Molly46 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 My husband & I are getting a divorce & we currently still live together. We both have an interest in the house & were trying to sell it. Until it sells, im finding it increasingly difficult to live w/him because he's chatting w/other women on the internet & I know he feels this desperate need to be w/someone. He's so afraid of being alone & I guess he feels the need to hurry & find someone, even though were still married & living w/each other. I found an email that he sent to someone recently saying that although they had never met, that he loved her & thought about her all the time..ugh!! I think he's going through a mid-life crisis..he says he's so confused. He say's he doesn't know how he feels about me & it would be one thing if he truly hated me, but since he doesn't he says he's confused & can't seem to decide. I can't just sit on the back-burner while he dates other women & then decides who he wants to be with! I have more self respect than that. I can't figure out why it bothers me so much. Im the one who initiated the divorce, but it's still hard. We lost communication over the year's & weve been married for 8 yrs. Ive tried & tried to get him to talk about thing's, but he's so mysterious & wont share his feelings. This has caused us to drift apart over the last 5 yrs of our marriage. There's a wall between us now & it's growing taller & taller. He wont go to marriage counceling, he feels you have to be crazy to seek therapy. We haven't even been intimate in over 3yrs. We met on the internet & he came to the US from Europe, so we didn't exactly have the "normal" dating relationship that most others have. I think I jumped in too fast after the death of my first husband. Now were trying to sell our house, which in today's economy, might take up to a year. I dont want him to move out because I need him to continue splitting the mortgage payment & bills with me. I couldn't do it on my own. It sounds like he'll stay, because he knows he will get part of the money from the sell of the house. Why does this have to be so emotionally difficult!! My heart is breaking & I guess, until I get the house sold & get the paperwork filed for the divorce, this will continue to be a painful situation. How do I emotionally detach from him, when he's still here??
J040809 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Even though you initiated the divorce is it what you really want? What about him, does he say whether or not he wants to work it out? Try telling him how you feel, about him trying to start new relationships while still living with you.
Author Molly46 Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 It IS what I want..I know it's for the best. There are issues that cannot be resolved & he wont go to counceling, so I dont see that it will work. He has said he's been thinking about it for awhile too, he was just waiting for me to bring it up first..which I think is pretty cowardly on his part. The communication wont get better without counceling. Ive tried for over 5 yrs. And now that he's crossed the line by cheating on me, the trust is gone. It hurts because we had a great love in the beginning, but if you dont nuture your relationship over the years & you drift apart & quit communicating, then the relationship has nowhere else to go but die. I know what I need to do, its the emotional part that im having a hard time getting through..which is why I posted on this forum..i guess im just looking for support..it's tough. Today was hard too because he's been gone all day & I know he was with another woman. I tried to keep busy & I didn't accomplish anything on my "to do" list today..but hey, there's always tomorrow....just can't quit thinking about it.
LakesideDream Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Another Bizzaro World situation ! First, it's difficult, maybe impossible to be "seperated" and living in the same house. If you truely believe you are "seperated" why do you care who he's online with? It sounds like your STBXH is yet another "Green Card" marriage partner. What the heck is that all about? Why are so many women today going outside the boarders, hell outside the continent to look for a potential husband (same might be said about men looking for women, sort of). So for now you need him for his income. That's a terrible reason. Have you considered downsizing your lifestyle and striking out on your own? Co-Dependant relationships seldom succeed. I doubt your luck will change until you set some limits and make some positive changes in your life.
