conehead Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198151/ This is an update on the thread above. Me and my bf were having issues for the past few weeks, which was alot due to the fact that I wanted to stop the sexual acts (but we never had sex) we were doing and wait until marriage for it. We said we'd discuss it over this weekend. So finally the day came and Friday evening I flew in to his city to meet up with him in person (we have an LDR). That Friday night, we watched TV for a bit and then went to bed. In bed, he put his arm around me and then kissed me once very quickly. That was it. So I tried to kiss him a few times but he did not reciprocate. I didn't want sex, but I had told him before that I hope we can be fine with just cuddling and making out. He didn't seem too keen on making out, so we spend the night cuddling...but I felt something was off with him. Next morning, we had breakfast. I felt something was definitely wrong. He held my hand as we walked, but did it in a rough and not affectionate matter. Went back to his place, he seemed cold, was just laying in bed, staring into space. I asked him what he's thinking, he didnt' say anything, so I asked him again. He said he's thinking about us. I asked 'what about us?' He asked me 'well what do u think about us' and I said "i asked you first' and told him just to tell me. He said the dreadful words 'I feel like we haven't grown much the past few months." It was like a stab to the heart. I didn't say anything for like 2 minutes. He then asked me what I was thinking. I said 'there's nothing to say to that.' I remained silent for a bit longer. He asked me again what I'm thinking. I said 'there's nothing to say, that's just it." He said 'what do you mean that's it.' I said 'that's it!'. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then i picked up his laptop and rescheduled my flight to go home that very hour. He told me 'im sorry conehead.' My change in flight had a fare increase of $75, and he paid for it. Then he took me to the airport, asked me if i was ok which i said yes i am, then he hugged me and told me to take care. I felt ok the whole time and walked through security, then I called my mom to tell her. The moment I told my mom we broke up, I just broke down in tears. I spent the whole saturaday crying off and on. Eventhough I knew the consequences of my decision to wait until marriage for sex, and I saw this break up coming, it is still harder than I could have imagined.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Well, personally, I find it very admirable that you weren't interested in sex til marriage. Too many girls sleep around, you know what I mean? At least you've got your dignity, self respect, etc. Which believe me, over the course of time, it's worth a hell of a lot more than someone by your side.
Els Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Hey, I'm sorry it went that way. {hugs} Don't blame yourself for this; and don't EVER let anyone tell you you're wrong for making your decision. He and you just weren't compatible, that's all. A dose of bad luck; we've all had partners we're incompatible with. You may not want to know or think about this at the moment, but contrary to what people say there really are quite a good number of men who don't mind not having sex until marriage, and I'm sure you'll be able to find one someday. They may not be found in the coolest hangouts and the hottest bars, but that doesn't mean they're not there. Trust me; I've had three like that. Keep your head up and stay strong!
loveslife Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 You did the right thing. It's too big a deal to you to compromise. In the longrun you will be very happy by your decision. And it's true that there are plenty of men out there who will respect you for this choice.
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Well, personally, I find it very admirable that you weren't interested in sex til marriage. Too many girls sleep around, you know what I mean? At least you've got your dignity, self respect, etc. Which believe me, over the course of time, it's worth a hell of a lot more than someone by your side. Thx thomas. When I read your words, it really helped me to keep reminding myself those things. At the end of the day, I tell myself that at least I kept to my word of no sexual acts until marriage, and I do feel better about myself for it. And I do believe that while the breakup is painful now, I know that in the long run I'll be glad we split. This has been the case for all my past breakups. I've never think 'what if' anymore for any of em lol. Hey, I'm sorry it went that way. {hugs} Don't blame yourself for this; and don't EVER let anyone tell you you're wrong for making your decision. He and you just weren't compatible, that's all. A dose of bad luck; we've all had partners we're incompatible with. You may not want to know or think about this at the moment, but contrary to what people say there really are quite a good number of men who don't mind not having sex until marriage, and I'm sure you'll be able to find one someday. They may not be found in the coolest hangouts and the hottest bars, but that doesn't mean they're not there. Trust me; I've had three like that. Keep your head up and stay strong! Elyswth, you've been so helpful throughout in helping me stay strong to abiding by my own belief. I greatly appreciate that. I'm hurting right now. And I can't help but wonder what my bf is thinking. I'm thinking at times 'if he really loved me, he'd wait'...and I wonder if perhaps he's thinking 'if she really loved me, she'd trust me and want to connect with me physically.' He won't from being the most affectionate bf for the entire 9 months except for the very last month of it. He was also already in love with me 5 months prior to our official relationsihp. I wonder if he can really go from loving me for more than a year to just this in 1 month. I know it doesnt matter in the scheme of the things, but I guess I still think of it at times. You did the right thing. It's too big a deal to you to compromise. In the longrun you will be very happy by your decision. And it's true that there are plenty of men out there who will respect you for this choice. Thank you loveslife. What keeps me staying strong is that I tell myself that I will be happier in the long run if I find someone who shares the same beliefs as me.
