike]

AAlike, I think that was a very intelligent response to the points I raised. Thanks.

 

hey no problem...

 

to put it another way:

 

Women, especially younger ones, often have an irrational fear that if they gain even a marginal amount of weight, whether through pregnancy, aging, or just not having as much time to donate to body maintenance when in a relationship, that their guy will instantly kick them to the curb.

 

Men, especially younger ones, often have an irrational fear that the only reason that a woman took the time to look presentable was to "lure them in," and the moment that the guy commits, the woman will immediately go 100% Peggy Bundy on them and completely let herself go physically.

 

Questions like "would you love me if I got fat" and the corresponding answers are just catering to these silly fears on both sides.

 

Now what if she pooped in the toilet without flushing?

 

oh, well then she should be executed. I prefer firing squad.

[Els]

Especially if she flushes when she pees but not when she poos eh?? :D:D

[Sam Spade]

Without getting into the intricacies of inter-gender communications, no boyfriend wants his gf to get fat , shocking, I know . Since men are aware of (some? most? all?) women's tedency to get comfortable (or stop caring) in relationships and baloon, you often get lame comments like the one from your bf.

Finally, it is not true that with age people get naturally fat. People get fat because they become increasingly more sedentary and eat more as they age, but it doesn't have to be that way. Saying that it is only natural to get fat with age is precisely the kind of attitude towards the matter that men fear...

[Isolde]

Without getting into the intricacies of inter-gender communications, no boyfriend wants his gf to get fat , shocking, I know . Since men are aware of (some? most? all?) women's tedency to get comfortable (or stop caring) in relationships and baloon, you often get lame comments like the one from your bf.

Finally, it is not true that with age people get naturally fat. People get fat because they become increasingly more sedentary and eat more as they age, but it doesn't have to be that way. Saying that it is only natural to get fat with age is precisely the kind of attitude towards the matter that men fear...

 

People's metabolisms slow down with age and that's a fact. However, barring serious medical issues, much can be done to delay and minimize it. There's no reason to let yourself become overweight, but saying a 60 year old can stay as thin as a 30 year old is just not true, especially for women.

[Trialbyfire]

The lower your testosterone level goes down, the more weight you'll gain. This is medical fact.

[sweetjasmine]

The lower your testosterone level goes down, the more weight you'll gain. This is medical fact.

 

^ This, plus people's metabolism slows down, and other changes in hormones can trigger weight gain.

 

For most people, you can keep the same exact eating and exercise habits you had when you were 25, and by the time you're 50, you'll have put on weight.

[Phateless]

I told my boyfriend that I felt like eating pizza but probably shouldn't because didn't want to get fat but said oh you'll still love me won't you if I get fat?

 

And he said "how fat are we talking?"

And I said you tell me. So he said "60 kgs" (132 pounds)

btw I am currently 50 kgs (110 pounds) and 165cms (5'5)

 

i got really upset about him over this comment because I am only 22 and my body is going to change and i said what about when i have a baby. and he said well we'll just get you into the gym straight after.

 

he apologised a lot after after i kept going on about it and said he was only joking but i think there is some truth in it. he said he didnt think it was a reality that i was going to get fat and he doesnt want me to get fat. But he said he wouldnt leave me if i did, he'd probably just encourage me to lose the weight.

 

oh and he's being trying to gain weight (put on muscle) throughout the past year and a half - the time we've been together, and he's gone up and down over that time. when i met him he was pretty skinny and i actually prefer him now and he has got a little beer belly which i do sometimes make negative comments about. so maybe i should just let it go cos we're just as shallow as each other, but i can't stop thinking about it...

 

what does everyone else think.

 

With all due respect, you brought this all up and laid a trap for him. Nobody wants their SO to get less attractive and nobody wants to feel like their SO will let themselves go because they're in a relationship.

[Britney23]

Before we expand to the nether-reaches of weight gain, let`s keep in mind that this guy stated he would have a problem with her going from underweight to normal weight. A massive red flag!!

