My wife says she's not cut out for Motherhood.

[cpkzpk]

Hi, I'm 39 and my wife is 37. We've been together since HS and got married when she finished college. All totaled, we've been together for 21 years with a 6 month separation about 7 years ago. We both work full time and my wife is very successful. We have 2 beautiful boys 9 and 3. The little guy is very difficult and the big guy is sweet as they come but he just has a hard time listening and following directions. So when they are not acting up to my wife's expectations she starts saying how she isn't cut out for this whole motherhood thing. And that, she feels, this isn't what she's supposed to be doing with her life. She should be doing something else more meaningful.

 

So I ask her... "Are you happy?" She gives me a half hearted "Yeah."

 

I then ask if she wants out of our marriage. And she says "No! I think everything is fine with us. I just think children are over rated and I wish things could be like they were before."

 

Now she says at least a couple times a week the same words "I'm not cut out for this, this isn't for me." Everytime she says it I get angry and more resentful.

 

And everytime she says those things I tell her how disheartening that is to hear on a weekly basis.

 

She won't go to counseling because she feels that counseling is a waste of time. She used to go for Anger management but quit because she felt that it was BS and that she knew more than the therapist.

 

I love my wife and my children! But I wonder how much longer this could go on? How much longer could she keep saying these things without, finally, doing something about it? I feel that it will lead to divorce. I don't want that. But maybe that's what she ultimatley wants...

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Hi, I'm 39 and my wife is 37. We've been together since HS and got married when she finished college. All totaled, we've been together for 21 years with a 6 month separation about 7 years ago. We both work full time and my wife is very successful. We have 2 beautiful boys 9 and 3. The little guy is very difficult and the big guy is sweet as they come but he just has a hard time listening and following directions. So when they are not acting up to my wife's expectations she starts saying how she isn't cut out for this whole motherhood thing. And that, she feels, this isn't what she's supposed to be doing with her life. She should be doing something else more meaningful.

 

So I ask her... "Are you happy?" She gives me a half hearted "Yeah."

 

I then ask if she wants out of our marriage. And she says "No! I think everything is fine with us. I just think children are over rated and I wish things could be like they were before."

 

Now she says at least a couple times a week the same words "I'm not cut out for this, this isn't for me." Everytime she says it I get angry and more resentful.

 

And everytime she says those things I tell her how disheartening that is to hear on a weekly basis.

 

She won't go to counseling because she feels that counseling is a waste of time. She used to go for Anger management but quit because she felt that it was BS and that she knew more than the therapist.

 

I love my wife and my children! But I wonder how much longer this could go on? How much longer could she keep saying these things without, finally, doing something about it? I feel that it will lead to divorce. I don't want that. But maybe that's what she ultimatley wants...

She sounds a little self centered to start off with kids arnt like puppy dogs you don't have them and then decide it isn't for you.

 

My advice maybe you need to think about your children 1st seeing as she isn't maybe you two need to split and you get custody with her having visitation.

 

Not trying to be rude but just thinking about whats best for them no point in forcing them on her if shes obversely not into it they will eventually pick up on that neg vibe as well.

 

Who knows maybe once shes alone again she will see just how "meaningful" having a family can be best of luck...

[TaraMaiden]

Kids' needs come first.

They're not fashion accessories you can pick up and put down on a whim.

You're "stuck with them" until the end of school. And then beyond.

if she really isn't the mother type - divorce.

And go fo full custody.

 

Sad, though, that she thinks this after having kids and not before..

[Tony T]

Your wife is being brutally honest, unlike a lot of parents who remain in denial. SHE SIMPLY DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF HAVING TO RAISE KIDS! Simple as that. Her feeling is understandable. Minus the fact that her position may be characterized by some as selfish, children can be a royal pain in the butt.

 

OK, so what you have to do is work things out so the burden (sorry to have to use that word but that's what it can be sometimes) of raising children is minimized for her for a period of time. See a counselor if you need help with this. Work out a schedule where she has time away from the kids to regroup and stabilize. In the very best of situations, raising young kids is a horrendously difficult chore and dealing with it 24/7 puts every parent in contention for the Nobel Prize. It simply isn't easy.

 

If you want to get your wife back on the right page, empathize with her...she's being a lot more honest than many...and work through it with a set of strategies and compromises that will make life easier for her for a while. Later on, when the kids are older and more well behave and self sufficient, she'll be very grateful you encouraged her to hang in there.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Protect your children from her. Boys who grow up with distant and resentful mothers tend to have a hell of a lot of emotional problems later on in life. It wounds children deeply, and stays with them for life.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd divorce and be twice the parent that my spouse refused to be and would do everything in my power to shield my children from that indifference and resentment. I'd make sure that the other parent had extremely limited visitation. It would be far better to have an absent parent than it would to have one who simply did not have it in them to be even a halfway decent parent.

 

I take the hardline on this - having been victim to it myself.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Didnt she know that having and raising kids was gonna be no F-ing fairytaile. She sucks and postpartum or depression whatever. I would consider getting down to a lawyer before she becomes one of the walk away wives we see often. She's probably gonna do something stupid soon.

 

She's letting you know now from her words and her actions and trust it's gonna hurt.

[giotto]

why having 2?

