I dont know if I'll ever shake the regret

[DudeMan27]

I'll try and keep this short because talking about it makes me physically sick. My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. A mutual friend set us up and you couldnt find two people more perfect for each other. Both nice, fun, with great friends and family. A couple months in, a few friends (girls) started messaging me online. Of course her jealousy set in and due to a past relationship (my last girlfriend broke my heart, and called 3 weeks later rubbing it in my face that she was engaged to her ex) I put up these relationship walls and vowed never to be pushed around by women. Once she started getting jealous and accusing, I basically had a zero tolerance policy at that time and we fought and broke up. I was miserable for 2 months. We still talked and would hang out but she said only as friends. I would see my friends with their gf's and think how I wish I had another chance to shower her with love like my friends do with theres. Eventually we got back together.

 

I was so happy I couldnt believe it. I started doing the things I should, flowers, texts saying I was thinking about her. But that didnt last long. Looking back I turned right back into my old defensive ways. Not going to something she wanted to if I didnt. Because I "didnt want to be pushed around by women anymore" I had this macho persona due to past crappy relationships.

 

This turned the relationship into an emotional rollercoaster. Toward the end, I had a sexual problem and we were very open in talkign about it. She was okay with it and just wanted me to see a doctor and was very supportive. Well my self esteem was completely shot and my embarassment level was thru the roof. I just swept the problem under the rug for months becuase I was so scared she hated me for it and was embarrassed to go to the doctor. Finally I made an appointment and guess what, was too embarrassed to say anything. She was so upset and couldnt understand why I woulndt want to get help. the relationship started deteriorating from that point until as she told me the other day "she was just exhausted and knew things werent going to change"

 

Now I cant sleep for more than 30 minutes straight, I cant stand to be alone so Im out with my friends constantly even if Im sick or tired after work becuase Im so depressed. I can barely crack a smile. I keep thinking over and over again what I terrible relationship it was because of me and how she didnt deserve it. Its getting harder and harder to remember all the sweet things I did for her, I know they are there, but I cant reemmber any of them (like calling to say I missed her, calling her my baby, etc) We even barely had any pictures of each other around. I had one on my nightstand and I think she had one online. That was it. Is that really weird? I feel horrible about that too. I should have had a shine to her at my house.

 

Alot of the time I think I would question if I really was into her,even tho I was. My friend made a joke about us being married and I thought "is this really the woman I want to end up with?" Even tho I would look at her, think how beautiful she is, and how upset I was after we split the first time, I would still think like that.

 

I just sit all day and think all I had to do was put my embarrassment aside one time for the doctor and it would have saved my relationship. I cant get past that moment. She was completely supportive and wanted me to get help so we could be together and I blew it. now Im lying in bed, and I cant stop thinking how I blew the best thing that ever happend to me, TWICE. A beautiful girl, with a great family, great personality, who would never get mad at me. If I would have made ONE decision right, my life would be totally different. Now I'm home alone every night, not eating, not sleeping and feel I totally brought it on myself. People that know me and know her probably are laughing at me because I screwed this up. I am absolutely miserable and I cant stop thinking about it. All she wants to do is be friends. I love hearing her voice and seeing her texts, but all it does is make me think how different my life would be right now if I would have just opened up and saw how stupid I was being. I am so angry at myself. I always thought she was pretty, but sometimes I would stupidly question if I was 100% attracted to her. Now I saw pictures of her and think she is the most beautiful women I've ever seen and how she probably gets hit on 24 hours a day. I dont know if thats just normal, you dont know what you have till its gone or not. I feel so foolish.

[Thomas X Forever]

I just sit all day and think all I had to do was put my embarrassment aside one time for the doctor and it would have saved my relationship.

 

 

You're wrong. I know all you can see is what's on the surface right now, but you're wrong. This wouldn't have saved the relationship. The change you need, wouldn't come from going to the doctors. The change you need needs to come from inside, through much introspection and determination. You must understand you are wrong, and slowly change. This doctor appointment isn't the problem, ultimately. I think you know that.

 

The whole "wouldn't let a girl push me around" attitude is actually what girls go for, as a matter of fact. I see people go around posting "Read No More Mr Nice Guy!" and you are doing more or less, what that book teaches.

 

But you need to be more empathetic, considerate, and not so defensive. THAT'S what you need to change, NOT your temporary sexual issue. You have to get to the root of the problem.

[Exit]

Have you told her any of what you just wrote here? Does she know how much you regret it?

 

You remind me of myself. Early in my relationship, I remember telling my friends "this girl is crazy about me, she wants to hang every day after work and I just can't handle it", and I wasn't sure she was the one for me, but as time went on I totally fell in love, and now that she's gone I can't believe I didn't do a better job.

