moonbeam125 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Alright, so here's the Coles notes version which I'm hoping someone can shed some light on... I met this guy online and we've had one meeting and then one official date. During the second date, we made out for a long time and I think that probably set the tone for his expectations. Yesterday we had our second date and it was a lot of fun, I really see a lot of potential in this guy because I feel like we connect on an emotional and intellectual level...our conversations are deep and we exchange ideas. And then, due to my lapse of judgment I agree to go over to his place before driving home...for whatever reason it didn't occur to me that he wanted sex. Haha...so I refused and he wanted to know why, so I told him I was a virgin and then he said that now he feels a sense of responsibility, that this sort of thing has never happened to him before. He said he had a hard time believing me because of the kisses we shared last week. He said for the first time he actually felt like he missed someone, which rarely happens. Now he could have been just feeding me a line, but I genuinely do believe him. I asked him what he wanted out of this, and he said he wasn't sure but that he could tell that because this was my first, I was probably looking for something long term. So we made out in his bed, but he didn't force himself on me and we didn't have sex. I still like the guy and he was really sweet before, but I'll admit that this situation kinda ruined it for me (and probably him as well). He lent me a book at the end of the night said "thank you" for the date (he did the same thing after our first coffee date) and that he'd "see me around"...so I'm thinking this is pretty much over, right? Thing is, I'd see him again...I'm just not ready to have sex with anyone just yet...heh
Hkizzle Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Want an honest take? I've had sex with two virgins. The first time we were both young. The second time I was 27 and the girl was 22 and it was her first time. At that time I didn't expect a girl at 22 would still be a virgin. If I knew she was a virgin I probably wouldn't have gone after her, because once you know you are taking someone's virginity there's sense of responsibility (like this guy said in your story). I liked her a lot so went on with it anyway. However at the time I was really thinking of calling it quits. See, a lot of guys can start something with a girl even if lukewarm. If things go wrong they don't feel guilt. When a guy knows a girl is a virgin then all of a sudden they feel the guilt if they're only lukewarm. This guy was only looking for a good time. When he realized you were a virgin and his commitment level wasn't 100% he backed out.
skjd1220 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Almost the exact same thing just happened to a friend of mine the other week. Things were going well this a guy she was seeing and then she told him he was a virgin. He sort of freaked out and shared this same idea about responsibility and guilt. Basically, he wanted to 'think about it' and in the end, decided he was ready for sex but not a commitment so he ended things with her. In the end, I think she's lucky he did because he showed his true colors early on. Oddly enough, I have another friend who was a virgin and when she told her boyfriend, he was totally fine with it and viewed it as a good thing and a sign of how much she liked him when she was ready to sleep with him. They ended up dating long term and are now married. Point is, the right guy won't react badly and the ones that do are likely just in it for the sex. It'll help you weed out the jerks early on...hopefully.
Hkizzle Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Point is, the right guy won't react badly and the ones that do are likely just in it for the sex. It'll help you weed out the jerks early on...hopefully. Exactly. A guy that truly likes the girl won't feel scared. A jerk that went in looking for the sex is met with a guilt trip and backs off.
