if he doesn't choose me

[lovekicksyourbutt]

So its been close to 3 1/2 years and we're both old enough for this.

 

He isn't close to asking me to marry him and he makes a ton more money then me and lives in a huge 2 bd room apt that I found for him. I live in a tiny 1 bd that is almost too much for me to afford.

 

I laid it all out for him. If we moved in together I would be living financially more comfortably. And just because he can afford to blow $700 in rent a month doesn't mean he should. I mean we would both be saving between $200-$300 a month.

 

So I told him, we move into together or we get married. I never thought he would ask for a third option which I gave as us breaking up. I mean, we need to progress in our relationship. I'm going on 30! My clock is ticking. Years ago we took a break (he requested and it was less then 2 weeks) and I told him when he wanted to come back that I couldnt go through that again. If he came back that meant we were in it for the long haul.

 

In a conversation gone wrong he told me he was tired of lying and not telling the truth. And i know that he said this when he was backed in a corner, but still what is that sup to mean? He said he liked living alone, he liked being alone too much.

 

Now I'm screwed bc either we dont move into together and I have to stick to my guns and end it. Or we end up moving in together even though he doesn't want it which can only end badly.

 

I chose him, I love him. He is who I want to be with forever, but what if all along he's just been saying what he thinks I want to hear to keep things going smoothly? What if he never wants to get married? Never have kids?

 

What I thought would be a simple decision to move in has now turned into the possible end of our relationship. Did I pick the wrong battle?

 

I need an outside opinion....

[LucreziaBorgia]

It does not sound to me like he is in this for marriage, and that he likes things just like they are. If you want a husband and children, this isn't the man to have those with.

[vivrantflo]

You didn't chose the wrong battle, but it appears that the two of you are not on the same wavelength here.

 

I'll be honest, if I was with a woman for 3.5 years, I live on my own, and Im happy the way things are, I would be a little taken back if my chick gives me a choice to either get married, or live with her. I'd ask for the 3rd option too!

 

What if your man is just not ready to live with someone?? And if that's the case, he's definately not ready to get married! You say he can afford to spend 7 bills on a two bedroom apartment, so maybe thats the lifestyle he wants to live right now.

 

Dude loves his money, and loves his space. I understand you may be struggling, but he doesn't appear to be too eager to help support you.

 

Bottom line, you're not going to move in with him, at least for now. So you gotta decide if you want to stick it out with him, or end it, and start the dating game again at age 30.

 

Aside from your situation, Im against this biological clock reasoning. That "clock" is a huge reason why a lot of couples get married too fast or for the wrong reasons.

 

You need to sit him down, and ask him what he wants in life. In terms of marriage, kids, and living arrangements. If his answers don't sit well with you at all, or you can't come to a mutual agreement, then the relationship may have run it's course.

[Trialbyfire]

Never throw out an ultimatum you're unwilling to stand firm on. In backpedaling, you're basically showing him that anything you say, is meaningless.

 

I'm not certain if your motivations are worth an ultimatum. He's not responsible for making life easier for you. Have you considered finding a roommate instead of putting this onto your b/f?

 

For that matter, if your b/f is unable to commit to a future and it's what you want, it sounds like a future goals compatibility issue and it really is time to move on and find someone who not only has the same goals in life but also sees you as part of this plan.

[Beeotch]

So its been close to 3 1/2 years and we're both old enough for this.

 

He isn't close to asking me to marry him and he makes a ton more money then me and lives in a huge 2 bd room apt that I found for him. I live in a tiny 1 bd that is almost too much for me to afford.

 

I laid it all out for him. If we moved in together I would be living financially more comfortably. And just because he can afford to blow $700 in rent a month doesn't mean he should. I mean we would both be saving between $200-$300 a month.

 

So I told him, we move into together or we get married. I never thought he would ask for a third option which I gave as us breaking up. I mean, we need to progress in our relationship. I'm going on 30! My clock is ticking. Years ago we took a break (he requested and it was less then 2 weeks) and I told him when he wanted to come back that I couldnt go through that again. If he came back that meant we were in it for the long haul.

 

In a conversation gone wrong he told me he was tired of lying and not telling the truth. And i know that he said this when he was backed in a corner, but still what is that sup to mean? He said he liked living alone, he liked being alone too much.

 

Now I'm screwed bc either we dont move into together and I have to stick to my guns and end it. Or we end up moving in together even though he doesn't want it which can only end badly.

 

I chose him, I love him. He is who I want to be with forever, but what if all along he's just been saying what he thinks I want to hear to keep things going smoothly? What if he never wants to get married? Never have kids?

 

What I thought would be a simple decision to move in has now turned into the possible end of our relationship. Did I pick the wrong battle?

 

I need an outside opinion....

 

Perhaps the way it was done seemed pushy/aggressive and more pressuring...HOWEVER, you have to be honest about what you want out of your relationship and where you see yourself.

 

If you guys are not headed in the same direction....then perhaps a break up is what is necessary.

 

Maybe you guys could have communicated this better...

 

I won't say that if he wanted to marry you and if he loved you he would have and all that...as it is not that simple (and honestly some posters like to propose these 1+1 = 2 situations when the reality is sometimes more convoluted).You can love someone and not be ready for marriage or to move in and you pressuring them won't make them change their mind. Further it would have been WORST perhaps if he agreed to marry you/let you move in out of being forced....when he truly wasn't ready as you would end up in the same position or worst.

 

These decisions are things you want him to do voluntarily.

 

Now is the time to perhaps examine the relationship and see if it is a dead end. See the reality and not just try to jump back in it because you miss him. Take some time to assess the situation and see what is best.

 

Also perhaps he doesn't want your financial comfort to depend on him...

 

I think you really should sit down and think this one through. As it seems there might be issues going on with you and things you need to do for yourself that are outside of him, his money and the relationship.