SYL Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 This will be long. It's been months since I have written. You can look up where I last left off here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=180222 and here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=180222 Things have looked up: I have my own place, I am in a solid relationship with an extremely supportive man, I have more strength for my girls' trials with their father, I have landed a new contract job, and I am going into a great-paying job interview next week! I have focussed solely on getting my life on a good track and had looked forward to sharing good times with my girlfriend. I made the introductions during a BBQ at my place -- they hadn't even seen it or knew that I had moved so I thought it was a good opportunity to do both. She came, already with alcohol in her system and the first thing she asked for was what we were serving for drinks. She downed an entire bottle of red before dinner was served, plus two beers. Through dinner, she consumed another two bottles of wine and finished off my beer in the fridge. She ignored her children -- her husband and I watched over them the entire time while she drank and had an aggressive conversation with my boyfriend. She tested him endlessly and when cigarettes ran out, the two of them walked down the street for more. The store was five minutes away but they didn't return for almost an hour. I knew with the amount of drinking she had done, it couldn't be good. When they returned, my BF was quieter than before and she became extremely aggressive. She had called him 'baldy' to see how he would react to his alopecia that he has suffered from since he was 2yrs old. Then she began a conversation about my abusive ex-husband, how she wants to beat him up and take care of business once and for all. She was arrogant and loud (yes, people in their forties behave this way too). Finally her husband put his foot down and they left. I was so upset, I was nearly in tears. In the following days, details of her conversation with my BF was shared. There is nothing between my BF and I that we don't know about each other but she had needled him about my intimate involvement with my previous best friend. I felt she had crossed the line. I took this up with her and she threatened to terminate the friendship because 'she' couldn't trust me. I was shocked. I let time heal. Shortly after, my BF and I endured a miscarriage which devastated both of us but strengthened our relationship. In the aftermath, I shared with my girlfriend and her husband the news. I received a very supportive note in return from him but from her, only, "So sorry for both of you." I thought it was odd but let it go. A couple of weeks later, she called to apologize and invited me over because she wanted to make up for it and be a good friend. I felt it was too late, that enough time had passed I didn't really need her 'support' but I was encouraged by my partner to go and enjoy a lovely evening of catch-up with my girlfriend. Her husband wasn't going to be home. I went. We discussed the miscarriage to which she showed little interest in. That conversation lasted no more than 10mins while the rest was consumed by talk about her abusive ex, a relationship thirteen years removed (and she is now MARRIED). She had been in contact with him and felt that her husband shouldn't be upset by it. I told her flat out that he had every right to be upset and that I wouldn't support such behaviour either. She continued and spoke of wanting to have an affair, that it was only a matter of time. I told her that she had to make a decision -- her 'ex' was expecting a child with HIS WIFE in August. She could either follow her heart or follow her c*nt. I am not proud of this language but drastic measures were necessary by my view at the time. Her ex called her while I was there and she said she would call him back. She sent me home abruptly. I didn't hear from her for almost two months. Out of the blue, a couple of weeks ago, she called to say she missed me. She was again looking forward to a positive new beginning in our friendship. She wanted to join us at my BF's summer family home the following weekend which was just days away. She asked what she could discuss about me with his family. I said, "Everything from the vault is off limits." She agreed. I put her in direct contact with my BF and allowed them to work out the details. So we went. My girls were on a weekend visit with their dad and my BF's girls were away with their mother. The distance to the summer home was 3.5hrs away so we kept walkie-talkies between the cars in case the convoy got broken up. It worked out well. My BF and her husband were having a nice chat. I finally suggested that we switch cars so that the two of them could chat away more comfortably. She radioed back that if I was driving, she was game. She knows I don't drive. We asked what she was talking about... She had been drinking in the car the entire time and was not fit to drive. Right away, red flags went up for me. When we arrived, we helped them unload at the guest site before we went to our site. We met up shortly thereafter. Her husband did not join us