Explorer Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Good day LS'ers. Like the majority of the world, I have a dating dilemma. This girl I've been seeing for a few months has left me puzzled. Her personality is unlike any I've ever dated and it's left me questioning our survival. And, with the high nature of intelligence on LS, I'm hoping someone could help me analyze her character and advise if there's anything I should be overly cautious/concerned about. So, her personality breakdown: The Good: Very honest and forthcomingSweetGenuineInnocentSays she's loyal and supportiveBig on wanting to have a family and be a motherProblem resolverCompromiserLikes to cookThe Ugly: Difficult to understand & predict. E.g. can be hot & coldCan come off as selfishDoesn't like to snuggle too muchSays she has little will-powerCan be standoffishSuffered from bulimia in the pastI worry about her being supportive - e.g. Been several times that something embaressing happened to me and instead of her comfort she made me feel worse.I worry about her loyalty as she confessed that some of her sexual fantasies were sex in public and threesomes/orgies/being a swingerContradictory to the above, she is very self-conscious about her bodyCan come off as rudeSo what do you think? Anything strike you as a major red flag? PS: To me, her biggest strength is her honesty while weakness is the sexual curiosity. I say this because I want to avoid, at all costs, to be cheated on. It's happened to me in the past and hurt so much that I would rather not risk a relationship with a partner who could potentially do this. All opinions welcomed.
Thornton Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Fantasies are just fantasies; that doesn't mean she'd ever do any of them in reality. Sometimes insecure and self-conscious people will fake sexual confidence as a front to cover their own insecurity and impress others; the contradictions in your gf's behaviour would lead me to suspect this. Suffering from bulimia isn't a major issue unless you think she isn't over it, and you're not willing to support her if she isn't. Tbh this points to insecurity and low self esteem too. Shyness can often be mistaken for rudeness and stand-offishness, and can lead people to be anti-social if they don't feel confident in social situations. Perhaps she's not good at dealing with feelings and being affectionate with people? I would expect that at least some of these issues could be addressed with love and perhaps counselling if necessary.
Author Explorer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Hey Thorton. Ya, really good points. She IS very self-conscious and has admitted her low self-esteem. But I am very...very sensitive to her needs. Give her lots of attention and love but it's not very much appreciated. So, despite her low self-worth, am I supposed to be sensitive to her needs when she doesn't appreciate it? On the other point, it just worries me that a girl would be that upfront about her sexual fantasies with me so early on in the relationship. I can't help but worry about her being faithful...
Thornton Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Sometimes people do that when they're insecure. They're like "Hey, look at me - I'm sexually experienced, I have fantasies about threesomes etc, I want you to think I'm hot and experienced and worldly". The person isn't necessarily so sexually forward or experienced; it's all an act, which often slips after a while. Does she still mention these fantasies, or was it just an attention-seeking exercise early in the relationship? Are you sure she doesn't appreciate the attention and love you give her? Maybe she's just not very good at showing it, and needs some help with expressing emotion?
Author Explorer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Sometimes people do that when they're insecure. They're like "Hey, look at me - I'm sexually experienced, I have fantasies about threesomes etc, I want you to think I'm hot and experienced and worldly". The person isn't necessarily so sexually forward or experienced; it's all an act, which often slips after a while. Does she still mention these fantasies, or was it just an attention-seeking exercise early in the relationship? Are you sure she doesn't appreciate the attention and love you give her? Maybe she's just not very good at showing it, and needs some help with expressing emotion? Hmmm...I think she's def interested in it though. When she talked about public sex she was interested in taking to the next level. One of her comments was that she wanted to do it to feel more secure with her body... Maybe you're right about her not being able to show emotions. How do you recommend I help her with that?
Tony T Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 She suffers a mild narcissistic personality disorder. Google that and read all about it. You can expect her to get worse as time goes on. She will never get better in this lifetime. You have no idea just how selfish selfish can be! She will never support you in anything. The only person who exists in the world is herself...and, as I said, it gets much worse. There is no treatment. Sorry!
butcher's hook Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I think you are on to a good start, first step is write out the good and the bad. Then it doesn't matter what we think it's what YOU think. But I will say this, the way I see it is the key to figuring out how good someone is for you is to see if the bad can be outweighed by the good. How good is the good and exactly how bad is the bad? Also consult your heart, as cheesy as that sounds what does your heart tell you when your mind shuts down? A lot of the cons you commented on are inevitable everyone is a bit of those one way or another, you might find someone who doesn't have as many cons but in exchange is EXTREMELY boring, I dunno, the point is be conscious that no one is a perfect balance of good and the OK things we see as bad but acceptable. Are any of the cons, deal breakers for you? The sex thing, it's one thing to like to think about those things it's another to act them out. If she is more adventurous than you are sexually and you are more vanilla you will run into problems long term. Talk to her, ask her if these are things she would actually want to do or does it turn her on just to think about them. there is your answer. Edit: the "little will power" is quite concerning actually, and come to think of it so is the hot and cold thing.. lol woops maybe I posted too fast.
Author Explorer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 She suffers a mild narcissistic personality disorder. Google that and read all about it. You can expect her to get worse as time goes on. She will never get better in this lifetime. You have no idea just how selfish selfish can be! She will never support you in anything. The only person who exists in the world is herself...and, as I said, it gets much worse. There is no treatment. Sorry! Hmmm...that seems to be a bit of a stretch Tony.
Author Explorer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I think you are on to a good start, first step is write out the good and the bad. Then it doesn't matter what we think it's what YOU think. But I will say this, the way I see it is the key to figuring out how good someone is for you is to see if the bad can be outweighed by the good. How good is the good and exactly how bad is the bad? Also consult your heart, as cheesy as that sounds what does your heart tell you when your mind shuts down? A lot of the cons you commented on are inevitable everyone is a bit of those one way or another, you might find someone who doesn't have as many cons but in exchange is EXTREMELY boring, I dunno, the point is be conscious that no one is a perfect balance of good and the OK things we see as bad but acceptable. Are any of the cons, deal breakers for you? The sex thing, it's one thing to like to think about those things it's another to act them out. If she is more adventurous than you are sexually and you are more vanilla you will run into problems long term. Talk to her, ask her if these are things she would actually want to do or does it turn her on just to think about them. there is your answer. Edit: the "little will power" is quite concerning actually, and come to think of it so is the hot and cold thing.. lol woops maybe I posted too fast. Thanks BH. See the dealbreakers ....it's not black & white. Guess what I'm trying to say is that they could lead to dealbreakers. Like cheating...I will not tolerate it ...so I was trying to analyze her personality to determine if she carried some of those characteristics. The "No will-power" and "Sexual adventurous" seem to possibly point in that direction, no? And someone being supportive is a must for me. And sometimes her reactions make me think she will not be able to live up to that....
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 She suffers a mild narcissistic personality disorder. Google that and read all about it. You can expect her to get worse as time goes on. She will never get better in this lifetime. You have no idea just how selfish selfish can be! She will never support you in anything. The only person who exists in the world is herself...and, as I said, it gets much worse. There is no treatment. Sorry! As someone who considers himself well versed in psychology/going for his PhD in it, I can't help but wonder what the hell you're talking about lol. I like you Tony, I've seen your posts before and think you're smart. But what the hell are you talking about? XD She wouldn't be honest if she was a narcissist. Nor would she admit to any flaws, such as her weak will-power.
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