Recently been broken up with.

[tman112]

Hello there, i'm new to the forum have been reading some great advice that has been given some which i can apply to my current situation, i thought maybe i would share it and maybe i can be helped even more. here we go.

 

We have been together just over a year now, quite a close couple, would see each other almost every day after studys and every single weekend. We were obsessed with each other. Before i left for my holiday everything seemed to be fine, no signs what so ever of anything negitive happening. Until it happend. Its coming up to a month ago now when she fiannly did the dumping. It all began when, I embarked on an overseas trip for 7 weeks, comunication remained strong for the first while but slowly bagan to die as time passed, my emails remained constant but hers slowly became less and less, until they finally stopped all together. The night before i was to return home (after a week and a half of absolutly no communication) i called her she would not answer the calls hanging up the phone instatly. Naturally this upset me. I wrote her a final email, expressing my feelings towards her and how upset i now was. Told her how much i missed her and had been the whole time i was away. I returned home to sadly not be greated by her at the airport as she had previousely promised before i travled overseas. the next day she came around and after a 4 hour conversation/argument she had broken up with me. Since then she remained txting me every single day insisting we remain friends. since the break up she comtinued txting for about a week. i responded the first few days, as she only asked how are you? are you okay? things like that. i wasnt,..... i stopped communicating with her for a short while after maybe 5 days while she ramined txting me and calling me i ignored these.That day i saw her making out with another guy. Ive witnessed this since then on about 4 occasions. constatnly see them together. (When ever i see her i see him.) I struggle with this hugely..

I wrote her a letter expressing how i felt for her, my love for her. And how i could not be her friend due to the way i felt for her.How i had no choice but to leave her life. She accepted my letter, and the only response was a txt the next day saying it was amazing. I then contnued to ignor phone calls, half a dozen or so in this time period. emails about 3 and txts about 4 or 5. i keept this up for two weeks. I finally responded to her last week when she begged me to reply to her. I asked her if we could meet and we planed a time. We went for a walk and i told her how much i still cared about her,ect ect. and asked her if she wanted to go on a date, to try and start somthing new. she agreed and later changed her mind declining, while still on the walk. I contued to pour my heart out and she eventually ended up hugging me and then attempting to kiss me. this situation ocured about 4 times on the walk. It eneded with her having to consider the offer of a date. she said she could still see us together but just didnt know. The next day she contacted me and agreed that she would go, but said i am not promising you anything because i just dont know. That was a few days ago now. and i havnt herd from her since. Iv sent her a few meseges saying good luck with sports have a good day ect, but no reply.

Today i was contacted by her mother who livs with her, who says "she is still insisting that all she wants is to be friends nothing more but you wont do that" I told her mother the situation with the date and she said she didnt understand what was going on but was telling me what she has been told. I saw her again with this new guy this afternoon.A highly upsetting sight.

 

Sorry its such a long post but this is my situation, confusing as it may seem maybe it isnt so? I am unsure, confused by it and just need some help and advice. I still love and care about her enormasly. And would move the moon for her. My mindset is still on getting her back, but i just dont see how its possible i havent herd from her since her confirmation which seemed reluctant. And even that seems that she still is only doing it as a friend.

 

Any help/advice. anything much apreciated.

[boogieboy]

Ok Tman, first read this so you realize why what youre doing wont work.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3

 

You most likely wont get her back. Not sure what went wrong, but once a woman loses her love for you it generally doesnt come back. Especially if she is already dating again.

 

Best thing you can do is to go back to ignoring her, and dont let her keep tabs on you. Its going to hurt for a while, but dont let her texts bait you into talking to her., She wants to keep tabs on you to make sure you havent moved on. Thats why she wants to be friends, nothing else. Thats why her texts are meaningless.

 

She might miss talking to you a little bit, but she had 7 weeks to decide that you werent right for her anymore. Also she knows that the more you hang out with her and beg for her back, the faster she will get over you. So stop talking to her now. Ignore everything she has to say, and assume its over until she makes a true effort to reconcile. And count on her not doing so. Count on never seeing her again.

 

She will keep trying, and make any excuse she can for you to answer her, she just wants validation. Dont fall for it. She will keep saying things to keep you hanging on, even though she knows she will never want to try with you again. I hate it when people do this. It happens so often and its pathetic.

[EricaH329]

I feel your pain, I really do. I know how much you want to try and make things work, how much you want to be with her again. But, what you are failing to realize, is that you did everything you could to try and make it work. You agreed to go for a walk with her, and while doing so, you told her how you felt, and how you wanted to try and make things work and start over. You did everything you could. Any more effort on your part, and you will just be pushing her further away.

