kizik Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 @ Vet: please stop posting this phrase, "Wow. Just wow". You quoted a big thing I said with that lame response and you've done it again here. You're not the authority on anyone here, so please quit it with the holier than thou attitude and incessant, smarmy judgments.
Jilly Bean Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I wouldn't say intimidating, as I would say a turn-off. I mean, your first line you say how you have this ultra-fabulous life, but because of it, you have no time to date. What guy would respond to that? You are saying that your priority is yourself, and that dating runs a very distant place in your life. I know when I read a profile of a guy who says how busy he is and has no time for dating, I think "self-absorbed".
butcher's hook Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Do you like to laugh and make others laugh? Oh gosh please DO NOT say that. That is the most common and annoying thing said in profiles, yeah no guff you like to laugh and have fun, who doesn't? That does not set you apart from the entire world in any shape way or form. It is the most banal comment on profiles, I used to hate reading that and apparently men HATE to read "make me laugh" since men are not court jesters, they are complex human beings with their own set of needs and wants. Instead I would focus on what your sense of humour is like, that is more important since everyone has a sense of humour the key is finding someone who has similar or same sense of humour as you do.
Author CarrieT Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 OP: You don't come off as intimidating. You come off as a blowhard. "Look at me, I'm an artist!!!!!!!!!!!" I think those guys were saying intimidating to let you down easy. Thanks for the constructive criticism. Name-calling is always beneficial to one's self esteem and attempts at self-improvement. Your thoughtful suggestion is appreciated more than I can say.
Vet Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 @ Vet: please stop posting this phrase, "Wow. Just wow". You quoted a big thing I said with that lame response and you've done it again here. You're not the authority on anyone here, so please quit it with the holier than thou attitude and incessant, smarmy judgments. When you say things that are just unable to be responded to in a rational fashion, that's all you're going to get. If you don't like it, feel free to ignore me or better yet, stop posting inanities.
Vet Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks for the constructive criticism. Name-calling is always beneficial to one's self esteem and attempts at self-improvement. Your thoughtful suggestion is appreciated more than I can say. Sorry, let me rephrase. You don't come off as being too intimidating, you come off as being someone who is very into themselves and portraying an image to other people that is a turn-off. Stop reiterating how much of an artist you are and how much time you spend devoting to it, and let people see who you are. Better?
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I wouldn't say it's intimidating, but it definitely doesn't sound like you are much fun to be with. As many others noted, it sounds like you are putting up a preemtive warning, "look at all that I do, look how busy and complex I am...you are lucky if I make any time for you!" Also, my middle school english teacher used the phrase "show, don't tell" when instructing us on creative or demonstrative writing. Don't tell people "I am _____, _____, _____, and ____." Give them hints that show that you might be those things, and then let them find out for themselves.
Author CarrieT Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Sorry, let me rephrase. You don't come off as being too intimidating, you come off as being someone who is very into themselves and portraying an image to other people that is a turn-off. Stop reiterating how much of an artist you are and how much time you spend devoting to it, and let people see who you are. Better? Thank you, Vet. Yes. Part of why I wanted this critique. And I do appreciate the insight in hopes of changing. Not an excuse, but I have been struggling with the balance between my work and a social life. The last year has been 95% work so it IS a pervasive part of what I have projected to others. I wrongly assumed that guys would appreciate someone who is hardworking and self-sufficient versus a woman looking for someone to take care of them. I guess I'm just pretty sensitive to my loneliness right now. But again, thank you.
bac Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 How long do you have your profile on the site? How many men did email you? What name of your site? I believe that the most important thing is your pic. At least, I choose men mostly based on their pics because when I look at their eyes I can feel chemistry. But it is hard to say about their profiles' descriptions whether it is truthful or not. But it maybe just me. And maybe that is why I receive emails only from ONS seekers. I can tell you my results on match.com. I have good pics and a regular description (for a long-term relationship.) I do not mention in my profile that I am very special in any way and stuff like that. So, my profile has been on match.com for about 2-3 wks, I have got about 20-30 emails mostly from ONS seekers in 40s. Now the number of emails is going down and I expect to get 0-2 emails per day during next month.
Author CarrieT Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Bac, I have had similar profiles on Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Yahoo and OKCupid for about a year. Someone here just told me about Mate1. For me, Match was the worst -- the most potentially interesting guy ended trawling for a Mistress to Serve (he already owned the collar!). And even though I specified NO CHILDREN, I got three (3!) marriage offers from guys I never met who were "so taken with me" they were convinced I would want to help them raise their children. WTF? That was the most surreal, actually. To specify that I did not want to be someone's stepmother and repeatedly be approached because they were SURE I would change my mind when I saw their precious little brood. Like you, I get a lot of guys just looking for hook-ups. That has been the bulk of those who approach me.