as he was tending to the children for the night. She arrived with a Wine Carton carrying case and drank it to herself. I remained quiet already anticipating the inevitable. She met my BF's family and took 100% charge of the conversation for almost 3hrs. I grew tired and didn't say all that much. My BF's family loved her which wasn't surprising. Finally, I called it at 2:30 in the morning and announced that the following morning we had groceries to do for the weekend. She didn't join us but her husband and youngest child, my BF, and I went. He asked me before leaving, "Did my wife come by to see you last Saturday around midnight?" "No. Why? I've been coming up here every weekend all summer. I haven't spoken to her except in preparation for this trip..." "That's what I figured. She's lying to me again. She left me a note that she was cycling to your place last Saturday. When I asked her about it, she got all funny. She's gone back to him. I'm sure of it." I didn't know what to say. I didn't like leaving her behind with this revelation and knowing that she would drink the day away. Who knows what would come out of her mouth. She spent that morning with my BF's family and they got along really well. She was drunk by the time we returned and I was uneasy. Even though I had invited her over, she ignored it and spent most of the remainder of the day with my BF's family. When she joined us finally just before dinner, she could barely stand and her speech was slurred. She began by attacking my BF about EVERYTHING, including our relationship. She also interrogated me about how I should run my life and that I needed to f*ck around with a few more men before settling into a relationship. I asked, "Why do I feel like I am being attacked?" "Because I think you need to do that. I think it is lovely what the two of you have but you need at least five years before entering a new serious relationship. It took 'me' five years and I am more emotionally advanced than you are." I almost laughed at this and my BF bit his tongue so hard that he felt like blood was trickling down his throat. We got dinner to a late start and, as it was 'Halloween' that evening for the children, it became postponed for another 2hrs. My BF's mother suddenly decided she would not join us. Whatever the reason, I decided to take food down to her anyway. I thought she probably felt that we could spend some time alone with our guests. When I arrived with the food, she was very curt with me. I was taken aback but let it be. When the trick-or-treaters finally returned with their loot, my girlfriend boasted that she had consumed 25 shooters in the event. And she poured herself another glass of wine. Her husband left to tend to his very tired 18mos old son. My BF's aunt joined us and returned the food that I had taken over before -- my BF's mother did not want my food. I was confused, so was my BF. My girlfriend ripped into him. Literally, she was screaming at him about what he had done to make his mother cry. We had no idea that she was crying. This came out of nowhere... and we had repeatedly extended an invitation to her for dinner. My girlfriend ordered him to see his mother immediately and to take food to her again. He defended that he had spoken to her and that she wasn't ready to let on what was bothering her. He was going to check in on her later. My girlfriend didn't let up, screamed that we weren't trying hard enough, and finally took the food down herself. The food was refused again and it was returned. I was bewildered. It was like a scene out of a horror movie. The attack continued when my girlfriend returned. I left the table two times. I told her to stop, her daughter was at the table, and that it was enough. My BF's aunt, upset, finally left the table. She stopped briefly but within moments, she continued to attack my BF. Her daughter got scared. My girlfriend burst into tears as she pulled her daughter onto her lap. She told us to shut up while she tended to her. We sat in silence, watching. She asked her daughter what was upsetting her, was it the upset look on my face (she was aware that I was upset so why didn't she stop??)? Her daughter nodded. I got up and walked away from the table. I heard some more screaming, the only voice I heard was my girlfriend's. Then there was silence. She left. My BF and I sat together for a few minutes to discuss what had just transpired and what our next steps would be. I told him to see what was up with his mother and I would speak to my girlfriend and her family. But my girlfriend returned before we were able to pursue our decision. She ripped into my BF with curse words for another 30mins. She screamed, "Don't you ever speak to me like that in front of my child!!" which turned into, "Don't you ever speak to my child like that!!" Moments later, it evolved to my BF wanted to 'kill' my girlfriend and they had to rush to safety. They were leaving that night. What the... Oh my! My BF and I proceeded with our original decision. He was to see his mother to find out what happened and I was to see my girlfriend's family about what had just transpired. Who wanted to kill who?? I walked to the guest site. She stormed out and screamed at me, "Don't