 

As much as we try to tell ourselves it's not just about wanting what we can't have... isn't it though? If you were so deeply in love with her, you never would have made your behavioral mistakes twice. If you loved her that much, you would have jumped at the chance to figure out your problem with the doctor instead of missing the opportunity.

 

It's the same for me, I think of a few key points in the relationship where I think "if I hadn't done that, she'd still be here".

 

You definitely need to let go of your baggage from that earlier relationship and stop feeling like you're being "bossed around" by girls. A relationship is about compromise and if you expect to be successful with a "I don't do anything I don't want to" attitude, no girl is ever gunna stick with you.

[DudeMan27]

I did send her an email saying a bit of it last month before I left on vacation. I just told her she needs to know how sorry I am for that stuff. I told her I kept her at a distance at times, ive never done that with anyone, and I cant figure out why I did that. I told her it makes me sick thinking I treated her like that. She also hinted a few times of me cheating on her, which never happend. I told her I really need her to believe that.

 

She sent a 5 page text the next day saying it really meant alot for me to say that and she knew there was more too me and could figure out why I held back. She also said lucky for us there are no bad feelings and our friendship is not lost. That kinda stung.

 

Im seriously worried about my mental state. I barely talk to anyone anymore. I sleep for about 30 minutes straight, wake up and think about the realtionship. Hanging out with my friends just doesnt do it anymore. I just feel like I wasted a really good relationship. If some of these bad experiences, (fighting, me being mad sometimes, the sex problem) didnt happen, I'd be upset over the breakup but at least be able to look back and smile at what a great time I had with a great girl. But all I can focus on is the bad. Im just so angry at myself for feeling this way NOW, instead of when we were dating. When we were together, if we went a few days without seeing each other, I thought it was no big deal. Sometimes I would go an entire day without calling her. I barely had any pictures in my house of us. I sometimes questioned if I was totally attracted to her. Now, I miss her so bad, if we were together I'd call her just to tell her Im thinking about her. I'd surprise her at her home after work so we can spend some time together. And I also think of her, and theres not a single woman I've met that is better looking than her. I just cant figure out what my problem was during the relationship. If i had these strong of feelings when we were dating, it would have been great. I would have been the boyfriend I want to be.

 

We spoke the other day and she threw out a story about how she was asked on two dates by these kids at work (they were college interns) she then says "Oh was that weird for me to say that?" I said no. She then said "You're upset, im sorry. These are two kids I wouldnt ever consider dating, i thought it was more of a funny story than anything." I just told her I wasnt upset but she could tell. I got about 3 hours of sleep that night because of that comment and the next day I had to tell her. I told her that even tho she didnt mean anything by it, it bothered me more than I thought. I told her Im really making a big effort here and dont want things to be awkward. She called me back and said that maybe WE (altho im sure she means me) arent ready to be friends yet. She said how theres no set time frame for friends, we dont need to rush things as we only broke up 5 months ago. I told her Im in a frustrating position because being friends with her really matters to me, but at the same time since we started talking again, Im starting to miss her.

 

I pretty much got no reaction. She just said its a decision im going to have to make myself and I can let her know when Im ready. I just dont know if that can happen tho. Ive had great relationships in the past and we now hate each other. I tear up thinking if that happend between me and her. Not being friends and not speaking hurt just as much as not being with her. I dont know what to do. Altho, its even worse because I think wheather we are friends or not, wouldnt affect her either way. And this decision is tearing my heart out.

[soheartbroken]

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one wallowing in regret. Like you, I think that I made many obvious mistakes that I wish I could take back. And like you, my ex was wonderful, and I really screwed things up with an awesome person.

 

Sometimes I think the only way I will get over this is to find someone new who is also great, and to deal with my issues.

 

I think you need to go NC. You're sooooo lucky that she said she can wait to be friends. My ex did not even leave the friendship thing on the table. Please use this opportunity to go NC, work on your issues, and know that she will be waiting on the other line when you are ready (OVER HER).

 

I, on the other hand, have to worry about whether I will ever speak to my ex again. And that is the ****ti*st feeling in the world.

[mickleb]

Hi DudeMan.

 

So sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. I think Thomas pretty much nailed it. I would recommend you seek some counselling to help you get underneath all of this misery and confusion.

