cant let go Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 i broke up with my boyfriend of just under a year last night. i love him. in fact, i am in love with him. we are great together. our relationship is really good. he loves me. he treats me very well. we are very open and honest with each other and we never fight and if there is an issue we talk about it and resolve it. Q: why would i break up with this guy? A: he does not feel that he is in love with me. am i making a mistake. i am 29 years old and he is 24. i want to find someone that i can spend the rest of my life with. i'm terrified that i am wasting my time with someone that in the end is the wrong person. i don't even know what it means anymore when i say the "right" or the "wrong" person for me. what does that even mean? that's it. that's the only reason. he's just not in love with me. that's why i'm breaking it off with him. this is something we have talked about before and he has made it very clear. he loves me. he is very happy with me. but he is not in love with me. i don't know how to take that. it is like a dagger in my soul every time i hear those words but i know he is just being honest with me. i know that he doesn't want me to be led on. we decided 2 months ago the last time this issue surfaced that we would stay together as long as we both wanted to be with each other. but last night i broke it off because i am scared that he will never be in love with me. am i being unrealistic or am i smart to cut things off now so as to avoid inevitable pain later? is it true that if he is not in love with me by now, he never will be? here is his situation. he is 24 and he is unhappy with his work career and he is studying to go to grad school. he is trying to change his career path and last month he just got laid off. his career happiness is the most important thing in his life right now. it is his number 1 priority. he doesn't see how he can be in love at this point since he doesn't have his career on track. so i get it... i can't be his priority. but what if i wait this out for the next few years until he figures his career out and then he can evaluate whether or not he is in love with me? and what if at that point he realizes that he never could be? and meanwhile i've fallen in love with him more and more with every day. yet, he still stands that he is not in love with me. this is my fear.
Devil Inside Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I think you did the right thing. Being in love with someone has nothing to do with the time commitments in your life. It is either there...or not, and if it's been almost a year, I don't see how it comes along now...especially with him heading through what appears to be a big transition. Listen, I am married. I am struggling through my marriage because I am not in love with my wife. You don't want to end up in this kind of marriage. I know it hurts now...but if you want to have a person that is in love with you...then go find one, he is not it. Good luck.
Lucky_One Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Don't wait for him. He's not going to 'fall in love' with you magically if he gets his career in order. People fall in love under all adverse circumstances; if he was going to be in love with you, he would already.
Author cant let go Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 well i couldn't just live with breaking up with him out of fear so i ended up writing him a letter about how it didn't make sense that out of the blue we were breaking up when neither of us had even been thinking about breaking up before this. i told him that if we were going to break up it should be because one or both of us doesn't want to be with the other. and i told him that i want to be with him and that he can take time to think about it. well he called me late that night and our conversation left me optimistic. i'm pretty sure he was ready to say that we should stay together but i told him that he could take time to think about it if he wanted. BIG MISTAKE so he thinks about it for the next day. and then tells me he still needs another day but can we meet to talk about it on the day after that... now i'm freaked out. so the d-day was tonight and big surprise... he thinks we should break up. he says if he's not in love with me by now he never will be. great. well at least now i've at least officially been dumped by him and not by myself. this really hurts.
sugarmomma Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 The fact that you went against your gut and tried to get back together says that you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Self worth comes into play when we are settling for less than we deserve. You are 29 and before you know it you will be 39. Take some time to heal from this and find someone who will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Its the only way that love works. No fun being in live by yourself and now that you have learned this you know what to do.
Author cant let go Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 just to be clear. it wasn't my gut that broke up with him. it was a reaction done out of insecurity. so i have to disagree with you there. i never wanted to break up with him. i had panicked in fear rather than just letting things take their time to develop. so i think by reminding him that i wanted to be with him and that was what was important to me (whether or not we actually wanted to be together) i was following my heart and my gut. breaking up never felt right considering things has been going very well. i wasn't going to end it just because i was afraid that he might someday. its not a matter of him not wanting to be with me, or even knowing that things are wrong. he feels that things should have grown into "in love" by now. and even though everything else is practically perfect he doesn't believe that he can fall in love with me since he hasn't yet. but honestly, it doesn't even make sense because his actions have never felt like less than truly loving me. and i now i remember why i stopped visiting these boards. people here are not supportive at all. thanks for making me feel like 29 is old and thanks for reinforcing my insecurities that i need to somehow speed this process up. for the record there was no way to tell that he wasn't "falling in love" with me. it sure did feel like he was.
Hkizzle Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 1) he does not feel that he is in love with me. 2) i am 29 years old and he is 24. 3) i want to find someone that i can spend the rest of my life with. You should like a female friend of mine. The guy isn't in love with ther, she's 29, he's 25, and he just cheated on her. She justified it and made excuses in her own mind because she loves him and got back together with him. You're making excuses: Someone not in love with you and find someone you can spend the rest of you life with Don't fit together too well.
Hkizzle Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 but honestly, it doesn't even make sense because his actions have never felt like less than truly loving me. . That's your love for him making excuses, not his love for you. He says he doesn't love you. I didn't love my ex girlfriend and I treated her well before we broke up. Treating someone well and love and espeically the type of love that can result in commitment for life are very different things.