Devil Inside Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Sorry. It hurts to break up with someone we love. I admire your courage and they way you stuck to your guns...it shows great integrity and the mark of a strong character. You will find the right guy. One that will wait for what you have to offer after marriage.
Enema Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hopefully you bring up the no-sex earlier next time, won't be quite as painful when they leave you. good luck!
D-Lish Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I'm not surprised this happened. Maybe you should be more open IN THE BEGINNING about your sexual hang ups.
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 That is true. I told my a friend that it was unfortunate that I went through this transitional period of seeing sex in a new light while I was already in a relationship with my current bf, which made things really messy. But next time, I can communicate this from the very beginning.
Els Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Yeah, things don't always happen in a perfect manner. We'd love them to, but sometimes they don't. Just chalk it up to a learning experience, and try again. There's a higher chance of finding such men in a religious setting, if you don't mind trying.
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I don't really blame him. You could have told him so much sooner. He probably doesn't understand why certain sexual acts where once permitted, and now are a no no. OP, I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out what it is exactly that you want. I don't think it's just that you want to wait until marriage. If you were definite in that, you would not have waited two months to tell him.
CaliGuy Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Eventhough I knew the consequences of my decision to wait until marriage for sex, and I saw this break up coming, it is still harder than I could have imagined. I think you made the right decision. I congratulate you. While I am really sorry for your problems, I wanted to point something out. If you withold sex from a man, even for a short amount of time, you can easily find out if he really loves you or not. Seriously, I've said it a million times. "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?!" Granted being LDR can put a strain on things, but I really think if people abstained more when dating you could really see each other for something else besides T&A and get to know each other a lot better. Just a thought. I know it's not a popular opinion but...whatever. It's just how I feel about this.
GrayClouds Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I'm not surprised this happened. Maybe you should be more open IN THE BEGINNING about your sexual hang ups. Why is it a "hang-up"? She could be the freakiest, horniest, lover in the world but with a strong sense of her boundaries she wants to make her sexuality rewarding, intimate and fulfilling. Maybe that intimidates you because you dont have that level of inter-personal strength? Fact is, in my experience, it is those who are overly sexual who have the bigger issues. They use sex to feel love, rather then being loved, to feel confident, rather then being confident, to feel in control rather then being in control, or simply another chemical rush.
MSUE Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I guess lesson learned...in the future make your no sex policy known...u can't give intimacy and then take it away just like that...after all it is a very important component in a relationship...I hope you heal soon and well...I just have to say I saw this coming...no surprise there
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Why is it a "hang-up"? She could be the freakiest, horniest, lover in the world but with a strong sense of her boundaries she wants to make her sexuality rewarding, intimate and fulfilling. Maybe that intimidates you because you dont have that level of inter-personal strength? Fact is, in my experience, it is those who are overly sexual who have the bigger issues. They use sex to feel love, rather then being loved, to feel confident, rather then being confident, to feel in control rather then being in control, or simply another chemical rush. Hang-up may be the wrong word, and while I agree with your post, the philosophy of waiting until marriage to have sex is aberrant in Western society. She should know that most people find abstinence from sex a deal breaker in a relationship, and should be very forward with it from the beginning with new partners in the future. But let's be honest with ourselves: people that want to abstain from vaginal intercourse, but engage in other very intimate activities like outercourse, anal sex, and oral sex are fooling themselves.
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Why is it a "hang-up"? She could be the freakiest, horniest, lover in the world but with a strong sense of her boundaries she wants to make her sexuality rewarding, intimate and fulfilling. Maybe that intimidates you because you dont have that level of inter-personal strength? Fact is, in my experience, it is those who are overly sexual who have the bigger issues. They use sex to feel love, rather then being loved, to feel confident, rather then being confident, to feel in control rather then being in control, or simply another chemical rush. It is one thing to want to wait until marriage, and let it be known right away. It is another thing (if you followed all of her posts) to wait months to tell her SO, while preforming certain sexual acts, and then taking those away from her SO. If you don't know what you want - don't get involved in a serious relationship.
Els Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Guys. She did mention that she changed her mind during the relationship, she wasn't holding back ON PURPOSE. People change all the time and that's what's so risky about relationships. They can change their mind about where they want to live, whether or not they want to move in with you, whether or not they even LOVE you. This is the same. Not a good thing, hardly, but just a MISTAKE. Vet, OP said she doesn't engage in any form of sexual intimacy, including those you mentioned. I'm the one doing what you mentioned; my bf and I do everything except vaginal intercourse, and that's what HE wants as well. Why? Because abortions are illegal here, so if I were to get pregnant even with contraception both our lives would be screwed, basically. Abstinence (only from vaginal intercourse, too) sounds far less foolish to us than engaging in vaginal intercourse with such a risk, even if the chance is 0.01%.