 

If I were you, I would start the moving on process. It should be able to help you sleep better at night knowing that you did everything you could. As much as we all wish things would go the way we want them to, they rarely do. So, I suggest NC until you are completely over her. Explain to her that the whole friends thing is just going to drag you along, making it harder and much more complicated.

[tman112]

most of our previous conversations have either ended with her or i in tears. The way she is communicating does seem like what you have talked about above just trying to get confirmation, i went through a good stage about a week ago when i hadn't responded to her in awhile, id been hanging out with my best friend (A female.) and she had seen us (her car parked outside my house. The fact me and my ex live three houses apart makes it difficult to not see what each other is up to.) quite a lot it seemed to spark up some jealousy with my ex. She asked weather id moved on, and i replied yes, she got mad/upset with this. What would the reason for that be? she continued the conversation to say that if i cared for her the way i revealed to her in the letter why would i be able to move on so quickly, she then keept trying to make me slip up asking if i missed all the old times and a series of other questions. Determined to try and keep a strong apperence as id been told to do i answered casually, but with each answer came a more emotional qustion from her. The more i thouhgt about the conversation the more i convinced myself that i was most certinly not over her and i did want the things back she had been asking/describing. Not that she was offering them back of course but yeah.

Dose this make any sense? Why would she react in this way when she is off with another guy almost every day. (The fact we live 3 houses distance dosent seem such a positive thing anymore , i have to see her even when im trying not to.)

 

As i said i have a good relatuonship with my exs mother, we got along very well throughout the relationship and since the break up she has been in touch with me by phone and in person a few times cheking up on me. She says that my ex is still talking about me and still has all the pictures of me and her covering her room, she still wears clothing i brought for her and still wears the necklace i got her for her birthday. I see this as strange, its almost as if she isnt ready to let go of what she and i had yet eaither? like she is holding onto something? what dose anyone think.

 

The no contact plan seems the best it can aid in healing me, but it means i can no longer do anything or have any hope of a relationship with this girl again. (Correct?)

 

And as id said she did agree to try going out on this date. (although she didnt promise it would mean we would end up together.)

 

It feels good to speak what im thinking and i apreciate peoples time to read and respond. It really dose mean a lot that there are people out there willing to help when things seem the most bleak.

[EricaH329]

It eneded with her having to consider the offer of a date. she said she could still see us together but just didnt know. The next day she contacted me and agreed that she would go, but said i am not promising you anything because i just dont know. That was a few days ago now. and i havnt herd from her since. Iv sent her a few meseges saying good luck with sports have a good day ect, but no reply.

Today i was contacted by her mother who livs with her, who says "she is still insisting that all she wants is to be friends nothing more but you wont do that" I told her mother the situation with the date and she said she didnt understand what was going on but was telling me what she has been told.

 

There is a lot being told in this paragraph alone. You offered her a chance at going on a date with you. You brought up the idea of trying to reconcile. Even though she agreed to go, have you both gone yet? She is hesitant. You don't want to be with someone who is hesitant. You want to be with someone who knows what they want.

 

As a girl myself, I tell my mother everything. Things I don't even tell my best friends. If this girl told her mother that she just wants to be friends with you, I can guarantee you, she just wants to be friends with you. It seems like she doesn't want to hurt you by turning you down to your face, instead, she plays games such as avoiding your calls and texts, until it comes down to her once again reminding you that she just wants to be friends.

 

With that whole thing about her seeing that other girls car in front of your house, and her calling you... that should raise some red flags. She's already out hanging out with other guys. She wants to string you along. You are better than that.

 

I was put through a simliar situation not too long ago, when I had asked for my fiance back. He was hesitant also. Saying that he didn't know, he was unsure. He wanted to remain friends. As soon as he told me that he wanted to remain friends, is when I began NC. I told him there isn't any way that I could possibly get over him without cutting off all communication. I told him that possibly sometime down the road I would be able to be friends with him, but for now, I needed my space. Needless to say, about a month later he came back. But i'm not saying that the same will happen to you.

 

I went NC for the sole purpose of getting over him. When a person decides that 1- they just want to be friends, or 2- they don't know what they want... it's time for you to gain some self respect for yourself and walk away. Don't sit around and be available for that torment. You need to focus on yourself now.

