dark1san Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I'm engaged to a wonderful woman, we both have male and female friends that we talk to on a daily basis, my one female friend wanted to see a movie that I went to see with my best friend the other nite and she was like, you should go see it again with me. I told her I was going to ask if she wanted to go see it, but then thought to myself ," This is not a good idea, I'm engaged and shouldn't be going out alone with another female it wouldn't be a good idea to do that". I know nothing would of happened but I know my fiance wouldn't feel comfortable knowing I was at the movies alone with another woman "alone together" as I know nothing would happen between her and one of her male friends but I too would be uncomfortable if she went out to a movie alone with one. And I think I made my friend mad at me for my choice.
Vet Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I'm engaged to a wonderful woman, we both have male and female friends that we talk to on a daily basis, my one female friend wanted to see a movie that I went to see with my best friend the other nite and she was like, you should go see it again with me. I told her I was going to ask if she wanted to go see it, but then thought to myself ," This is not a good idea, I'm engaged and shouldn't be going out alone with another female it wouldn't be a good idea to do that". I know nothing would of happened but I know my fiance wouldn't feel comfortable knowing I was at the movies alone with another woman "alone together" as I know nothing would happen between her and one of her male friends but I too would be uncomfortable if she went out to a movie alone with one. And I think I made my friend mad at me for my choice. You made the right decision. Better to alienate a friend than to alienate your partner. Your friend should understand that.
loveslife Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Is it you or your fiance that feels this way? I've never understood the idea that taken people can't do things alone with members of the opposite sex. Makes no sense to me.
Author dark1san Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 You can, just sometimes it's not the best choice to make, like a lunch date ok, but a movie probably not the best choice.
loveslife Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Yeah, I don't see why not. I'd never let a romantic partner dictate who I can be friends with or not or what I can and cannot do with them. I have a male friend and I'm also friends with the wife. The guy and I get kind of cuddly in front of the wife. She's totally fine with it. She likes that we're so close. I think she's pretty secure in the relationship with the husband and also knows me well enough to not worry.
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 The only time caution is justified is if there are insecurities possible within the relationship. My partner regularly sees friends/members of the opposite sex, and went up to London on a social jaunt, with one, a while ago. I could also go see a male friend for a drink, if the situation arose, without any fear of objection from my partner. Just as I see it....
Island Girl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I've never understood the idea that taken people can't do things alone with members of the opposite sex. Makes no sense to me. If you are ever placed in a situation that looks completely inappropriate (though possibly completely innocent) and challenges the trust in your relationship then you'll understand. It just seems to cause problems where there weren't any (and wouldn't have been any) previously. So it is much easier to prioritize your partner (if you are in a serious commitment), their feelings, their perspective, and the relationship because all else should be secondary to that anyway.
loveslife Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If you are ever placed in a situation that looks completely inappropriate (though possibly completely innocent) and challenges the trust in your relationship then you'll understand. It just seems to cause problems where there weren't any (and wouldn't have been any) previously. So it is much easier to prioritize your partner (if you are in a serious commitment), their feelings, their perspective, and the relationship because all else should be secondary to that anyway. Wow, I completely disagree. It's not a matter of prioritizing. The situation you mention has to do with a lack of trust in your partner and not the other person. I'd never betray a good friend for the sake of a partner. And I would never ask the other person to do that either. If there's room for doubt about the friendship and it's potential threat then maybe it's not a good relationship to begin with.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Wow, I completely disagree. It's not a matter of prioritizing. The situation you mention has to do with a lack of trust in your partner and not the other person. I'd never betray a good friend for the sake of a partner. And I would never ask the other person to do that either. If there's room for doubt about the friendship and it's potential threat then maybe it's not a good relationship to begin with. While I agree that trust triumphs all, the secret to keeping that trust is to use sound judgment in your actions. Spending two hours with a woman alone in a dark room doesn't seem like sound judgment in my eyes, and it gives off the appearance of impropriety. More importantly, it makes his fiance uncomfortable. You gave the example of being very cuddly with a friend of yours. If my wife was being cuddly with a man who was a friend, it would probably make me uncomfortable, not because I thought she was cheating on me with him, but because I would find it inappropriate. If she didn't take my feelings into account, that trust is broken.
loveslife Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I just disagree. I think it's normal to have close friends of the opposite sex. For me, when they're taken it makes it easier because there is no question in my mind about the type of relationship. As for respecting your partner, I have never had a partner tell me I couldn't be friends with a guy. Even when I'm cuddly with them. So I guess this is a case-by-case basis type issue.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I just disagree. I think it's normal to have close friends of the opposite sex. For me, when they're taken it makes it easier because there is no question in my mind about the type of relationship. As for respecting your partner, I have never had a partner tell me I couldn't be friends with a guy. Even when I'm cuddly with them. So I guess this is a case-by-case basis type issue. Hey, it's your right to disagree and it's your life. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone that has a problem with you being cuddly with other men, then definitely seek out someone with that attribute. I'm just saying, for me, when my partner's desires outweigh my friends' desires, I choose my partner every time. I try my best to not put her in the position of even being uncomfortable though, which is what I was getting at by avoiding the appearance of impropriety. As far as the original poster goes though, his fiancee wouldn't be comfortable with him spending alone time with one of his female friends at the movies, and he has, wisely I think, chosen her needs over the friend's.
loveslife Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hey sorry Vet, I'm not trying to put down your feelings on this issue. Just recognizing that it's an individual thing. I realize that a lot of people feel the same way as you. It's just a little alien to me and I always kind of scratch my head at this issue.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hey sorry Vet, I'm not trying to put down your feelings on this issue. Just recognizing that it's an individual thing. I realize that a lot of people feel the same way as you. It's just a little alien to me and I always kind of scratch my head at this issue. No offense taken at all. You have to have a relationship that takes your personal feelings into account. I would think that you would've come across men that would've had problems with you being very cuddly with a male friend, but if not, better for you.
loveslife Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 No offense taken at all. You have to have a relationship that takes your personal feelings into account. I would think that you would've come across men that would've had problems with you being very cuddly with a male friend, but if not, better for you. When I say "very cuddly" I don't mean I sit on the couch with them and put my leg over theirs. I just mean now and then a hug, an arm aound each other or something like that. Warmth. Affection.
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