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Guys. She did mention that she changed her mind during the relationship, she wasn't holding back ON PURPOSE. People change all the time and that's what's so risky about relationships. They can change their mind about where they want to live, whether or not they want to move in with you, whether or not they even LOVE you. This is the same. Not a good thing, hardly, but just a MISTAKE. Vet, OP said she doesn't engage in any form of sexual intimacy, including those you mentioned. I'm the one doing what you mentioned; my bf and I do everything except vaginal intercourse, and that's what HE wants as well. Why? Because abortions are illegal here, so if I were to get pregnant even with contraception both our lives would be screwed, basically. Abstinence (only from vaginal intercourse, too) sounds far less foolish to us than engaging in vaginal intercourse with such a risk, even if the chance is 0.01%. Her other posts was "I finally told my bf after two months...."
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 I guess lesson learned...in the future make your no sex policy known...u can't give intimacy and then take it away just like that...after all it is a very important component in a relationship...I hope you heal soon and well...I just have to say I saw this coming...no surprise there Yes, I should have let him known earlier...and I would have, if I knew it myself. I really didn't know until mid-way into the relationship. I suppose you can say now that I'm in my later 20s, I'm changing as a person and learning who I am and what I want. That's why I've always imagined myself not getting married until I'm at least in my late 20s....because I believe alot of women go through a phase in how they see things at that age.
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 It is one thing to want to wait until marriage, and let it be known right away. It is another thing (if you followed all of her posts) to wait months to tell her SO, while preforming certain sexual acts, and then taking those away from her SO. If you don't know what you want - don't get involved in a serious relationship. Read my previous posts. No one is perfect, including me. And alot of times, people don't know what they want until they experience serious relationships...it's live and learn. And sometimes trial and error.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Vet, OP said she doesn't engage in any form of sexual intimacy, including those you mentioned. I'm the one doing what you mentioned; my bf and I do everything except vaginal intercourse, and that's what HE wants as well. Why? Because abortions are illegal here, so if I were to get pregnant even with contraception both our lives would be screwed, basically. Abstinence (only from vaginal intercourse, too) sounds far less foolish to us than engaging in vaginal intercourse with such a risk, even if the chance is 0.01%. She said in previous threads that she was dry humping with her boyfriend to orgasm. If that isn't sexual intimacy, I don't know what is. What you're posting is different than what I was referring to (abstaining from sex for personal, social and religious reasons), but I'm curious: are you planning on only having vaginal sex to procreate, even after marriage? Also, where do you live, Ireland?
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 But let's be honest with ourselves: people that want to abstain from vaginal intercourse, but engage in other very intimate activities like outercourse, anal sex, and oral sex are fooling themselves. That's exactly right! I feel the whole time while telling him no sex before marriage but still engaging in other sexual acts with him that I was actually fooling myself...I did those things in hopes of pleasing him but inside it bothered me so much. I WAS fooling myself, and so glad I woke up and realized it now .
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Yes, I should have let him known earlier...and I would have, if I knew it myself. I really didn't know until mid-way into the relationship. I suppose you can say now that I'm in my later 20s, I'm changing as a person and learning who I am and what I want. That's why I've always imagined myself not getting married until I'm at least in my late 20s....because I believe alot of women go through a phase in how they see things at that age. I'm sorry, I just don't buy this. You were thinking about all this way before you told him. You should have been sharing what was going on in your head (if it was in fact a valid feeling, not just a control thing) way before. Plus you wouldn't allow anymore sexual acts that you have already performed together. I truly hope you DO NOT get involved with a guy again until you figure out what it is you want. Because it is not fair to the guy for you to spring this on him well into the relationship.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 That's exactly right! I feel the whole time while telling him no sex before marriage but still engaging in other sexual acts with him that I was actually fooling myself...I did those things in hopes of pleasing him but inside it bothered me so much. I WAS fooling myself, and so glad I woke up and realized it now . Good, I hope that you look back on this relationship as a learning experience in being very upfront with your sexual proclivities (or lack thereof).
n9688m Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 my bf and I do everything except vaginal intercourse, and that's what HE wants as well. I sort of doubt that if he is a healthy heterosexual male. Why? Because abortions are illegal here, so if I were to get pregnant even with contraception both our lives would be screwed, basically. Abstinence (only from vaginal intercourse, too) sounds far less foolish to us than engaging in vaginal intercourse with such a risk, even if the chance is 0.01%. What about the pill plus a condom? The odds of pregnancy then would be so low that a full day of sex inside your house would probably be safer thn the risk of walking outside your house and getting hit by a car. Surely there is something else fueling your concern.
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