 

I just want to clarify that I'm not underweight but I do agree that I would still be normal weight at the weight he suggested was fat. Thats what really made me angry.

 

But he did say he was only joking. I have gained weight since been with him and he hasn't noticed at all and reassures me that I'm still hot when I tell him. His best friend goes around saying he doesn't date anyone less than 50 kilos (110 pounds) and he's very influenced by this friend so he probably that probably has something to do with it. It does make you feel insecure though..

[Britney23]

Phateless: I think that I do that a lot without realising. But if he asked me the same question I would say "yes of course I would still love you if you got fat".

 

However, I completely understand that what AAlike said as right. He probably thought that by saying yes it meant i could stop caring about my body and get fat. But I wish he knew me well enough to trust that I won't do that.

[Phateless]

Phateless: I think that I do that a lot without realising. But if he asked me the same question I would say "yes of course I would still love you if you got fat".

 

However, I completely understand that what AAlike said as right. He probably thought that by saying yes it meant i could stop caring about my body and get fat. But I wish he knew me well enough to trust that I won't do that.

 

Makes sense. There are two things going on here.

 

1. You were fishing for reassurance/acting a little insecure - both are turnoffs, and counterproductive.

 

2. It's never fair to say "you should have known!" - How should he have known what you didn't tell him?

 

Furthermore, you were asking him to tell you what you already know. (that he'll love you anyway) You see how this is a double standard on two levels?

 

How can you expect him to know things you don't tell him, (you won't get fat) while simultaneously expecting him to tell you things you do already know? (that he'd love you anyway)

 

The fact that you asked that question makes it sound as if you plan on getting fat later on in life, which would make any guy nervous.

 

You see what I'm saying? Not trying to give you a hard time, just trying to point out a couple of ways that you might not realize you are making life harder for yourself.

 

Make sense?

[Britney23]

I'm pretty certain he was not been serious about the child birth comment.

 

I told him I want to marry someone who loves me for me and my inner beauty not for what I look like. He said he does love me for me and then brought up the fact that I have said comments about his belly at times. And I agreed and said but I still love and stay with him and he said he would do the same for me but just encourage me to lose weight. He would only leave me if I noticeably stopped caring about my weight and became lazy and had really low confidence.

 

Despite his comment he has actually done a lot to increase my self-esteem during the time I have met him. He encourages me to wear well fitted clothes and a bikini to the beach which I could never do before and if I start feeling insecure he gives me all the reassurance I need which no other guy has done. I feel totally comfortable around him in my body and he never makes me feel fat. But his comment just made me worry he's going to fall out of love with me if I do get fat.

[Phateless]

I'm pretty certain he was not been serious about the child birth comment.

 

I told him I want to marry someone who loves me for me and my inner beauty not for what I look like. He said he does love me for me and then brought up the fact that I have said comments about his belly at times. And I agreed and said but I still love and stay with him and he said he would do the same for me but just encourage me to lose weight. He would only leave me if I noticeably stopped caring about my weight and became lazy and had really low confidence.

 

Despite his comment he has actually done a lot to increase my self-esteem during the time I have met him. He encourages me to wear well fitted clothes and a bikini to the beach which I could never do before and if I start feeling insecure he gives me all the reassurance I need which no other guy has done. I feel totally comfortable around him in my body and he never makes me feel fat. But his comment just made me worry he's going to fall out of love with me if I do get fat.

 

Britney, it sounds like you have a good thing going and you need to stop constantly pestering him for reassurance. Lean to be confident and SELF ASSURED.

 

He was very clear - as long as you still care about your health, he will love you. If you just get fat because you don't care what you look like, that's the real turn-off.

[Britney23]

Makes sense. There are two things going on here.

