Thornton Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I was looking through my friends' Facebook updates and profiles today, and I noticed that my ex no longer appears in my friend list. Only 3 weeks ago he emailed me to say hello and tell me about a tv series he thought I'd like, and I emailed back with my news and told him thanks for letting me know about the tv series. Now suddenly I'm defriended and I don't know why. The other weird thing is that his Facebook profile seems to have completely vanished. His name no longer appears in a Facebook search, and I looked at his sister's profile and he no longer appears as one of her friends. So I'm wondering if perhaps he's completely blocked me from seeing him somehow (I don't know if that's even possible?) or whether he's quit Facebook or something (which I can't imagine him doing). It's over a year since we broke up, there was no chance of us getting back together because he's not the kind of guy I could rely on, and I have a new bf, so I don't know why I feel so upset about this. I have exes from several years ago who are still Facebook friends, we're on good terms and we still occasionally say hi, so if my other exes can remain friends then why can't this guy? Although we didn't manage to make a relationship work, I still liked him as a person, and I thought the feeling was mutual. I guess I thought we were still friends, and if he's deleted me that means he doesn't even want to be my friend any more - I feel rejected
Author Thornton Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Update: My friend dropped by, and as an experiment she logged into Facebook and looked up my ex. She couldn't find his profile either, and she looked up his sister's friend list and he didn't appear to be on it. I doubt if he could have blocked my friend since he doesn't even know her, so I guess he has completely vanished from Facebook for some reason.
green apples Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Some people decide to deactivate their facebook accounts. Maybe he did. And it wasn't deliberate that he defriended you but more of you were "defriended" by default because he deactivated his account.
mammax3 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 People can block others from finding them on facebook. My ex did that. Only people that he's friends with can see his profile, and see him posting on mutual friends profiles. A friend of mine that he's friends with can see him, but i can't see when he posts on her wall, nor can ANYONE find him in the search function.
Author Thornton Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 I would have thought that even if he hid himself in the search function etc, he would still appear in his sister's friend list - unless there's a way to completely block yourself from being visible, except from friends. I'm just struggling to understand why he would do this without even telling me. We were on good terms, both he and I have dated other people since we split, and he's bound to bump into me at some point because we go to the same work conferences (hence why I thought it was best to remain civil). I guess it's less about him defriending me and more about why I feel this way. I have a new bf, the relationship has been over for a year, I could never trust him again so we'll never get back together - so why do I feel so bad about this? I guess I just feel rejected - I thought we were friends
boogieboy Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Does it matter? Youre not ever going to date him again, youre not really friends, youre aquaintances. So you dont have access to him, you'll live right?
001bh Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 rejection is a bitch isn't it? I'm contemplating pulling out of facebook, blocking skype, and deleting phone number of my ex. I month ago I wouldn't of thought this but the more I think about all the negative treatment I was getting in the last 6 months, and her calling all the shots, I'm starting to feel different. Sometimes people can't deal with the constant ease of access.
Lucky555 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 sounds like he may have deleted you and "disappeared". I doubt if he deactivated the account. Facebook has privacy settings which allow only the friends you have on your account to see you. It is almost as if he disappeared with the setting. I like this about facebook. He can post to peoples walls and you or anyone else that is not his friend can not see it. Only the people who are friends on his account can. You will not find him if you search if he has put "no one can search for me" action on facebook.
runner Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 sounds like he put himself on invisible mode by tweaking the security settings on there; and if you can't see him on your friends list, he might've put you on some 'acquaintance' friend list.
loveslife Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Why don't you ask him? Say you were looking to send him a FB message and he wasn't there anymore.
runner Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Why don't you ask him? Say you were looking to send him a FB message and he wasn't there anymore. now there's an idea really--one day i accidentally mucked up my settings and didn't realise that no one could post to my wall. i wouldn't have known if a friend didn't buzz me about it.
CaliGuy Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Honestly, consider it a favor. I block people that I don't want to see my profile. It's nothing really personal, just some aspects of my life I don't want open to the entire world. My profile is private too so even if they aren't blocked, they still can't get to my info.
BobSacamento Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Well when you get a new GF you don't want her finding out that you still communicate with your EX. I'd say he's moved on and has blocked you for that reason. I've been defriended on FB. I could totally understand why but a nice "DROP DEAD!" message would have been nice.
