I want to save my marriage

[carriejay]

I have never actually posted on one of these things before but I need to gain some perspective on my marriage. My husband and I were married three years ago. I had graduated from a fairly prestigious school while my husband had attended community college. This never made a difference in our relationship until right before our wedding. He decided to apply for late acceptance to a school about 300 miles away from where he lived because he wanted a better degree. I supported his decision.

 

He was accepted and we moved about a month before we were married. The area we moved to wasn't great for my career but I accepted a mediocre job because my husband would be in school full-time, only working part-time, and I needed to find a job right away. My husband worked nights, took day and night classes and we rarely saw each other. I hadn't made many friends in the new city yet so I relied a lot on my family to keep me from being lonely. As you can probably guess, although my husband was good to my family, this started to cause some tension between us and them.

 

So we rarely saw each other, money was tight, there were family issues, we both missed our friends back home, and I didn't really care for my job. We were still pretty solid as a coupld, I think sometimes overly confident, because we knew it was only temporary. We were planning to move after he graduated, to a city where could both be fulfilled by our careers, get some money behind us and start our "real" life together. Sounds pretty naive now.

 

After 3 years of living this life together (which was only supposed to be two to begin with and will end up being a total of 3.5 years), my husband will graduate in January. I started making preparations to move, just a few things before the snow flies. This apparently started to freak out my husband.

 

Suddenly, he said he is not sure he wants to move. He said he would miss his friends and family if we moved. That he never wanted to move that it was all me (which isn't true since he picked a city I had never thought about before). That our moving would require him to sell his tools and his car and he doesn't want to do that. Frankly, he's being a big baby.

 

I told him to slow down and take a few days to think about what he was saying. So he took two days away and came back and said nothing to me. He didn't tell me what he thought about or where he is in his decision making process. So I got upset and since our communication has gone downhill. On the nights we do have together, he spends most of the time with his friends. Everything has to be his way lately from how the furniture is arranged to what we have for dinner. He says he's going through a lot right now and I just have to be patient.

 

I say I have been patient for 3 years and throughout our entire marriage--putting my career on hold, moving away from my friends and family, putting our financial security at risk, being alone most of the time. I know he has worked hard. But I have been doing all of this with a certain promise of how our life would be when it is all over.

 

Now I feel like I am being a mean parent or something. Like either I am forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do or have to baby him along. Or I have to give up those dreams we once shared and stay and make the best of this.

 

Am I overreacting? I did make the choice to move with him and I should take responsibility for that. Am I just keeping score here and should let it go? I don't know what to do. It has caused all this tension between us and I don't know how to get back to where we were before.

[Vet]

Before you were married, did you both agree that it was temporary until he graduated? If not, what were your future plans after he did? It's a little unclear from your post, but did he move 300 miles from where you were both living and you moved with him, or were you both in different cities and moved together? Was the place he moved to where he was from or where his family is? Sounds like he did from, "He said he would miss his friends and family if we moved."

 

Obviously you don't like living where you're living. That's the first problem. You miss your family and friends and you don't like your job (have you looked for another in your area?). You need to ask yourself what's more important: your marriage to him or not living in the area where you are. You should look at the worst case scenario: he doesn't want to move ever and wants you both to settle where you're at. Are you okay with that? If that's not a possibility, how attached is he to you? Would he leave you over moving? Does he have solid career prospects where you're at? Do you?

 

You need to let go of the resentment over moving to where you're at now. That's in the past and won't change the future. You both need to sit down together and discuss this in terms of your future. You can't tell him to take a few days and come back to you with what he's going to do. You're married, and your future together means working through your problems, as a couple. You're also probably going to have to compromise--if he's willing to move somewhere else but not back to your family, will you be okay with that?