even think about sweet talking my husband. He's more livid that I am." I thought it best to continue and did not bother to try talking sense into my girlfriend who was stumbling on her feet. I looked at her husband who shook his head and mouthed, 'I am not angry. Nothing of the sort but we need to go.' Then he pointed to all of his wife's empties in the kitchen -- two cartons of wine, three bottles of wine. Plus what she drank with us, plus the 25 shooters at the event, and plus whatever else my BF's family had offered her during our shopping excursion. While they packed, I tended to their children. I made sure they were okay and both of them hugged me and curled into me. My girlfriend's children were watching her wide-eyed. The entire scene made me sick and I began to wonder why I was babysitting again while I allowed for the drama to unfold before my eyes. I walked out without a word. My girlfriend shortly followed to find me outside of my BF's mother's site. She started screaming at me. Then she made a dramatic goodbye to my BF's aunt who was sitting watching it unfold, her mouth wide open. She then knocked on my BF's mother's door and did the same, very dramatic and loud. My BF, who was still sitting with his mother, attempted an apology, asked her to sleep it off, and that nobody was asking them to leave. She didn't hear any of it and attacked him again. I walked over to where her husband was packing and asked him, "Please collect your wife." He asked me to buckle the kids in the car. I did and gave them both hugs. The screaming continued behind me. They returned to the car and her final words to me were, "Get away from him. He is an angry and dangerous man." I told her that we'd talk once things cooled. I gave her a hug and wished her husband a safe journey. --- I was embarrassed, understandably so. And I was really hurt. I sat with my BF's family after that in shock silence. Finally, my BF asked his mother why she didn't join us for dinner because that appeared to have been the root for my girlfriend's behaviour. His mother ripped into me -- a double whammy in a very short time. She said she was hurt because my girlfriend told her that I didn't like her. That's why she was crying. She said she was not impressed with me in the least and that was no way how to treat a prospective future mother-in-law. I was stunned. It couldn't be further from the truth. My girlfriend spoke out of line. My BF's mother said, "Well this had to have come from SOMEWHERE?! You must have told your best friend what she told me!?" "With all respect, right now I don't think that anything she has said can be taken in any seriousness. Especially with all that's just happened and how she spoke to your son just now. To be honest, I don't dislike anybody. I may not have a lot in common with some people but that doesn't mean that I won't like them or feel that they are 'bad people'. Everybody has their good and bad and I do my best to recognize it all." The aunt jumped in, "We thought she was lovely but we couldn't get a word in edgewise. I couldn't believe it when she told me you were such a good friend and stopped her from having an affair not that long ago... Like, didn't we just meet? Why would she even admit to that?" I was shocked. That was something that I hadn't told anyone about her, something from the vault that was trusted and kept between two friends. We sat around the fire for a while and I immediately thought of the 'vault' -- what, if anything, could she have said that was personal to me if she could share THAT about herself so openly with two strangers? My BF and I went to bed. The next day, my BF and I spoke of all the events from the day before. I was upset. There were many tears. My BF's aunt and mother were exceptionally nice to me throughout the day. I was so embarrassed. And worried about the vault. We left that night -- me, my BF, and his aunt. We spoke in the car about my girlfriend. His aunt suddenly changed her tune and told me that my girlfriend was not a good friend. Why the sudden change in opinion about my girlfriend? I looked at my BF. He squeezed my hand knowing that I was worried about the vault. I was dropped off first and they proceeded on their journey home. I checked my email. One from my girlfriend's husband letting me know that him and I should talk before I spoke to her. I didn't respond. A phone call. My BF, "I know what was shared from the vault. I don't want to do this over the phone. I am on my way." I collapsed. When he arrived, he hugged me first. I was shaking. I cried. Finally, I faced him, "What from the vault? Is it about my teen years? my marriage? my time in the shelter last summer? What?" "All of it." He hugged me and told me to let it out. I was reeling in hurt from betrayal. "How did she do it? She was clear that they were off limits." "She had separate conversations with my mother and my aunt, who got to talking today to exchange the stories. They were a 'just between you and I' type of conversations." "What did your family know before?" "Nothing from me. It was my aunt who brought it up after we dropped you off. She didn't want to upset you more so soon after last night. She didn't even agree with me telling you