J040809 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years now. We have two kids together both under the age of two. Things have gotten to where we fight all the time. I dont feel like he is not a partner. He never does what he says he is going to do. If I say anything half the time or more he doesn't even respond. I feel like I don't exist. There is no affection, communication, nothing. He has lied to me, therefore I don't believe anything he says now. I am so unhappy and I tell him what I need and I think he just doesn't care. I don't know where to go from here. Counseling is not something I'm in too. I just think it would be one more thing to fight about. I have no one to talk to about all of this. I don't know what to do.
tojaz Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years now. We have two kids together both under the age of two. Things have gotten to where we fight all the time. I dont feel like he is not a partner. He never does what he says he is going to do. If I say anything half the time or more he doesn't even respond. I feel like I don't exist. There is no affection, communication, nothing. He has lied to me, therefore I don't believe anything he says now. I am so unhappy and I tell him what I need and I think he just doesn't care. I don't know where to go from here. Counseling is not something I'm in too. I just think it would be one more thing to fight about. I have no one to talk to about all of this. I don't know what to do. I would rethink the stance on counseling first off, it sounds like just what you asking us for. Either way, yo need to elaborate a bit on your situation so we know what were talking about. Lots of good advice here, keep posting. TOJAZ
gw326 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 As tojaz said rethinking counseling is a good idea.My wife and i were planning on counseling but never made it that far.We knew we were having problems.I'm totally with you on the no communication,affection part as my wife and i went through the same thing.We had problems,but i always figured we would work through them.Something i wish we did that you might want to do is sit down with him and tell him your thoughts.Tell him how you feel.Once he knows that then you can work on regaining what made you two both happy at one point in time. Take care
Author J040809 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 For some background.. It seems that all of our issues and fights started coming up when about four years ago my husband started falling asleep all the time. When he was talking, eating, standing, nothing would keep him awake. To me it seemed like he just didnt want to be with me. I would wait for him to come home from work and I would be so happy to spend some time together and he would sit down and just "pass out". At first we thought maybe he just needs more sleep. Not the case, ever since it has gotten worse. I feel like I have to babysit him all the time! He has fallen asleep in the shower! This has started so many problems. He never pays any attention to me, no affection, or talking. We can't ever go out and do anything. Why pay to go see a movie, when he will sleep through it, again I will be by myself. He has in the past month been diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP. Which so far has done nothing to help keep him awake for "family time". Anyways, that has made it impossible for us to even have a conversation. I get so angry, because it seems to me that he doesn't care about how I feel. I tell him this and he just says that he does care. The beginning of the year I started to talk about separating and I also brought up counseling at that time. Both of us know that it would be so hard to be separated financially. I am stay at home Mom going to school, and he is the one that works. I just can't take anymore of this. Constant fighting about the same things, as I mentioned before no affection and communication. I used to be so desperate and I would basically beg him to just act like I am here! When I said that to him one night, he closed his eyes and went to sleep. That was probably one of my lowest moments. I am afraid that this will start to affect our kids. At some point they will notice that he is always sleeping and not being an active parent. I know how this feels and I don't want them to feel like they are being ignored and not good enough to receive his attention. I'm lost on this....
tojaz Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 If that is the issue, i don't see the logic in divorcing over a medical issue. Is there any other treatment he could try? TOJAZ
obscure Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Your husband most likely has a medical condition called sleep apnea. When he goes to bed at night he never achieves the deepest sleep cycle known as R.E.M. sleep, therefore, his brain shuts down without his knowing during the day as it needs sleep to keep functioning. There is a simple test and solution for sleep apnea. Get him some help right away and save your marriage. Your husband isn't himself right now, but in a few weeks could be back to his old self.
Author J040809 Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 He has been on some treatments for the sleep apnea. It hasn't worked. This would not be the only reason for us separating and/or divorcing. As I said in the previous post the sleeping problem seemed to bring on other issues. Take away the sleeping problem and the other problems remain. Attention, affection, communication, etc. All of it together, its miserable.
CheatedOnHusband Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Hi J04... what about 'For better and for worst, in sickness and in health'? He is a sick man with no control of the situation. He probably is embarass that he found himself in this situation, which probably is affecting every other things. Now, think of it this way ... if the table is turned, would you be ahppy if you husband gives up on you? This is the time for you to put the family together and stay by his side. He is a sick man. Marriage, IMHO is the embodiment of joy, sorrow, happiness, sadness, memories - good and bad ... He needs you now than ever.
IwonderY Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Allow me to explain some things about sleep apnea. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and was setup with a cpap. I didn't follow through on the therapy and almost lost my life/marriage. My work commute is 154 miles round trip. Every afternoon I was very drowsy and it has been by the grace of god I didn't kill myself or worse yet some innocent motorist I went back to the doctor 5 months ago because I barley had enough energy to get to work put in a 8 to 10 hour day and drive home. This has had a negative impact on my marriage and my relationship with my kids. I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and was called back to the doctors office the day after my sleep study. They wanted me on a machine ASAP. They were afraid I might have a stroke in my sleep. With some people the change once they get proper treatment is literally overnight. They wake up the next day full of energy and ready to take on the world. Some of us take up to a year to see improvement. I have noticed after 4 months of CPAP therapy that i feel better. Not anywhere near 100% but better than I was. Let me tell you about severe sleep deprivation. You really have no idea how bad you feel because its the way you have always felt. It effects all of the different areas of your life. When you are sleep deprived many of the things you mentioned that your H has are exasperated. In general life sucks. Google sleep apnea and look at some of the forums and read some of the stories. Give him some time to adjust, you might just get the man you married back.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 sounds like his sleep apnea is worse than first diagnosed, get that seen to right away...you are his best hope for regaining normal, then seriously get counseling and find someone you both like, then he may also need some medication...keep your head girl and do things for you but don't give up everything...sounds to me like you can get it back seriously...
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 You haven't told us if he's overweight or not.. methink he is.. If the machine for sleep apnea hasn't worked.. then he needs to get an operation... It is a very serious medical issue.. but methink he is 'lazy' a bit too..
Author J040809 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 IwonderY, Thank you for the info! My Husband has promised to call his Dr today and try to get something figured out. It seems like you understand how this problem really can affect a relationship. Lizzie60, he could lose 15 or 20 but the sleep apnea he was diagnosed with is Significant Obstructive airway sleep apnea. What I have read about that is sometimes it does need to be repaired surgically. At this point his Dr hasn't ordered any more testing, other then the sleep studies. I don't want anyone to think that I would be willing to divorce because of a medical issue. The sleep apnea is definitely part of the problem, and may make our other issues seem worse because of it.Thank you all that have been posting! It has helped me so much!
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