 

It also sounds like you're badmouthing him to your family. If that's the case, you need to stop that for the sake of your marriage. I know you're lonely where you're at and miss them, but you and your husband are a unit now. You should both treat the other's reputations like you would your own. Your family doesn't get his side of the problems that are going on (no matter how objective you're being), they only get your take. You're just venting about him, but they can't forgive him like you can.

[carriejay]

Thanks, Vet. To answer a few of your questions:

 

Yes, before we were married, we agreed that the move here would be temporary.

 

We were living together in the same city when we moved.

 

The city where we were living previously is where is from and where his family is, not here.

 

Our plans were not to move back to where we live. We are currently in the Midwest and planned to move to the West Coast.

 

Where we previously lived is not where my family is. I do not intend to move to where my family is.

 

I have not said one bad word about my husband to my family, nor to any of our friends. I realize that is not fair. It's one of the reasons I posted on this page because I wanted to tell the story to a neutral party.

 

I have not looked for another job because this one pays well and has the benefits we need. And the time here is supposed to be temporary.

 

You're right, I am not happy here and I need to let go of my resentment. It's overwhelming now, after having the idea that this all just is temporary, that I may have to make it permenant. Which would mean again, switching jobs or going back to school myself, since it is really difficult to find a job in my field here. Maybe you're right and I just need to get through mourning the future I was looking forward to.

[Vet]

Thanks, Vet. To answer a few of your questions:

 

Yes, before we were married, we agreed that the move here would be temporary.

 

We were living together in the same city when we moved.

 

The city where we were living previously is where is from and where his family is, not here.

 

Our plans were not to move back to where we live. We are currently in the Midwest and planned to move to the West Coast.

 

Where we previously lived is not where my family is. I do not intend to move to where my family is.

 

I have not said one bad word about my husband to my family, nor to any of our friends. I realize that is not fair. It's one of the reasons I posted on this page because I wanted to tell the story to a neutral party.

 

I have not looked for another job because this one pays well and has the benefits we need. And the time here is supposed to be temporary.

 

You're right, I am not happy here and I need to let go of my resentment. It's overwhelming now, after having the idea that this all just is temporary, that I may have to make it permenant. Which would mean again, switching jobs or going back to school myself, since it is really difficult to find a job in my field here. Maybe you're right and I just need to get through mourning the future I was looking forward to.

 

Good, glad to hear you're using this forum for what it's for. Sorry if it sounded like I was assuming things you weren't doing.

 

I don't think you need to mourn the future you were looking forward to. Marriage should open up opportunities, not close them. You should both take each other's dreams into account and find the most equitable solution to fulfilling them. Staying here if you are miserable is going to ruin your marriage, and he needs to see that. He can't just decide you're going to stay where you're staying without your input. You won't be able to keep that up forever. It's easier said than done, but you have to communicate with each other.

[giotto]

difficult one... as you have found out, marriage equals compromise, actually compromises, and lots of them. Unfortunately, when it's you compromising, you have to be very careful not to resent your partner for the sacrifices you are making. You are suppose to love your husband/wife and support them, even if you feel that you are the one making the sacrifices.

 

In your case, I think it's not fair that your husband changed his mind. It's his turn to stick to his part of the bargain. I'm sure you are hurt and resentful, but you need to communicate and solve the problem together. You are married after all. And importantly, never throw anything back at him. You agreed to compromise, remember?

 

I would say marriage is a big compromise itself. I supported my wife when she went back to college, leaving a well paid job, that she hated. She now works in a very demanding job, really badly paid, and I really resent that. By now, we should be debt-free, enjoying life, but we are stuck. If she made what I make, we would be laughing. But I agreed to it, because I wanted to see her happy. Her new job has only brought more misery to me, and to my family life, but I never mention it, because it would unfair on my wife... so, please talk to each other and if you decide on a plan, don't resent it afterwards...

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that you do have to accept that things change. But regardless of whether you move or stay, the two of you will have to find some basis of agreement. Is there a third choice, perhaps somewhere in between?

 

Mr. Lucky