 

Of course, I could be completely wrong but I think, perhaps, you might have held back as you were actually afraid of losing her, when you were together. I know that doesn't make much sense but I think you might have been so defensive from your previous relationship, you decided you wouldn't allow yourself to get hurt like that again. So you kept part of yourself back, clammed up, etc and this contributed to your medical problem. As you were, really, being dishonest with yourself and, deep down, knew it. I apologise if this offends you, I don't know you, it's just a hunch.

 

I do think you need some help moving on, though. You are very low and it's clearly difficult for you to make sense of this. I would also recommend you take some time away from your ex but can understand why this makes you nervous. Let someone who is trained help you to make the right decisions for your situation.

 

Keep making the very best of life that you can. And don't keep hurting yourself like this. You'll find no answers and just, eventually, push her away completely. you certainly won't help yourself. Take care. xx

[DudeMan27]

Thanks so much to everyone for your kind words, opinions and advice. I wish there wasnt eeven a need for a board like this but thats life I guess. its just funny how now she seems so unapproacable to me, so unattainable. Like that prom queen in high school. I look back and think, "wow, THAT girl liked me. THAT girl wanted to spend nights with me, THAT girl found me attractive" And now she seems so distant. I think thats what makes it even harder. I now feel like she's this out of this world catch, and to think I once had her, makes my heart sink even more. I dont meet a ton of women. I usually have a serious-semi serious girlfriend about once every 2 years. Im 27, which I know is not old, but most of my friends have settled down. Theres not many places I go to to meet women. Most of my girlfriends were met thru friends, or at parties in highschool/college. With my friends mostly settled and us in our late 20's, really the only parties we have are with people that already know one other. I get this sick feeling that I was handed a golden opportunity at a potential life mate, and threw it all away.

 

I thought for sure I was going to marry my 3 year gf from college. We broke up senior year and I felt this same way. Its taken 7 years for me to even get that feeling again about someone else. What if it takes another 7? When we spoke last week she said something along the lines of "nobody cheated on each other, nobody was mean to someone, so luckily that makes it possible to be apart of each others lives" That hurt even worse because it makes me feel even more that I blew this. It wasnt a case of her finding someone else, it wasnt a case of us fighting. As she said "she woke up that morning and realized nothing was going to change and was exhausted"

 

I cant stop feeling like I pushed my wife away. My life has been so crappy. I cant even stand to be alone in my house. I constantly do things I dont want to or dont feel like doing simply because its better than being alone. Thanks again for the opinions and thoughts, it does help, but Im running out of options.

[Lish]

Um, I don't really know where to begin with this...so just bare with me here.

 

Okay, there's obviously alot of issues here and alot going on in your head. I really, really hope you listen to me and take some of the things I say on board... and everything the other posters have said.

Firstly, you need to deal with one thing at a time... nothing in life is simple but just take it slowly and you WILL get there. This sleep thing is actually a major issue. Tiredness/frustration caused by lack of sleep is actually making this a whole lot worse. If you slept normally, you might feel generally a little bit better and most importantly, it would make you more alert and enable you to think & concentrate with a clearer, less tired head.

 

Then you need to stop obsessing over this relationship and the regret, what you need to be focusing on is yourself.. as another poster said, this isn't about your ex or your relationship, this is all about you & the root of the problem. Unfortunately for all of us, we cannot change the past and sadly, what is done....is done. Nobody can change that & you can only change the future.

Another thing I think you need to do is start believing that there is a positive to be drawn from all this: you confronting your issues which in turn will allow you to be a happier person and thus enabling you to settle down like your friends have.

 

You need to stop being so hard on yourself sweetie.. you have a chance to deal with the issues that destroyed this relationship. She seems very understanding and supportive even still.

 

This has gone on long enough now... you need to let go of regret and try help yourself. You're not a bad person.

 

"I constantly do things I dont want to or dont feel like doing" - what this means is... you're running away.

 

I'm a medical student (hence the therapy-like lecture) and a part of the course is about psychology...so if you need any more advice, then please feel free to ask... i don't know how much you're going to listen of what I just said so I didn't want to go into too much depth incase ya just don't care what I have to say. I hope you listen, though.

[leap83]

I can see where you're coming from and I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, because I know how tough it is. There are a couple of things right now you need to concentrate on.

 

The first thing you need to do, IMO, is talk with this girl. Tell her how you feel about her and then say that you will work on yourself for the next couple of months. Don't expect her to hand you another chance: you had 2 and her personality seems like mine. So unless she sees that you've changed, you won't be getting the 3rd shot. Sorry if this hurts you. But it's not the end of the world. So talk with her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you're going to work on yourself. Then say you're going NC for 2 months. I know it's a long time but it will give you time to work on yourself. Let her know that you will contact her after those 2 months are up.

