CarrieT Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I just had two guys on the dating site I am on tell me that they would like to spend time with me but they are intimidated by me. I am trying to be honest but am wondering if it comes across as bragging, even if I don't mean it as such. This loneliness thing is getting to me and I'm wondering if I should re-write my profile... "I am a dichotomy in that I lead a Bohemian lifestyle of exploring artist philosophies and loving every day of life, but am practical and serious in owning and running two different businesses (one tech and one art-oriented). Sadly, it leaves me very little time for socializing so I tend to date very rarely. My art business requires working many weekend fairs and festivals so Tuesday and Wednesday nights are when I relax. I am fiercely committed and loyal, affectionate and sensual, serious and lighthearted... I became a Food & Wine writer before there were blogs (now everyone does it!) I worked three jobs simultaneously to get a Masters in Fine Art and have just recently walked away from the corporate rat-race to just work from home as an artist (living on investment savings). I can be both sophisticated and classy as well as kinky and off-beat. I have a twisted sense of humor that many find downright bizarre (I like Brit humor and black comedies). I am very active (walk 5 miles a day), passionate about affection and intimacy, and am a bit more open and frank than some people are comfortable with. I own golf clubs but haven't done more than hit at the driving range for want of anyone to play with. I have sailed on and off throughout my life (as a teenager, I owned a Sunfish, have sailed in Belize and Panama, and once restored an AlphaCat). I am a museum and gallery junkie. I can't get enough and at least one day a week, I set out to explore a new exhibit or art showing. Art feeds my soul like little else. I'm the type of person that will stop to admire public art and gets a huge kick out of Performance Art. Being a stay-at-home artist, I tend to put Turner Classic Movies on and rarely change the channel; most of television is crap anyway so I'm happier with old movies and PBS. I adore travel and am experienced in living out of a single carry-one suitcase for weeks at a time in foreign countries. Metaphorically and literally, I don't like baggage of any kind! I love places with great history and architecture, but am equally as comfortable in a thatched hut. I was an avid wine collector and am probably considered a snob by some, however I believe a great burger can be as thrilling as haute cuisine. Now that the economy is taking a dive, I'm drinking my wine collection instead of buying more. I am a true Renaissance woman; multi-talented, layered, and complex. I admire people who look at the world differently and grasp at adventures. I am hoping to find a true partner to share and explore with. I chose to never have children and would prefer to only date gentlemen whose children are already grown."
Sam Spade Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Indimidating - I wouldn't say. The first things that popsup in my mind is - "unrealistic" (though I'm sure it it, but remember, nobody knows you for real), a bit too intense, cluttered, and irrelevant. And wayyyyyy tooo loooong. So, I'd recommend toning it down and shortening it - a lot. None of the stacks and stacks of details you provide will serve the purpose of attracting any guy, but merely to showcase your hobbies. Which is fine, but prioritise what you want to achieve. The point being is that guys scan the pictures, then read the profile for some basic background information and evidence of sanity and a host of basic quality such as genuine sense of humor/goofiness. Basically the image of someone laidback that would be fun to get to know. Your profile, while in many ways impressive, conveys none of that. It's just a list of resume items, with almost nothing about your personality (except that it is a tad intense ). I was about to suggest an edit, but then I realised that I'd delete almost everything, which would leave almost nothing to work with. Perhaps the worst part is that it pictures you like this huge paradox. Well, guess what, EVERY girl on match.com "likes to be outdoors" "but also can dress up for a night on the town", is "very outgoing and likes to go out" "but also likes a quiet night at home". It's tiring. One final thing to consider is that on all dating sites there is a bunch of requisite scam profiles that sound way too good, and yours resembles them. There, I said it all. I'm sorry if it stings, but eventually you'll figure it out . No more than 3-4 paragraphs.
caramel c Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 My first thought: What are they going to talk about on the first date? She's already said it all.
Lizzie60 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I haven't read it all.. it's waaaayyy too long.. Most men on dating sites do not read the profiles.. they just look at the picture... I never read long profiles myself..
