I just can't deal with it; so very lost. :(

[icyness]

Hey guys. I've been lurking for a while and am actually on another board for this, but I felt I'd join this one as well for more perspective and support since I just can't seem to let it go. (and everyone here seems so great!)

 

I know this is nothing new and you're all probably sick of these stories, so please bare with me if you're willing.

 

My boyfriend (22) and best friend left me in the beginning of July after almost 3 years of being together.

We were long distance, but we made it work seeing each other whenever possible.

 

His reasonings for leaving were he just wanted some freedom, he got tired of my insecurities and jealousy, needed some space, and basically didn't think he felt the same emotionally anymore.

He was just here in May, and showed no indications of any of this. Something building up over a long period of time I can understand, and I'm sure I would have seen it, it was not the case at all though. It also wouldn't make sense for him to spend yet more money on a 9 hour drive to come see me had he been feeling that way.

 

He went back to FL at the end of May and began a college program that is to last until January.

Here is where I'm failing to understand any of the break up; it is only after he began this program that he changed. I mean, literally did a 180 within a matter of a few weeks.

He's never lied to me about anything, and I want to believe it's only the reasons he gave me, but since we are LD, I cannot get it out of my head that he possibly met someone else and refuses to tell me.

 

I made all the classic mistakes the first month..begging, pleading, calling, texting, emailing, doing everything in my power to rectify the break up which of course only made things worse.

Before he got really mad with me for doing so, he promised we would be friends again when he is ready, but ever since the last time I spoke to him which was about 6 weeks ago, I can't be sure if he will even do that anymore since I seemed to have made him so angry.

 

I seem to handle NC pretty well considering. I've not texted or called him since then, although I have emailed him a couple of times in the past few weeks which I'm trying to stop as well.

I know I should not concern myself with whether or not he'll ever speak to me again, (let alone be with me again and let's face it, that is what I really want) but I just can't get myself to stop it with the hope.

I seem to do better for a few days or so, then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm a mess all over again.

 

Other than making the mistakes I did after breaking up, I really cannot fathom him never wanting anything to do with me ever again since we were always wonderful to each other and the best of friends.

Neither of us ever cheated or betrayed the other in any major way; that's what I can't wrap my head around. If something like that occurred resulting in any of this, I could easily understand. Since none of it is even remotely the case however, it baffles me, and I find myself constantly questioning what the hell really happened.

 

There is definitely truth to the reasons he gave, yet I don't buy it enough for wanting to throw everything away.

I am convinced a majority of why this occurred is the current atmosphere he is in..it really and truly was only after he got there and made these new "friends" that he turned into this complete stranger.

 

I have been doing pretty well pretending I'm okay a lot of the times as to not worry those around me; all of the anger, hurt, confusion and sadness is still very much alive inside of me, I just no longer allow myself to acknowledge it as I did before otherwise I'm a crying mess 24/7.

 

The time seems like such a double-edged sword, as it actually does help in dealing with it as each day passes, but at the same time I get more upset as more time passes because I keep thinking wow, he still won't talk to me..he really doesn't care.

The thought of never speaking again scares me beyond anything.

 

If you had a very decent relationship and there was truly love there, no lying, major problems or betrayal, is it common to have that person in your life once again after the dust settles?

I understand he is angry now and that will take a lot of time to subside, but other than that..what in the world did I do to deserve never speaking to me again?

If we were casually dating or what not, fine. This was not the case at all though, and even though I didn't make things any easier when he left me, I never once lashed out or was mean about it..just incredibly hurt.

 

I keep hoping that when he's done with the program he'll sort of be the guy I once knew and at least talk to me..I know I these hopes and thoughts are only delaying my healing, but I can't stop it.

I can't stop the 'what if' thoughts no matter what I do.

How likely is it that he was telling the truth?

How likely is it that he'll ever talk to me again?

 

I know what I should be doing and focusing on, but I just can't get myself to. I feel I'm desperately clawing for answers or at least something that makes sense to me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Why do I want someone so bad who probably isn't even giving me a second thought? At the very least I just want to know we'll speak again one day.

Will it really ever go away.

