Are people pre-determined to be either a seriel dumper OR dumpee?

[Taucher]

I have had 2 long relationships. 5 years, and my most recent 4 year relationship. They both followed similar patterns. Both exes were very clingy and both relationships moved quickly in the early stages. Both exes abandoned their friends and had jealousy issues and kind of were a bit...obsessive.

 

About 2 years into both relationships, I remember feeling worried that they would not be able to keep up the intensity of their feelings and they would probably leave me. I was right. Everyone's feelings die down a bit once past the honeymoon period. And once those feelings die down a bit, it is hard to carry on if you have invested so much into the relationship. My first GF went totally off the rails, bless her, and left me soon after. I could see it coming.

 

My most recent ex went from massive gestures of love to just leaving. I think she was exhausted. Are these traits that serial dumpers share?

 

I, on the other hand, had no intention of leaving either relationship. I cant imagine ever leaving a relationship after a year or two. So maybe that's MY issue. My most recent ex is the love of my life, to be honest.

 

Anyway, any thoughts?

 

T

[caramel c]

I've been the dumper in each of my relationships except the most recent one. I finally know how it feels to be the dumpee. The reasons I had for breaking up with each of the others varied, which is why I'm not sure if its a pattern, or just being able to recognize that it's not the one. I don't have any regrets, but I do know that it takes a lot for me to open my heart.

[xpaperxcutx]

Are you into clingy women?

 

Clingy women are intense in relationships because of their smothering behaviour. However at the same time, they would expect their SO to give their 100% otherwise the women will feel cheated like they're the only ones putting in the effort.

 

OP, from your post it seems you're more laid back in Rs, and can the smothering behaviours. But do you reciprocate in the same way? Maybe your exes grew tired after a year or two because they felt you haven 't put in much effort.

 

And in reply to your question, I've always been the dumper in relationships and always the first one to walk away from a hopeless date.

[Taucher]

I've been the dumper in each of my relationships except the most recent one. I finally know how it feels to be the dumpee. The reasons I had for breaking up with each of the others varied, which is why I'm not sure if its a pattern, or just being able to recognize that it's not the one. I don't have any regrets, but I do know that it takes a lot for me to open my heart.

 

Good point. I guess I dont think that the reasons for dumping someone are the same, just that some people are more likely to dump. Looking at my friends, they are all either usually dumped or usually leave other people. Out of 4 close friends, 2 are pretty much always dumped and the other two end relationships all the time.

 

Are you into clingy women?

 

Clingy women are intense in relationships because of their smothering behaviour. However at the same time, they would expect their SO to give their 100% otherwise the women will feel cheated like they're the only ones putting in the effort.

 

OP, from your post it seems you're more laid back in Rs, and can the smothering behaviours. But do you reciprocate in the same way? Maybe your exes grew tired after a year or two because they felt you haven 't put in much effort.

 

And in reply to your question, I've always been the dumper in relationships and always the first one to walk away from a hopeless date.

 

Good questions. Yes, I think I DO like clingy woman, although I dont think it is easy to spot if someone is clingy or not at the start of a relationship. However, you are right on the mark when you say that my exes feel that i didnt put in much effort, they both said this. However, I kind of cant quite see it. I probably need to work on this. My recent ex, especially, I was so into her. I adored everything about her. I loved her and still do, unfortunately. But she would get angry if I went out with my male friends and didnt invite her. This didnt happen alot but sometimes we would go out to watch football and no girls were with us. I would NEVER do anything to hurt her and I think she knew how in love with her I was.

 

I think your attitude of walking away from a hopeless date is a healthy one.

 

I am not just talking specifically about myself though and would be interested to hear people's ideas based on their personal experiences.

[caramel c]

Well, not only have I always been the dumper in relationships, but I have also been the one to end the start of one. Even when I've gone out with a guy 1,2, or 3 times I am the one to say no eventually. My thoughts on this are as follows: I think its very very wrong to mislead someone. I have before taken the advice of my friends and gone on one or two extra dates with a guy I wasn't really into, only to break it off after that for the same reason I knew about earlier on. Now, I just cut it off when I realize whatever it is about them won't match up with what I'm looking for. It seems like I'm just hard to please or picky but I don't think I am. I just know what I want, and I only want one. My most recent ex I was very happy with. He is what I'm looking for. I was finally able to open up with him, and there were many things I gained from that relationship. Unfortunately it didn't work out, now I am single again. I will continue to look for those qualities that truly motivate me and until then I have no business settling with anyone who does not. To me, this is going to be the most important decision in my life, who I end up with. I don't want to settle just to settle.