 

1. You were fishing for reassurance/acting a little insecure - both are turnoffs, and counterproductive.

 

2. It's never fair to say "you should have known!" - How should he have known what you didn't tell him?

 

Furthermore, you were asking him to tell you what you already know. (that he'll love you anyway) You see how this is a double standard on two levels?

 

How can you expect him to know things you don't tell him, (you won't get fat) while simultaneously expecting him to tell you things you do already know? (that he'd love you anyway)

 

The fact that you asked that question makes it sound as if you plan on getting fat later on in life, which would make any guy nervous.

 

You see what I'm saying? Not trying to give you a hard time, just trying to point out a couple of ways that you might not realize you are making life harder for yourself.

 

Make sense?

 

Yes I know I'm a stupid insecure girl who expects my boyfriend to be a mindreader. Hmm its a worry and I will try to not ask him stupid questions and if i do then I wont get angry when he gives me an honest answer that any guy would say. Your right and I'm still learning. Thankfully he has a lot of patience with me and i feel lucky to have him.

[Britney23]

Britney, it sounds like you have a good thing going and you need to stop constantly pestering him for reassurance. Learn to be confident and SELF ASSURED.

 

He was very clear - as long as you still care about your health, he will love you. If you just get fat because you don't care what you look like, that's the real turn-off.

 

I agree with you but its hard to just flick a switch in my brain and suddenly become self assured but I am getting better over time. I dont like being insecure.

[Phateless]

Yes I know I'm a stupid insecure girl who expects my boyfriend to be a mindreader. Hmm its a worry and I will try to not ask him stupid questions and if i do then I wont get angry when he gives me an honest answer that any guy would say. Your right and I'm still learning. Thankfully he has a lot of patience with me and i feel lucky to have him.

 

Don't tell yourself that! You're not stupid, although you are a bit insecure.

 

He sounds like a good guy and you just need to relax and have some trust that he's not gonna disappear. Yes, it's a risk, but life is about risks.

 

It's ok to ask for reassurance once in a while, just try not to overdo it. And when you do ask questions like that, you're right, you have to be prepared for an answer that's different then the one you want.

 

It's not one-sided. He has his own worries and insecurities about how you'll be later in life, just as you do for him.

 

It sounds like you're learning something from this, so take those lessons forward and make your great relationship even better!

 

Just try to flip the situation and put yourself in his position before you make judgments. It helps.

 

What if he got really fat and obviously didn't care at all what he looked like or how you saw him? That would hurt you, wouldn't it?

[Britney23]

Yay i'm smiling now, thank you that was really nice what you said!

 

I'm definitely come back and read your advice when I'm feeling down instead of asking him.

 

Yes and if he got REALLY fat and stopped caring about himself i would still love him but find it really hard to be attracted to him and i wouldn't want that to happen so you've made a lot of good points!

[Phateless]

Yay i'm smiling now, thank you that was really nice what you said!

 

I'm definitely come back and read your advice when I'm feeling down instead of asking him.

 

Yes and if he got REALLY fat and stopped caring about himself i would still love him but find it really hard to be attracted to him and i wouldn't want that to happen so you've made a lot of good points!

 

Aw, I'm glad I could help! I think you've got this under control now girlie. Hang in there and just tell yourself over and that it's gonna be ok.

 

Do some googling for "affirmations." They help.

[Gemini09]

This guy did not say it would bother him if she was 200lbs, he said 132lbs. If he was dead serious, that is a NORMAL weight, unless she is a flipping midget. Why would a guy in their right frame of mind consider this overweight?

 

Did I miss something there? Maybe so......

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is likely brainwashed by the media to think that anything over the lowest possible BMI for height is 'overweight'. How many normal sized women do you see in Maxim? Playboy? In movies? In his mind, those = attractive, while anything over that = not attractive.

 

He might think he won't like her with a few more pounds on her, but I doubt that is the case. Now, if she gained 50 or so pounds (not counting child bearing) I don't think he would be attracted. He might still love her, but he would lose his attraction most likely.