tonight. But I wanted to be here in person because I knew you were worried about it. That was a mean thing your girlfriend did. You deserve better." I was devastated. The next morning, I sent my BF's mother and aunt an email: "I am saddened, embarrassed, and at a loss for words over all that has transpired this weekend. I gather that you now have an understanding of why my privacy is important to me and the reason your son has been so protective and silent in relation to my life experiences. Finding footing in any relationship with anyone has always been a very slow process for me which is the sole reason I have appeared 'quiet' in your view. Due to my girlfriend's betrayal of confidence and trust, I feel robbed of the opportunity to genuinely build positive relations with your family in the only way I have known -- and it is important to me to achieve this as your son and his girls mean the world to me. I appreciate your sensitivity but will be honest that I don't know at this point how to proceed. I feel stripped and find myself on new territory. I would sincerely be grateful of your patience as I find my grounding to move forward from this. Your family is an integral part of his life that I have no desire to disrupt by negative 'impressions'. I also thank you for your kind efforts on Sunday while I was not privy to explicit details and nature of conversation that had taken place the day before. My deepest apologies about everything with all my heart. This will take some time to digest and overcome." A response from his aunt: "I know you are particularly embarrassed by the events of last weekend, but be assured that you need not be. We cannot control our friends or family (please remember that fact in the future should there be any out bursts from our side!). Please don't feel you need to take time to digest and overcome anything on my behalf. My hope is that these revelations lead to a closer understanding of you as a person and I look forward to you sharing more of yourself with me." --- The following two weeks, I kept communications open with my girlfriend's husband. His only issue with all that transpired was that his daughter was so upset. I admired this as did my BF. Within a day, we each wrote heartfelt apologies for their daughter's upset, filled with remorse, shame, and regret. They were sincere apologies. Nobody wants to see a child hurt. The apology was accepted by him on both of their behalf. They reached closure. A day went by and I became less than thrilled that an apology had not been made in return for my girlfriend's drunken misconduct. He told me that he had asked his wife to not communicate with either of us for two weeks and wished that we would respectfully do same until things cooled down. I agreed and had not had nor did I have any intention of initiating contact with her. I wrote him this letter: "I feel terrible for your daughter, I really do. She should not have been present and the altercation should never have taken place in her witness -- (BF) and I do take our share of responsibility in that. It's been acknowledged and apologies have been expressed. However, are you really suggesting that we had equal share in her lack of safety? I hardly said a word... and the child was already frightened prior to him saying his final piece (the point which I had left the table for the third time). Her behaviour was inexcusable not only towards us as her hosts but as a mother as well. She was in hysterics long before and I had said, "Enough!" for everyone's sake, including for the sake of your daughter. Your wife had no sense of boundary in any way and, again, as a mother too. I appreciate that you, as a father, feel strongly about your child and nobody is in disagreement. In fact, it's admirable. I believe that this portion is well on its path to resolution, if satisfaction from you has not already been reached. Overall, I think that (BF) and I should also be recognized for the position we were in as we each also have strong feelings about what transpired. For him, there was a complete lack of respect. In the two meetings the four of us have shared, each have ended with your wife out of control. Her opinion may matter to me, but all that he has seen is an angry and intoxicated woman. This is not a good track record to start off with. I am not your wife's 'possession' and she is not 'my mother' despite our history and little if any respect has been shown to ME by not accepting the reality that I truly am in a good place. We are happy, our children are happy, and we have been careful to enfold our new reality with the people that matter most -- our children. Everybody else is secondary -- and your wife has to accept that she is not, and was never, number 'one' in my life. I may have made terrible choices in my life, but this isn't one of them. (BF) does not deserve to be punished for her ghosts or my ghosts whether or not her opinions are received in an appropriate environment. I won't allow it. I won't tolerate it. On another note, she had expressed a desire for a 'normal' friendship without drama, she had looked forward to it as I had. Now that we are here, I can't say anything by way of sharing the positives. Simply, she's not interested. On two occasions that weekend, I was chatting about 'normal' topics. Each time, she forced a smile, stepped backward, and then turned her back to walk away while I was in mid-sentence. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay... What does that tell me? Instead, she declares that she has an opinion and, too bad, we are obligated to listen to it because she is who she is and it is her earned right due to our history. Well, that's just flat out wrong. She has not heard a word I have said since we have resumed our friendship and we have tolerated her mistakes, we have been understanding because of the intensity of her role last year, and we have embraced her shortcomings as we settle into our new roles. I feel I am doing my part and, as you know, am only socializing with her on a couple level now. (BF) sees a lack of respect towards him as he is forever being attacked and he sees a lack of respect towards me because she really doesn't care what it is that I do have to say / share. I happen to agree. So respect, or lack thereof, is a key factor here. My main issue. For me, divulging or alluding to elements from the vault is just cruel. Nobody knew anything beforehand and now questions have been raised. My story is mine to tell, when and if I am ready and, most importantly, when I WANT to. One of your wife's complaints to his aunt and mother was that it took me two years to share my 'incredible' life story with her while it only took me a few months to do same with him. Is that a hint of jealousy? Why? And how would the ladies know these timelines if they hadn't been told?? (BF) didn't even know them...!! Obviously, they had to have been told and from that point, the vault ceased to remain sacred. And you were correct, in the last couple of days more details have surfaced and your wife was sober in the 'when Tudegurl was a teenager' conversation. I think I would have felt better if your wife was drunk... I collapsed when everything was brought to light and the pain from broken trust that I have felt since has immobilized me. I do not know at this time if this will become the demise of our friendship. Should it not, unfortunately it will most certainly take on a minimized form. I don't think that your wife's intent was malicious in any way. In her mind, I do believe that she thought she was being helpful in my relationship with two old bickering women. But that is not her place nor is it the role she was to assume in our recently reformed friendship. My immediate thoughts went to the vault the instant I was told the level of disclosure about your marriage -- and I was singly with this knowledge, which was respectfully in the vault previously. However, if she chooses to share what's hers, that is her right and I cannot form an opinion about it. What is mine in that vault, however, is MINE. Nobody has any right to offer this big juicy steak knowing that it will be essentially mauled. That's how I feel. My trust has been challenged and, by my view, this is the single most important issue of all that transpired for me while I do still recognize and acknowledge the importance of everybody else's view. But trust is key and the basis for any relationship cannot survive without it. When the time is right, I expect an apology." --- In the following days, hurt and devastation turned into anger, and finally to numbness. I began to function again but still uncertain about who else has become privy of the contents of the vault. My BF has been very supportive and I have been grateful. This weekend marked the two-week reprieve between my girlfriend and I. I still was not interested in any form of contact, expecting an apology first and foremost. I received an email from her yesterday with the subject line, 'pls expidite an exchange of belongings with my husband'. The email, riddled with mistakes, read the following, "No talking is required, in fact, lack of it preferable, exchange the goal." They had left behind some of their belongings that dramatic weekend and took some that weren't theirs in their haste to leave 'for safety'. But I took offense to her email and responded, "I think this type of message is unwarranted and unnecessarily rude, my friend. I have no issue in exchanging items with your husband otherwise." "AWESOME , I refuse to engage in any further development - name a date and time and we will be clear on the exchange and all will ne over." Within minutes, she called. I picked up. "I am in the area and can exchange the items with you in the next ten minutes. No conversation needs to take place." "I have just agreed to make arrangements with your husband and I will stay with that. I am not prepared to have you over at this time." "Then leave it at your back door and we don't have to see each other. I will leave yours before I leave." "Noooooo. I am not agreeing to any change of plans. I will exchange with your husband when it is most convenient for the two of us. I will not do as you say on your terms. I have no interest to engage any further. Sorry." I hung up. The phone rang again. I did not pick up. I wrote her a note, "Sweetheart, will all my heart, grow up and face the issue that you have created instead of being