parrotlover Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 My husband and I have been together for 9 years now. We met when I was 21, he was 31. We cheated on our spouses and after a few months of that left them and moved in together. Sex in the beginning was freaking fantastic. Sometimes several times per day! Over the years it went from a few times per day to once per day to a few times per week to now roughly, 3 times a month now. Not by my choice. I've tried discussing it with him, but he seems to take it as a personal attack whenever I bring it up. When we met I (hate to bring looks into it, but looks are what they are and what attracts people to each other) was unhealthiy skinny. I weighed 85-90 pounds on a small 5 foot frame. I'm now 130 pounds, so I've gained roughly 40 pounds. I'm trying to lose some weight, though I have no unhealthy desire to be 90 pounds. I wonder (from you men, no bashing from me!) if you think that would affect your desire? We're best friends. We spend hours talking, hanging out, etc. We go hiking together, drink together, talk on the phone when he's out of town daily. His ex-wife put on a ton of weight during their marriage. Like over 100 pounds. She weighed close to 300 when he left and divorced her. They did not have sex with much frequency. I know that he prefers a thinner frame, though he would never hurt me in order to say that. But quite frankly it's hurting me that we're not having much sex! I've straight out asked him, and he says that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and that he loves me the way that I am. So, do you think it's the weight? I'm a pretty easy going woman. I cook, clean, and work from home. I went and bought some new clothes today since I decided I was starting to look "frumpy" along with a new nighty and a pair of heels!
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 My husband and I have been together for 9 years now. We met when I was 21, he was 31. We cheated on our spouses and after a few months of that left them and moved in together. Sex in the beginning was freaking fantastic. Sometimes several times per day! Over the years it went from a few times per day to once per day to a few times per week to now roughly, 3 times a month now. Not by my choice. I've tried discussing it with him, but he seems to take it as a personal attack whenever I bring it up. When we met I (hate to bring looks into it, but looks are what they are and what attracts people to each other) was unhealthiy skinny. I weighed 85-90 pounds on a small 5 foot frame. I'm now 130 pounds, so I've gained roughly 40 pounds. I'm trying to lose some weight, though I have no unhealthy desire to be 90 pounds. I wonder (from you men, no bashing from me!) if you think that would affect your desire? We're best friends. We spend hours talking, hanging out, etc. We go hiking together, drink together, talk on the phone when he's out of town daily. His ex-wife put on a ton of weight during their marriage. Like over 100 pounds. She weighed close to 300 when he left and divorced her. They did not have sex with much frequency. I know that he prefers a thinner frame, though he would never hurt me in order to say that. But quite frankly it's hurting me that we're not having much sex! I've straight out asked him, and he says that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and that he loves me the way that I am. So, do you think it's the weight? I'm a pretty easy going woman. I cook, clean, and work from home. I went and bought some new clothes today since I decided I was starting to look "frumpy" along with a new nighty and a pair of heels! It doesn't matter if he takes it as a personal attack when you bring it up; it's the pink elephant in the room, and you need to discuss it. You need to know the reasons why it's happening so it can be fixed. It could be a medical problem, to the weight, to something completely unrelated to what you think (he did cheat on his wife to meet you). He needs to be made to know that you need to know.
Devil Inside Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Sorry yopu feel bad...it is hard when the sex comes to a halt. It could be so many reasons that it is not even worth it to try to guess. Like Vet said, yo uneed to have a good talk with him. Let him know how you feel about the lack of sex. If yo udon't feel goo about your weight then it might be affecting your confidence. I know that when I am working out and looking good I feel good and am more confident, and I'm sure alot sexier. Maybe he can sense you don't feel confident...either way, feeling better about yourself does wonders. Good luck.
Author parrotlover Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Could it be what he says it is? That he just has no real sex drive anymore? I don't think that's it. But I'm not a man, and I'm not 100% sure how man functions work! lol I know that if I'm not in the mood when we get started, I sure as heck will be shortly after! For me, it's all about getting in there and having a good time! I don't feel confident. I feel better now that I've bought some new clothes and they fit me properly (don't give me MUFFIN top for example, EW) so I do feel better about that. I don't worry that he's cheating. And I have no desire to cheat. I wanna have sex with HIM, not someone else. When we cheated with eachother, it was the first time either of us had done anything like that. And we both struggled with what we did to our spouses. We struggled a lot. It hurt both of us to hurt each others spouses. That does not make what we did right, but we were not without feeling towards the other spouses. I worry that now that the "risk" is gone from the sex, that makes it less interesting. Neither of us had sex like that before. We were not crazy sexual with our spouses like that at any time nor other sexual partners in the past. Could it have been the affair that made sex so great? Is there a way to get the feeling of "riskiness" back into the sex life without any cheating? I'm not a very sexually experianced person. I've had three sexual partners in my life and I married two of them! So I'm not sure what is normal and what is not. Him being 10 years older than me had a bit of a head start in the sex life.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I think there's an answer, you just don't know yet what it is. His actions contradict his words - if you're the most beautiful woman in the world, why doesn't he want to sleep with you ??? If he won't talk about it with you, how about IC? 40 is awfully young to lose one's libido... Mr. Lucky
Author parrotlover Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 If he won't talk about it with you, how about IC? 40 is awfully young to lose one's libido... Mr. Lucky That's just what I was thinking. Suffice it to say that where he works, he would lose his security clearance if he attended any private counseling. He does have a very very stressful job, so I guess that could be part of it. Though I have done things, even learned swedish massage and bought a massage table from Costco (and I use it for him often) to help with de-stressing. I hear about all these men in their 40's that complain that their wives never want sex, I WANT IT EVERY DAY. So I figure there has GOT to be some middle ground we can meet on.