 

My apologies for the length of the post and rather unorganized mesh of thoughts.

I hope everyone else is well; thank you very much for reading. xo

[soheartbroken]

Wow. I am having the exact same thoughts and feelings. My ex and I were together 5 years, living together for at least 4.

 

The last conversation we had before going NC, she said we "should go our own separate ways". Really stings.

 

I can't get over thoughts that we will never speak again. How can someone cut you out like that? How terrible do you have to be that they never want to speak to you anymore, ever again? Like you, there was no cheating, abuse, or whatever. We were very happy (at the beginning at least) and I know we loved eachother very much. As we get further into NC, I will also probably be upset that she doesn't care enough about me to get in touch.

 

I just want the comfort of knowing that we will at least speak again one day.

 

Sorry that I don't have any good advice. But you're not alone!

[icyness]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it as well; it sucks, but it is comforting to know others are feeling the same way.

Thanks SHB.

[icyness]

Are any of the more experienced people on here/vets around with any input?

Not trying to shove my thread sown anyone's throats, sorry if it's coming across that way..I'm just down-spiraling as each day passes; I'm constantly close to breaking NC.

 

I don't know how to deal with it or what to think anymore.

[singledad2]

Are any of the more experienced people on here/vets around with any input?

QUOTE]

 

I used to live in NC and FL. All with the same perpetual "fiancee". She ended up leaving me in NC after 5 years and was engaged to be married to someone else less than 3 months after the last "I Love You". And now my wife has abandoned me and 3 kids and run off with someone re-aquainted on Facebook. I think I have some experience. And obviously some problems with myself that allow me to get involved with the wrong women. I fortunately had been wondering if I needed to get my kids away from this insecure, selfish, woman that could be damaging my kids, while recognizing a flaw in myself that led me there. Maybe she was just there to give me the blessing of these beautiful kids and move on. Both of these experiences have been difficult, but I will tell you that focusing on myself instead of trying to figure the other half of the equation has made all the difference in the world. In NC there are tons of young adult singles groups at the churches and they are a great place to cmmune with people your age and start getting closer to understanding what your purpose is here, which will lead you to the happiness that you feel is missing right now.

 

I will say what I told soheartbroken. Make a list of things to do to take care of yourself and get busy doing it. You obviously are a caring person and there are lots of fish in the sea for someone like that. Care about yourself for awhile and realize its a journey. Hope this helps.

[Unspoken]

Hey there, Let me tell you few things,,,

what u should do,, !!!!

 

1- you should give him the speace and the freedom he wants and you MUST stop contacting him in any kind of way. simply you should just be absent and then he will miss you if he really loves you

 

 

2- you should really start thinking about your self and stop thinking about him, I know it is really hard to stop thinking about someone u love so much, but you should try to think of it that this guy didn't respect you and he didn't even respect your feelings, he didn't think about what you both have and he didn't think about how much you love him, he hurt you and right now you are going through a lot of pain and only God knows how you feel. so think about yourself and spoile your self, make ur self as busy as possible, and do not forget if that guy cared he wouldn't hurt you, so u should really start caring about ur self and forget about anything else.

 

 

3- you should stop thinking about what he said and is true or he lieing, cuz if u don't you will cuz ur self so much pain!!

 

This is my point of view, and u should know that we are all here for you

 

Hope u get over all this very soon

[soheartbroken]

I agree that the best strategy is to stop wondering what they are thinking. Don't get caught up in the future, only think about today. I know it's easier said than done.

 

Chances are you will get a chance to speak to the person again in the future. But it's possible that by that point, YOU won't even feel the need to talk to them anymore.

 

Heal yourself first, then you can start to think about reconnecting as friends. By the time you've healed yourself, if the person still rejects you as a friend, you won't care. Don't contact until you would be okay if you didn't hear back from them.

[icyness]

Thanks you guys. I know these are all the right things to do and thoughts to have; I really am trying.

I wish I could just stop wondering what's going on with him. I keep hoping, I know it's doing nothing to help but I keep hoping to be with him again.

 

I know it's all setting me back..how do you keep such feelings and thoughts from taking over all the time?

