fooled once Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 how are you doing? How are you coping? Have you been able to remain NC?
Devil Inside Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I was the MM. A ended almost three months ago. My xOW ended it. My W did not find out...I haven't told her. I am pretty sad. I feel guilty. I miss my xOW. I feel like crap for what I've done to both women. However, every week I feel better. I am not as much of an emotional mess now that I have maintained NC. I cope by trying to work on understanding myself. I cope by trying to give my heart back to my wife. I cope by parenting my children. I cope by throwing myself into my job, friends, and hobbies. I cope by posting on here and doing work on myself in other arenas. I have maintained NC for almost three weeks now. It makes it easy that my xOW has not tries to contact me. For me NC means not even looking at her picture on Facebook or anything...not always easy...but my marriage and sanity depend on it. I also believe the most loving act I can show my xOW is to leave her alone, so she can heal and move on.
StoptheDrama Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I have my good days, my OK days and my bad days...as we work together, full NC is not an option and I firmly believe that makes moving on and recovering much more difficult...today is an OK day...
jj33 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Devil that is so true. The best thing you can do for the OW is to not contact her. As much as it hurts its the best thing for both of you. There is NOTHING new to say. Nothing good that will come of it. Just more Romeo and Juliet type proclamations. Hang in there. It will get better over time.
Devil Inside Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Devil that is so true. The best thing you can do for the OW is to not contact her. As much as it hurts its the best thing for both of you. There is NOTHING new to say. Nothing good that will come of it. Just more Romeo and Juliet type proclamations. Hang in there. It will get better over time. Thanks for the encouragement. I need to hear this over and over. Luckily, these days my logic is winning most of the battles with my heart...but I still need to hear these words.
Montclair0011 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Oh, I'm a wreck, but I had recontact last month and it set me back. I agree that if there is no chance of reconciliation the best thing to do is NC. Much as I constantly check the email and hope against hope. It's not healthy to be involved with someone who says they love you, consider you their soul mate and admit that they will never leave their toxic family situation (and it is a toxic situation--it's not just my biased view). Hopefully he will not contact me again and I will heal and move on (I can't believe I said that because that's not what I'm really thinking). I have a new relationship but I'm not sure if that is helping or hindering my progress. Part of me keeps comparing the new guy unfavorably to the old and makes me feel even more lonely and obsessive. But sometimes we start to connect in small ways and I think maybe I'm better off with this one. Sort of a "You can't always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need".
jj33 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 You are definitely doing the right thing. All contact will do is feed the hurt and the longing. Its not going to give you that magical world where you are with OW and happily married to your W and you all live happily ever after. Just remember that. Contact will only put you back on the roller coaster. You are doing great with NC just keep it up. Before you know it, OW will be a place your mind goes every once in awhile and smiles rather than a place of longing. The change is instantaneous. One day you wake up and you dont have that hole in your heart.
Author fooled once Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 You are definitely doing the right thing. All contact will do is feed the hurt and the longing. Its not going to give you that magical world where you are with OW and happily married to your W and you all live happily ever after. Just remember that. Contact will only put you back on the roller coaster. You are doing great with NC just keep it up. Before you know it, OW will be a place your mind goes every once in awhile and smiles rather than a place of longing. The change is instantaneous. One day you wake up and you dont have that hole in your heart. Great post jj
lovely12 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 oh gees. I look at his picture every day and check my email constantly. I'm a mess. But I know it's going to take time to get over him.
ednadean Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 oh gees. I look at his picture every day and check my email constantly. I'm a mess. But I know it's going to take time to get over him. I hear you. I'm the same. completely obsessed.
MistyK Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 It's been an awful few weeks. I still find myself asking why things turned out this way. I wonder if I will ever fully recover. I am nowhere near where I need to be. NC lasted a couple weeks (the longest I've ever gone) and we're LC now. Supposedly all the paperwork for his D is done and they are just waiting for the final decree (takes a week or two). I'm skeptical of course, and my bigger probelm remains how enmeshed they are - the final divorce isn't going to change that. I don't want to be second-best anymore and I certainly don't want to worry that he's spending hours on end with her or better yet, lying to me so that he can do just that. He knows all this and has basically said that it's because of his sense of duty, that it's just "who he is" and isn't likely to change, EVER. I guess I should take his word on that, but he also says he is trying to change it in therapy. Our relationship is like a riptide - and I've never been much of a match for the undertow. But it's better. I don't run to him now like I used to. I stand up for myself in little ways and he's responsive. There is space now for him to grieve his marriage without me having to hold his hand through it. And I don't feel like I have to. I don't really know what any of this means, but I feel a little safer now in my own skin. I'm looking into other ways to fill my time and be happy. And I'm trying to work very hard on myself. That's my focus now, not him to the exclusion of everything else.
Author fooled once Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Oh, I'm a wreck, but I had recontact last month and it set me back. I agree that if there is no chance of reconciliation the best thing to do is NC. Much as I constantly check the email and hope against hope. It's not healthy to be involved with someone who says they love you, consider you their soul mate and admit that they will never leave their toxic family situation (and it is a toxic situation--it's not just my biased view). Hopefully he will not contact me again and I will heal and move on (I can't believe I said that because that's not what I'm really thinking). I have a new relationship but I'm not sure if that is helping or hindering my progress. Part of me keeps comparing the new guy unfavorably to the old and makes me feel even more lonely and obsessive. But sometimes we start to connect in small ways and I think maybe I'm better off with this one. Sort of a "You can't always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need". I am so sorry Mont that you are feeling the way you are. You are right, the relationship isn't healthy. Very few A's are healthy for the OW. That is the saddest part. This relationship may be your transition guy. Maybe he will last. Just don't force yourself to feel something you either don't feel or aren't ready to feel. I wish you lots of luck as you begin your healing process.
Author fooled once Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 oh gees. I look at his picture every day and check my email constantly. I'm a mess. But I know it's going to take time to get over him. Lovely *hug* How are you doing? ETA: I had forgotten that this was an online affair with a guy who said his wife had died, showed you an obiturary and it was all a LIE. Please don't let this psycho back into your life...
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