inagreen Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I am at lost. I have been with my current/ ex partner for 5 years, and at this very moment in time I feel as though I am incapable of making rational or logical judgments, as my emotions overwhelms all processes of thought. Each time I try to break down the issues and events that have happened which resulted the end of our relationship; I could not come up with a solid conclusion of what I should feel, nor the next step that I should take. I am simply going to write about the facts of what has happened over the past 5 years, the flaws and faults of both parties in the hope of finding a suitable conclusion. So please bear with me, as this will take a while to read through. Me and my partner ‘A’ first got together in August 2004. Prior to us engaging in a relationship I had simply gotten out of a 1.5 year relationship with someone else, ‘J’ whom at the time I loved dearly. I met ‘J’ in a forum back in late 2002, and we sort of got along and I thought the world of him then. Online tricks played my mind and I was infatuated with ‘J’. At the time ‘J’ lived in California, whilst I was based in south east Asia. Eventually I made all efforts to be with ‘J’, visiting him twice in California for 3 weeks at a time during our 1.5 year relationship. Until May 2004, ‘J’ finally confessed that he feels it could not work between us as the brutal honesty is that he could not see how we could be together as he has a preference over Japanese women – at the time I have been trying to convinced myself and ‘J’ that we could work it out, that I’d follow him to Japan, to study and live with him should he wish to move there. He wasn’t too keen on the idea and broke up with me early May 2004. I was utterly devastated, and decided that instead of going to Japan (I had prepared myself for 1.5 years to attend a university in Japan) I was going to further my studies in the UK as many of my friends/ family members reside in the country and could not bear the thought of being somewhere where I knew ‘J’ would be in the future, hence started applying for universities for intakes in September 2004. I managed to secure several interviews at various universities; looking for comfort I joined a dating website, at the time called Tickle Matchmaking. That was when I had met my partner ‘A’ who lived in Yorkshire. I didn’t inform ‘A’ of my troubles at the time, we simply exchanged long emails with regards to our interests and chatted to each other daily, until 2 weeks after ‘J’ broke up with me, ‘J’ came back to say that he would like to give us another chance. That he would visit me for the first time in my home country and see if we could work things out. As I was already in love with ‘J’ at the time, I simply agreed. I could tell that ‘A’ had developed some feelings towards me, to which I realised that it was only right for me to tell him the truth about me and ‘J’ – about the fact that ‘J’ is coming over to see if we could work things out and get together and also the fact that it may not happen. To this, ‘A’ still kept in touch with me but I kept my distance from ‘A’ as to not give him any hope. When ‘J’ arrived early July 2004, we got back together and for the 2 weeks that he was there it felt as though it was a dream. I thought that was it, that we were going to end up together and when he left for Japan, things would work out as we’ve said to each other that he would visit me in the UK and I’ll see him in Japan during our holidays. A few days after ‘J’ left, I went to the UK for my interviews, and only to find out that ‘J’ wanted to break up as he had met someone else, a Japanese lady that he thought he’d pursue. He was blunt and honest about it and the moment he had said it I thought my whole life was over. I then got back in touch with ‘A’, informed him I was in the country and we met for the first time. I told ‘A’ everything about what’s happened, and the fact that I was utterly devastated, but ‘A’ confessed to me at the time that he was already in love with me. I jumped to the conclusion to be with ‘A’ from then on, early August 2004 to which ‘A’ knew he was no more than a rebound. It was a cruel truth, but the extent of ‘A’s feelings for me was utterly strong to the point where he didn’t care if I had loved him or not as he thinks once I’ve gotten over ‘J’ I would be able to love him. We started living together in late September 2004, as he moved to Manchester with me, commuting daily to his work place in Leeds. At the time he was really caring, understanding, compassionate, romantic and very thoughtful. ‘A’ was the boyfriend that anyone could ever dream of. I am by nature a hopeless romantic, extremely passionate, thoughtful, honest and loyal, so it seemed that things would work well between us. At the time from the moment ‘J’ and I broke up, we have been regularly in touch with each other as I was still in love with ‘J’. All the while that we kept in touch, I always showed ‘A’ the emails I sent and received from ‘J’ as I felt as though he deserved to know the truth and be kept in the loop. In late October 2004, ‘A’ then confessed stating that he could no longer take the communication between me and ‘J’ and that I had to choose to either end the communication or end our relationship. I realised that ‘A’ was right and informed him that I would no longer be in touch with ‘J’ as it was the right thing to do. From that moment on, I’ve never spoken to nor communicated with ‘J’. ‘J’ was simply out of my life. As the time went on, I realised that my feelings started to develop very strongly for ‘A’, however knowing that ‘A’ loved me so much, I tend to take him for granted. I didn’t treat him badly as such, however most of the time when we have arguments about how I think he should treat me and it would not go my way, I would go in a corner and sulked until he would come to comfort me. From September 2004 to June 2005, our lives is such that ‘A’ commutes daily from Manchester to Leeds, which resulted into him arriving back at 7.30 pm each night, and on Friday nights a little later as he will have a few drinks with his work mates. Whilst for me I go to University during the day, see my friends, ‘A’ would call me for at least 20 minutes for lunch each time and I’d see ‘A’ after he’d finished work. I was quite content on how things were between us. After 4-5 months being together with ‘A’ I noticed ‘A’s behaviour started to change, he’d not show me as much random affection as he used to, nor was he doing the little things he did and most nights we would watch TV and ‘A’ would seemed rather indifferent. We would cuddle with each other but I noticed that he’d never kiss me nor say he loved me unless I asked him to do so (we do routine kisses and I love yous when we go to bed and wake up in the morning) to which he stated the reason why he is indifferent is due to the travelling which had taken its toll on him. In July 2005 he finally secured a job in Manchester and we also moved to the city centre, hence his work place was merely 20 minutes walk from home whilst my university was a mere 15 minutes walk. We’d see each other for lunch every day from Monday to Friday for about 45-50 minutes and we’d spend more time together which I was very happy about. When ‘A’ moved to Manchester he didn’t have any friends, and when I asked if he’s going out for beers on Friday nights, he replied that he didn’t click or get on well with his new colleagues. Hence we’d spend more and more time together. In September 2005 I went back to my home country to visit my family for a month. We had planned that ‘A’ would come and have a holiday 2 weeks after Id left so we could spend the remaining 2 weeks together in my home country before heading back to the UK. I remember just before I had left for the airport, ‘A’ had hold me tight and tears started pouring down his cheeks, I couldn’t contained myself and I cried too. We had been so close to each other and I was the only person he had in Manchester and now would have to settle to live by himself for 2 weeks. Whilst I was in my home country, ‘A’ would call me frequently and we’d also have webcam with each other, hence it wasn’t too bad for ‘A’. Several days before he’d left for my country, he stated that he had thought things through and that he’d wanted to get married to me and have a family. To which I replied we can do so after I graduate, and that he would have to learn and convert to my religion. Which he was very keen and accepting about at the time. ‘A’ didn’t have any preference over religion and at the time everything that I had informed him of my religion he was perfectly fine with and accept it with open arms. ‘A’ also knew that by converting, it wouldn’t change the way he live his life hence was happy to do so. We’d talked it through and I wanted to make sure that he understands completely what must be done and I wanted to make sure that he’s happy to do so. After a long talk, we agreed that after I graduate from university we would get married. After we’d got back from holiday in late September 2005, there was a night where we got into discussion about the ladies that worked in his office. I asked simply to know if there are any attractive ones, to which he replied there was one. And I asked, ‘Oh how pretty is she and who does she resembles?’ to which he replied saying that she looked like Cameron Diaz, and if he were to meet her several years ago, he would’ve given his left testicle to sleep with her. I was rather shocked by this statement and ‘A’ simply said that he was being honest. I valued his honesty, but I dropped it at that. I didn’t really feel too good about it but there wasn’t much else to do about. At the time ‘A’ had also confessed that a few years back he had played ‘truth or dare’ with his brother, friends and some girls that he barely knew. That during the dare sessions, they would dare each other to take their clothes off and a girl gave a hand job to his brother and ‘A’ actually dared a girl he fancied to have sex with him in front of everyone, which they did. I found the details to be rather gory and couldn’t believe my ears upon hearing the story. ‘A’ could tell I felt uncomfortable and struggled to settle me feelings. But I did value ‘A’s honesty and ‘A’ comforted my saying that he wasn’t that sort of person anymore, that he knows what he wants now and that’s all that matters. To this word, I took comfort and left it at that. In November 2005, one day when I was playing a game and fiddling around my computer I realised that there were applications in the Recycling Bin, I opened it only to find an ICQ application. I didn’t remember installing it as previously when I was in touch with ‘J’ we had been in contact by emails and ICQ, but after cutting all contact with ‘J’ I had deleted the application and reformat the computer since hence was baffled why it was there. I then proceeded to look through ICQ folder, only to find ‘A’s name on it and it contained several pictures of a Thai woman, looked as though she wasn’t wearing anything on a webcam picture, and other pictures of her with a family. To this, I was really insecure and I confronted ‘A’ about, and ‘A’ replied that he had installed the ICQ whilst I was away in my home country as he