tom182 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Hi everyone, I've registered on this forum as I'm in real need of some advice. Its a bit of a long story, so bear with me..... I've not had a lot of relationships in the past, so am a bit rubbish with dealing with emotions. My first serious relationship started when I went off to university. I was with Kate for 5 years, but sadly she died from Leukaemia in 2004. Since then, its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. I went through a spell of quite severe depression, but thanks to some amazing friends, and some professional counciling, I came out the other side. So, here I am 5 years down the line, and am feeling ready to be with someone again. However, I am really insecure, have quite low self esteem, and its really doing my head in. I was seeing someone last year for about 6 months, but she dumped me, as I was becoming incredibly needy, and clingy. Classic insecurity I guess - I would panic if she didn't reply to my text messages, and would call her all the time. So that was pretty rubbish, but it did at least prove to myself that I could love someone again. I've recently started seeing a girl called Sarah, and she is incredible. We met at university too, and I immediately fell for her. She has been a best friend for 10 years, and has been there through thick and thin with me, so I want with all my heart for this to work out. And here lies the problem. All of the insecurity has started coming back. She never has her cell phone turned on, but I pretty much live by mine, so I send her text messages and then get really worried when she doesn't reply. Last night, I was out with some friends, and had drunk quite a lot of booze, and got really paranoid about the fact we'd not spoken for a couple of days. As a result I sent her 3 or 4 text messages, in the middle of the night, desperately hoping she would reply. She is on holiday for a week in Spain, and i'm certain that she won't have her phone turned on while she is out there, so it is ridiculuous to be worried about her not replying. I am really worried i'm going to stuff this up, and don't know what to do about it. I'm trying so hard to not be like this, but I don't seem to be able to help myself. I've been kicking myself all day about being so clingy last night. Can anyone give me some pointers, or some advice on how I can start tackling these feelings? I would love it if there was some cognitive action I could take each time I started having these insecure thoughts, so any help would be so massively appreciated. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and hopefully help me out. Tom x
bac Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 google 'oneitis' Maybe you should ask your GF about how many texts, emails, calls are comfortable for her. Maybe she hates texts and multiple calls per day. Maybe she enjoys that. Who knows? You need to match her expectations. I think it is simple. Ask her what she expects and wants and do exactly what she wants. As for insecurity, not so much can be done about that because it is an irrational fear. In other words, the fear exists only in person's head, but not in reality.
Thaddeus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 You need to match her expectations. I think it is simple. Ask her what she expects and wants and do exactly what she wants.No, no, a thousand times no. Knowing her expectations is one thing and that's fine, makes sense. But twisting yourself into a knot, doing things you're uncomfortable with, or being out of alignment with who you truly are for the sake of someone's romantic attention is precisely the wrong thing to do. Combine that with the fact that there's often a huge difference between what people say they want and what they actually respond to adds another obstacle to the mix. Tom182, frankly it doesn't look too good. The sense I get is that you're her 'friend,' which means any romantic involvement between you and her is pretty much a no-go zone. You can try - and you'll have to do it in person, not via phone or *shudder* texting - but in my experience and the experience of most of the men on this board, once you're in the friend-zone there is no way out. So hang on until she gets back from Spain (by the way, did she go to see the F1 Grand Prix while she was there? Great race... but I digress...) and make a move. Not a subtle one. It's got to be abundantly clear to her that you're not her 'friend,' you're interested in something much more meaningful than that. Good luck.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Tom - get some hobbies. When you send a text, rather than waiting and waiting around for a return text, go do something. Go for a walk. Just SOMETHING to get your mind off of it. Seriously. Be gone from your phone for AT LEAST a good 10 mins. You'll find the compulsion slows down a bit if you don't give into it. Then you need to start working on being comfortable with yourself. And I mean being 100% comfortable with the idea of being ALONE. You need to be a complete person all on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship. Like I said before - get some hobbies. Get out there. Have fun. Discover things about yourself that are lovable. Learn how to love yourself. You can't depend on someone else to fill that for you.
Author tom182 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Hi everyone, Firstly, thanks so much for the replies. I really apprecaite your advice. Bac - the funny thing is that I know exactly what her expectations are, and they are quite simple - she HATES her phone, and she hates having it turned on. Whenever I am with her the first thing she does is turn her phone off as she doesn't want to be interrupted from spending time with the person she is with. I know this, yet I still got upset when she didn't reply. Stupid huh? As you rightly say, insecurity is totally irrational, and its totally in my head. I trust her totally, and have no idea why I felt like I did. Regarding the friend thing, well to be honest I don't subscribe to that arguement at all. I've been with this girl for about a month now, and its been incredible. We went away for the weekend last week and had the most perfect time. We've been very open and honest with each other, and have discussed the friendship thing at great length. We are both very aware that it makes it more complicated, and so are just taking things slowly, being honest, and open. She also knows about my insecurity, and my history of depression, so i'm not hiding anything from her. The issue for me is being able to remove myself from my phone. Its so stupid being so dependant on it. I know exactly what this girl is like, and she probably hasn't even picked up the texts i sent on saturday as she may not even have taken her phone to Spain with her. So it is totally irrational that I got so upset when she didn't reply. Like I said before, I suspect alcohol has a lot to do with it. So i'm going to take the advice given, get myself away from my phone, do some running, see some friends, and be busy. SoulSearch - you are so right about being comfortable with myself. I was on my own for 4 years after Kate died, and have was single for about 7 months before things started happening with Sarah. I live on my own, and really don't have a problem with spending time on my own. Having said that, I LOVE being with people, and want so much to be in a relationship with Sarah. Thanks once again for the advice. Tom
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