 

Secondly, after you've done the above, start by analyzing yourself. You already know what you need to fix so that's a good thing. Write it down on a piece of paper. Work through that piece of paper. No sitting in house. No walking around aimlessly. You've got a goal and that is to fix yourself so you can be in a relationship. Do what you feel like doing: ie. if you feel like walking in the rain, do it. If you feel like cleaning up your home, do it. Get the drift. This will help in terms of being able to do what you want to do and when you want to do it - it'll help with buying flowers problems and other things you felt you were blocked with while with her.

 

Thirdly, you need to deal with your past. Let go off your ex. Do whatever it takes to get rid of her from your mind and your heart. You won't marry her. It is past. It's over. Out the window. You have met an incredible girl for a reason. Don't waste it away by dwelling on what was before. So work on that. Get rid of those feelings of "I want to be a macho man." Not all women are like your ex. Some genuinely care and this girl seems like that type.

 

Now, I can't tell what are the next couple of steps. You will need to figure that out on your own. But you have 3 things you need to do right now to salvage this. So, don't sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Go out there and change what you need to change before it is too late!!!!!!!! Yes. Psychologist could help. A good one. If the girl is anything close to my personality, she'll give you a 3rd chance if she sees the change in you. But you'll have to work for that chance. So be ready that you'll have to go above and beyond to help her see that you've changed.

 

The reason why I'm saying all of this is because I'm in a similar situation. The guy I was/am seeing shuts down exactly like you and does the exact same things. We decided to go NC for a couple of weeks until he puts himself back together. I'm really hoping he's not doing what you're doing: sitting and regretting... However, the difference between you and him is that he has not yet used up his 2nd chance.

[DudeMan27]

Thats again everyone for your valuable opinions. I know exactly what I need to do. If fact I WAS doing it. I was a wreck for a couple months, but pulled myself together, lost weight, and worked out and gained some muscle (even my ex asked last week if I was lifting more becuase my muscles looked bigger in my vacation FB photos) Even tho I still wanted to get back with her, I was proud I hadnt bothered anyone about this for some time. Our mutual friend would call me and I wouldnt even bring her name up.

 

It was when she called to catch up that things turned sour for me again. She kept pushing the issue if i wasnt returning calls, and was afraid she was annoying me. I assured her she wasnt and eventually worked up the courage to call. In the month after, we would have friendly conversations over text message as she was constantly traveling. Thats when I completely fell back apart. I had, admittingly, false hope that her texting me while she was on vacation meant something.

 

I just dont know. I feel like she brought up those two kids asking her on dates to see what my reaction would be. When I fessed up the next day that it did bother me, thats when she called and said maybe we're not ready to be friends. Her tone just didnt seem like someone even remotely interested. It seemed so easy for her to throw the friends thing out. I was telling her how I dont want things to be awkward and next thing you know we dont speak at all. She said she doesnt feel awkward at all. How can you be with someone over a year and not feel awkward just the second time you talk to them? It seems like its so effortless for her to be friends, and its a daily/hourly struggle for me. I want to communicate more of this to her, but dont want to seem needy and push her away even further. Our mutual friend said how I was doing a really good job, I didnt contact for several months, I didnt send flowers or notes, I wasnt needy. I dont want to ruin all those months of being strong, but I feel like theres so many feelings I havent conveyed to her yet. But it will probably all be for not. One of my best friends is pretty good friends with her ex and I was talking to her about it. About how they did it. Well apparentely this guy still sends her messages about how he dreams about her, and makes it well aware he wants her back, even after 5 years. I dont want to be that guy, but I'd love to make it known, if she already hasnt.

 

Our mutual friend is flying home for her birthday in 2 weeks and asked me to come up. My ex will most likely be there. I was excited at first but after our last phone call, im not sure I can do it. But at the same time I want to see her, just so I can tell her how amazing she looks. I cant help but feel this friendship thing is one sided, even tho she pushed the issue to speak. I just feel like I giftwrapped this unbelievable girl for antoher guy. I never stopped to think, if things didnt change, she would leave. I just let it happen. WHY, WHY, WHY does this stuff only come to light after the fact??

 

Lish, you really seem to know what you are talking about. If I have any questions, would it be possible to PM you or email? If not, I totally understand. Thank you.

[Lish]

Lish, you really seem to know what you are talking about. If I have any questions, would it be possible to PM you or email? If not, I totally understand. Thank you.

 

I would be willing to advise or answer any questions you have.. I'm not allowed to give out my email due to the rules of this forum... and I'm not an established enough member of this forum yet to have access to PMs

 

Until then, and I'll let you know when that is, I'd be happy to answer anything here.