beesue Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 My boyfriend cheated on me for almost the whole first year of our relationship with a MUCH younger girl. We have since been back together and have been working things out. It's been about 7months so far and things have been pretty good. I just can't seem to get over it. I get knots in my stomach when I'm away from the house, or I get "weird feelings" that he's talking to her again. I'm obsessed with checking her myspace profile picture just to see if something seems out of the ordinary or she has a suspicious comment, (which some have seemed) but I don't know if I'm just being overly suspicious and if I should just stop working myself up over nothing or I should look deeper. I sat down with him a couple of days ago and said that I was still having a hard time with what had happened in the past and I wanted him to show me an itemized phone bill of the past 6 months. I have asked him to do this on a couple of other occasions and he told me he would show me, but just hasn't done it yet. I thought to myself that this would be a good way to put some of the past behind us and move forward. I told him I just wanted to "see for myself" if I could trust that he hasn't talked with her since we got back together. He reacted as if I were attacking him and became very defensive. "Everything I've done has been for us"! And that wasn't enough proof for me? He was irritated that I still didn't trust him>? He told me I was being ridiculous. He told me he would show it to me, but we argued all night. The next day he came home with a new puppy and was being so nice to me I didn't even know what to think. It seemed like he was trying to distract me from pressing the phone bill issue. It was a complete 180 from the night before. He went from being a complete jerk and yelling, to constant "I love you's" and affection and attention. It almost seemed a little obvious to me. But I didn't know if maybe he felt bad for being a jerk the night before. So confused....Am I asking too much to see his phone bill?? Is this a pride thing or is it that he knows he's talked to her??
Shelly83 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 In my experience, when my 6th sense kicked in regarding my boyfriend acting in a way that I felt was dishonest (checking out women online, sending flirting messages, etc) and I investigated the matter, I ALWAYS discovered he was up to something. Now, he never actually cheated on me in the sense that he met any of these women or talked to them or had sex with someone else. But he knew that him going online and browsing profiles on Myspace was hurtful to me, and yet on two different occassions he was doing so behind my back and I had to discover it by snooping. I would say if your gut is still telling you that something isn't right, go with your gut instinct. Ask yourself if there is anything he could do to regain your trust, or if you will always be concerned about his past actions. Even if he showed you the phone bill, I don't think that would put your concerns to rest. He might not want to show you his phone bill because he might be thinking, "What's next?" meaning, if the phone bill doesn't put you at ease, what else will you want to snoop into? His emails? His credit card statements? Know what I mean? So first try to look into yourself and see if there is anything that could put you at ease or if this may very well always plague you. Good luck!
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Insist to see the phone bill.. he's hiding it for a reason.. Or maybe he needs time to 'fix' the bill.. one of my MM did that before.. don't ask me how.. but he said he could delete some of the calls..
Author beesue Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Thanks Shelley that is good advice. I've actually caught him doing the same thing...looking at girls profiles that are dressed provacatively, even little perv Utube clips. I confronted him and haven't seen anything like it since, but I'm sure he knows how to delete history. If he does show me the phone bill and there isn't anything there I won't bother him with that anymore. If he doesn't show me within the next few days I'm leaving him for good because that answers my question to begin with. I don't know if there will be "something next" that will plague me, but I see this as at least a stepping stone or a turning point. Either he can be honest and open, or we can be done. Simple as that. And Lizzie, I hope he doesn't now how to "fix" the phone bill and I think deep down in my heart that he isn't showing it to me because he has talked to her. Ugh...now just yesterday after I posted this he was talking about getting a tattoo of my name lol...is that how men act when they try to "butter" you up or distract you??
reservoirdog1 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing." If he's really serious about rebuilding your trust in him, he should be bending over backwards to demonstrate how trustworthy he is. The fact that he's acting defensive and refusing to allay your concerns (which are quite reasonable, given that the entire first year of your relationship was a fraud) is a huge cause for concern.
Brady_to_Moss Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 just yesterday after I posted this he was talking about getting a tattoo of my name lol...is that how men act when they try to "butter" you up or distract you?? Hate to say it but hes saying that to butter you up just like you said...sorry but hes doing something behind your back.. Whole first year and your still with him? Come on...
Thornton Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 He has obviously not done enough to regain your trust, and tbh if I were you this guy would never regain my trust after having cheated for a whole year - he doesn't deserve to be trusted again. It's no good carrying on like this, feeling suspicious all the time - you clearly can't trust him (and neither would I) so do yourself a favour and get rid of the cheating scumbag.
Hkizzle Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 There are two types of cheaters. The ones that get caught in the moment and the pre-meditated cheaters. If he cheated for an entire year, he's a pre-meditated cheated, as in he knew what he was doing, planned it, lied about it. Those types of cheaters will always be cheaters.
dreamergrl Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ask yourself, will seeing the phone bill really win your trust back? Or will you always have that nagging feeling because you got cheated on for a year? Is it really worth putting in anymore time into this R?
Author beesue Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 like I said before. This was the begin all end all in our relationship. The phone bill was the one thing I needed for us to take a step forward...or end it all together....as of tonight....I asked him to show me his bill online....he would not.....I ended it...I begged him...I pleaded with him....he would not show me his bill online...he claimed he ordered it and it would be in the mail in a few days...I did not accept that....I ended it...did I do the right thing? I didn't understand why he wanted for me to wait until it came in the mail as opposed to just simply showing me online????????
MissViolet Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm really sorry you had to go through this. From my past experience, if a person has nothing to hide, he or she will have no issues shedding some light. I know that if I loved someone I will try my best to ease their mind and do whatever it takes to prove my love. He didn't need the paper copy to arrive, he could easily take 3 secs to log on and show you his bill electronically. But by saying he wants to wait for the copy I think he was just trying to stall. Im sorry but you deserve someone who'll be honest with you. I think you did the right thing, it takes courage to walk away.
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