a coward. Again, I will be happy to exchange items with your husband face to face. I will not arrange for a faceless exchange out of respect for a friendship that I had placed great value on. In conclusion, I do not appreciate any further such notes or calls from you until an apology is ready to be made towards myself, my BF, and his family." The doorbell rang before I could send. I knew it was her and did not answer. Then an email, "U r ridiculopus. Pick up the items on your door and keep the rest because frankly, I am grateful to be rid of u" I collected the items at my door and there were two letters in the contents -- one for my BF and one for my BF's family. Nothing for me. I guess an apology will not be coming any time soon. I responded, "Lovely. Thank you for the swirling drama that I have done my best to avoid. I have little interest in pursuing your current path. I thank you for all the assistance your family has provided my family in the past -- that will never change. It is clear to me now that a more positive role cannot be assumed by you for better times. With sadness, I bid you adieu. All the best to you and your family." A sarcastic retort, "We are most grateful for you wise realization ..... happy adieu!!" I had had enough, "I ask you to kindly refrain from contacting me further in immaturity and anger until an apology is ready to be made. Thank you." She did her utmost to derail any left over confidence I had in her, "U need not worry about that – I have long since past interest in communicating with YOU ...... nothing will follow this email, regardless of your response, my husband included." I did not respond. And have no intention to. I have even blocked her from Facebook and all similar networking sites. I want nothing from her but an apology. --- Since this exchange, I have reverted back to a level of anger and numbness. I wonder why she is so angry with ME?? It is not 'my' drunken conduct that is being questioned, that has brought us to this place! I figure she has decided to derail the friendship purposefully. These are classic behaviours from someone who has something to hide... My BF is concerned about me and feels helpless. He is away with his family to his summer home and was due back today so that him and I could attend a wedding. I had cancelled plans, not feeling up to partying. Probably a mistake I will regret later but that is how I feel right now. I am not in the mood to see or speak with anyone and know that I will easily dampen good spirits with where I am at today. I am not pushing my BF away -- I feel I have kept him 100% in the loop. I just need the space right now to digest everything. I worry how my daughters will react to find that their 'aunt' is gone from their lives. They will be hurt and their confidence in me will be bruised. And, as I always do, I look at myself in all of this. What were my mistakes? What could've been done different to salvage a 6yrs friendship? Would this friendship have survived much longer otherwise? How will I trust a friendship again? So many questions... And, for the record, I have not been drinking myself to assume a distorted view of all that has transpired. My BF and I are expecting again and, therefore, I am taking great steps to watch my diet. I have not had a drop in over two months. And, no, my girlfriend is not aware that we are expecting. It was news that we wanted to share that weekend but as the events spiraled for the worst, we kept our announcement to ourselves. Opinions welcome.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Opinion? Your 'friend' is an infection that is making your life sick by degrees. The sooner you rid yourself of her 100% the better. No apology will make up for the damage and drama that she clearly can't live without. She is toxic, dangerous and unpredictable. If there was ever a genuine friendship there, you can bet there isn't one now. Best to just leave it as is and go about your life as if she died. That would truly be best.
WizeMan Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Your friend is a bitch and probably mentally ill. Destructive, dangerous and drunk. Fatal 3Ds. Read your other posts too. Sorry, you seem real nice but maybe too trusting and naieve. The man who you said was your best friend? Tough love time -- you were cheap labour for his biz and easy and grateful sex on demand. Did he know your history? 'Cuz don't kid yourself, he used it to get into your pants. Sold you a total bill of goods and used you like a rag. And when it mattered, when it was time to be a friend or at least a MAN he treated you like dirt. Why have you spent so much time on this guy? He abused you just like your husband. You seem to deserve better. You seem to agonize about it but the bottom line is you saw something that was not there. Sorry. Truth hurts. And all the posts about slavaging things for your children? Not in the real world. No man alive would ever be happy entering into that dynamic. A new boyfriend or husband would never want to hang out with someone you had your histroy with. Don't kid yourself. The children's relationships ended the day the two of you got naked. Sorry, it is true. Once the sex ended so does everything else. And this post -- she is a bitch. Doesn't care about you. Seems a lot like the "BFF" who wasn't. But in your post there is a lot about a BF who supports and wants to help. Don't lose that by looking at the past. Is he the real thing? Does he love you? Is he in ove with you? Are you in love with him? Does he know? Focus on these things. built your new life and run as fast as you can from the old. it did nothing gor you.
