Thackery Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Hello, Of course, my request is not limited to this group, but they may have a better take on my situation. . . .Bottom line, is that I would like advice/direction from anyone that feels that they can help!! So, THANKS in advance! My situation, in a nutshell. I am 40 and divorced, no kids, have my own business and doing ok for myself. Girlfriend is 38, divorced and 2 kids (5 and 8). We have been dating exclusively for 2 years. I helped her quite a bit after her very messy divorce and now things have been going well. She has just bought a new house and has had a great professional job for over a year now. . .She has come out the other side very well! We have had plenty of discussions regarding our future together. Recently though, she said that she thinks that I want to get married sooner than she does. This surprised me, as I have NEVER mentioned actually "getting married". Naturally things come up jokingly about "down the road" things, but never anything serious from my end. Now, I HAVE planned on spending my life with her, but a person needs time after a divorce, which is why I never pushed it. However, at 40, my bio clock is ticking major and I have expressed to her that I would like to have my own child. She said that she would love to be a part of this. . . I don't dwell on it, but we both know it is important. Our relationship is great. . .We get along incredibly well, her kids and I completely connect, and we do a lot for each other. . .Just in the back of my mind, I feel this urge to try to "rush" things, as I am not getting any younger and I am running out of time for kids. . . I found myself getting a little "close" recently (not clingy, but somewhere in between)and fortunately caught myself and backed off--I think that in my head I may be trying to rush things to get to the means. I know that this is not the thing to do, but having trouble harnessing it. My question after this long post: Do I set her down and find out exactly where she stands on everything? Do I read that she has already said that she wants to spend her life with me and have a child, and let things play out in their own time? Or is there another option that I am not seeing? Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any and all advice. Respectfully, Thackery.
loveslife Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I couldn't say for sure not knowing her but it sounds like she is stalling. She might very well not want more kids, or not want to have them with you, but also doesn't want to lose you. I would think after two years that she would know. And might be sympathetic to your wish to not lose your chance to have a biological child. She might be very happy and contented having her own home, a great career, her kids and a nice man to date. You helped her get back on her feet, which could mean she thinks of you almost more as a friend? She might also feel obligated or guilty. I'd think if she was in love with you that she would want to move forward. That if she was in love it wouldn't be a disruption as much as a fulfillment. You're posting here because you don't feel good about the situation. That has to mean something. Maybe it's time to move on and find someone with the same goals as you?
butcher's hook Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Two years is a long time. Sure people need time to get over a divorce but if you are in a relationship for 2 yrs you've had more than enough time to be on track and over your past. She may not be up for marriage but that doesn't mean she is not up for having a child with you. Would you consider having a child withough getting married? That seems like the best option or at least that is what I would do in her shoes, things are pefect why ruin it with marriage? Your need to have a child is just as valid as her need to not marry yet, but that does not mean you cannot meet half way and proceed with having a child. She is 38 her window is pretty small, and yours is not getting any bigger either. I would sit her down and express to her your plans and see if she is on board. If she is not then I think you should reconsider your life goals at this point, is having someone you love by your side and a great companion less important than having a child at this point or vice versa. The flip side is you may move on and find another woman to have a child with but not have the connection you have with this woman. Don't kid yourself into thinking it is too soon to be discussing things, it's not too soon.
quankanne Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 methinks this is a sort of fishing expedition to find out where y'all are at as a couple. She's not getting any younger, her eggs aren't getting any fresher and you've been together 2 whole years. talk to her. Find out where you see yourselves one year, five years, 10 years down the road. Decide what you want to do/how to handle things during those time periods and work towards that. on a personal note, I was pretty much just going with the flow with Mr. Quank while we were dating. I considered myself a kinda-sorta girlfriend but nothing more, because he was dead-set against marriage. Somewhere along the line, his feelings about that changed, because when the question came up about us (he'd just renewed an overseas contract), he told me he still wanted to marry me. WTH?!! Marriage between the two of us NEVER came up before, I saw it more or less as a friends with benefits deal because he had such a bad previous experience. If we had been smart about it, we'd have done a better job at communicating, you know? don't be as dumb as us, but talk things over with your girl.
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