needed someone to talk to, he had found a Thai woman and the lady apparently worked as a maid for a family. He also insisted that there wasn’t anything going on that it simply was a friendly chat and nothing more. He also confessed that he’d chatted with her for a few days, and I argued with him that he has friends in Yorkshire that he could speak to who is on his msn, and if he was lonely he could easily talk to them, or simply give me a call. I also confronted him in saying that if it was really friendly chat and nothing more, then why the need to delete the application and hide it from me? He couldn’t answer, and simply kept saying that it was a mere friendly chat. From that moment on, my trust for ‘A’ had changed and I started feeling insecure. I would’ve never thought of ‘A’ to cheat nor lie, but the idea kept springing in my head. ‘A’ apologised and said that he would never do anything like that ever again. From that moment on, things weren’t the same. The following month in December 2005, I had heard his phone went off whilst he was in the shower. I was rather curious hence looked through the message only to find a message from a Chinese lady texting friendly message to him that she was leaving for the airport. ‘A’ had always informed me who he is in contact with and who he talks to, hence not knowing who this lady was I felt really alarmed and confronted ‘A’ about it. ‘A’ then mentioned the lady used to work for his current company based in London doing some Chinese translations for his company and that now she’s moving back to China. ‘A’ also mentioned that the lady has a husband and that they email each other sometimes about me, what they do, etc. ‘A’ also said that I could look through his emails if I wanted proof, to this I didn’t bother and left it at that and informed ‘A’ that he should really let me know whose he’s in touch with as he normally states in the day who he talks to and communicate with as I would do the same for him, letting him know my circle of friends, etc. Since the ICQ incident, things weren’t the same as I find that most days during lunch I would question him, ‘so who else have you been talking to? Are you looking for someone else?’ I also find myself wanting assurance from him, also to let him know that I felt insecure. For the first 3 months after the ICQ incident, I genuinely felt insecure, but after that the questions sort of sprang up out of routine. I had also informed ‘A’ that if he was interested in someone else, or that if he is unhappy with the relationship he should break it up with me instead of cheating and lying. As I find that these two things are the most despicable thing anyone could do to a partner that each partner deserves to know the truth. He agreed with this and it seems in mid 2006, my trust in him had gotten a lot better. In September 2006, ‘A’ met my parents for the first time, my parents was not keen on me being in a relationship whilst studying, but I assured them that we were really serious about each other. After spending time with ‘A’, my parents were quite pleased, but also at the time they did not know that I had lived with ‘A’ and would never permit us to live with each other. In December 2006, we went back to my home country to spend Christmas and New Year 2007 as ‘A’ was happy to go as to avoid the cold winter in UK. Early 2007 things started to change as I had to deal with both my family problems and study. I started to confide to ‘A’ with regards to how I feel about my family, and each time when I confide in ‘A’, instead of providing a shoulder to cry on, ‘A’ would scold me and tell me how horrible my family is and tell me to have a backbone and stand up for myself. My family at the time had to have help from each member as my eldest sister was dealing with bipolar disorder. As I was studying at the time, it was rather difficult for me to deal with the situation. With ‘A’ starting to diss and tell me off about how horrible my family is, I felt worse and told ‘A’ that I do not him to tell me this as I am already aware of the situation, all I had wanted was for him to listen and understand. To this, ‘A’ feels that there is no point in confiding to someone if they do not want to have his opinion. Hence each time I confide, we would have fights, as normally whenever we have fights and when I feel he’s not making any effort to work with me to find a solution, I would threaten to leave. This I find was definitely one of the behaviours and flaws that I have throughout the relationship from 2004 – 2007, that I tend to threaten to leave the relationship when I feel that it’s not working out and he would come and tell me not to be silly and stupid and persuade me to stay. Until one day in June 2007, I threatened to leave and started packing my bag, that ‘A’ told me he’s had enough and he would see me through it I realised that I had made a big mistake. I told him I was sorry and that I realise I shouldn’t have done this and told him that it would never happen again. We got back together but ever since then things were never the same. It seems as though from that moment on, he had the upper hand on the relationship. He also started to go out with his new workmate for drinks and the routine that we had changed completely. He demanded that he doesn’t want to see me for lunch every day, and also said that he’d go out with his work mates for drinks, etc. At first I wasn’t keen on the idea, but after a few days I understand as during the time that we had lived our life with each other, I got really used to and comfortable with our lives that I didn’t think he was not contented with it. I did ask him several times since his move to Manchester from July 2005 and 2006 if he is happy with the way we live our lives to which he always reply yes. So I didn’t see any problems with our living arrangements until the time he demanded that he wanted to see me less for lunch and started going out with his workmates. I agreed to this and we started living a little differently, but I also noticed that his behaviour wasn’t the same. He is more distant, cold and also would give in a lot less when we have arguments. In September 2007 we went back to my home country again for a 2 weeks holiday, and that was when things started to go wrong. I remember him telling me that ‘we don’t need to be jointed at the hips all the time’ whenever I ask him if he’d like to go swimming, or do something. He has never said such things to me and I find it really disturbing. I told him that he knew from the beginning from when he first met me that I’m the sort of person, who likes to spend as much time as I can with my loved one, and he was happy with the idea then and until that September 2007 his view sort of changed. There was also a night where we went out to have a few drinks and started discussing about prostitutes, etc. I told him my view and opinion that men who used prostitutes are just as bad as they are also responsible in contributing to the activity. I believe that prostitution is wrong as it diminishes one’s integrity, and no women in the world should be lowered to that standard. I also said to him that if I do have a friend who pay for sex, I would tell them off and ‘A’ feels that it’s not wrong that it’s up to them if they want to do it or not. We had an argument about it, for this instance I was not trying to tell him to agree with me but ‘A’ seemed to think that he could not handle my point of view and said that I always think I’m right. I replied to him that we’re both entitled to our point of views and by the end of the day trying our best to seek the truth of what is right and wrong. Sure there is a fine line between women, who are forced into prostitution, and I feel sorry for them but that can easily be combated through educating people not to accept the act of people paying for sex. If you cut the demand, you cut the supply. It goes both ways. He doesn’t seem to agree and for some reason throughout the night he broke up with me. I couldn’t understand why and I was utterly devastated by his decision to simply break up. The next day he locked himself in the room with his laptop and I begged him to give us another try. After a long discussion he reluctantly accepts it and said that we’ll see how it goes. I started to feel depressed and couldn’t believe what is happening but thought I’d do my best to get things better between us. On his last day in my country he told me to pick a really nice hat for his sister as a souvenir, which I did. We went back to the UK separately as I leave a few days later. Upon arrival at the train station, I asked to see him as he needed to give me the key to the apartment, he was there giving me the key and started heading back to his office. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, as he didn’t even care to hug/ kiss or ask me about my flight, etc. He simply said he was busy and needed to go and I asked for a hug and he reluctantly did it. That night when I got back he asked that we have dinner somewhere and he told me that he doesn’t think it could work between us. That he thinks its best if we get separated and maybe then we might be able to work things out. With this, I didn’t agree with him as I believe communication is key, if we were to be separated it would mean that he’s already given up and as a couple we should be able to talk things through and I said to him that if he really wanted to get a separation we might as well break up. He then agrees and said if that’s what I wanted. I said to him why the sudden he wants to break up, what was the reason. Throughout the night he kept telling me that I couldn’t provide him something that he really wants in the relationship. Until at the very end of our conversation he mentioned that I still had another year to go at university, and that he’d really wanted to have a family. Later that night I told him that we could have a family; all we have to do is just wait another year, that’s it. To which he kept repeating that he really wanted to have a baby with me. We were still together at that time, only 1 week later he then said he couldn’t continue it with me as he feels that he doesn’t love me anymore. At this point, I just thought I’d hit the end of the road, and then I proceeded to ask him if he was seeing someone else, to which he replied ‘No. Why? What made you think that?’ , this I find to be rather curious as normally if I asked him if he was looking for someone or seeing someone, he would say no. The next morning I went through his pockets only to find out a receipt of postage to china the day I arrived back in the UK and a piece of paper with name, address and phone number of a Chinese lady. I was utterly shocked and bewildered with this and confronted him about it and he appeared flustered saying that she was only a friend that he’s in touch with. I asked him where how he’d get in touch with her and he replied that he knew her back earlier in the year from a forum. Just been in touch as friends, and I demanded to know why he didn’t care to tell me at all and he said it’s really never came up, etc. Throughout the day I was so devastated thinking that it is all over and it must’ve been my fault that he’s not in love with me anymore. I realised that over the years between 2004 -2007 I could’ve treated him a little better, as in not questioning him about who he’s been talking to all the time after Nov 2005, if I didn’t have threatened to leave whenever I think it wouldn’t work out and should’ve really realised that I should be supportive and encourage him to go out with his workmates on Friday. I was too blind to see, I say this to him that I was really sorry and things would change, slowly but surely it’ll get better. That Ill make him love me again. That day we gave it another chance, but he never said he loved me anymore. We would see each other for lunch, albeit not full hour and not everyday and when I see him I’d kiss him and hold him but he would never say I love you. I tried hard to change things, to make him happy and for two weeks it went on and during that two weeks he started taking evening Chinese classes twice a week and there were several times where when he’s late as I asked him why he was late he said that he’d had a meal with the Chinese people in his class and walked a Chinese girl home as she was alone. I was really devastated hearing this as I thought he must’ve definitely looking for someone else. After two weeks of trying really hard to make things better, I thought to myself that it’s futile. I was really trying hard to make things work between us but I realised that if there’s only one hand clapping it was pointless, so on the weekend on a Sunday I said to him that I am not giving up, but I am finally letting go. The difference is that there’s nothing to give up simply because he wasn’t trying and he wasn’t really looking to make things better and that he doesn’t love me anymore, hence the only right thing to do left was to let go. Upon hearing this, he said okay and we broke up. I asked him if he was going to start seeing someone else, and upon hearing this he said I’m really not looking to get into another relationship, just simply want to be by myself for the moment, and I left it at that. Throughout the following week, I tried hard to keep courage and be brave and tell myself that by the end of the day I have to move on, and I can move on knowing what I’ve done wrong and what I’ve learnt in the relationship. I knew if I hadn’t threatened to leave many times, or if I hadn’t sulked as much whenever we have arguments, or simply see that he needs his space too, things would’ve worked out differently. 7 days after we broke up, he then asked me if I wanted to go shopping with him, just as friends. We did that, and afterwards we went to a pub. At the pub he then confessed, that he’s always loved me and he’s never once stopped loving me and for the past few days he’s not been with me he’s been thinking about me a lot and that all he could think of is that he wants no one else but me to be the mother of his child. I said to him that we could have a family, it’s not a problem but we would need to be married first, that’s my culture and I also told him that he agreed the first year we went out together. He then said, I should get pregnant first and then we can get married, and to which I thought was somewhat dubious but I said to him that we have to definitely set a date and time to be married, I would not want anyone to notice that I’m pregnant if we’re married. He then mentioned that we should set some milestones, and that’s the only way the relationship can work. With this, we got back together. However the next day when he arrived back from work he was really cold and distant and he started saying to me that maybe we’re rushing into things. I simply couldn’t believe my ears of what he’s saying as he’s never the sort of person who changes his mind, from 2004 -2007 he always knew what he wanted, etc and it seems at the time that he has a flicker mind and that he’s taken me for granted. I got really upset and angry and told him that I cant do this anymore. The only reason why I clinged on to him to try to work things out was because I thought he’s the sort of person who knows exactly what he wants and never given up on me. All these two values that I see in him have gone and I told him that I’ve had enough. After I’d said this, he then tried to rectify things by saying that maybe we should take it slow. I agreed, and things were almost back to normal. I was adjusting to the new life, with not seeing him as much for lunch, with him going to his Chinese classes twice a week, and no longer seeing him for Friday evenings, etc. After awhile, I found out he’s signed up on facebook, I signed up too and I saw that he’s added a few Chinese girls on to his friends list. I asked where he’s met them, and he said some forum to ask for help in Chinese languages. I was rather suspicious, but I restrained myself from asking too much and thought I should trust him and leave it at that. I tried adding him as my partner on facebook which he declined and I was really upset about it as I couldn’t understand why. He then said to me that he didn’t like to labelled as anything as it is not necessary, and sees no point in it. I thought him as a person has changed so much as previously for the first 2 years we started going out he was so proud to tell everyone that he’s with me. He used to have a web photo album and would describe me in detail as his partner, used my pictures as his screensavers, etc. In December 2007 he simply didn’t care anymore and I really felt as though I was being taken for granted. By the new year 2008, he stopped taking Chinese classes as they didn’t have the next intake until April 2008, things started to get better between us though I can tell that for most part I was the one who has to bend over and let him have his way. For instance, 9/10 we would do the things he wants to do and would go to restaurants that he wants to go. If I suggest anywhere else and I was adamant to do something else he’d tell me to just do it by myself that I didn’t have to drag him with me all the time. I understand that view, but it’s nice to spend time with your partner doing the things that each other likes doing, the whole point of relationship is about compromise and he doesn’t agree. He also knew that from the beginning when he was with me I told him that I’d like to have a trip around the world for a few months after graduation (I graduate in July 08) and that dream was shattered earlier in 2008 as he said he will no longer agree to go with me. That things have now changed and I was forced to accept this change. In April 2008 we went on our first cruise and I honestly felt that was the point in our relationship where it had got a lot better, I could tell that he was more keen in me, started to play around with me like he used to, etc. However a few weeks after we’d got back from holiday, I wasn’t sure why but I had a hunch to check his mobile phone/ ipod touch. Ever since September 2007 he has put a password on them saying that I shouldn’t have to look into his mobile and I should trust him, he used to bring the phones with him to the toilet whenever he can and spend certain amount of time in there with his phone. When I asked he replied that he’s just checking the news. Anyway in April 2008 a few weeks after cruise I had a hunch to check his phone/ itouch, and to my horror I found out that he’s been completely lying and cheating on me in 2007. First and foremost, the Chinese lady in China that was supposedly his ‘friend’ was not his friend at all, the emails she sent her had a tone of ‘Hey baby, I cant wait to be with you, I miss you. What panties are you wearing today and what perfume? I love you, call you later’ there were also lines suggesting that he wants to see her in China and he also asked her if she’d like to have a family. Apart from that, the hat that I bought for his sister, was actually sent to her. He’s also sent several emails stating that he’s not able call her as often during the night/ morning as he’d spend over 70 pounds over three days, etc talking on the phone with her. I realise that was the time when I got back in September 2007. I confronted him about the emails and he had the nerve to say that it was just for fun and nothing more. That he knew her from a forum earlier in 2007. But that was another lie, that lady was the exactly same lady that he was in contact with in November/ December 2005 when he mentioned to me that she was someone who works for his company in London. As a matter of fact, she never worked for his company, and he actually knew her from ICQ as well during September 2005 when he was in touch with the Thai woman because he was lonely and needed to talk to someone. Also the Chinese lady definitely does not have a husband or even a boyfriend and apparently used to study in London and went back to China in 2005 and somehow either him or her started to get in touch again in March 2007 when I had to face all the troubles and problems of my family and study and had rows with my partner. It seemed convenient for him to find and talk to her during that time and pursued to cheat on me with her. He didn’t even have the guts to tell me the truth, as I had to find out all by myself. Also, apparently all the Chinese girls that he added in his facebook was not from a forum to help him with his Chinese language, he actually joined Match.com in October 2007 and met several of them for coffee. He admitted that he’s met them for coffee only but God knows what else. From then I told him he was a cheat and a liar and it makes sense why he didn’t want to add me as his partner in his facebook because he didn’t want these girls to know that he’s in a relationship. I was utterly disturbed and hurt by the incident that I couldn’t believe what I had to deal with. I honestly thought that it was entirely my fault, and he made it seemed as though it was my fault and let me deal with it by myself. That night he apologised, not full remorse saying that it wasn’t cheating as he wasn’t with the Chinese lady physically; it was just talking, etc. He doesn’t see that its completely wrong but thought it wasn’t right either. That night he said that he’ll do anything to make trust him again. He said he’d show me his emails, etc until I can trust him. As I loved him dearly, and I thought that I might have played a part to fuel this, the fact that he wants to have a family, etc I decided to forgive him. I told him that the moment I forgive him, I do not want to be the sort of person who has to keep asking who hes been talking to, or who he’s been with, etc. I dont need to and its up to him to make it up to me and make me trust him. He agreed, and the following days when I demand to check his emails he showed them to me, and he also was more affectionate that he was before. I thought to myself that I cant keep checking his emails, that I deserve to be with someone who I can trust, and decided to try my hardest to restrain myself from doing so. After that it became very scarce for when I feel the need to see his emails. Until September 2008 when I felt utterly insecure, I demanded to see his email s to which he said he would show me some other time. At this, I said to him you could easily delete them and I need to see them at the time to trust him, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to trust him and the relationship couldn’t work out. To this he replied, ‘Well I best start