We broke up :( - update on no sex till marriage

[conehead]

Guys. She did mention that she changed her mind during the relationship, she wasn't holding back ON PURPOSE. People change all the time and that's what's so risky about relationships. They can change their mind about where they want to live, whether or not they want to move in with you, whether or not they even LOVE you. This is the same. Not a good thing, hardly, but just a MISTAKE.

 

Vet, OP said she doesn't engage in any form of sexual intimacy, including those you mentioned. I'm the one doing what you mentioned; my bf and I do everything except vaginal intercourse, and that's what HE wants as well. Why? Because abortions are illegal here, so if I were to get pregnant even with contraception both our lives would be screwed, basically. Abstinence (only from vaginal intercourse, too) sounds far less foolish to us than engaging in vaginal intercourse with such a risk, even if the chance is 0.01%.

 

Elyswth, thanks for the reminder and for pointing out that yes, people do CHANGE during the course of a relationship. There is always that risk. Also, please don't take any offense towards my post above. I felt like I was fooling myself personally, but sex and sexual acts are very personal choices. If someone chooses other sexual acts without sex but is perfectly happy with it, I think that is a great thing! I think it's all about what a person is happy with, and it's most admirable when they can stick to their guns about it and be confident in themselves. I truly admire you for that

[Gemini09]

Jeez, I think some of you need to give her a break. Did it ever occur to someone that maybe some of the reason she didn't tell him in the beginning was, because deep down she feared it would scare him away? Well, maybe that's not the case here, but I'm sure plenty of people are like that.

 

You are preaching to her that she SHOULD have told him right away. Well, you date someone for a couple months, its possible they develop certain feelings for you, which would help them accept your decision not to have sex until marriage.

 

Unfortunately that did not happen here. Well, sorry to hear what happened Conehead, I'm sure there is a guy out there for you somewhere.

[Els]

She said in previous threads that she was dry humping with her boyfriend to orgasm. If that isn't sexual intimacy, I don't know what is.

 

What you're posting is different than what I was referring to (abstaining from sex for personal, social and religious reasons), but I'm curious: are you planning on only having vaginal sex to procreate, even after marriage? Also, where do you live, Ireland?

 

I mean what she WANTS is intimacy without any sexual contact at all. From what I read, at least.

 

No; if our lives and finances are stable enough for us not to be screwed over by the chance of pregnancy, I wouldn't mind having it. I'm not sure about him, though; he still has that traditional Asian mentality that taking a girl's virginity makes one honor-bound to be 'responsible for her', so one should not do it unless marriage is at least visible on the near horizon. So we're probably more on his timeline than mine.

 

I live in a Muslim country in SE Asia.

[conehead]

I'm sorry, I just don't buy this. You were thinking about all this way before you told him. You should have been sharing what was going on in your head (if it was in fact a valid feeling, not just a control thing) way before. .

 

What if I had shared with him, and he gets hurt, and then I had decided in the end that sexual acts were fine? What if I didn't change my mind in the very end? This would have just been unnecessary drama. That is why I waited until I was very very sure before I told him.

[n9688m]

I really didn't know until mid-way into the relationship. I suppose you can say now that I'm in my later 20s, I'm changing as a person and learning who I am and what I want.

 

I certainly respect that.

 

Keep in mind, however, that if you choose to defer sex until marriage, the pool of men willing to consider those terms will be extremely small. And I suspect the overwhelming majority of those mean will have substantial physical or mental health issues underlying their willingness to go along with this. The rest will likely have very strong religiious beliefs - which is just fine as long as that is what you are seeking.

 

Or to put it another way - men in their 20s and over who are physically and mentally healthy want sex as much as they want to breathe. You are going to select a very unusual group of men if you choose to only date men willling to defer sex to marriage.

[Els]

I sort of doubt that if he is a healthy heterosexual male.

 

Well, half of the male population my age in my country must be even less healthy than him, then. Not to mention, all of them must be gay . A lot of couples here do even less sexually-related acts than we do. Please, your post just reeks of ignorance and culture insensitivity. Just because people don't act according to how you do, doesn't make them unhealthy or homosexual. Duh. Frankly, I'll bet that our sex life is a lot more adventurous than yours; EVEN if it doesn't involve vaginal intercourse.

 

What about the pill plus a condom? The odds of pregnancy then would be so low that a full day of sex inside your house would probably be safer thn the risk of walking outside your house and getting hit by a car.

 

Surely there is something else fueling your concern.

 

You don't knowingly put yourself at risk when the payout is so high even if the chances are that low. I don't need to defend myself; we both are happy and compatible in this sense, so why do something risky just to appear 'normal' to people outside our culture when NEITHER of us wants to? That would be the most foolish of all.