Author Molly46 Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 We'll, first of all, Just because I know the divorce is the best thing for us, doesn't mean that I don't still have feeling's for this man that ive been married to for 8yrs. When he's chatting w/other women online, of course it still hurts! I would have to be a totaly unfeeling person, not to be hurt. I was in love w/this man & because of the lack of communication & cheating, I know it's best that I should move on. That doesn't mean that I should just be able to turn off my feelings & not feel hurt when he's chatting online w/other women, just because I initiated the divorce & know it's for the best. Especially when he wont go to marriage counceling or at least wait until were apart before he dates. As far as the greencard, he absolutely did not come over her from Europe pretending to be in love w/me, just to get into the US. He came from an amazing & beautiful country & agonized over where we should reside. It should not be assumed that he used me to get here. He left all his friends & family & we always agreed that if he were unhappy w/the lifestyle here that we would move to Europe. And I didn't "go outside the borders" looking for a man. We just happened to find each other & fell in love. Your right, using someone for their income is not a good reason for two people to be together. Im not using him for his money. I only mentioned that my hope is that he will stay in the house until it sells, because not only is his name on the title to the house, but I simply cannot afford a full mortage & all the bill's by myself & ive told him this. Im a realist & just know I can't possibly survive without his financial support...which has been there all along through the marriage. So if he were to up & leave, it would really leave me up a creek without a paddle. Im not after him for his money, I simply know how scary the thought is if I were to be left w/this huge mess if he were to take off all of a sudden. "downsize" ??? If I downsize anymore, I will be eating cheerios & living on the street! lol Im not a woman who spends money lavishly, nor do I have a lot of fancy material items in my possesion. I live simply & spend money very cautiously...hmmmm "striking out on my own" - gee, I guess I will be doing that once this divorce is over with. Until then, I need to continue living in my house until it sells. Not sure how I can strike out on my own, pay rent somewhere else, along with a house mortgage..doesn't make any sense to me.
LakesideDream Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Molly, I guess you'll have to hang out, put up with whatever your STBXH decides he wants to do, and hope he continues to be generous. There really isn't much to discuss is there. You've in it for financial reasons, he's out looking for romance. I'm sorry you are caught in such a blatent no win situation.
Gunny376 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Don't go looking for rattlesnakes where you might find them! Just that plain and simple! And tell the STBXH not to leave any laying out and about! If he thinks he's going to find "true love" through the internet? He's sad and mistaken. If he's already looking for such and not even divorced? He's going to get his @zz handed to him on a platter!
Gunny376 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Not to hijack! But good to see you back on the board again Lakeside! Hope all is well with you Capt! Semper Fi!
LakesideDream Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Not to hijack! But good to see you back on the board again Lakeside! Hope all is well with you Capt! Semper Fi! I'm healthy, and well. I read everyday, and post a little now and again. Keeping away from the highs and lows Guns, living smooth.
Gunny376 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I'm healthy, and well. I read everyday, and post a little now and again. Keeping away from the highs and lows Guns, living smooth. Its all gravy from here on out! SemperFi ~ Mac! (Marine talk! Speak For those that don't understand! Marines speak a differnet language! that civilains don't comprehend! nor understand?)
Author Molly46 Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks Gunny, appreciate your thought's...by the way, thank you for your service-(past or present). My son is in Iraq right now, soon coming home & I thank him every day for what he does ..can't wait to see him home safe again...He's a good support, especially in this difficult time...
CheatedOnHusband Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Hi Molly, reading your post, I believe you still love/have strong feelings for each other despite the current mess. Probably divorce isn't the answer here, but rather a heart to heart talk to rekindle what brought you two together. Get an objective mutual friend who he respects to talk to him if he is adverse to counselling. You sound like a very reasonable person who is hurt by actions of your husband, either valid or otherwise. I doubt if he dislikes you, else he will be long gone. Heprobably is acting on his 'new' found freedom, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side!
hopesndreams Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Being together in the house until it is sold might give him the time he needs to get his head out of his azz. Shame he's out all night doing gawd knows what and you are left at home wringing your hands. But, you have laid down the law to him, you won't back down, you are using your head and not your heart, your emotions are not taking over. He knows the score. You are doing the right things to try and save the marriage, if that is a possible outcome. You, lady, are not a doormat. Good on ya. I hate cheerios.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I hate cheerios. I love Chreerios! Especially the milk and sugar taste!
Recommended Posts