looking for another apartment then’ and I was utterly shocked to hear this. It seems to me as though he wasn’t willing to do anything or help me get through my trust issues with him. Later that night I said to him why is he easily letting go of this relationship? Just less than 4 months ago he told me he would do anything to give me assurance and make me trust him. To this he said he’d actually gotten me something, a surprise that he’s bought online a few days before and the gift wont arrive for the next couple of days. I demand to see the email, and he was right, and I told him that I was sorry but on his part he shouldn’t have just left and let go. He should be able to understand that I have my insecurities and it was a shame that it had to happen that way. ‘A’ wasn’t even remorseful, nor did he say sorry, it appears as though I had to apologise and try to get back together with him. Ever since then, it was very rarely that I ever checked his emails, and whenever we have a fight he tend to want to break up and let go very easily. For instance just last May 2009 when I demand to see his emails (possibly 2nd time in 2009) he mentioned that he’s not showing them to me anymore. Simply because if he wanted to cheat then he could’ve easily created another email account. We had arguments over this, but then I decided that Id give him the chance and trust him completely. I told him that if Id find out he’s cheated on me again or lied to me, I would never give him a second look. On 25 July 2009, we had a really petty argument about how I felt he wasn’t thoughtful to me. During that argument he said to me in an anger that he’s had enough of me and that he wants me out of his life and its completely over between us. I felt extremely devastated, the next day I tried to talk to him about what’s happened to which he replied saying that there’s nothing to talk about, that Im too whiny, and ungrateful about the things he’d done and that we have no future together. I admit to him that I whine, but I only whine for his attention, for him to show random affection. And I have come to realise that he’s changed from the first time we met and I ought to accept things how it is. He does hold me when we watch tv, kiss me and say I love you in the morning and before bedtime and also when he arrives from work, but I wanted more, I wanted to feel the randomness of it all. And I realise that I am wrong to expect this from him. To ask him of this when it should really come from himself and I said that I wouldn’t ask him again. Anyway yes, he hasn’t been thoughtful to me since 2007, except for the time in September 2008 when he wanted to surprise me and 1.5 month ago when he held the gate door open for me during a rainy day after we’d bought groceries when I dropped him at the gate, thinking that he must’ve gone upstairs and felt a little miserable about my day at work, so listened to radio in the car for 5 minutes, when I went out I realised he was there, still holding the gate door opened, I told him that was the most thoughtful thing he’d done all year. He also said to me that I am miserable, to which I reply that at times yes when I am annoyed with how he treats me or play around with me in such a way that I didn’t like. I asked him to point out any other time to which he couldn’t. Then he mentioned that we couldn’t be together as he thinks that we cant have a family. I said to him this is untrue, we can get married but he’d have to convert and he mentioned that he wouldn’t do that anymore. We left it at that and we broke up for 1.5 week, where on Tuesday morning he’d want to have a baby with me. I said to him we could do that but need to be married first, and he said well we could try to conceive before getting married to which I agree saying that there must at least be a set date already. All in all it went well until I said he needed to convert and he mentioned hes not going to and we’d need to find some other way. I told him that if he’s got a different faith then I could understand, but he lives his life the same way as me, as I integrate into his culture, he should consider integrating into mine. And he mentioned that he doesn’t like to be labelled anything. We left it at that and I found out later on that he’s taken my birth control pills away. We’d not come to a decision yet and he’s decided to make the decision for me. The next day we got back together, with no certainties of getting married or having a child, and he handed me the pills back, saying we’ll just see how it goes. When we got back together he seemed really indifferent and distant, on Thursday night I noticed that he brought his phone with him to the toilet. I told him not to do so as it brings really bad memories as what happened in 2007 (thats how he sneaks and get in touch with the Chinese lady at the time) and he said he’d do whatever he pleases, and said that he wasn’t using it in the toilet, it happens to be in his pocket. I then said to him, you haven’t been bothered with me for the past 2 days, no calls at lunch, whatsoever and he replied saying that ‘we dont really have to be jointed at the hips all the time’ to which really made me feel as though I was back in 2007. I told him not to ever said that again, as that was exactly what he said when he cheated on me back then. The next morning after all the incidents the night before, I decided to check his mobile, and on the history list I saw a page entitled ‘Mailbox’ and thought it must be his email and I tried to check, the page straightaway redirected me to a Chinese personals website. I was really horrified and instantly confronted him about it. He looked stunned and said, he doesn’t know anything about the site, it mustve been clicked by accident or something when he was browsing the internet. At this, I was shaking and demanded to see his email, to my surprise without any reluctance he showed me his emails. I thought I’d given him the benefit of the doubt but still felt suspicious. That morning I went to work a little late, hence I checked that Chinese personal website, decided to join and when I joined I realised it gave you an option to check your Chinese personal mailbox, when I click on the link to the page, it redirected me to the page entitled ‘Mailbox’ and I knew my partner was lying to me, that he had joined the site. I called him right away and started shouting how much I couldn’t believe that he’s a liar and that he’s joined the site. He hung up on me, and 15 minutes later a nasty text awaits me from him saying that, ‘It’s really over between us now. You’re right, I did join the site while we broke up and as quickly removed the profile while we’re not together. I realised I dont want to be with you, etc..’ to which I then replied to him saying that he’s a big liar because he didn’t remove the profile whilst we were broken up, because it was only the night before that he checked his mailbox from the Chinese personal site when we were still together. I told him good riddance, and right after that plenty of texts came from him saying extremely nasty things to me. That night he was awful to me throw me out of the master bedroom forced me into the other room to sleep. The next morning he came to my room to say that he’s sorry for what he’d said and done the day before. I told him it’s his personality and it’s something he has to live with. I told him that I’m moving out and he said okay. That night he went out and when he came back he went into my room and said that we belonged together and that all he wanted was to get married to me to have babies, etc. That he’s willing to convert and after we’re married I will be able to trust him as when he has family with me he will have his happiness and wont have the need to talk to other women or look elsewhere. The next morning he told me to give a couple of days to think about it to which I respond saying that I cannot trust him. Until he shows full remorse and find a way to earn my trust and show me truly that he understands how I feel, then I cant see how it’d work out. I left it at that, later on the evening he cooked something and offered me some dinner. The following three days, he made pies, etc and offered me some and tried to be nice to me. However on Thursday morning, I decided to check his profile on the Chinese personal website, only to find out that he actually joined the site 2 weeks before we had even broken up. I was extremely devastated, and he logged back on the site again the day he said he wanted to marry me. With his profile saying that are you a fun loving girl looking for a welsh gentleman to have babies with? I confronted him that night, I was extremely angry and cursed at him all the while and he simply said, ‘what does it matter now? You said it was over on Sunday, so what does it matter? Also, I changed the profile to say that it says last Sunday as I thought it’s over.’ I couldn’t believe my ears and I told him that he’d told me think about it for a couple of days, and that how he can change his mind so suddenly. He said he hasn’t but he thinks that I said its over when clearly what I said to him was something else. I said to him that until he can show full remorse over what he’s done it cant work. He honestly think that it wasn’t cheating and it wasn’t completely wrong. As he’s only emailing some women on the other side of the world, as it was an international dating site, which is true there were not one Chinese girls from the UK on that site. I asked why would he joint the chinese personal website and email other women from that ethcnicity if he wasnt looking to replace me. He then stated that the reason why is because he is simply looking for someone like me to talk to as each time we talk we ended up in arguments, which was untrue. Aside from that as he's moved his current work place and I've been working since last year September 2008 we've not had lunch together, etc and we only phone each other for 5-8 minutes at lunch time. He said talking to me at lunch drains all conversation for when he arrives home from work and theres nothing else to talk about. This i said to him is untrue, we talked for 5 minutes normally it was me who talked and when we get home all he wanted to do is just watch the tv and do nothing else. I just dont know what to believe. He mentioned that he's not looking to replace me, but simply to find someone like me to talk to. Does that makes any sense at all? The next day I tried to tell him exactly how I feel, that how he could’ve done this to me to which he wasn’t interested in listening as he said I’ve already decided that its over. That was last week on Friday and now he’s been ignoring me completely. At this moment in time, all I could think is how much I want to be with him. But the only way I can be with him is if he truly feels remorse over what he’s done and understand how much trust he’s broken and try his hardest to make things better. I dont feel that from him, it felt as though he gives up so easily. If someone really wants to marry you, shouldn’t they do all they can to convince the other party how much they want it to work out? I just really dont know what to do. Any advice is great. Please help.