Hkizzle Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Yeah way too long. Try and cut it down to 3 paragraphs, and with less detail, and there's no need to post negatives like I don't have enough time to date. What's that saying? I WONT HAVE TIME FOR YOU. Come back with the revised version, let's see if it's good.
boogieboy Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I am a true Renaissance woman; multi-talented, layered, and complex.No need to say this....it comes off as bragging, plus this is something you want people to discover, rather than something you have to force down their throats. And it is too long. It is too intense. Theres nothing that says "fun to hang with". You come off as you dont have time for anyone - that pretty much tells people no one will ever be important in your life because you like to be too busy. Who would want to invest in someone that wouldnt seem like they'd make time for them? Display some of your twisted sense of humopr in there.
westernxer Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 When I did online dating, I would just skip the women who wrote long profiles. My first impression was, where do I fit in?
boogieboy Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 BTW "complex" usually means either "im a pain in the ass" or "You will never get 100% of me because I got hurt too many times".
Author CarrieT Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Okay, how is this: "So... we are all fun to be with, relaxed, funny, passionate, intelligent and love the outdoors. What makes me different? I guess that's for you to find out. I will tell you that I am artistic, cultured, passionate, and off-beat. I have a twisted sense of humor, preferring BritComs and black comedies to adolescent comedies and contrived stand-up. I can be both kinky and conventional, passionate and demur, outdoorsy or elegant. I don't go in much for spectator sports except for sumo wrestling and lumber sports (something about guys hurling giant trees is hilarious). I am an experienced and adventurous diner, willing to try anything once and possibly twice. Would prefer if your children are fully grown and on their own, if any. :
Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I will tell you that I am artistic, cultured, passionate, and off-beat. I have a twisted sense of humor, preferring BritComs and black comedies to adolescent comedies and contrived stand-up. I can be both kinky and conventional, passionate and demur, outdoorsy or elegant. Meh, it still sounds like you're bragging. When I did OD, I prefered profiles that described what they were into and enjoyed doing, more than profiles that tried to tell me who they are. Don't tell me you're funny, show me. Don't tell me you're artistic, show me. Don't tell me you're cultured, show me. Don't tell me you're multi-faceted, show me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Sam Spade Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Okay, how is this: "So... we are all fun to be with, relaxed, funny, passionate, intelligent and love the outdoors. What makes me different? I guess that's for you to find out. I will tell you that I am artistic, cultured, passionate, and off-beat. I have a twisted sense of humor, preferring BritComs and black comedies to adolescent comedies and contrived stand-up. I can be both kinky and conventional, passionate and demur, outdoorsy or elegant. I don't go in much for spectator sports except for sumo wrestling and lumber sports (something about guys hurling giant trees is hilarious). I am an experienced and adventurous diner, willing to try anything once and possibly twice. Would prefer if your children are fully grown and on their own, if any. : Much better . You even have some room to work in a tad more stuff if you want to. Basically, anything you sey needs to be for a reason (i.e. less "lists", more (measured) fun with the genre.
amerikajin Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 If I read a profile like that I would probably never respond to it. Don't get me wrong -- you're likely a fine woman with fine character. But the ad itself sort of sends off the vibe that you're writing some sort of dating resume. It can come across as arrogant (please know I am not saying that you are arrogant, but that the ad can come across that way). Before I met my current partner, I tried the online dating thing for a bit. I would sometimes read profiles of women who were initially attractive until you began reading their profiles, and then I would just think about how obnoxious they were. Of course a lot of studs are willing to put up with that attitude, and maybe they're the kind of guys that bring some attitude into a relationship themselves, so in a sense, maybe both find what they're looking for -- until they're six months into the relationship and realize that they can't stand each other. From a woman's perspective I can sort of understand why women do write the detailed profile: you want to keep the creeps and the p*ssified boring men at bay. You don't want to waste a good evening. So you try to cut to the chase and say it all so that you'll ward off certain guys and attract only those who are confident enough to get to know you. That, of course, raises one of the main problems with online dating: there's so much b.s. out there it's hard to know what to believe. If I were to become single and do the online dating thing ever again, I think I would take it really slowly with someone I've met online. Personally, I think these online meat markets are actually the worst of the worst places to find a partner. If you're going to find someone online, it's probably better to find someone on an interests-related site such as this one or some other site, because that way you can get to know a lot more about someone when they're at ease and not auditioning for a night in the sack with you. If you're going to do the online thing with match or eharmony, I would tone it down a little bit. You want to seem real, down to earth. Your post makes it seem like your turning romance into a job application.