lupa Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Or how about the two of you started a relationship based on an affair, and now the thrill is gone?
quankanne Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 it is hard when the sex comes to a halt oh, please ... three times a month is not a dry spell. Try once every two years, and learning to deal with the dearth of sex because you understand the relationship means more than the screwing does dear, what you're experiencing is reality walking in the front door and libido slipping out the back. If it's bothering you, have a heart to heart with him, just be sure not to point fingers or you'll REALLY kill your sex life. My guess that with the kind of job he has, it's affecting him full-time, so that he can't just shrug it off at 4:55 p.m. and walk away carefree when the 5 o'clock whistle blows like most of the rest of us do. if counseling is out of the question, look into marriage enrichment sessions. You learn to communicate more effectively and you focus TOTALLY on you ... I can't tell you how much of an impact it's made on our marriage. be patient, don't give up hope and try to work on a solution together. You might be surprised what pops up.
Author parrotlover Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Or how about the two of you started a relationship based on an affair, and now the thrill is gone? I think that could be a large part of it.
Author parrotlover Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 it is hard when the sex comes to a halt oh, please ... three times a month is not a dry spell. Try once every two years, and learning to deal with the dearth of sex because you understand the relationship means more than the screwing does dear, what you're experiencing is reality walking in the front door and libido slipping out the back. If it's bothering you, have a heart to heart with him, just be sure not to point fingers or you'll REALLY kill your sex life. My guess that with the kind of job he has, it's affecting him full-time, so that he can't just shrug it off at 4:55 p.m. and walk away carefree when the 5 o'clock whistle blows like most of the rest of us do. if counseling is out of the question, look into marriage enrichment sessions. You learn to communicate more effectively and you focus TOTALLY on you ... I can't tell you how much of an impact it's made on our marriage. be patient, don't give up hope and try to work on a solution together. You might be surprised what pops up. I will try the heart to heart. I've kinda danced around the situation. I've only out and out said how much it's bothering me one time. He is my best friend, and this will hurt his feelings no matter how I phrase it. He's got the penis and I don't. He can choose when and where to use it! lol I feel like he's got all the cards to play and I have none.
mem11363 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 My husband and I have been together for 9 years now. We met when I was 21, he was 31. We cheated on our spouses and after a few months of that left them and moved in together. Sex in the beginning was freaking fantastic. Sometimes several times per day! Over the years it went from a few times per day to once per day to a few times per week to now roughly, 3 times a month now. Not by my choice. I've tried discussing it with him, but he seems to take it as a personal attack whenever I bring it up. When we met I (hate to bring looks into it, but looks are what they are and what attracts people to each other) was unhealthiy skinny. I weighed 85-90 pounds on a small 5 foot frame. I'm now 130 pounds, so I've gained roughly 40 pounds. I'm trying to lose some weight, though I have no unhealthy desire to be 90 pounds. I wonder (from you men, no bashing from me!) if you think that would affect your desire? We're best friends. We spend hours talking, hanging out, etc. We go hiking together, drink together, talk on the phone when he's out of town daily. His ex-wife put on a ton of weight during their marriage. Like over 100 pounds. She weighed close to 300 when he left and divorced her. They did not have sex with much frequency. I know that he prefers a thinner frame, though he would never hurt me in order to say that. But quite frankly it's hurting me that we're not having much sex! I've straight out asked him, and he says that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and that he loves me the way that I am. So, do you think it's the weight? I'm a pretty easy going woman. I cook, clean, and work from home. I went and bought some new clothes today since I decided I was starting to look "frumpy" along with a new nighty and a pair of heels! >>>>>>>>> It hurt my feelings when my wife was much less attracted to me due to a weight issue. But I made the effort to fix it. I didn't put it on her. I focused on it and made it better. And she always loved me, was nice to me, she just was more aroused by me after I fixed my weight. Obviously no one, including your husband, expects or wants you to be at a unhealthy weight. But - you could easily drop 20-25 pounds and still be at a great body mass index. Face it, he is not going to say this to you. He loves you a lot, that is obvious from your post. And it isn't his job to address this. It is your job. Just like it was mine. Now my wife is very, very aroused by me, quite nice really.
Author parrotlover Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 >>>>>>>>> Face it, he is not going to say this to you. He loves you a lot, that is obvious from your post. And it isn't his job to address this. It is your job. Just like it was mine. Now my wife is very, very aroused by me, quite nice really. You are right. He never would say it to me. I guess my best chances here are to lose some weight and see if his libido goes up. I'm well on my way to weight loss. Worst case senario is that he's NOT more attracted to me and I'm more healthy and have a healhier self image.
quankanne Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 don't forget to look up ways to help him de-stress if you think that's also what is contributing to the problem ... it might be a performance thing in his mind He's got the penis and I don't. He can choose when and where to use it! too true. Men have it easier getting laid, IMO. And it's downright cruel that they don't have to contort themselves when they need to pee and you're nowhere near a bathroom or the toilet seat is questionable
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