 

You can explain to her that since she is so confused, that you are not only allowing yourself to get over this break up, but you are allowing her to figure things out with herself without dragging you along. It won't be easy. There are times she will try and contact you and you will want more than anything to give in and respond, but when that happens, call a friend. Write here. Do something instead of responding. I promise you, the pain you are feeling will go away. And, I believe that if it's meant to be, then it will be one way or another. And if not, then you will come out a much stronger, and wiser person.

[tman112]

Thank you for the great post, ive been going no contact for about four days now, ignoring her texts.

 

No we haven't gone on the date yet, it was supposed to be this Saturday. (3 days away) I got a text message from her last night saying "Whats happening on Saturday?"

 

How do I respond to that? i really don't know what to say, she still seems keen to go out on Saturday?

But by doing that i will be setting myself up for possibly even more hurt, do I call it off or still continue planning?

 

I just need some other minds on the matter, mines not so clear and im sure other people can see this situatuion better then i can.

[Thomas X Forever]

Erica for the most part summed it up well.

 

This is just not going to work. It just isn't. Drop her, move on, etc.

 

Also, I am no fan of how you lied and said you moved on when you didn't. That move was weak and immature, and spiteful/vindictive in my opinion. She was right to get upset. You clearly LIED!

 

Now stick to the truth, and move along.

[EricaH329]

As far as the whole Saturday 'date' goes, I would explain to her that you understand that she wants to go out on Saturday as friends, and friends only... and unfortunatly you aren't at the point in your life to see it that way yet. And until you are at that point in your life, you two won't be able to stay in contact. She will more than likely fight you on this, asking you to stay friends with her, but you MUST be strong. Hold your ground. You are either together, or you aren't. And right now that girl is so very confused that it would be best to stay NC. Let yourself figure out your own thoughts, and allow her the same space for her to do the same.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear. I know you want me to say that the best thing for you to do is to go out with her on Saturday. But let's run through this really quick. Say you go out with her on Saturday. What will be running through your mind the whole time?? "Wow, I really care about this girl." "She's so pretty." "I miss her so much!" And what will be running through her head? "I hope he doesn't think of this as anything else but going out as friends."

 

Now because the both of you are seeing this 'date' in two completely different frame of minds, it will be very very awkward. You both will be trying to approach the situation as best as the both of you can, but in your own ways. You'll want to get closer to her. She'll be trying to distance herself. At the end of the night, you will be very disappointed. It will hurt all over again, and more likely, worse than you started out.

 

Spare yourself the grief. Let the healing process begin!

[tman112]

I understand what you are saying, it was agreed upon that it was a date to start something new not to become friends so she was aware of that. Ive been doing well keeping my distance as best i can. Last night she called on the landline. (We dont have caller ID so it was really unavoidable.) She talked a little and said she was still looking forward to going out on Saturday. I again said to her you do realize what Saturday is all about and she said yes and explained to me somthing similar to what i said above. She asked me if people had been talking about her and i told her that i had herd some people before and after some of classes bad mouthing her. Somthing that has been going on for a few weeks. (Friends of her new man.) She said she would confront him about it. I told her all i was doing was being honst. Not sure who she beleived. Today she sent me a messege asking if i would talk to him, i told her no. It is none of my business and he has nothing to do with me. That is as far as the conversation really went. 3 or 4 texts back and forth. My final response was this. " I can pride my self in a few things as i bid you my final fearwell, 1 that i have done everything i possibley could to try and make things work between us and get you back. 2 I did everything i could to protect you and your name around campus. 3 cared for you respected you and treated you well for the past 2 years of my life. And now there is nothing more i can do. i can see you have taken the next step onwards in your life and that is just how it is now. Leaving me with one option, to walk away. In conclusion your mobile number will be blocked from my mobile as of the 28th of august (that is tonight.) according to vodafon at my request. There fore i will no longer be able to contact you via call or txt mesges, and will not receive or respond to anything you send me after that. All the best for the future and good luck."

 

That is how it ended, quite a long text...

I am feeling better after sending this, it is good for me to say it like this and just know where i stand in my own mind.

 

I have not yet got a reply from that messege, and i dont really expect to get one.

 

Vodafon kindly agreed to block her number after i explained briefly about a messy break up. This will make life easier on me not having to worry about her contacting me with her confused and mixed signals.

 

I dont really think she knows what she wants in her life at the moment, i think she is enjoying the attention from this other man, but i know as much as she dose deep down that they are not compatable for each other. But when the day she realises that comes i will be long off somewhere else.

 

Let me know what you think of this conversation? and if ive made the correct choice.

Its great being able to post here and get a response to my feelings and what is ticking over my mind.