boldjack Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I'm not intimidated by you, Carrie, but then again I'm not intimidated by many people. I trulu don't believe that anyone is better than I am.
eiithan Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 The number of male online dating users who prefer a long, originally written profile is small, but they do exist. When I was using Match, I maintained a 4k max profile. Comparing to the amount of attention women usually get online, I did not receive much attention, but when I got emails the men tended to be the ones who find my lengthy profile intriguing and refreshing. Meanwhile, I also received two hateful emails "I do not want to read your profile until you reduced it down (ironically, one of them was very long in criticising my profile)." One of my major requirements on men was he needs to be a reader, and in that way a lengthy profile served as a filter. But that is just my case. I do agree with others that simple sentences with less-descriptive language is better. Online dating profile is pretty similar to an AD in that sense. At least with Match.com, most hobby information can go to a different section and you can focus on your personality in the essay part.
Woggle Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 It's not intimidating but I would keep it short and simple on a dating site.
Adunaphel Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I like the second profile you posted *way* better. In the first one it sounded like you were trying to impress, the seconds sounds much more relaxed, gives guys excuses to contact you sounding casual(I love the lumber sports bit). I also think the bit about children is a great idea. From my personal limited dating site experience, the more casual I was, the more replies from nice or decent guys I got. Also... have you considered giving some information about the kind of guy you are looking for? It will both make you save time and provide more information about yourself.
Author CarrieT Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 People who are driven to success have to proof themselves because when they were small they were told you werent good enough by someone and to make up for it they have to over-excel Well, there you pegged it. In my case, I had more than one person tell me I was not good enough so, yes, I did what I could to prove them wrong. But getting back to your profile , you sound like a very interesting person and someone very caring that even I would love to meet but now that I am back being just an average person like everyone else and deciding to want a simpler life - even I have doubts from reading your profile whether I could measure up because your profile limits who you want even though you didn't say that. hope I helped. But I disagree that one has to lead an "average life" to find happiness and love. I honestly don't believe I have expectations on a guy's income or job. I just want to find common interests and the hope that I wouldn't have to be the breadwinner. I was in a 12-year relationship where I supported the guy -- that relationship ended only because I got tired of supporting someone who would never do anything to improve his life; I mean, who wants to live with a 40-year old who won't get a driver's license, won't even try for a GED, won't go to a dentist, and had no aspirations beyond being a night stock clerk for Target? But for 12 years, he and I were very happy...
butcher's hook Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 It's the pictures, regardless what anyone tries to tell you that's the bottom line with guys. I had a profile that was as long as yours a few years back when I did OD, and it was not about me in the "I, I, I" sense it was a fun read on life and my takes and observations in a humourous and sarcastic light that demonstrated my dynamic on many levels and the things I "claim to be". I would get countless emails from guys saying I had the best profile, that I should write, that it was so funny and fun to read etc., but for the most part I would get goofballs with lines that went something like this "wow that is such a LONG profile I'll admit I didn't read it but you look so hot I just had to email you, wanna chat?" Delete.
Author CarrieT Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Here is my PoF profile so you can see pictures: http://www.plentyoffish.com/member12981154.htm
Ariadne Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I am a dichotomy am practical and serious sophisticated and classy as well as kinky and off-beat twisted sense of humor downright bizarre Renaissance woman; multi-talented, layered, and complex passionate and demur outdoorsy or elegant I read your profile and I liked it. It's you. But I also saw it as practically impossible. No matches there to be found. I like to travel for weeks in foreign countries with a little bag, go to museums every week, have a wine collection, and a masters, etc etc. Who is going to be a match for something so disparate? Also, the dichotomies can be pretty confusing. Is she modest or is she kinky? Is she serious or is she fun? And the multi-layered and complex can turn people off. It sounds like someone too complicated to deal with since it's not specific. What does she mean bizarre? In what way? What does she mean complex? Complex? (But then, if you are lucky to find the right guy he'll what you mean)
Ariadne Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Here is my PoF profile so you can see pictures: http://www.plentyoffish.com/member12981154.htm Haha You brave enough to eat intestines or insects? How about dressing up in our best evening clothes to eat In-N-Out burgers in the park? And now you went the other way..
butcher's hook Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Here is my PoF profile so you can see pictures: http://www.plentyoffish.com/member12981154.htm You are very pretty and sophisticated. The pictures are great! I was not judging you on your appearance was just pointing out that really that is what men primarily focus on. The profile could say "I cry a lot, am permanently PMS'ed, want to deconstruct the film Beaches with you over breakfast while I fry up your man wiener" and they probably would never notice.