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 The only mistake you're making is in thinking that his feelings for you might change. Don't hang around waiting to find out if "what if" happens.
bac Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 he loves me. he is very happy with me. but he is not in love with me. I will greatly appreciate if somebody explains me the difference between 'he loves me' and 'but he is not in love with me'. I am actually dating guys in the USA. But in my original culture, if he loves a girl, it is equal to being in love with her.
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 he loves me. he is very happy with me. but he is not in love with me. I will greatly appreciate if somebody explains me the difference between 'he loves me' and 'but he is not in love with me'. I am actually dating guys in the USA. But in my original culture, if he loves a girl, it is equal to being in love with her. Well there are actually a few ways this could be taken. I'll share two. 1. It's a cop out excuse to break up with someone and doesn't really mean anything (other than a reflection upon the person who says it). 2. Think of it this way: you love your friends/parents/family/pets/whomever right? But you wouldn't want to screw them, marry them, spend the rest of your life with them, etc. You don't have that attraction to them (hopefully). So maybe he loves her like a friend or sister or something.
Lucky_One Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 just to be clear. it wasn't my gut that broke up with him. it was a reaction done out of insecurity. so i have to disagree with you there. What do you think gave you the insecurity? Your gut. Your most primal system in your body was telling you that this was not a healthy or good relationship for you to remain in, as this man simply is not going to fall in love with you after so long. So you reacted to that. And now you are angry with us for writing in black and white exactly what your body already knows? and i now i remember why i stopped visiting these boards. people here are not supportive at all. thanks for making me feel like 29 is old and thanks for reinforcing my insecurities that i need to somehow speed this process up. for the record there was no way to tell that he wasn't "falling in love" with me. it sure did feel like he was. That's bull, to say that people here are no supportive of you. Nowhere did anyone say that 29 was old, but someone did point out that time passes, with the implication that you need to make good healthy choices now because you sure don't want to wake up at 39 and realize that you wasted another 10 years on a man who just doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do for him. we decided 2 months ago the last time this issue surfaced that we would stay together as long as we both wanted to be with each other.. You say that there was no way to tell that he wasn't "falling in love" with you, but obviously there was. You had a discussion of this just 2 months ago after the LAST time this issue surfaced - not the FIRST time the issue surfaced. Sounds like this was an ongoing issue. I think part of the problem IS that you are 29. That can be a pretty scary year for a woman. You look around and see your friends married or even having children, and you think OMG I am going to be a new DECADE and I don't even have anyone in my life that looks as though he is marriage material or father material. It's not the easiest time for a woman - it really isn't. Society and great-aunts at family reunions can really mess with your mind.
caramel c Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 If he feels the need to separate love and being IN love, to YOU, his GIRLFRIEND, than he is simply freeing himself of emotional ties with you and I think its a bit disrespectful and insulting. That is my opinion, I am very sorry to be so harsh but I cannot sugar coat this at all. I advise a breakup plan immediately. This guy will never be what you deserve.
butcher's hook Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 he loves me. he is very happy with me. but he is not in love with me. I will greatly appreciate if somebody explains me the difference between 'he loves me' and 'but he is not in love with me'. I am actually dating guys in the USA. But in my original culture, if he loves a girl, it is equal to being in love with her. It means he cares about her (it's a nice way to put it using he loves her) but is not in love with her ie. he feels no chemistry and more than likely is waiting for someone better to come along. OP move on, stop making excuses, he is not going to change he knows that after all this time he has not fallen in love with you and it just wont change. now i'm freaked out. so the d-day was tonight and big surprise... he thinks we should break up. he says if he's not in love with me by now he never will be. And he does have a point, stop trying to talk him out of his decision, the only thing you will gain with that is that you will prolong the inevitable and you will hurt far more and he will still not fall in love with you down the line. If there is any hope at all that he might be confused the only thing that will definitely hit him and snap him back into his senses is if you walk away now before he has a chance to completely talk himself out of you. Right now he was still on the fence (asked for a few days to think about it) this is the PERFECT time to walk away and cut all contact. You dissapear and he will sort out his heart/head in your absence. Have some pride and dignity, if a person tells you they are not feeling what they should don't beg for them to feel more, act on what they tell you. something magical happens when you act with dignity your attraction level shoots up. No one is attracted to someone who displays signs of low self respect. its not a matter of him not wanting to be with me, or even knowing that things are wrong. he feels that things should have grown into "in love" by now. and even though everything else is practically perfect he doesn't believe that he can fall in love with me since he hasn't yet. but honestly, it doesn't even make sense because his actions have never felt like less than truly loving me. It makes perfect sense, he cares about you but his feelings have not progressed as they should. He is being honest with you and you should be smart about it, as hard as it is a pill to swallow, and LISTEN to what he is telling you. You don't know him better than he does himself he knows how he is feeling or at least how he "thinks he is feeling" (if he is confused) regardless of what you interpret from the outside. He knows best what he is talking about so stop trying to talk him out of it. and i now i remember why i stopped visiting these boards. people here are not supportive at all. thanks for making me feel like 29 is old and thanks for reinforcing my insecurities that i need to somehow speed this process up. for the record there was no way to tell that he wasn't "falling in love" with me. it sure did feel like he was. What did you expect for people to tell you yeah stick it out he will change? he won't change his mind not if you stay by his side sorry that's not what you want to hear...but that IS going to help you in the long run. Feel free to pass up our words ultimately it is your life, your heart.
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