[EricaH329]

My final response was this. " I can pride my self in a few things as i bid you my final fearwell, 1 that i have done everything i possibley could to try and make things work between us and get you back. 2 I did everything i could to protect you and your name around campus. 3 cared for you respected you and treated you well for the past 2 years of my life. And now there is nothing more i can do. i can see you have taken the next step onwards in your life and that is just how it is now. Leaving me with one option, to walk away. In conclusion your mobile number will be blocked from my mobile as of the 28th of august (that is tonight.) according to vodafon at my request. There fore i will no longer be able to contact you via call or txt mesges, and will not receive or respond to anything you send me after that. All the best for the future and good luck."

 

This brought tears to my eyes. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!! It reminded me a lot of the e-mail I had sent my ex. You are completely right about trying your hardest. You did everything in your power to try and get her back. That thought alone should help you move on. That there wasn't anything more that you could have done. That you treated her the best way you knew how, and she still isn't convinced.

 

You just did a great thing for yourself. I know this is hard. Trust me. I definitely feel your pain. And it's going to feel like an emotional rollercoaster at times, some days you'll feel great, others you will want to cave and call/text/e-mail her. But STAY STRONG!! When you feel like you are going to give in, write here! Call a friend! I am on this site a lot, so I will be here for you to talk to instead of talking to her. I had a friend that did that for me. Told me that whenever I felt I needed to contact my ex, to call him instead. It actually worked. So, I will do the same for you as best as I can.

 

I really believe you are doing the right thing. And I can't stress how happy I am that you got the courage to tell her what you did. This is going to be a great thing for you in the end I promise. Start looking towards your future. Focus on yourself and what you need to get done to move on with your life. Finish things you once started, but never had the time to finish. Try something new. Try getting a promotion at work by working extra hard. Study more and better your grades at school. Things like that. It will boost your self-esteem and make you feel a lot better.

 

This isn't going to be an easy process. It'll be a long, hard, and trying one. But just like the rest of us, we all come out alive and healthy. You will also, I promise.

[tman112]

The past while had been hard, avoiding places we would usually go. Trying to Change my life so significantly so i dont have to bump into her, its just not working. She keeps txting me or calling and I cant dismiss them. Either offensive messages at me or jealous immature messages. I never cancked our "date" just cut contact off, i assumed it would need disscussing before it could beome anything so left it at that. She called and cancled soon enough. A little broken, but i think id decided it wasnt happening anyway. She continues to ring now and then, no way of knowing its her until its to late. sometmes now i just let the phone ring. Who knows how many calls ive missed. She still messeges me often like i said above, some i reply others dont warrent them. normally a short reply. Pointless really. And typing this i dont really know why i txt her back. She saw me and my friend (A female) getting coffe the other say and sent a series of slanderous messeges to me about my friend. Very immature and annoying. Other times she will simply just say "you know we will never get back together" and thats it... really? why bother wasting a txt. About 4 days ago she asked to meet for a talk, i said yes reluctantly and asked where and waht times, she told me where she was and i asked if i should come now, her responses was dont even worry about it ive changed my mind. About an hour later she again said im sorry would you like to talk now, ten or so minutes later before i even got a reply i got the txt. Im busy now just forget it. This trend continued all day sometimes id reply others i wouldnt, she asked to meet about 7 times all up and changed her mind withn 10-30minutes of each. Why would she do this? This morning i woke up feeling full of wisdom so decided to speak my mind to her. Feels better for me knowingwhat she dose now. I asked her what her new life was like. (Rumours of trouble in paradise were being spread around last night when i was out.) If it was everything she wanted after all that had happend. If shes made the right choices ect ect. If she missed what we had. She said she was the happiest she has ever been in her life. (kinda what i expected.) She said she did miss the times we shraed but will always have the memories. about 6 or 7 txts later she turned the conversation negative.

 

The memories are what haunt me the most, photos, letters, trinkets. Different things that remind me of her and our time, it brings tears to my eyes. I miss her company and our relationship enormasly. And looking back on waht i had and what i now have makes me realise just how crap my life is. I just dont know what to do to get rid of this feeling. My concentration in class has gone to nill, my thoughts racing around about everything else. Life is just becomeing unhealthy and i dont feel im getting any better.

[adamt]

block her on any online stuff. Put all the photos of her away somewhere safe where you will not look. block her number or change your number. dont speak to her. get busy, fill up your time with stuff. take up some new hobbies and meet new friends. you need to realise it is over. spent more time with your friends. it is a long hard journey but stay on track and you will get over her