[Vet]

I mean what she WANTS is intimacy without any sexual contact at all. From what I read, at least.

 

No; if our lives and finances are stable enough for us not to be screwed over by the chance of pregnancy, I wouldn't mind having it. I'm not sure about him, though; he still has that traditional Asian mentality that taking a girl's virginity makes one honor-bound to be 'responsible for her', so one should not do it unless marriage is at least visible on the near horizon. So we're probably more on his timeline than mine.

 

I live in a Muslim country in SE Asia.

 

So it's less about being pragmatic in preventing pregnancy and more about being founded in religious dogma, at least on his part? This is more what I was talking about: having philosophies on pre-marital sex that have a traditional foundation in really segregating men and women, but have found a place in religious modern societies that's been perverted to basically: "Thou shalt not put thine pee-pee in her hoo-ha". I believe people that do this are fooling themselves.

[Els]

No, the pregnancy is the biggest issue.

 

It's not religion; he's not religious. We're not Muslim; our government is, and that's why abortion is illegal. It's just... how do I put it, culture. Upbringing. The kind of thing that American men claim to like so much about Asia, y'know? Virginity is highly valued (perhaps over-valued) here.

[n9688m]

Well, half of the male population my age in my country must be even less healthy than him, then. Not to mention, all of them must be gay . A lot of couples here do even less sexually-related acts than we do.

 

OK I apologize - I missed the part that this was a cultural/religious decision rather than personal preference.

 

But if was cultural/religious, why do it in the first place?

 

Or to put it another way, do you in fact have an inner conflict between what you want and what your culture is tellling you to want?

[dreamergrl]

What if I had shared with him, and he gets hurt, and then I had decided in the end that sexual acts were fine? What if I didn't change my mind in the very end? This would have just been unnecessary drama. That is why I waited until I was very very sure before I told him.

 

 

Obviously he's still hurt. And now he's still hurt plus he invested months with you.

 

And what you're saying above is like saying, well I wasn't sure if I wanted to wait to have sex, so I'll try sex and see.

 

What was unnecessary drama was waiting to tell him. I think you know this "I just changed my mind" stuff is baloney. You are just now using the "I changed" concept, and I believe because another poster prompted the thought.

 

You had sex with two other men prior to this one. You should have known after those two whether or not you wanted to wait.

 

I don't have an issue with someone wanting to wait. I have an issue with someone using this concept as a toy.

[Vet]

No, the pregnancy is the biggest issue.

 

It's not religion; he's not religious. We're not Muslim; our government is, and that's why abortion is illegal. It's just... how do I put it, culture. Upbringing. The kind of thing that American men claim to like so much about Asia, y'know? Virginity is highly valued (perhaps over-valued) here.

 

Culture and religion are very intertwined, but I got it. I completely understand in terms of Southeast-Asian, Islamic countries, you don't break the law. Illegal is illegal.

[dreamergrl]

OK I apologize - I missed the part that this was a cultural/religious decision rather than personal preference.

 

But if was cultural/religious, why do it in the first place?

 

Or to put it another way, do you in fact have an inner conflict between what you want and what your culture is tellling you to want?

 

And if there is a conflict, why spend months with a guy and drag him through it, without mentioning it to him? Something should have been said way earlier.

[Gemini09]

Conehead, I guess you didn't see what I wrote, considering how quickly this thread is going.

 

Is is possible you waited to tell him because you had some fears that he wouldn't accept it, and not give you a chance in the beginning?

[Els]

OK I apologize - I missed the part that this was a cultural/religious decision rather than personal preference.

 

But if was cultural/religious, why do it in the first place?

 

Or to put it another way, do you in fact have an inner conflict between what you want and what your culture is tellling you to want?

 

I told you; we're just paranoid. We cannot afford any risks like that.

 

The half-the-population part was to explain to you that there ARE people in my country who abstain from other sexual acts as well due to cultural/religious reasons -- and many of them. I'm pretty sure they're not all unhealthy/homosexual.

[dreamergrl]

Conehead, I guess you didn't see what I wrote, considering how quickly this thread is going.

 

Is is possible you waited to tell him because you had some fears that he wouldn't accept it, and not give you a chance in the beginning?

 

Obviously she's going to say yes to this, because it's an easy reason why she didn't tell him. And she uses prompted reasons as the thread moves along.

 

And next you're going to suggest she dry humped and decided that was inappropriate later on because she felt scared as well?

[conehead]

Conehead, I guess you didn't see what I wrote, considering how quickly this thread is going.