One minute I seem alright, the next I feel sick to my stomach thinking about what he's possibly doing..if he loves me at all anymore.

[Bobby2010]

I know you probably don't want to hear it, but if I were a betting man I'd say he's with someone else.

 

People just don't wake up one day and decide they're not connected emotionally anymore, I've heard that line recently too. Something causes it.

 

Something has his attention, especially he if traveled to see you in May and everything was as good as ever. Was it?

 

I know what you mean about doing a complete 180. My fiance "couldn't live without" me at Christmas time, by March she was acting like a total stranger. She now lives with another guy, abroad. No closure, nothing. And I'm certain there never will be closure.

 

One day at a time I guess.

 

You're doing great with NC by the way. Just keep doing that, it's the only thing you really can do.

[soheartbroken]

I suppose you start thinking about yourself first.

 

Books on breaking up are actually great for focusing on yourself. They take your mind off the other person and focus on your feelings and self-growth. I like to come here and read other people's stories as well. Takes your mind off your own situation (sometimes) for a little while. Some people are worse off. And post.

[singledad2]

I know it's all setting me back..how do you keep such feelings and thoughts from taking over all the time?

One minute I seem alright, the next I feel sick to my stomach thinking about what he's possibly doing..if he loves me at all anymore.

 

I am soooo feeling the same right now. My stomach is all turned over. It goes in cycles and depends on what triggers it. As far as focusing on what he's doing, it only drums up the worst fears. Given that, let's talk about what FEAR is. Fear is the opposite of Faith. Fear is the devil's weapon. If you can replace Fear with Faith that there is a better plan for you it means you are getting closer to the man upstairs instead of away. Have FAITH that you will be better with someone that is focused on YOU sometime down the line. Have FAITH that you can do the things for YOU that matter. Forget whether he loves you at all anymore. Remember that the love for you that matters is inside you, and all around you. People here are spewing at you.

[singledad2]

Spewing love that is.

[icyness]

I know you probably don't want to hear it, but if I were a betting man I'd say he's with someone else.

 

People just don't wake up one day and decide they're not connected emotionally anymore, I've heard that line recently too. Something causes it.

 

Something has his attention, especially he if traveled to see you in May and everything was as good as ever. Was it?

 

Bobby, I'm so sorry, it really does hurt like nothing else.

Yes, things were wonderful when he was here. His decision to leave seemed to be made in such haste..was very cold.

That's why despite what he says, I feel very strongly there's someone else. As much as it would kill me, I just want to know the truth. He assured me each time I asked he just wanted to be alone right now which I could also see being true because there really was never a time in our relationship where I didn't get jealous if he did something with his friends. I usually gave him a hard time about it, and this was from the start. I admit, he put up with a lot from me as far as that goes.

 

The place he's at right now is worry-free; he's living in a fantasy land.

This is the first time since college he's not having to focus on school, and he has some new friends. He was frustrated with the distance, so in his mind he probably figured even though he loves me, between my nagging/insecurities and the LD, it's dead weight right now and ruining his fun.

Half of me thinks there is someone else, half of me thinks he really just wanted to be free for now. I have no clue, I just wish I knew.

That's what drives me insane; I can mull all these questions to death day and night, but at the end of the day, I'm still in the dark about it all..yet I keep doing it to myself.

 

Single and SHB, thank you very much for your kind words.

I'm so sorry you all are having to go throuth this as well..it's insane how other people can affect you. I still can't get myself to believe it half the time; so shattering how someone you love can so easily become a complete stranger. I know I want him back, yet it's not him anymore. He's not the same guy I knew and loved.

[LonelyGal]

hi I just read your thread. And want you to know I am kinda in the same boat as you, And I know how it feels to be going thou this. And like you one day I am fine, and the next I can sit and cry and want him back so bad, And no matter what anyone tells us or says " you will get over it" well it still takes time, and believe me, they told me these steps to get over a broken heart, well seems like i have been thou them steps several times, and I am still not over it, And I cant say when I will be, But I just want you to know I am thinking of you, and feel the pain, just be strong, I know its hard, But we can do it, it might take us awhile, but I guess its all up to god and time to help us heal!