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Vet Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I am at lost. I have been with my current/ ex partner for 5 years, and at this very moment in time I feel as though I am incapable of making rational or logical judgments, as my emotions overwhelms all processes of thought. Each time I try to break down the issues and events that have happened which resulted the end of our relationship; I could not come up with a solid conclusion of what I should feel, nor the next step that I should take. I am simply going to write about the facts of what has happened over the past 5 years, the flaws and faults of both parties in the hope of finding a suitable conclusion. So please bear with me, as this will take a while to read through. Me and my partner ‘A’ first got together in August 2004. Prior to us engaging in a relationship I had simply gotten out of a 1.5 year relationship with someone else, ‘J’ whom at the time I loved dearly. I met ‘J’ in a forum back in late 2002, and we sort of got along and I thought the world of him then. Online tricks played my mind and I was infatuated with ‘J’. At the time ‘J’ lived in California, whilst I was based in south east Asia. Eventually I made all efforts to be with ‘J’, visiting him twice in California for 3 weeks at a time during our 1.5 year relationship. Until May 2004, ‘J’ finally confessed that he feels it could not work between us as the brutal honesty is that he could not see how we could be together as he has a preference over Japanese women – at the time I have been trying to convinced myself and ‘J’ that we could work it out, that I’d follow him to Japan, to study and live with him should he wish to move there. He wasn’t too keen on the idea and broke up with me early May 2004. I was utterly devastated, and decided that instead of going to Japan (I had prepared myself for 1.5 years to attend a university in Japan) I was going to further my studies in the UK as many of my friends/ family members reside in the country and could not bear the thought of being somewhere where I knew ‘J’ would be in the future, hence started applying for universities for intakes in September 2004. I managed to secure several interviews at various universities; looking for comfort I joined a dating website, at the time called Tickle Matchmaking. That was when I had met my partner ‘A’ who lived in Yorkshire. I didn’t inform ‘A’ of my troubles at the time, we simply exchanged long emails with regards to our interests and chatted to each other daily, until 2 weeks after ‘J’ broke up with me, ‘J’ came back to say that he would like to give us another chance. That he would visit me for the first time in my home country and see if we could work things out. As I was already in love with ‘J’ at the time, I simply agreed. I could tell that ‘A’ had developed some feelings towards me, to which I realised that it was only right for me to tell him the truth about me and ‘J’ – about the fact that ‘J’ is coming over to see if we could work things out and get together and also the fact that it may not happen. To this, ‘A’ still kept in touch with me but I kept my distance from ‘A’ as to not give him any hope. When ‘J’ arrived early July 2004, we got back together and for the 2 weeks that he was there it felt as though it was a dream. I thought that was it, that we were going to end up together and when he left for Japan, things would work out as we’ve said to each other that he would visit me in the UK and I’ll see him in Japan during our holidays. A few days after ‘J’ left, I went to the UK for my interviews, and only to find out that ‘J’ wanted to break up as he had met someone else, a Japanese lady that he thought he’d pursue. He was blunt and honest about it and the moment he had said it I thought my whole life was over. I then got back in touch with ‘A’, informed him I was in the country and we met for the first time. I told ‘A’ everything about what’s happened, and the fact that I was utterly devastated, but ‘A’ confessed to me at the time that he was already in love with me. I jumped to the conclusion to be with ‘A’ from then on, early August 2004 to which ‘A’ knew he was no more than a rebound. It was a cruel truth, but the extent of ‘A’s feelings for me was utterly strong to the point where he didn’t care if I had loved him or not as he thinks once I’ve gotten over ‘J’ I would be able to love him. We started living together in late September 2004, as he moved to Manchester with me, commuting daily to his work place in Leeds. At the time he was really caring, understanding, compassionate, romantic and very thoughtful. ‘A’ was the boyfriend that anyone could ever dream of. I am by nature a hopeless romantic, extremely passionate, thoughtful, honest and loyal, so it seemed that things would work well between us. At the time from the moment ‘J’ and I broke up, we have been regularly in touch with each other as I was still in love with ‘J’. All the while that we kept in touch, I always showed ‘A’ the emails I sent and received from ‘J’ as I felt as though he deserved to know the truth and be kept in the loop. In late October 2004, ‘A’ then confessed stating that he could no longer take the communication between me and ‘J’ and that I had to choose to either end the communication or end our relationship. I realised that ‘A’ was right and informed him that I would no longer be in touch with ‘J’ as it was the right thing to do. From that moment on, I’ve never spoken to nor communicated with ‘J’. ‘J’ was simply out of my life. As the time went on, I realised that my feelings started to develop very strongly for ‘A’, however knowing that ‘A’ loved me so much, I tend to take him for granted. I didn’t treat him badly as such, however most of the time when we have arguments about how I think he should treat me and it would not go my way, I would go in a corner and sulked until he would come to comfort me. From September 2004 to June 2005, our lives is such that ‘A’ commutes daily from Manchester to Leeds, which resulted into him arriving back at 7.30 pm each night, and on Friday nights a little later as he will have a few drinks with his work mates. Whilst for me I go to University during the day, see my friends, ‘A’ would call me for at least 20 minutes for lunch each time and I’d see ‘A’ after he’d finished work. I was quite content on how things were between us. After 4-5 months being together with ‘A’ I noticed ‘A’s behaviour started to change, he’d not show me as much random affection as he used to, nor was he doing the little things he did and most nights we would watch TV and ‘A’ would seemed rather indifferent. We would cuddle with each other but I noticed that he’d never kiss me nor say he loved me unless I asked him to do so (we do routine kisses and I love yous when we go to bed and wake up in the morning) to which he stated the reason why he is indifferent is due to the travelling which had taken its toll on him. In July 2005 he finally secured a job in Manchester and we also moved to the city centre, hence his work place was merely 20 minutes walk from home whilst my university was a mere 15 minutes walk. We’d see each other for lunch every day from Monday to Friday for about 45-50 minutes and we’d spend more time together which I was very happy about. When ‘A’ moved to Manchester he didn’t have any friends, and when I asked if he’s going out for beers on Friday nights, he replied that he didn’t click or get on well with his new colleagues. Hence we’d spend more and more time together. In September 2005 I went back to my home country to visit my family for a month. We had planned that ‘A’ would come and have a holiday 2 weeks after Id left so we could spend the remaining 2 weeks together in my home country before heading back to the UK. I remember just before I had left for the airport, ‘A’ had hold me tight and tears started pouring down his cheeks, I couldn’t contained myself and I cried too. We had been so close to each other and I was the only person he had in Manchester and now would have to settle to live by himself for 2 weeks. Whilst I was in my home country, ‘A’ would call me frequently and we’d also have webcam with each other, hence it wasn’t too bad for ‘A’. Several days before he’d left for my country, he stated that he had thought things through and that he’d wanted to get married to me and have a family. To which I replied we can do so after I graduate, and that he would have to learn and convert to my religion. Which he was very keen and accepting about at the time. ‘A’ didn’t have any preference over religion and at the time everything that I had informed him of my religion he was perfectly fine with and accept it with open arms. ‘A’ also knew that by converting, it wouldn’t change the way he live his life hence was happy to do so. We’d talked it through and I wanted to make sure that he understands completely what must be done and I wanted to make sure that he’s happy to do so. After a long talk, we agreed that after I graduate from university we would get married. After we’d got back from holiday in late September 2005, there was a night where we got into discussion about the ladies that worked in his office. I asked simply to know if there are any attractive ones, to which he replied there was one. And I asked, ‘Oh how pretty is she and who does she resembles?’ to which he replied saying that she looked like Cameron Diaz, and if he were to meet her several years ago, he would’ve given his left testicle to sleep with her. I was rather shocked by this statement and ‘A’ simply said that he was being honest. I valued his honesty, but I dropped it at that. I didn’t really feel too good about it but there wasn’t much else to do about. At the time ‘A’ had also confessed that a few years back he had played ‘truth or dare’ with his brother, friends and some girls that he barely knew. That during the dare sessions, they would dare each other to take their clothes off and a girl gave a hand job to his brother and ‘A’ actually dared a girl he fancied to have sex with him in front of everyone, which they did. I found the details to be rather gory and couldn’t believe my ears upon hearing the story. ‘A’ could tell I felt uncomfortable and struggled to settle me feelings. But I did value ‘A’s honesty and ‘A’ comforted my saying that he wasn’t that sort of person anymore, that he knows what he wants now and that’s all that matters. To this word, I took comfort and left it at that. In November 2005, one day when I was playing a game and fiddling around my computer I realised that there were applications in the Recycling Bin, I opened it only to find an ICQ application. I didn’t remember installing it as previously when I was in touch with ‘J’ we had been in contact by emails and ICQ, but after cutting all contact with ‘J’ I had deleted the application and reformat the computer since hence was baffled why it was there. I then proceeded to look through ICQ folder, only to find ‘A’s name on it and it contained several pictures of a Thai woman, looked as though she wasn’t wearing anything on a webcam picture, and other pictures of her with a family. To this, I was really insecure and I confronted ‘A’ about, and ‘A’ replied that he had installed the ICQ whilst I was away in my home country as he needed someone to talk to, he had found a Thai