 

Is is possible you waited to tell him because you had some fears that he wouldn't accept it, and not give you a chance in the beginning?

 

No, I did not wait to make him get attached to me. I waited to tell him because I really was wrestling with it for 2 months.

[BCCA]

If a girl wanted to wait until marrige to have sex, I would respect that. I would probably leave pretty quickly because thats just not me, but I would respect her.

 

What makes no sense is a girl who has slept with 2 guys before and now wont have sex again until marrige. To me, an american male in his 20's, that makes no sense. I feel like its at least partially some kind of control mechanism or there is something else going on in your mind. Its not just about sex anymore, there has to be more to it.

 

And I really think you didnt tell him on purpose because you knew he would leave.

[dreamergrl]

No, I did not wait to make him get attached to me. I waited to tell him because I really was wrestling with it for 2 months.

 

I stand corrected. However, why did you not share this with him during those two months? Why did you give him sexual acts, and then take them away? You don't seem to have an answer to this. You avoid most posts that are supporting your 'situation'.

 

You've had sex with two other men previously. You should have come to this choice long before waiting two months....

 

I think you hurt this guy worse by waiting to tell him. He could have moved on a long time ago to find someone who wasn't giving then taking away.

[Trialbyfire]

If a girl wanted to wait until marrige to have sex, I would respect that. I would probably leave pretty quickly because thats just not me, but I would respect her.

 

What makes no sense is a girl who has slept with 2 guys before and now wont have sex again until marrige. To me, an american male in his 20's, that makes no sense. I feel like its at least partially some kind of control mechanism or there is something else going on in your mind. Its not just about sex anymore, there has to be more to it.

 

And I really think you didnt tell him on purpose because you knew he would leave.

She's admitted why she chose a different path with this guy.

 

As for everyone else, why hammer her about this? While I don't disagree with some of your points, it's too late now. It's done and she's living the consequences for withdrawing.

[BCCA]

She's admitted why she chose a different path with this guy.

 

As for everyone else, why hammer her about this? While I don't disagree with some of your points, it's too late now. It's done and she's living the consequences for withdrawing.

 

I personally dont think shes being honest with herself or in her posts. But point taken - its done and over with now.

[Gemini09]

I think its clear she was just very confused about everything. I don't think she purposely hurt the guy by not telling him in the beginning.

[Els]

Elyswth, thanks for the reminder and for pointing out that yes, people do CHANGE during the course of a relationship. There is always that risk. Also, please don't take any offense towards my post above. I felt like I was fooling myself personally, but sex and sexual acts are very personal choices. If someone chooses other sexual acts without sex but is perfectly happy with it, I think that is a great thing! I think it's all about what a person is happy with, and it's most admirable when they can stick to their guns about it and be confident in themselves. I truly admire you for that

 

No offense taken, of course. We all have our own views on such matters -- what's important is that we find someone who's compatible with them. And I'm sure you will!

 

I must admit I had it easier than you, though. In my country, it's kinda rare for a guy to demand sex before marriage, especially guys of my age. So I've never needed to stick to my guns yet; I was the one who offered sexual contact in all of my relationships.

[conehead]

I stand corrected. However, why did you not share this with him during those two months? Why did you give him sexual acts, and then take them away? You don't seem to have an answer to this. You avoid most posts that are supporting your 'situation'.

 

You've had sex with two other men previously. You should have come to this choice long before waiting two months....

 

I think you hurt this guy worse by waiting to tell him. He could have moved on a long time ago to find someone who wasn't giving then taking away.

 

I've already gone through this in previous threads before and don't want to rehash it. Please read previous posts in previous threads for my replies. Right now, I'm just trying to get over this breakup. Part of me hates him, and part of me misses him. And part of me is wondering what he's feeling and whether he truly could have stopped loving me in just a matter of a month.

[Els]

Honey, I'm sorry to say, but if one partner changes greatly (your views on sexual intimacy was probably a big change to him, since he didn't know about it when you were considering it), it IS possible for the other person to stop loving her since this new person isn't the girl whom he fell in love with in the first place. So incompatibility that wasn't there previously, arises. Sad, but unfortunately quite true.

[CaliGuy]

I guess lesson learned...in the future make your no sex policy known...u can't give intimacy and then take it away just like that...after all it is a very important component in a relationship...I hope you heal soon and well...I just have to say I saw this coming...no surprise there

 

Correct me if I am wrong but I think she said no intercourse. They've pretty much done everything else.

 

I agree that boundary should always be clear in the beginning. Some women are too worried about losing a guy so they cave in. Personally, if the guy won't wait he is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.