miztn Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Glad to find this forum cause I need some suggestions. Married to a clod. Next year would be our 20th and was considering renewing vows cause I wanted a nice family reunion, but don't need to do that anymore. Stayed through thick and thin of med school, residency etc and all that entails. Now have 3 kids and a real incentive to get myself on my own again. I probably should have seen writing on the wall when he complained when I used the phone too long during a family crises, or when he'd be x-tra nice when he needed me to do things for him (ie go through process for immigration papers, help with school stuff). Not sure how long he originally planned to have me around, but he was taken aback when I commented to him that a friend of his said "you still there" when I answered the phone pretty early on in our marriage. Anyway, for me the marriage was more about having a good companion than any feelings of love. I did enjoy his intelligence, sense of humor and ambition, but physically and emotionally, I was not "in love". After having been in that condition for 3 years and winding up in a dead end relationship, I wasn't sure that was what I needed anyway (but that's another story). Word to the wise: listen to your mother (or his). I found out from my sis a few yrs after we got married that my mom originally wanted to kidnap me and do an intervention before the wedding. Later,we got into a fight while his mom was visiting shortly after our first was born, he denied remembering an incredibly cruel thing he said to me when I told him I was pregnant with our first child (which ended in a MC shortly thereafter). His mom's comment to me was "I love you more than my son, because I think he is mean". Anyway several years later, with a child undergoing an undiagnosed disease he was largely unaffected and complained I cried too much (to my parents). The pediatrician was kind enough to call me every once in a while because she sensed "I was not getting much support at home". I "reminded him of patients he hated" when I expressed concern over not having our child closely monitored following a reaction with anesthesia, "because the doctor will decide what needs to be done". I finally saw him get unnerved when he was accused of inappropriately touching a female patient (which was eventually dismissed), but I was struck at how much more concerned he apparently was over his career than the health of his child. I guess the icing on the cake (so to speak) was when he left me at home during my 5th miscarriage; he had to round on the patients. He came back after 2-3 hours, but I can't ever remember begging anyone to do something for me as much as that day. I had planned a small b-day celebration for my daughter, which I had to last minute cancel when my bleeding (which had started the previous day) became too heavy. I was originally scheduled for a D&C but he was not happy that the doctor I was seeing was not with his group, so I cancelled. I was hoping that things would not be too bad with this one, but it turned out worse than I thought and wound up in bed at home, feeling faint anytime I had to get up. I survived. Any feelings of trust for my husband didn't. Now, as in the past, he complains of a lack of sex (it was never 'lovemaking'). My libido was dead and I figured if I never have relations with him again for the rest of my life, I wouldn't be missing much. On occasion, when I ask for money (food, clothing, etc) he reminds me that I'm failing in that department. Today he reminded me 3 times, in front of his mom, our daughter and a complete stranger at the gas station. I'm shaking as I type this because I have not let anyone know what has been going on. My parents, family have enough crises without me adding to them. Everyone thinks he is this really nice guy and they like getting free medical opinions. If anyone says a prayer for me and my kids, I would appreciate it.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 And your staying with this clown, because,..................................?
LakesideDream Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Yup, mitzn... 20 years is to long. You don't have a loving relationship and that's sad. If it's time for you to fly.. tell him and do it. Don't forget that you were there when he was going to school, and later when he built his practice. The courts will not forget that. Just please.. please don't begin another relationship until this one is officially over (if that's what you decide to do). New relationships, and affairs just muddy the waters and create lots of angst that doesen't need to happen. Luck to you,
Author miztn Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Thank you both for the feedback. The biggest reasons I'm still here are my kids, wanting to insure that they have what they need. I was warned by my sis a few yrs back that trying to raise a kid with med problems with no job/insurance is very difficult (she was previously married to a dr. who has been very little help financially) even with a settlement. I've been trying my best to get on my feet economically, but talk about bad timing! Just trying to get my plans in order so I can take the steps I need to move everything along. It's helpful to see that I'm not completely off-base tho. Right now I'm almost fearful to acknowledge what apparently others can see (and have seen) with quite a bit of clarity. I've done my best to play the role I figured I was supposed to, I guess acting has never been my forte.
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