woman and the lady apparently worked as a maid for a family. He also insisted that there wasn’t anything going on that it simply was a friendly chat and nothing more. He also confessed that he’d chatted with her for a few days, and I argued with him that he has friends in Yorkshire that he could speak to who is on his msn, and if he was lonely he could easily talk to them, or simply give me a call. I also confronted him in saying that if it was really friendly chat and nothing more, then why the need to delete the application and hide it from me? He couldn’t answer, and simply kept saying that it was a mere friendly chat. From that moment on, my trust for ‘A’ had changed and I started feeling insecure. I would’ve never thought of ‘A’ to cheat nor lie, but the idea kept springing in my head. ‘A’ apologised and said that he would never do anything like that ever again. From that moment on, things weren’t the same. The following month in December 2005, I had heard his phone went off whilst he was in the shower. I was rather curious hence looked through the message only to find a message from a Chinese lady texting friendly message to him that she was leaving for the airport. ‘A’ had always informed me who he is in contact with and who he talks to, hence not knowing who this lady was I felt really alarmed and confronted ‘A’ about it. ‘A’ then mentioned the lady used to work for his current company based in London doing some Chinese translations for his company and that now she’s moving back to China. ‘A’ also mentioned that the lady has a husband and that they email each other sometimes about me, what they do, etc. ‘A’ also said that I could look through his emails if I wanted proof, to this I didn’t bother and left it at that and informed ‘A’ that he should really let me know whose he’s in touch with as he normally states in the day who he talks to and communicate with as I would do the same for him, letting him know my circle of friends, etc. Since the ICQ incident, things weren’t the same as I find that most days during lunch I would question him, ‘so who else have you been talking to? Are you looking for someone else?’ I also find myself wanting assurance from him, also to let him know that I felt insecure. For the first 3 months after the ICQ incident, I genuinely felt insecure, but after that the questions sort of sprang up out of routine. I had also informed ‘A’ that if he was interested in someone else, or that if he is unhappy with the relationship he should break it up with me instead of cheating and lying. As I find that these two things are the most despicable thing anyone could do to a partner that each partner deserves to know the truth. He agreed with this and it seems in mid 2006, my trust in him had gotten a lot better. In September 2006, ‘A’ met my parents for the first time, my parents was not keen on me being in a relationship whilst studying, but I assured them that we were really serious about each other. After spending time with ‘A’, my parents were quite pleased, but also at the time they did not know that I had lived with ‘A’ and would never permit us to live with each other. In December 2006, we went back to my home country to spend Christmas and New Year 2007 as ‘A’ was happy to go as to avoid the cold winter in UK. Early 2007 things started to change as I had to deal with both my family problems and study. I started to confide to ‘A’ with regards to how I feel about my family, and each time when I confide in ‘A’, instead of providing a shoulder to cry on, ‘A’ would scold me and tell me how horrible my family is and tell me to have a backbone and stand up for myself. My family at the time had to have help from each member as my eldest sister was dealing with bipolar disorder. As I was studying at the time, it was rather difficult for me to deal with the situation. With ‘A’ starting to diss and tell me off about how horrible my family is, I felt worse and told ‘A’ that I do not him to tell me this as I am already aware of the situation, all I had wanted was for him to listen and understand. To this, ‘A’ feels that there is no point in confiding to someone if they do not want to have his opinion. Hence each time I confide, we would have fights, as normally whenever we have fights and when I feel he’s not making any effort to work with me to find a solution, I would threaten to leave. This I find was definitely one of the behaviours and flaws that I have throughout the relationship from 2004 – 2007, that I tend to threaten to leave the relationship when I feel that it’s not working out and he would come and tell me not to be silly and stupid and persuade me to stay. Until one day in June 2007, I threatened to leave and started packing my bag, that ‘A’ told me he’s had enough and he would see me through it I realised that I had made a big mistake. I told him I was sorry and that I realise I shouldn’t have done this and told him that it would never happen again. We got back together but ever since then things were never the same. It seems as though from that moment on, he had the upper hand on the relationship. He also started to go out with his new workmate for drinks and the routine that we had changed completely. He demanded that he doesn’t want to see me for lunch every day, and also said that he’d go out with his work mates for drinks, etc. At first I wasn’t keen on the idea, but after a few days I understand as during the time that we had lived our life with each other, I got really used to and comfortable with our lives that I didn’t think he was not contented with it. I did ask him several times since his move to Manchester from July 2005 and 2006 if he is happy with the way we live our lives to which he always reply yes. So I didn’t see any problems with our living arrangements until the time he demanded that he wanted to see me less for lunch and started going out with his workmates. I agreed to this and we started living a little differently, but I also noticed that his behaviour wasn’t the same. He is more distant, cold and also would give in a lot less when we have arguments. In September 2007 we went back to my home country again for a 2 weeks holiday, and that was when things started to go wrong. I remember him telling me that ‘we don’t need to be jointed at the hips all the time’ whenever I ask him if he’d like to go swimming, or do something. He has never said such things to me and I find it really disturbing. I told him that he knew from the beginning from when he first met me that I’m the sort of person, who likes to spend as much time as I can with my loved one, and he was happy with the idea then and until that September 2007 his view sort of changed. There was also a night where we went out to have a few drinks and started discussing about prostitutes, etc. I told him my view and opinion that men who used prostitutes are just as bad as they are also responsible in contributing to the activity. I believe that prostitution is wrong as it diminishes one’s integrity, and no women in the world should be lowered to that standard. I also said to him that if I do have a friend who pay for sex, I would tell them off and ‘A’ feels that it’s not wrong that it’s up to them if they want to do it or not. We had an argument about it, for this instance I was not trying to tell him to agree with me but ‘A’ seemed to think that he could not handle my point of view and said that I always think I’m right. I replied to him that we’re both entitled to our point of views and by the end of the day trying our best to seek the truth of what is right and wrong. Sure there is a fine line between women, who are forced into prostitution, and I feel sorry for them but that can easily be combated through educating people not to accept the act of people paying for sex. If you cut the demand, you cut the supply. It goes both ways. He doesn’t seem to agree and for some reason throughout the night he broke up with me. I couldn’t understand why and I was utterly devastated by his decision to simply break up. The next day he locked himself in the room with his laptop and I begged him to give us another try. After a long discussion he reluctantly accepts it and said that we’ll see how it goes. I started to feel depressed and couldn’t believe what is happening but thought I’d do my best to get things better between us. On his last day in my country he told me to pick a really nice hat for his sister as a souvenir, which I did. We went back to the UK separately as I leave a few days later. Upon arrival at the train station, I asked to see him as he needed to give me the key to the apartment, he was there giving me the key and started heading back to his office. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, as he didn’t even care to hug/ kiss or ask me about my flight, etc. He simply said he was busy and needed to go and I asked for a hug and he reluctantly did it. That night when I got back he asked that we have dinner somewhere and he told me that he doesn’t think it could work between us. That he thinks its best if we get separated and maybe then we might be able to work things out. With this, I didn’t agree with him as I believe communication is key, if we were to be separated it would mean that he’s already given up and as a couple we should be able to talk things through and I said to him that if he really wanted to get a separation we might as well break up. He then agrees and said if that’s what I wanted. I said to him why the sudden he wants to break up, what was the reason. Throughout the night he kept telling me that I couldn’t provide him something that he really wants in the relationship. Until at the very end of our conversation he mentioned that I still had another year to go at university, and that he’d really wanted to have a family. Later that night I told him that we could have a family; all we have to do is just wait another year, that’s it. To which he kept repeating that he really wanted to have a baby with me. We were still together at that time, only 1 week later he then said he couldn’t continue it with me as he feels that he doesn’t love me anymore. At this point, I just thought I’d hit the end of the road, and then I proceeded to ask him if he was seeing someone else, to which he replied ‘No. Why? What made you think that?’ , this I find to be rather curious as normally if I asked him if he was looking for someone or seeing someone, he would say no. The next morning I went through his pockets only to find out a receipt of postage to china the day I arrived back in the UK and a piece of paper with name, address and phone number of a Chinese lady. I was utterly shocked and bewildered with this and confronted him about it and he appeared flustered saying that she was only a friend that he’s in touch with. I asked him where how he’d get in touch with her and he replied that he knew her back earlier in the year from a forum. Just been in touch as friends, and I demanded to know why he didn’t care to tell me at all and he said it’s really never came up, etc. Throughout the day I was so devastated thinking that it is all over and it must’ve been my fault that he’s not in love with me anymore. I realised that over the years between 2004 -2007 I could’ve treated him a little better, as in not questioning him about who he’s been talking to all the time after Nov 2005, if I didn’t have threatened to leave whenever I think it wouldn’t work out and should’ve really realised that I should be supportive and encourage him to go out with his workmates on Friday. I was too blind to see, I say this to him that I was really sorry and things would change, slowly but surely it’ll get better. That Ill make him love me again. That day we gave it another chance, but he never said he loved me anymore. We would see each other for lunch, albeit not full hour and not everyday and when I see him I’d kiss him and hold him but he would never say I love you. I tried hard to change things, to make him happy and for two weeks it went on and during that two weeks he started taking evening Chinese classes twice a week and there were several times where when he’s late as I asked him why he was late he said that he’d had a meal with the Chinese people in his class and walked a Chinese girl home as she was alone. I was really devastated hearing this as I thought he must’ve definitely looking for someone else. After two weeks of trying really hard to make things better, I thought to myself that it’s futile. I was really trying hard to make things work between us but I realised that if there’s only one hand clapping it was pointless, so on the weekend on a Sunday I said to him that I am not giving up, but I am finally letting go. The difference is that there’s nothing to give up simply because he wasn’t trying and he wasn’t really looking to make things better and that he doesn’t love me anymore, hence the only right thing to do left was to let go. Upon hearing this, he said okay and we broke up. I asked him if he was going to start seeing someone else, and upon hearing this he said I’m really not looking to get into another relationship, just simply want to be by myself for the moment, and I left it at that. Throughout the following week, I tried hard to keep courage and be brave and tell myself that by the end of the day I have to move on, and I can move on knowing what I’ve done wrong and what I’ve learnt in the relationship. I knew if I hadn’t threatened to leave many times, or if I hadn’t sulked as much whenever we have arguments, or simply see that he needs his space too, things would’ve worked out differently. 7 days after we broke up, he then asked me if I wanted to go shopping with him, just as friends. We did that, and afterwards we went to a pub. At the pub he then confessed, that he’s always loved me and he’s never once stopped loving me and for the past few days he’s not been with me he’s been thinking about me a lot and that all he could think of is that he wants no one else but me to be the mother of his child. I said to him that we could have a family, it’s not a problem but we would need to be married first, that’s my culture and I also told him that he agreed the first year we went out together. He then said, I should get pregnant first and then we can get married, and to which I thought was somewhat dubious but I said to him that we have to definitely set a date and time to be married, I would not want anyone to notice that I’m pregnant if we’re married. He then mentioned that we should set some milestones, and that’s the only way the relationship can work. With this, we got back together. However the next day when he arrived back from work he was really cold and distant and he started saying to me that maybe we’re rushing into things. I simply couldn’t believe my ears of what he’s saying as he’s never the sort of person who changes his mind, from 2004 -2007 he always knew what he wanted, etc and it seems at the time that he has a flicker mind and that he’s taken me for granted. I got really upset and angry and told him that I cant do this anymore. The only reason why I clinged on to him to try to work things out was because I thought he’s the sort of person who knows exactly what he wants and never given up on me. All these two values that I see in him have gone and I told him that I’ve had enough. After I’d said this, he then tried to rectify things by saying that maybe we should take it slow. I agreed, and things were almost back to normal. I was adjusting to the new life, with not seeing him as much for lunch, with him going to his Chinese classes twice a week, and no longer seeing him for Friday evenings, etc. After awhile, I found out he’s signed up on facebook, I signed up too and I saw that he’s added a few Chinese girls on to his friends list. I asked where he’s met them, and he said some forum to ask for help in Chinese languages. I was rather suspicious, but I restrained myself from asking too much and thought I should trust him and leave it at that. I tried adding him as my partner on facebook which he declined and I was really upset about it as I couldn’t understand why. He then said to me that he didn’t like to labelled as anything as it is not necessary, and sees no point in it. I thought him as a person has changed so much as previously for the first 2 years we started going out he was so proud to tell everyone that he’s with me. He used to have a web photo album and would describe me in detail as his partner, used my pictures as his screensavers, etc. In December 2007 he simply didn’t care anymore and I really felt as though I was being taken for granted. By the new year 2008, he stopped taking Chinese classes as they didn’t have the next intake until April 2008, things started to get better between us though I can tell that for most part I was the one who has to bend over and let him have his way. For instance, 9/10 we would do the things he wants to do and would go to restaurants that he wants to go. If I suggest anywhere else and I was adamant to do something else he’d tell me to just do it by myself that I didn’t have to drag him with me all the time. I understand that view, but it’s nice to spend time with your partner doing the things that each other likes doing, the whole point of relationship is about compromise and he doesn’t agree. He also knew that from the beginning when he was with me I told him that I’d like to have a trip around the world for a few months after graduation (I graduate in July 08) and that dream was shattered earlier in 2008 as he said he will no longer agree to go with me. That things have now changed and I was forced to accept this change. In April 2008 we went on our first cruise and I honestly felt that was the point in our relationship where it had got a lot better, I could tell that he was more keen in me, started to play around with me like he used to, etc. However a few weeks after we’d got back from holiday, I wasn’t sure why but I had a hunch to check his mobile phone/ ipod touch. Ever since September 2007 he has put a password on them saying that I shouldn’t have to look into his mobile and I should trust him, he used to bring the phones with him to the toilet whenever he can and spend certain amount of time in there with his phone. When I asked he replied that he’s just checking the news. Anyway in April 2008 a few weeks after cruise I had a hunch to check his phone/ itouch, and to my horror I found out that he’s been completely lying and cheating on me in 2007. First and foremost, the Chinese lady in China that was supposedly his ‘friend’ was not his friend at all, the emails she sent her had a tone of ‘Hey baby, I cant wait to be with you, I miss you. What panties are you wearing today and what perfume? I love you, call you later’ there were also lines suggesting that he wants to see her in China and he also asked her if she’d like to have a family. Apart from that, the hat that I bought for his sister, was actually sent to her. He’s also sent several emails stating that he’s not able call her as often during the night/ morning as he’d spend over 70 pounds over three days, etc talking on the phone with her. I realise that was the time when I got back in September 2007. I confronted him about the emails and he had the nerve to say that it was just for fun and nothing more. That he knew her from a forum earlier in 2007. But that was another lie, that lady was the exactly same lady that he was in contact with in November/ December 2005 when he mentioned to me that she was someone who works for his company in London. As a matter of fact, she never worked for his company, and he actually knew her from ICQ as well during September 2005 when he was in touch with the Thai woman because he was lonely and needed to talk to someone. Also the Chinese lady definitely does not have a husband or even a boyfriend and apparently used to study in London and went back to China in 2005 and somehow either him or her started to get in touch again in March 2007 when I had to face all the troubles and problems of my family and study and had rows with my partner. It seemed convenient for him to find and talk to her during that time and pursued to cheat on me with her. He didn’t even have the guts to tell me the truth, as I had to find out all by myself. Also, apparently all the Chinese girls that he added in his facebook was not from a forum to help him with his Chinese language, he actually joined Match.com in October 2007 and met several of them for coffee. He admitted that he’s met them for coffee only but God knows what else. From then I told him he was a cheat and a liar and it makes sense why he didn’t want to add me as his partner in his facebook because he didn’t want these girls to know that he’s in a relationship. I was utterly disturbed and hurt by the incident that I couldn’t believe what I had to deal with. I honestly thought that it was entirely my fault, and he made it seemed as though it was my fault and let me deal with it by myself. That night he apologised, not full remorse saying that it wasn’t cheating as he wasn’t with the Chinese lady physically; it was just talking, etc. He doesn’t see that its completely wrong but thought it wasn’t right either. That night he said that he’ll do anything to make trust him again. He said he’d show me his emails, etc until I can trust him. As I loved him dearly, and I thought that I might have played a part to fuel this, the fact that he wants to have a family, etc I decided to forgive him. I told him that the moment I forgive him, I do not want to be the sort of person who has to keep asking who hes been talking to, or who he’s been with, etc. I dont need to and its up to him to make it up to me and make me trust him. He agreed, and the following days when I demand to check his emails he showed them to me, and he also was more affectionate that he was before. I thought to myself that I cant keep checking his emails, that I deserve to be with someone who I can trust, and decided to try my hardest to restrain myself from doing so. After that it became very scarce for when I feel the need to see his emails. Until September 2008 when I felt utterly insecure, I demanded to see his email s to which he said he would show me some other time. At this, I said to him you could easily delete them and I need to see them at the time to trust him, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to trust him and the relationship couldn’t work out. To this he replied, ‘Well I best start looking for another apartment then’ and I was