CaliGuy Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Nah you're not intimidating -- well -- only to INSECURE guys. And you don't want an insecure guy, do you?!
westernxer Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Part of why I wanted this critique. And I do appreciate the insight in hopes of changing. I found it very hard to write my own profile when I was testing the online waters, so I know what you mean about wanting other people's opinions. It's a smart move, especially if you're serious about it. I'd also rewritten my profile a few times, trying to find that happy medium. Problem is, I never expected much to happen. Nothing did. LOL
bac Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Like you, I get a lot of guys just looking for hook-ups. That has been the bulk of those who approach me. Have ever seen on match.com men who have some potential for a relationship, not only for ONS or NSA? Do they even exist on match.com? I saw only one guy who had some potential for emotional attachment. I mean he was emotionally and physically available, he was willing to talk openly and share his thoughts and feelings and he was even willing to talk on the phone that is very rare for men in 40s. He did not have any GF for last 25 yrs before he met me. Sadly, he also had multiple psychiatric problems. So, even he had a real desire for a relationship, it was totally unrealistic to start a relationship with him.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Thank you, Vet. Yes. Part of why I wanted this critique. And I do appreciate the insight in hopes of changing. Not an excuse, but I have been struggling with the balance between my work and a social life. The last year has been 95% work so it IS a pervasive part of what I have projected to others. I wrongly assumed that guys would appreciate someone who is hardworking and self-sufficient versus a woman looking for someone to take care of them. I guess I'm just pretty sensitive to my loneliness right now. But again, thank you. That's a false dichotomy. It's not either you're an independent woman or you're a helpless charity case. You can be an independent person without being disassociated and aloof. Hardworking and self-sufficient is good. Portraying yourself as completely independent is bad; why would you need someone else? That's how your profile comes off to me.
Hkizzle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 @ Vet: please stop posting this phrase, "Wow. Just wow". You quoted a big thing I said with that lame response and you've done it again here. You're not the authority on anyone here, so please quit it with the holier than thou attitude and incessant, smarmy judgments. Don't bother about Vet. I mean, take a look at my sig for example.......
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Don't bother about Vet. I mean, take a look at my sig for example....... For someone that's so concerned about being "stalked" by me, you sure do bring me up a lot.
Hkizzle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 For someone that's so concerned about being "stalked" by me, you sure do bring me up a lot. Nah, just wanted to gather up all the other people that have the same problem with you. That's two other people now. Seems like you got a behavioural trend buddy.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Seems like you got a behavioural trend buddy. Hopefully we all do, lest we be schizophrenic.
frustrated&sad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Bac, I have had similar profiles on Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Yahoo and OKCupid for about a year. Someone here just told me about Mate1. For me, Match was the worst -- the most potentially interesting guy ended trawling for a Mistress to Serve (he already owned the collar!). And even though I specified NO CHILDREN, I got three (3!) marriage offers from guys I never met who were "so taken with me" they were convinced I would want to help them raise their children. WTF? That was the most surreal, actually. To specify that I did not want to be someone's stepmother and repeatedly be approached because they were SURE I would change my mind when I saw their precious little brood. Like you, I get a lot of guys just looking for hook-ups. That has been the bulk of those who approach me. Hi, CarrieT, So I've read most of the posts, but not all; I apologize if I am repeating here what someone else has written or said. I read your initial profile, and as a strong female myself I found it intriguing, but overwhelming. I recently posted a profile on a dating website just to see what it is all like. I had never done it before. Actually, I was interested in posting a profile as a social experiment (I know, weird). Here is what I found: I had a long profile at first that was, in many ways, similar to yours: passionate, intense, and "intimidating" to men. After a week of a receiving a few responses, I decided I would see what happened if I changed it. Instead of talking about my love for art and food, I tried to make quirky, funny or witty statements about my likes and dislikes. For example, in those sections where you have to note what you like to do for fun (or something along those lines), I wrote offbeat lines like "I like to color in the lines, I drive the speed limit, ..., oh, and I obviously like to poke fun at myself." Another example: when asked to comment on your personality, stick to vague generalizations that cannot be confused for intimidating, complex, high strung, or overbearing. I, like you, find that men are easily intimidated by me for various reasons (perhaps our fondness for frankness), so again I tried to make my personality "real" but keep it lighthearted and funny. I have examples of my personality rather than descriptive adjectives. So I said I am creative and easily entertained. Example: I relish in making omelettes, I can stare for hours at people on the street, and I get lost in the smells of flower stores. I found that rather than just saying what type of humor I like, if I demonstrated it men responded to it. I kept the profile short, funny, but creative. Within 2 hours, I was flooded with emails. And I keep getting them. So, perhaps try something along these lines? Perhaps all this seems to "cute" to you, but I think you sound interesting, strong, passionate, and motivated. These qualities are often misinterpreted. But I have faith that there are men out there that will find this a turn on. Good luck!
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