Author Thornton Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 The confusing thing is, I've had a new bf for almost a year and he's had two gfs in that time. So it's not like he would mind speaking to me when he has a new gf, because he already had two gfs since we split up. In fact he didn't even add me as a Facebook friend until after we split up, because I wasn't on Facebook before that - I was already his ex when he added me. I think it's unlikely that he deleted his Facebook profile; it's more likely that he defriended me (and maybe others) and then tweaked whatever so nobody can see him unless he adds them as friends. It's confusing because maybe 3 weeks ago I got a chatty friendly email from him, everything seemed fine, and now he's done this without so much as a word. I guess I just feel rejected because I thought we were friends. I also feel really bad about myself, because despite the fact that our relationship didn't work out I thought he was still a nice enough guy... and now I'm beginning to feel like my radar was completely wrong and he's actually a complete knob, so I feel like an idiot who was used and taken in by this guy who clearly doesn't give a damn. Do you see what I mean? As long as we were friends I could say "ok, things didn't work out between us, but he's still an ok guy and we're friends", but when he's ditched me completely I have to face the fact that he's not an ok guy; I made a huge mistake and he used me, and he's obviously not the nice guy that I was convinced he was. It's like the difference between "I was right about him; he's a nice guy and things just didn't work out between us", and "I was wrong about him; he's a complete knob and I'm an idiot for being taken in by him". I just feel really bad about myself right now. I spent the last 18 months since we split up telling myself I'm not an idiot, I wasn't taken in by him, he's an ok guy and things just didn't work out. Now I'm having to face the reality that he's a liar and a bad person who never cared about me despite the lies he told me, and the fact that I was intimate with such a person makes me feel physically sick Perhaps a dose of reality will do me good, since I've still been harbouring (obviously misplaced) feelings for this guy. I can't believe I was taken in so completely - I must be the stupidest person in the world
boogieboy Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Did he break up with you? Is that why you were harboring feelings? Because after a breakup neither of you owe anything to each other. Did he say he wanted to be friends and that was a lie? is that what you meant by "taken in"?
Author Thornton Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Yeah, he broke up with me but he said he hoped we could still be friends because he genuinely liked me as a person; he said it was just inconvenient for us to have a relationship right now because he decided he didn't want to be in an LDR any more. I should add that he was cheating and I caught him out. He had lied to me, then dragged me thousands of miles to see him at huge expense to both of us, despite the fact that he was cheating and presumably already planned to dump me. He spent the entire weekend with me as a couple, sleeping together and going out for dinner etc; he told me he would see me in September, then he put me on the plane and never spoke to me again. He actually dumped me via ignoring my emails and phonecalls, then after a couple of months he apologised via email, then added me as a friend on Facebook and emailed me occasionally. I was really hurt because I honestly thought he loved me, but I guess I accepted his excuse that it wasn't me, it was the distance that was at fault, because I wanted to believe that. He gave me the whole spiel - he genuinely liked me, things could have been great between us, but he couldn't handle an LDR, he apologised for how he had behaved, he felt nothing but love for me and he hoped we could still be friends, blah blah blah. I was absolutely devastated by the whole thing, very distressed by being ignored and then dumped, so I guess I clung to his apology and friendship so I could rationalise the whole thing in my mind and feel better. I guess I just wanted to believe his story because the alternative was too painful to come to terms with. I wanted to believe that I was right in thinking he was a genuinely nice guy who cared about me, but he was terribly stressed with work and feeling guilty about the whole situation, which led him to avoid me - and it wasn't my fault because he just couldn't handle an LDR, and he still cared about me and wanted to be my friend, so he apologised and we made up as friends. I've been telling myself that for 18 months. The alternative is that he cheated and lied and used me, dragged me thousands of miles for his own gratification, and threw me away in the cruelest way possible once he was finished using me - the alternative is that I simply wasn't good enough for him to want me, I was completely fooled and I'm an idiot for being taken in by him, for allowing him to use me like that - the alternative makes me feel bad and dirty and stupid and broken-hearted. While we maintained a friendship I was able to continue fooling myself that he was a nice guy who just couldn't handle an LDR, but now he's dumped me again he's indicated that I'm completely worthless to him; I'm facing the truth about him and I just feel completely empty and broken and sick to my stomach
boogieboy Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Ouch! I never saw your story. YOure facing the truth now, I see. Once that sinks in, yeah, im sure you wont want to be friends with him anyway. Reading your story, well..... Im sure youve been told what people think about him already.
Girlygirl1977 Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 There are a lot of unresolved feelings I see here. I know you have posted before about still having feelings for this ex. Are you fully happy in your new relationship and do you see this current bf as someone you would be with long term? I worry maybe the resolve in the current relationship is not there. This is just an observation from some various posts I have seen from you.
BCCA Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I might sound sexist with this remark, but in all honesty, guys only want to be friends with an ex for one of two reasons: 1. Sex 2. Get back together If neither of those are possible, its pointless. I honestly think he did you a favor, you were never really going to be 'friends' in the true sense of the word. You would be half-assed buddies that got along, but had some unpleasantries in the past. The chances of the two of you sitting in the same room and having a good time were not very good. I can admit Ive done the same thing before. Looked up an ex gf, saw she had a bf, but had to add her to see her details...once I saw 'in a relationship', unfriended. Like I said, if neither of the two reasons I listed were possible, its pointless. Guys really arent into keeping in touch, or just seeing how you are doing. Its not that we dont care, but ties like that mean very little to us. I can honestly say I dont forsee ever being friends with an ex.
fawn Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 people who can be friends with an ex have let go and dont have any romantic feelings anylonger, if there are still any feelings its not possible you will always question yourself and have thoughts
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