utterly shocked to hear this. It seems to me as though he wasn’t willing to do anything or help me get through my trust issues with him. Later that night I said to him why is he easily letting go of this relationship? Just less than 4 months ago he told me he would do anything to give me assurance and make me trust him. To this he said he’d actually gotten me something, a surprise that he’s bought online a few days before and the gift wont arrive for the next couple of days. I demand to see the email, and he was right, and I told him that I was sorry but on his part he shouldn’t have just left and let go. He should be able to understand that I have my insecurities and it was a shame that it had to happen that way. ‘A’ wasn’t even remorseful, nor did he say sorry, it appears as though I had to apologise and try to get back together with him. Ever since then, it was very rarely that I ever checked his emails, and whenever we have a fight he tend to want to break up and let go very easily. For instance just last May 2009 when I demand to see his emails (possibly 2nd time in 2009) he mentioned that he’s not showing them to me anymore. Simply because if he wanted to cheat then he could’ve easily created another email account. We had arguments over this, but then I decided that Id give him the chance and trust him completely. I told him that if Id find out he’s cheated on me again or lied to me, I would never give him a second look. On 25 July 2009, we had a really petty argument about how I felt he wasn’t thoughtful to me. During that argument he said to me in an anger that he’s had enough of me and that he wants me out of his life and its completely over between us. I felt extremely devastated, the next day I tried to talk to him about what’s happened to which he replied saying that there’s nothing to talk about, that Im too whiny, and ungrateful about the things he’d done and that we have no future together. I admit to him that I whine, but I only whine for his attention, for him to show random affection. And I have come to realise that he’s changed from the first time we met and I ought to accept things how it is. He does hold me when we watch tv, kiss me and say I love you in the morning and before bedtime and also when he arrives from work, but I wanted more, I wanted to feel the randomness of it all. And I realise that I am wrong to expect this from him. To ask him of this when it should really come from himself and I said that I wouldn’t ask him again. Anyway yes, he hasn’t been thoughtful to me since 2007, except for the time in September 2008 when he wanted to surprise me and 1.5 month ago when he held the gate door open for me during a rainy day after we’d bought groceries when I dropped him at the gate, thinking that he must’ve gone upstairs and felt a little miserable about my day at work, so listened to radio in the car for 5 minutes, when I went out I realised he was there, still holding the gate door opened, I told him that was the most thoughtful thing he’d done all year. He also said to me that I am miserable, to which I reply that at times yes when I am annoyed with how he treats me or play around with me in such a way that I didn’t like. I asked him to point out any other time to which he couldn’t. Then he mentioned that we couldn’t be together as he thinks that we cant have a family. I said to him this is untrue, we can get married but he’d have to convert and he mentioned that he wouldn’t do that anymore. We left it at that and we broke up for 1.5 week, where on Tuesday morning he’d want to have a baby with me. I said to him we could do that but need to be married first, and he said well we could try to conceive before getting married to which I agree saying that there must at least be a set date already. All in all it went well until I said he needed to convert and he mentioned hes not going to and we’d need to find some other way. I told him that if he’s got a different faith then I could understand, but he lives his life the same way as me, as I integrate into his culture, he should consider integrating into mine. And he mentioned that he doesn’t like to be labelled anything. We left it at that and I found out later on that he’s taken my birth control pills away. We’d not come to a decision yet and he’s decided to make the decision for me. The next day we got back together, with no certainties of getting married or having a child, and he handed me the pills back, saying we’ll just see how it goes. When we got back together he seemed really indifferent and distant, on Thursday night I noticed that he brought his phone with him to the toilet. I told him not to do so as it brings really bad memories as what happened in 2007 (thats how he sneaks and get in touch with the Chinese lady at the time) and he said he’d do whatever he pleases, and said that he wasn’t using it in the toilet, it happens to be in his pocket. I then said to him, you haven’t been bothered with me for the past 2 days, no calls at lunch, whatsoever and he replied saying that ‘we dont really have to be jointed at the hips all the time’ to which really made me feel as though I was back in 2007. I told him not to ever said that again, as that was exactly what he said when he cheated on me back then. The next morning after all the incidents the night before, I decided to check his mobile, and on the history list I saw a page entitled ‘Mailbox’ and thought it must be his email and I tried to check, the page straightaway redirected me to a Chinese personals website. I was really horrified and instantly confronted him about it. He looked stunned and said, he doesn’t know anything about the site, it mustve been clicked by accident or something when he was browsing the internet. At this, I was shaking and demanded to see his email, to my surprise without any reluctance he showed me his emails. I thought I’d given him the benefit of the doubt but still felt suspicious. That morning I went to work a little late, hence I checked that Chinese personal website, decided to join and when I joined I realised it gave you an option to check your Chinese personal mailbox, when I click on the link to the page, it redirected me to the page entitled ‘Mailbox’ and I knew my partner was lying to me, that he had joined the site. I called him right away and started shouting how much I couldn’t believe that he’s a liar and that he’s joined the site. He hung up on me, and 15 minutes later a nasty text awaits me from him saying that, ‘It’s really over between us now. You’re right, I did join the site while we broke up and as quickly removed the profile while we’re not together. I realised I dont want to be with you, etc..’ to which I then replied to him saying that he’s a big liar because he didn’t remove the profile whilst we were broken up, because it was only the night before that he checked his mailbox from the Chinese personal site when we were still together. I told him good riddance, and right after that plenty of texts came from him saying extremely nasty things to me. That night he was awful to me throw me out of the master bedroom forced me into the other room to sleep. The next morning he came to my room to say that he’s sorry for what he’d said and done the day before. I told him it’s his personality and it’s something he has to live with. I told him that I’m moving out and he said okay. That night he went out and when he came back he went into my room and said that we belonged together and that all he wanted was to get married to me to have babies, etc. That he’s willing to convert and after we’re married I will be able to trust him as when he has family with me he will have his happiness and wont have the need to talk to other women or look elsewhere. The next morning he told me to give a couple of days to think about it to which I respond saying that I cannot trust him. Until he shows full remorse and find a way to earn my trust and show me truly that he understands how I feel, then I cant see how it’d work out. I left it at that, later on the evening he cooked something and offered me some dinner. The following three days, he made pies, etc and offered me some and tried to be nice to me. However on Thursday morning, I decided to check his profile on the Chinese personal website, only to find out that he actually joined the site 2 weeks before we had even broken up. I was extremely devastated, and he logged back on the site again the day he said he wanted to marry me. With his profile saying that are you a fun loving girl looking for a welsh gentleman to have babies with? I confronted him that night, I was extremely angry and cursed at him all the while and he simply said, ‘what does it matter now? You said it was over on Sunday, so what does it matter? Also, I changed the profile to say that it says last Sunday as I thought it’s over.’ I couldn’t believe my ears and I told him that he’d told me think about it for a couple of days, and that how he can change his mind so suddenly. He said he hasn’t but he thinks that I said its over when clearly what I said to him was something else. I said to him that until he can show full remorse over what he’s done it cant work. He honestly think that it wasn’t cheating and it wasn’t completely wrong. As he’s only emailing some women on the other side of the world, as it was an international dating site, which is true there were not one Chinese girls from the UK on that site. I asked why would he joint the chinese personal website and email other women from that ethcnicity if he wasnt looking to replace me. He then stated that the reason why is because he is simply looking for someone like me to talk to as each time we talk we ended up in arguments, which was untrue. Aside from that as he's moved his current work place and I've been working since last year September 2008 we've not had lunch together, etc and we only phone each other for 5-8 minutes at lunch time. He said talking to me at lunch drains all conversation for when he arrives home from work and theres nothing else to talk about. This i said to him is untrue, we talked for 5 minutes normally it was me who talked and when we get home all he wanted to do is just watch the tv and do nothing else. I just dont know what to believe. He mentioned that he's not looking to replace me, but simply to find someone like me to talk to. Does that makes any sense at all? The next day I tried to tell him exactly how I feel, that how he could’ve done this to me to which he wasn’t interested in listening as he said I’ve already decided that its over. That was last week on Friday and now he’s been ignoring me completely. At this moment in time, all I could think is how much I want to be with him. But the only way I can be with him is if he truly feels remorse over what he’s done and understand how much trust he’s broken and try his hardest to make things better. I dont feel that from him, it felt as though he gives up so easily. If someone really wants to marry you, shouldn’t they do all they can to convince the other party how much they want it to work out? I just really dont know what to do. Any advice is great. Please help.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] I just wanted to quote all of that.
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