Author SYL Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks LucreziaBorgia and WizeMan. WizeMan, the posts regarding my ex BFF was from about a year ago. There's nothing there and I care not to resume any relationship with that man. I learned a lot. I have no respect for him. As for my girlfriend, yeah, what a piece of work and drama...!! Can't say I didn't see it coming months ago... It's disappointing how I've learned the hard way how shallow, selfish, and self-serving people really are. My current BF knows my entire history and that includes all of the above. He has shown integrity and a level of caring that I have never seen. Despite my story, he has incredible respect for my character and supports whatever decision I make. He's a keeper. :-)
Author SYL Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 My girlfriend's husband and I have been in touch since that horrible weekend. He has many issues with his wife including her emotional infidelity with her abusive ex from 13yrs ago and her alcoholism. I sent him a note after the final fiasco with my girlfriend: "You have the full exchange. I assume that there is little need for your response as her last note indicates a cease of contact between all parties. I have not seen any remorse from her over her behaviour. Only anger. And I am at a loss as to why all of this is 'my' fault. I wish you well in sincerity." His response: "Hey. I'm sorry it came to this. You know I was not involved in this last part nor did I support it. And I let her know of that on Saturday when I got home. So sorry." My response: "The exchange took me by surprise, considering you had described Sheri as remorseful for the last two weeks. Mostly, she sent an email to arrange for an exchange with you. Within minutes, she called to say the exchange would be with her -- AFTER I had agreed to the original plan despite the rude email I received. I stood my ground and would not balk to her demands on her terms (I'm not a toy). When the items arrived and noticed only two (pathetic and insincere) apology letters were in the bag -- one for (BF) and one for his family -- I knew it was over. I guess she'll have nobody to talk to about her ex anymore... (sorry if that hurts you, it's not intended that way in my upset). Well, there IS her 'other unassuming friend' who will likely take over my previous sympathetic role... You and I have discussed this. She will hit rock bottom and lose everyone who have genuinely cared. Her choice. I am not going to be sucked up in a senseless circle of drama when she has all the information to prevent the inevitable -- she is not a victim here but her own driving force behind her troubles. When and if she's ready, she'll come around and I will decide at that point how I will receive her. I still have your belongings and I continue to hold your household key. You can take comfort knowing that I have no desire or intention to abuse my responsibility with these items. They are here for you when you want them. I know you were not involved. All the best. (((hugs)))" His response: Well I'm sure it was a surprise for you too. Because it was a surprise to me. She'd spoken to a girlfriend earlier in the day. Had probably given only certain pieces of information. That girlfriend told her to take charge of things because she was feeling unfulfilled in some way because I had taken on the mantle of this issue. And because I never shared our emails with her. Only paraphrased, and that bothered her. I didn't feel it would be productive to have her pour over your emails and pick out things that could bother her. That made no sense. I wanted cooler heads to prevail. An organic rekindling if possible. And I can see how the apology letters would be perceived as insincere after Saturday. But I really didn't feel that way when she wrote them. The cruxt of this happens to be that she's absolutely 100% certain she didn't say anything or imply things to those ladies. She was balling about that Saturday night. I said, "You didn't say something that could allow them to put 2 and 2 together? She said, "No. I spoke to them during the day when I hadn't been drinking as much." To which I said back to her, "Maybe this would have been a better approach with your friend." As opposed to the way she went about it. She said, "She doesn't believe and won't believe me." I said, "That may be true, I can't speak for her, but at the very least if you said things to her like you said them to me Saturday night... at the very least it may give her pause for thought." But whatever. I can totally understand how you'd never want to be friends. And quite frankly I don't know if there's anything left on her end. While she's not come out and said it. I suspect this is a case of how could you not believe her over them. Again, I