Vet Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 you do sound extremely interested and there was a time myself that I saw all your talents and goals and accomplishments as a sign this is a very hard working person with all these great qualities that just hasnt had the time to find someone special. But then it may also indicate that - heres who I am I am driven by success and I have very high expectations of others I am so independent and successful that I dont really need anyone and you may never come up to my standards because there are very few people that can afford to travel the world and live the kind of exciting life you have and in essence you are saying you demand that someone else exceed your lifestyle inorder to interest you. In essence you are defined more by what you do and your successes then who you are - and I can tell who you are is a very nice person. But unless you let people know that your success is only one side of you and that who you are looking for can be anyone out there that can be your special person - you are looking at .00001% of the people out there that can meet your standards so that although you probably are in the top % of looks and success - few guys out there feel they can make an impression on you - well at the non-superficial ones that would really care about you more then just getting in your pants or wanting your wealth and lifestyle. The only reason you are alone is because you decided your priorities are more important then your personal life - I did that to myself too - then you make excuses for not making time to spend with someone and most people out there doesnt interest you that much . If you find someone just like yourself you will be competing with yourself so that usually wont work either. You feel life has passed you by because every holiday you dread because you seem to have everything but then on those days like valentines day and thanksgiving and christmas you seem to have nothing. You have all the looks in the world but when you have time alone by yourself to reflect you seem to wish for the life that all those simple couples have like most people in college ( except the rich kids) struggle thru college and the happiness times in their lives was when they have nothing. I hope one day you dont loose all your successes and then wind up being alone too - thats when life will really hurt because then you will feel you gave up too much of your life - and for what . But I know that will never happen to you because you are practical also and invested wisely. You see theres always a downside of being very attractivea and successful - you then limit yourself to who you allow to come into your life and then by doing that you miss the chance for some great guys who would have been the REAL ones that could have made you happy. When I read you profile thats what crosses my mind. People who are driven to success have to proof themselves because when they were small they were told you werent good enough by someone and to make up for it they have to over-excel or you could be plagued by being over-talented and nothings challenge for you. But youve gone into a routine in life that limits you from meeting people outside of work because the work has consumed you so that off work when you Do have time - the people arent there for you. one thing you will never loose is your talents - even though you success may come and go so you will always be a success. But Ive been there see this philadelphia business journal article on me - all it takes is a few mistakes and you go from being rich to poor in a stroke of what I call stupidity to want more - that was me in the article suing the company and trying to block the reorganization plan and I lost: [COLOR=#3b5998]http://philadelphia.bizjou[/COLOR]rnals.com/philadelphia/stories/2001/09/24/story4.html Now I live an average life struggling to just get by - just put up my 6 bedroom 4 1/2 bath house for sale last friday. This is to prove to you how easily success comes and goes and although you are the same person inside - people will see you differently - thats how the world works. If I had to do life over again - I'd trade in the success for the happiness instead. But getting back to your profile , you sound like a very interesting person and someone very caring that even I would love to meet but now that I am back being just an average person like everyone else and deciding to want a simpler life - even I have doubts from reading your profile whether I could measure up because your profile limits who you want even though you didnt say that. hope I helped. Wow. Just wow.
Vet Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 OP: You don't come off as intimidating. You come off as a blowhard. "Look at me, I'm an artist!!!!!!!!!!!" I think those guys were saying intimidating to let you down easy.
Trialbyfire Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Art galleries and museums = Addictive. Sailing, travel and adventure > Vegging at home. Watching classic movies and PBS > Mainstream TV. Tactile > Cold and unfeeling. Great wine and food > Junk food. Does this sound interesting? Do you like to laugh and make others laugh? Do you enjoy having fun but also wax eloquent about deeper topics? If so, I'd love to meet you.
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