broken_promises Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 It has been two months today since I moved out. Things are not getting easier. We had been together 3-1/2 years and living together for 1-1/2. By now, I thought I would be moving past the anger and disappointment and hurt. But I'm not. I was really hoping NC would help more than it has. I mean, it has helped in the sense that I'm not still tied into him and not having to just accept scraps of his attention while simultaneously knowing that he was already moving on. And forcing myself not to look at Facebook has definitely helped me not to just have more pain. I am still feeling so angry at how things ended. I am still so upset that I gave up so much of myself and believed all of the things that he said he wanted when, in the end, he just couldn't follow through on plans for commitment. I feel so stupid that I couldn't control what happened and couldn't stick with my own plans for life, but got sucked into believing that he wanted to commit to me when his track record should have shown me otherwise. I'm just still so upset by the way things played out over the course of our relationship and I am afraid that I am going to hold onto this bitterness for the rest of my life. (I can tend to do that with certain people/situations. My ex before this I still hate as much as the day we broke up.) Throughout our relationship, I wasn't really permitted to express any anger toward him. It was always met with dismissal and defensiveness. During the breakup, anytime things became heated or disappointment was expressed, he would become passive-aggressive and say things like, "Well, I guess every breakup has to end badly and full of anger" or "I guess I'm just the bad guy again." So, a lot of my feelings and anger that I had suppressed throughout the relationship about his broken promises didn't even get to come out much during the breakup. How do I get closure and release this anger without contacting him? How do I move on without being able to express this in words to him? I don't want to contact him, but I still feel so desperate about needing to be angry with him. Do I write a letter? Do I record it and send it to him? I just don't know how to let go without it. And even then, if the other person is not actually hearing me in real time, I don't know it would work for my closure either. I guess I'm just all over the place. I miss him sometimes, but mostly I just can't get past the anger at how he was at the end. I am also so upset with myself for letting the relationship consume me and dictate my life for so long.
silic0ntoad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Sounds exactly like my situation. Ex GF of 3.5 years bounced with no real tangible reason.. I am stuck on the anger, as well. I feel duped, cheated, almost. I feel streched and worn. It gets worse before it gets better. I've never done NC strictly before. At least, not without reading it. I am angry with myself for giving someone a piece of everything I am. I am frustrated that everything I did I shared with this person. Because now, everything reminds me of her. It's a curse. I'll never, for sure, allow myself to give all that I am to someone. There will ALWAYS be pieces of me that are mine, and no one else's.
Author broken_promises Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Sounds exactly like my situation. Ex GF of 3.5 years bounced with no real tangible reason.. I am stuck on the anger, as well. I feel duped, cheated, almost. I feel streched and worn. It gets worse before it gets better. I've never done NC strictly before. At least, not without reading it. I am angry with myself for giving someone a piece of everything I am. I am frustrated that everything I did I shared with this person. Because now, everything reminds me of her. It's a curse. I'll never, for sure, allow myself to give all that I am to someone. There will ALWAYS be pieces of me that are mine, and no one else's. Right there with you on the feeling of being duped. It is awful. I am angry with myself for trusting him. Trust was already a huge thing with me from a past relationship, although that was regarding infidelity. Now I get a whole new trust issue to deal with which is how do I ever know now when someone who says all the right things and seems so great and promises so much isn't going to take them all back? This is the first time I have ever been strictly NC in a breakup... but I have no idea what to do now that I have been successful in the NC. This whole thing sucks.
GrayClouds Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I finnally allow myself to get mad. mad?, no raging fricking lunatic. I drove for over ten miles screaming at the top of my lungs how unfair the situation was, how I deserved better, and how the ex's behavior sucked. It start as a small complaint out loud to myself and progress there. It felt a bit fake at first but one I stop care if it was, it it felt great. No one but I heard it, the next day I could not talk (voice being to hurt). At times I do get a bit angry but most of it is gone. Try it. It like a good cry just allow yourself to go there.
silic0ntoad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Right there with you on the feeling of being duped. It is awful. I am angry with myself for trusting him. Trust was already a huge thing with me from a past relationship, although that was regarding infidelity. Now I get a whole new trust issue to deal with which is how do I ever know now when someone who says all the right things and seems so great and promises so much isn't going to take them all back? This is the first time I have ever been strictly NC in a breakup... but I have no idea what to do now that I have been successful in the NC. This whole thing sucks. Don't be so hard on yourself. You can NEVER vouch for the choices made by someone else. You can only account for yourself. Thus my statements above- I'll never do it again. I'll never share EVERYTHING I am with anyone. I feel slightly sorry for the next person I meet, but if they can't understand that some pieces of me are mine and mine alone, then they aren't right for me. Unfortunately, somethings don't go to plan. They crash and burn. Are made to fail. Meet up, yet preordained to part. Life goes on. As we sit in cafes and wish for better days, new love is found and old love is broken or renewed. We have one choice alone but to grip it by the horns. If NC was succesful, that meant one of two things- he came back, or you are over it. If you don't want him back, keep using NC to get over it. Time will heal your wounds. As it is slowly knitting mine.
DustySaltus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I am still feeling so angry at how things ended. I am still so upset that I gave up so much of myself and believed all of the things that he said he wanted when, in the end, he just couldn't follow through on plans for commitment. I feel so stupid that I couldn't control what happened and couldn't stick with my own plans for life, but got sucked into believing that he wanted to commit to me when his track record should have shown me otherwise. What happened at the end that made you realize that he couldn't commit?
Author broken_promises Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 The commitment problems occured throughout the second half of the relationship. Basically, every time the relationship got to the moving in stage, he freaked out. The first time he bailed and the second time we spent lots of time discussing and arguing about it until he reluctantly conceded to me moving in with him. And then after a few months, the little statements and vague hints that he was no longer thinking of this as long-term or marriage started. This was in stark contrast to the first 1-1/2 years of him begging for me to give him an indication that I wanted marriage and such. Oh, and his relationship history is just a string of women that he made promises to (one he even married) only to end thing less than two years later. I was his longest relationship at 3-1/2 years and he is 37. And he just jumps into the next one immediately, usually with a similar type of girl. BLEH. I'm so sick of rehashing this all in my mind. There is nothing I can do about it. I can only move forward and try to recapture the life that I had before I met him. I think that is what hurts the most is that I really loved my life when we first were dating... I looked good and felt good and had a good idea of how my future was looking for finishing college and going to grad school. And then he came along and I resisted his advances for more more more commitment until, once I gave in, the tables turned and he started to distance, work more, etc. He's a classic commitment phobe. Now, I have to start over and try to regain my health, my body, my path, etc. and it just gets me so upset sometimes and so angry. I feel like I wasted so much time on nothing, only to be left with nothing now. Sorry for the sad, melancholy thing.
JLT123 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I know how you feel.. my ex gf decided to end things on, by a good margin, the ugliest note I have ever experienced. A lot of it was her saying things as mean as possible to push me away, but still, it was absolutely heart breaking. The worst part is that I was very close with her family, and I miss them a lot, too.
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