[icyness]

LonelyGal, *bighugs* to you sweetheart, thank you!

I am definitely thinking of you too.

I know people are only trying to help, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard "move on" or "you'll get over it" and thought please stop it with that, lol. No seriously, I know they mean well, but it really does take time and is just not that easy.

I was actually in the middle of reading your thread so you may hear from me on there! hehe.

Hang in there, much love. xo

[Beeotch]

Cliched as it may be..only time will tell.

 

We all get gut feelings, things that don't click and so on in our lives and many times, the way we're feeling is right or later on the explanation comes to light which makes us understand why we felt so unsure. Just like how if a partner is cheating and so forth, people can feel something is off, I suppose if they have suddenly undergone a change because of "friends"...you would pick up on that.

 

In any case...all you can do is take him at his word and give him his freedom. It is probably not what you want to do as I know the feeling of NEEDING to actively do something to win this person back esp if you believe they are just misguided...

 

But only that space and freedom will allow him to come back to his senses (if such is the case that he is just being an idiot...).....that is HIS time to go through whatever experience he needs to go through and grow/learn from it. Sometimes we forget that even in relationships people sometimes have their own journeys and struggles as an individual and that everything cannot be about the relationship and these struggles a lot of times do affect relationships, even if they are still inlove etc.

 

Soooo let him have his time and keep up NC. Do not wait around for him to change...but do you. Then time will either heal your wounds or you will reunite.

[icyness]

Bee,

 

Thank you so very much; that was very uplifting.

 

I guess if we weren't LD I probably wouldn't have such strong feelings about there being someone else, who knows though.

The fact that the LD heightens everything though seems to automatically make red lights go off and I just assume he found another girl even if it's far from the case.

 

As much as I so badly want to believe he wouldn't treat me this way forever, I never thought he'd leave/act the way he did either, so who knows at this point.

My biggest wonder is if I messed up for good as far as him being my friend, as he promised he would if I just give him time..but then I went too far some days with the calls/texts. So I've just no clue what he's thinking at the moment as far as any of that.

I keep reading other people's situations and how in general, after a lot of time has passed, if the relationship was good, people will usually talk again. I know worrying does me no good, but I keep thinking if he doesn't, I'll just be crushed and have this void forever, wondering what I did to deserve it.

 

Like you said, only time will tell.

[Beeotch]

If someone really cared they must understand how hard it is for you and why you would behave the way you did and forgive you....if the person insists that they can't be your friend because you acted out due to hurt....then they really don't need to be your friend in any case because they have no compassion or understanding.

 

 

The friend thing....I realize is not something you can or should push. Think about it, our real friends are not people we had to beg and beseech to be our friends were they? No...and if they are, then that is a problem. Friendship should be voluntary and mutually beneficial. I think in break ups it is like a reflex to grab for a friendship and even do pathetic things to maintain it or achieve it....but that is not what real friendship is. A lot of times we want to hold on to them out of desperation and play ourselves with the friend thing. Nothing is wrong with being friends...when it comes together naturally for both parties...

 

But we should never have to feel like we have to seek this person out and beg them or feel unworthy and wonder if they will be our friend. I think it is just the loneliness and the missing them that is speaking....making it feel as if we cannot go on without them so we need them in some capacity....but with time the clouds DO clear....and as I said, either it will be that you guys reunite or the friendship comes together or you go your separate ways. But whatever it is, I know you will be okay and what was meant to happen will happen.

[icyness]

You're very observant and caught me! lol.

I'd be lying if I were to say I'm not looking for the friend thing to somehow possibly sneak my way back in as his girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be just friends as well if I couldn't have anything more.

We were good friends for a year first before becoming a couple, and I miss that so much.

 

I was the one who wanted to be friends. He was against it at first because he said he'll always have feelings for me and it would be too much for him, but then agreed to it for when he is ready.

Again though, some confusion did take place after that due to my breaking down which led to the begging and pleading. (I was doing really well with being nice and "agreeing" with the break-up, so wish I would have stopped there as I think he'd still be talking to me had I done so.)

 

If we are only meant to be friends though later if nothing else, I would gladly settle for that as I feel it'd be such a shame to not at least have that after everything we've been though.