am reading into this. Still, I said to her repeatedly, "If you said something to them or implied something, I'm not going to be upset with you or pass judgement. That will be her issue to deal with, not mine." But she stayed steadfast in her denial and if she was on the witness stand, she made a powerful testimony right there. And you know I have as many reasons as anyone to not to trust her. And we got into that as well Saturday night. But I won't go into details. Suffice to say you were an alibi the week prior and I took her to task on that. And I know you would never be irresponsible with our stuff etc. This disappoints me Sheila. It didn't have to happen. And that's the tragedy of it all." My response: "Alibi.... Hmmmm... Unless she rode her bike to cottage town for 7hrs+, I'd say no. If you wish, check back on my Facebook statuses -- I tend to post one nearly every day, if not more, but while I am away (every weekend pretty much this entire summer), I don't have access. Therefore, there are no weekend posts and there are no posts for the 'alibi' weekend in question. This last weekend marked my first weekend in town because I had a hair appointment for a wedding and a wedding to attend (which I didn't go to in the end). I resent being a cover for anyone's 'suspicious' activities. I don't support it and would never want to be a part of it. Look, I have no trust for anything she might have to say and I worry especially now about having your house key in my possession. I think you know what I am saying here... I hope we can arrange a time soon for its proper return, preferably this week." His response: "She's going out tonight to Yoga so we can exchange tonight if you like. Regarding the alibi. I called her on that Saturday night. And she said to me that she didn't go to your place. She said she intended to go there. Regardless, I didn't believe a word that she was saying. I knew what was going on. I showed her her BlackBerry and the evidence to the contrary. There's no need to check your FB. I caught her red handed. She knows it. I know it. Whatever. And I can appreciate your resentment. But at the end of the day. Its not your problem. Don't even think about it. Anyway, we both know there's more to the story on multiple levels. Uncovering those details and piecing together the why's and how come's may be a mystery for the rest of our lives. No question she's made some mistakes (big ones). For her sake I hope she learns from them." My response: "I've been in and out all day and was not able to respond. It's a bit late now but hopefully tomorrow on your way home from work we can arrange it if at all possible. We're heading away on Friday and I won't be back for a week. A lot of what's been said and done have become twisted. I can see your making a case for her 'version' by making me out to be a trouble maker in your marriage, as I had caused significant strain on your relationship last summer when I was escaping my ex before being killed. No matter that I was supportive through your wife's SAD, her mom's illness, her sister's illness, her concerns for your son's slow development, her altercation at school with your daughter's teacher, her post partum, her trials with her friends, her ex, etc... I've spent the last 10mos listening to her troubles and her troubles alone (she didn't even know that I had moved or that I found a job!!). All she remembers was last summer and how much I 'owe' her for her assistance. That's where the story will get twisted. I do recall one evening that I was over to read a 'strong' email from YOU the next morning about what had been discussed with her because she took it out on you -- and you were angry with me for no reason. My answer? Nothing. We had spent most of the evening talking about the kids and, no surprise here, her obsession over her ex. There has been a long pattern of lying from your wife in relation to me. How could I believe THREE other people's version of events from that dramatic weekend over her's? Well... That's a pretty straight forward answer. I know all the facts and who held knowledge of them -- and then to find out that I was being implicated as her alibi for that Saturday night does not bring her any credibility by my view. NONE. All I am saying, despite some of the horrid events that I have experienced in my life, I have no malice in me to lie about anything. I do understand that you will stand by your wife and I have an enormous amount of respect for that. I am removing toxins from my life for well-being and health (heart, pregnancy), something I have been consciously doing for some time as I have regained my sense of self and strength. Maybe that comes across as selfish but I think I have paid her back more than enough for her 'friendship' -- I did not deserve what she dealt me in the end. I feel I have been a genuine friend, whether or not I have agreed with her actions. And I don't want to find myself in the same position like the one that I was placed in by her again. I don't think that anybody could disagree. Let me know about returning your items Thursday evening. Hoping all is well with you and your family. Hang in there."
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