Thinkalot Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Some of you may be aware that I have posted before, discussing my jealousy of my partner's past relationship with his ex-wife, and my consistent questioning about his past etc, and need to somehow compete with her and of course, be the best--at everything. My bf has run out of patience with this-understandable! I too have had enough of carrying on like a foolish, neurotic woman..I prefer to see myself as upbeat, confident, strong etc. Therefore, I have had counselling etc, and I am improving and getting over my obsession with his past ( I question everything, not only the ex-wife, ex-relationship). I am learning to stop the thoughts, and focus on the present, and also raise my own self-esteem. I have received helpful very replies on this site before, but, as I still tend to have feelings of jealousy and insecurity surface at times (mainly over differences in the way in which we have lived, or differences in opinion- eg..I waited till I was older to first have sex, but he lost his virginity to his ex-wife when they were young teenagers), I was hoping for some more advice on the general subject of overcoming jealousy and insecurity full-stop! Perhaps there are some useful readings, or perhaps some of you have some helpful hints. Aside from this problem of mine, we have a great relationship and have worked through ups and downs in our 2 1/2 yrs together. We want to get married, but we both want me to not feel insecure etc. My bf says he loves me more than he has loved any other...and I feel the same about him. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Some titles: http://www.sheldonpress.co.uk/books/0859697657.html 1. If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? 2. Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness 3. Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures 4. Trusting You Are Loved - Practices for Partnership 5. Ending the Struggle Against Yourself: A Workbook for Developing Deep Confidence and Self-Acceptance Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 Thanks moimeme. You are full of useful info. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Thanks moimeme. You are full of useful info. You're welcome, Thinkalot. There are other posters that think I'm full of something else Hope those books help! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Well I am working on that myself and what helps me a little is thinking of the worst-case scenario and realizing that even if the worst happened, I would get over it. I would find someone else. I do have friends and family and things I enjoy doing alone. Sometimes that freedom starts to sound so good I feel like dumping HIM! LOL. But seriously, I think okay, so if he did cheat on me. Yes, I would be extremely hurt and feel horribly betrayed and angry and it would add to the trust issues I have already. But, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I would get over it eventually and I don't fear living alone. In fact, I really liked living alone. I guess the reason I'm so confident I would get over it is that last year I ended one of the worst relationships in my life. It was horrible. I had anxiety, panic attacks. I lost too much weight. I thought I couldn't live without the guy and I thought I would never really get over him. But I did and in fact, I see him in the summer all the time and I couldn't care less! Anyway, the point is, if you think of what your worst fears are with the jealousy, and then think of how you would deal with them if they happened, it may take some of the edge off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 Thanks Freeme...everything helps. I have found, that instead of thinking about how good it must have been for my bf and his ex, I think of how good it is between US, and try and be strong and focus my thoughts on the present, rather than dwelling on the past...it's funny how, when we are stressed, we tend to only hear the things which fuel the fears, however, if you look for the positives, they are suddenly all around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 1. If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? 2. Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness 3. Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures 4. Trusting You Are Loved - Practices for Partnership 5. Ending the Struggle Against Yourself: A Workbook for Developing Deep Confidence and Self-Acceptance moimeme...thanks for the books...am able to order a couple of them through a bookstore in Australia...there is only one copy left in print of Romantic Jealousy. Once that's gone, they will probably do a reprint! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 moimeme...thanks for the books. You are welcome! I hope they help Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 Just one thought - you said: 'I have found, that instead of thinking about how good it must have been for my bf and his ex...' Was it really that good for your bf and his ex?? If it was, why is she his ex and why is he with you??? Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I should also add that I too have the same sort of insecurities and it's stupid. I wish I would just forget about the dang ex-gf's. We have to have some sort of past otherwise how can we ever be ready when the real thing comes along? Some days I'm fine and confident and other times I drive myself crazy with stupid, ridiculous thoughts. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. How do you go about finding a good counsellor? I went once but it was a rigid program - they have to follow a format and ask standardized questions. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 You could try asking around if any of your friends have had counselling. You could ask some of your physicians and their nurses for a recommendation. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I agree with moimeme...... i think councilling is the best remedy..... having feelings of jealousy for the ex is a demon that just may put a strain on your relationship.... something im sure none of you want to go through..... and yeh he is with YOU now...... focus on that.... he loves you for his reasons which are not of the ex.... hes sees something in you he didnt see in his ex...... that has to account for something..... and if anything you should feel pretty damn good hes with you and you obviously have more to offer than the ex right? otherwise he wouldnt be with you...... good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Something I've looked into is Private Subconscious Mind Therapy...kinda the modern form of hypnotherapy. It tackles the subconscious problems, that trigger the fears etc, rather than taking a cognitive approach and is said to help release of those problems. It's an alternative to more conventional counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted November 20, 2003 Author Share Posted November 20, 2003 Originally posted by toots307 Just one thought - you said: 'I have found, that instead of thinking about how good it must have been for my bf and his ex...' Was it really that good for your bf and his ex?? If it was, why is she his ex and why is he with you??? Well, it was the ex who decided to leave him. She cheated on him...he gave her a chance, then she called it quits. He tells me he was happy then, but is even happier now, as back then, he didn't know the level of love he feels for me, even existed. He was happy with his life, and with her, and with what he knew then. He says that relationship would no longer fulfill his needs today, as he has grown as a person. Nevertheless, if she hadn't left, he'd probably still be happily ambling along with her today, knowing no better. So essentially, he was happy then....just even happier now. I used to think it would be easier if he had some real gripe about her...but he doesn't. They're friends..he's forgiven the cheating. He thinks she's basically a good person. He has good memories etc And really...I'm proud of the way he's handled it with such grace and maturity. I wouldn't want someone bitter and twisted after all... I just found it threatening I suppose.... which is, as we all know, quite ridiculous. She is no threat to me at all. It's my insecurity issue which has sparked my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
ishtarbeam Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] It is a relief to see that others are trying to work through this painful and vicious "disease". I call it that because in my relationship it is infecting everything that is good because I cannot stop being so jealous and mistrusting. My boyfriend and I are almost over at this moment because of my actions. He callls it emotional terrorism and I know that is what it is. After 3 years, we have a beautiful loving relationship EXCEPT for this area. I am killing all the good things with my insecure and jealous behavior. It seems so clear and "justified" when I am in the moment of it, I feel like I have to attack to keep myself safe. What I see after is that I made jealousy more important than he can ever be, and then I am miserable and my mind (jealous and effected mind that is) makes up excuses and justifications as to why I was right. I can talk myself into how right I am, but will that rightness comfort me when I am alone? It sounds arrogant, but I have tried to seek therapy, but I am too smart for an average therapist and I bs them and walk around them, to the point where I am right . I can actually twist them into supporting my crap and I know deep down I am so very wrong and crying out for help, but the jealousy wants to keep it's hold. I know that I have something in my core that is broken, and I have tried for 3 years to fix it. Something in my holds on so tightly that I feel I will die if I surrender and leave the jealousy. It is pretective...or I have managed to convince myself that it is protective so I can not let it go. In truth it is destroying my relationship and damaging my partner. I feel lost. Knowing a problem inside and out is great. I can recognize it and talk about it, but I am still not able to solve it. I see the books listed and I am going to look into them. I don;t know what the solution is though. I want to stop myself before I destroy this relationship , ...it will only infect the next one and the next one...if I fail this one. Link to post Share on other sites
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