Hannah86 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 This guy that I like a lot has a terrible relationship with his mother; she was an alcoholic that beat him, and in turn he acted out a lot when he was young, so he overly punished him and would beat him more...vicious cycle. He sometimes claims to hate her and says she is irrational, but then he says he feels bad for her and that he still has unconditional love for her. I can tell he has some deep seeded issues that he doesn't want to get into with me yet, but I was wondering if anyone could give me some insight on what it is like being with someone who is the product of a household like this. I, in turn, despise my father and have no love for him, so that is how we quickly bonded. I consider myself to be level headed in everything; school, friends, work...but when it comes to relationships I can be very passionate and fall in love quickly. Some things I have noticed about him that are different from other guys are: he doesn't take compliments well (his mother didn't praise him like a normal mother does, I suppose) and he acts very awkward, he is very touchey and affectionate but claims that he doesn't like to be touchey or affectionate (trying to act hardass, not sure if that is a side effect of his mother or if he is just being macho), and most importantly, he is an absolute gentleman and very ambitious socially and in the workplace. He aspires to be like his perfect father and I my perfect mother, so we operate on the same energy level when it comes to performance at work and with friends--more than any other person I've dated, I'm happy to find someone that can deal with crisis and keep up with me. Another thing that is very different with him is, despite having an amazing job, being absolutely handsome, and come from an Ivy League education, he is already initiating the "let's not date anyone else" speech much earlier than guys I've dated from stable homes. We are both in our young 20's, and my mother lives across the country and his father died 8 years ago. In a way, we are both orphaned (although I can call my mom whenever I want, she has a life and we catch up when we can and visit once or twice a year) I was wondering if men with bad mothers might have the same neediness issues with the opposite sex as women with bad fathers. I am surprised that a man with his ducks in so neat a row has become so attached to me so quickly and can't play his cool. Is it his upbringing, or just his personality?
WhyYesThankYou Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 My advice is for you to read things about Imago Therapy, and about the idea that people are drawn to other people so that they can trigger and work out issues from their childhood. Be prepared to hurt each other, unintentionally. Be kind to each other. Good luck.
Woggle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 You could ask my wife what it is like to love a man with an abusive mother. There are trust issues with women that I doubt I will ever fully get over. To be perfectly honest men like this tend to have a ton of issues unless they do serious work on themselves. I would not blame you if you decided to move on to a more stable man. With your father issues and his mother issues this has the potential to be a powder keg so if you two really do want to be together I suggest you both work to overcome these scars.
Hkizzle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 he is already initiating the "let's not date anyone else" speech much earlier than guys I've dated from stable homes. This speech and the fact that he was abused when younger makes him very likely to be an abusive guy. Go google signs of an abusive guy and you'll get these as two of the most likely early signs. 1) Abused childhood. 2) Wants to speed a relationship along quickly. Spotting abusive guys is one of the hardest things to do. Are you sure you're up to it?
Author Hannah86 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 I am not concerned about him being abusive. He would not hurt a flea, has two younger sisters (knows how to treat women), had a great father for the majority of his life, and is never rough with me (even when we are out drinking, he doesn't get rough.) We have gotten in two or three fights after going out at night and immediately make up, and after googling Imago and the effects of dating people like "us" it's part of this weird attraction we have to drama. The page I found was spot-on in its description; we both find drama attractive and a turn on, and seek approval in the other, and if things are going steady and smoothly with a "healthy" person, we grow bored. Absolutely spot on. We weren't fighting about anything in particular, just both of us were blatantly trying to cause fights at the same time. I definitely see what people are saying about it being a powder keg after thinking about those moments. The next day, we joked about how stupid we were the night before and playfully made fun of each other for reacting "this way" to "that." As we get to know each other, I am glad to have places like LoveShack to hilight these flaws so we can talk about them and work through them. Thank you for your help, still would like to hear from others as well.
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