[Beeotch]

Girl...I know the feeling. Most of us do.

 

I now know for the future that...no sir, I will not be chasing down a friendship. It will come together on its own. I do think though that it needs to happen GENUINELY (and not the fake, lemme-pretend to be your friend, but I want you, so eventually things get awkward and I get upset because I realize you really do treat me as nothing but a friend- way ). And usually the genuine friendship comes around when both parties are over the ordeal and especially if both have apologized about their wrongs/mistakes/hurt they caused during the break up.

 

But don't beat yourself up about the "wudda-cudda-shudda" stuff....been there too. But overtime I adopted the belief that things do work out for a reason and who knows what would REALLY have changed the situation? The truth is...you don't.

 

I had an ex before this recent one and we were also LD. The funny thing is that I told him that we had to end our relationship but we still continued acting like we were together....until our contact dwindled then diminished on HIS impetus. I was upset and confused (although initially I was the one saying we should just be friends)I emailed him a lengthy email ONCE asking for answers, I cried and moved forward. He didn't reply. I missed him and I missed our friendship and in truth having him as a friend would be cool because we got a long very welll....but somehow I moved on. Never heard a peep out of him for a year and oddly enough on my birthday this year (2 days after my current ex and I split) he popped up and emailed me some lengthy email explaining things. I was floooored! But also going through my break up and really didn't care....

 

He wanted us to be friends again and I felt fine about it because I did need some type of friend (esp the attention of one who was romantically interested in me still so would be very sensitive and caring and kind of replace the feelings a boyfriend gives without being one).....but he fell through. He would promise to call, did once and didn't anymore. Some excuse always arose. He would text every now and again...and pretty much it has been 4 months or so since I last heard from him and you now what? I don 't even care.

 

That long winded story lol was just to explain that at once I was sooo inlove with him and distraught over our relationship and I thought I would so want to be friends. But I got over the break up and found someone better (my ex) and when the friendship came around and fell through...I didn't even care anymore. I can take it or leave it *shrugs*. Soooo believe me ALL THINGS WORK OUT! And I do trust and believe that things work as they should so that is also comforting to me.

[icyness]

You have such amazing insight and the way you put things is so comforting.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that..you seem so strong from it all though.

Thanks a bunch Bee, I appreciate your thoughts. xo

[Beeotch]

You have such amazing insight and the way you put things is so comforting.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that..you seem so strong from it all though.

Thanks a bunch Bee, I appreciate your thoughts. xo

 

You're welcome. I try...because I know how it feels.

 

I appreciate you saying I am strong...I am trying. I falter every now and again but I think at this stage I am more in the last lap of getting over my ex and building myself up.

[Lish]

Stop thinking about what he said. It's just going round & round in your head and driving you insane.

 

Work on yourself. Perhaps the jealousy issue needs addressing?

 

Deal with things one thing at a time....take each minute/hour/day as it comes and just concentrate on yourself. Take the time he wants alone and use it productively (ie, getting YOURSELF better).

[icyness]

Well you're doing an amazing job Bee! I really do admire that.

 

Lish, thank you. Yes, the jealousy is a big problem, always has been for me. I've been trying to work on me, but not lately.

I got really depressed again, letting it all get to me. Taking it one day at a time though, and not that I wish this upon anyone else by any means, but it does help to come here and know others know your pain.

[Lish]

Well you're doing an amazing job Bee! I really do admire that.

 

Lish, thank you. Yes, the jealousy is a big problem, always has been for me. I've been trying to work on me, but not lately.

I got really depressed again, letting it all get to me. Taking it one day at a time though, and not that I wish this upon anyone else by any means, but it does help to come here and know others know your pain.

 

Whenever I've been hurt in the past, I've tried to ask myself if I can learn and/or take something positive from such a bad thing... and usually there's always SOMETHING you can learn. Maybe this breakup was good in the sense that it gives you the freedom to look at yourself carefully, highlight your issues and work on them. Then you'll be in a much healthier relationship in the future.

 

Good luck and as cliche as it sounds... as time goes on, it WILL get easier to cope with.