Author moonbeam125 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 thanks for your input! I really appreciate it and it's good to see that my line of thinking is on the same page... I'm hoping he sticks around, but likely he won't and that's okay...funny thing is, if we were dating for a bit longer, I would have probably just gone ahead with having sex, but just after two dates, it felt too soon. He did say that unlike other girls he's dated, they were all looks but no substance (I hesitate to use the beach blonde stereotype) but I am "cute" apparently and also offer substance. He feels completely comfortable talking to me and telling me his thoughts. He did also say that he's glad that I didn't just sleep with him because I'd probably get eaten alive with this whole online dating thing...heh. I think the best course of action is to just leave him alone, give him space and if he contacts me again, great, if not, no huge lost. At most, I'll let him know when I'm done reading the book he lent. I would assume he wants it back, but if he doesn't, then I'm all for a free book...lol
Hkizzle Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 thanks for your input! I really appreciate it and it's good to see that my line of thinking is on the same page... I'm hoping he sticks around, but likely he won't and that's okay...funny thing is, if we were dating for a bit longer, I would have probably just gone ahead with having sex, but just after two dates, it felt too soon. He did say that unlike other girls he's dated, they were all looks but no substance (I hesitate to use the beach blonde stereotype) but I am "cute" apparently and also offer substance. He feels completely comfortable talking to me and telling me his thoughts. He did also say that he's glad that I didn't just sleep with him because I'd probably get eaten alive with this whole online dating thing...heh. I think the best course of action is to just leave him alone, give him space and if he contacts me again, great, if not, no huge lost. At most, I'll let him know when I'm done reading the book he lent. I would assume he wants it back, but if he doesn't, then I'm all for a free book...lol You're saying that because you feel attracted to him. Men (and women) can generate feelings of comfort and connection in the other person, doesn't mean they're going to be a decent longer term partner. Generally people good at building comfort have: 1) Good conversation skills 2) Good listeners 3) Can identify what's important to the other person and then focus on that in a conversation. A jerk or bitch can alter their personality for short bursts in order to make themselves more attractive at the beginning. The red flag I see here is he's scared to have sex with a virgin which shows sex rather than commitment was his initial aim. Well at least he's honest about his intentions, but you should read the message the way it's intended. He's looking for sex and not commitment.
loveslife Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 The red flag I see here is he's scared to have sex with a virgin which shows sex rather than commitment was his initial aim. Well at least he's honest about his intentions, but you should read the message the way it's intended. He's looking for sex and not commitment. I completely disagree. Maybe he just feels weird about her being a virgin. Or maybe he doesn't believe her and thinks she's playing a game (remember, he said he had a hard time believing her.) He seems like a decent guy. This might just be very new (haha virgin) territory for him. There is a middle ground between out for sex and ready to commit in the first week.
Hkizzle Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I completely disagree. Maybe he just feels weird about her being a virgin. Or maybe he doesn't believe her and thinks she's playing a game (remember, he said he had a hard time believing her.) He seems like a decent guy. This might just be very new (haha virgin) territory for him. There is a middle ground between out for sex and ready to commit in the first week. This is why men and women get manipulated by the other sex. They find excuses for the other person. Exactly, he feels weird about her being a virgin, that's why I was explaining the psychology behind it. If a guy really wanted to be with a girl then being a virgin isn't an issue, if however he was looking for a good time, it is. He was even honest enough to say: "He did also say that he's glad that I didn't just sleep with him because I'd probably get eaten alive with this whole online dating thing...heh." he's saying she needs to be more careful. At least he's honest but that doesn't mean he's looking for commitment. black and white is good. It's because people have created so many greys that manipulative people manage to get in, greys allows for denial and excuses. Manipulative people love grey.
Author moonbeam125 Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I just wanted to say that my relationship with this guy is officially over as of yesterday. Since September when we were "friends" (no sex, just making out and occasional dinner dates every few weeks)...I know that I consciously hung on, hoping we'd develop into a serious relationship, which obviously didn't happen. I also knew that we were going nowhere and I was being strung along...so I know I will miss the brief time we spent together. The only thing I was really upset about was the fact that he chose to tell me that he had met someone else over IM. I would think that a handful of dates, knowing each other for 2-3 months, kissing, and almost having sex would have at least warranted an in-person "break up". Obviously not. And especially when we had made plans on Friday to meet on Sunday, he really could have waited until then...telling me the day before over IM is not only cowardly, but disrespectful. If you still want to be "friends" (completely platonic now, of course) then have the decency to say it to my face. Clearly he didn't glean anything from the time we were together, because he should know full well that I wouldn't have cried, lashed out, or done anything to hurt him or get him back. I'm disappointed, yes, but I'm happy for him...I'm just upset that he took the easy way out...
Jacob6 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Don't worry and be confident. You will get lots of help and support from the site Dating Books It is an on-line Advice for people wanting to date and seeking to build new relationships with the opposite sex. The site shares very innovative self-improvement techniques in a holistic approach to dating. You can track some of the success stories and succeed yourself by enrolling into their programs. The success of the site has also caught the attention of many well known magazines.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I'm one of those girls that jumped into having sex too fast but I'm happy to find out you didn't give in. At least now you know the kind of person he is from the kind of person you actually would want to share your first time with. Don't worry about missing an opportunity with him, since you're going to be a great catch for when the right guy comes along.
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