[Devil Inside]

So I am going to have to agree with Tony T on some points. Is it hard to raise kids?...yes. Do I sometimes wish I could be free of the responsibility?...yes. Do I sometimes feel that I am not cut out to be a parent?...Heck yeah. Do I sometimes feel unhappy as a parent of young children?...yes.

 

So, for starters, it is completely natural to feel all the things that she is feeling. Many parents feel the same way. Society has told us it is not ok to feel like that...but that is a load of crap. The sacrifice involved with raising children is huge, and it is hard work. Luckily...being a parent is also rewarding.

 

So, even though feeling this way is normal, I would be concerned if she actually articulated these feeling s in your childrens presence. Ouch. Nothing more hurtful then to hear your mom wished she didn't have to be your mom. Make sure they never have to hear those words. If she is looking especially burned out, take your boys and go outside or something...you know how to read your wife.

 

I looked at her comment..."i'm not cut out for this" a little diferently. She may be communicating her feeling like a bad parent. She may feel very defeated by her childrens behavior and her lack of control in changing the situation. Being a parent is very humbling. Maybe she needs support. Lack of parenting confidence often manufests as coldness towards the children.

 

As for divorce, she told she did not want to. She is struggling. Try again to get her to go into counseling. Many of our childhood issues come up when raising our own children. She may be depressed. Is she a stay-at-home mother? Maybe she should get a part-time job or something. Some parents have a difficult time being at home all day...it can be very isolating. Sometimes, time away with adults makes you treasure your time with your children more.

 

In the end, if she refuses to take some action towards coping with her feelings of ambivalence about being a mother, you have to protect your boys. Give them extra love. Make sure they know they are treasured. All the research shows...one invovled and checked in parent is enough.

 

Good luck brother...this is hard stuff.

[giotto]

she will walk out, eventually... sounds to me like your wife is deeply unhappy.

[JamesM]

I am a parent of four children. And for the most part, I wouldn't change it for anything. My wife is a great mother and the kids love her.

 

Having said that, the feelings that your wife is having are not as unusual as some make it sound. Fact is as parents we sometimes get overwhelmed and do wish that things were as simple as they were when we were just a couple.

 

My wife would never want to get rid of her family or kids, but she at times does feel that it is overwhelming and says so. What that tells me is that she feels that she is carrying the burden by herself. I sometimes feel that way and it is usually because I feel that I do not have enough time for myself or for the things I need to do.

 

It is never because I want to get rid of my children. This is important to remember.

 

Your wife tells you these things IMO because she is wanting you to "fix" things.

 

So, what is her schedule? Your schedule? How many hours do you work? Does she get out and either work or get out with her friends? Do the two of you get out alone very often? Do you sit down with her and listen to her day?

 

Do you have overwhelming financial debts?

 

I disagree wholeheartedly with the ones who say this is her saying she wants out. I disagree with the ones who say you should take the kids and run.

 

IMO it is simply a cry for help. And as her husband, you should put aside your feelings of anger and take her comments not as seriously as you do. She is venting and is looking for some resolution. When you respond with anger, then she doesn't feel that anything is being done, so she never gets some sort of "light at the end of the tunnel" but instead sees this as how her life will be. As a result, she doesn't get to enjoy the life she has now.

 

If it is like our life, sometimes all it takes is a small change or two.

[giotto]

there is no light at the end of the tunnel with kids... when a mother says "I just think children are over rated and I wish things could be like they were before", to me it's a big alarm bell and H is justified in being worried. I would if my wife said that non stop. It might be a cry for help, but to me it seems more than that...

 

Sit down a talk to her properly...

[whichwayisup]

Talk to her and tell her that a decison has to be made either way..Counselling for her is a must (maybe she is depressed, or just scared of all the responsibilities that go along with being a parent, she feels overwhelmed) or she can move out and be on her own, have visitation with the kids, but give you full custody.

 

This IS serious and I think it's a cry for help.

[JamesM]

there is no light at the end of the tunnel with kids...

 

Sit down a talk to her properly...

 

I do agree....this takes some talking out without anger and resentment. As husband, it is important to act as an objective listener. If that cannot be done, then a listener is needed.

 

I disagree that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. For me, the early years were the hardest. We had four kids under six. This is busy. Now that they are all over eight, it is much easier. In fact, we can leave them alone and get out.

 

The light may simply be that she will have her life back to a large degree. It just may take a few more years. Once both children are in school, then the day is free. But during that time, it may be that she needs some time to herself.

 

And that is why I ask all of the questions. Sometimes I am lucky enough to get a day alone. This gets me re-energeized for life again. And my wife gets away for the same reason.

[westernxer]

Let her go away for a weekend with some girlfriends, to a spa or something, far away from you and the kids.

 

Might work wonders.

[giotto]

I disagree that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

surely you didn't miss my little smiley?

 

For me, the early years were the hardest. We had four kids under six. This is busy. Now that they are all over eight, it is much easier. In fact, we can leave them alone and get out.

 

The light may simply be that she will have her life back to a large degree. It just may take a few more years. Once both children are in school, then the day is free. But during that time, it may be that she needs some time to herself.

 

And that is why I ask all of the questions. Sometimes I am lucky enough to get a day alone. This gets me re-energeized for life again. And my wife gets away for the same reason.

We have 4 as well... they are 3 years apart, so not that intensive, but still challenging (oldest is 17, youngest is 8). It is true that it gets a lot easier after 8, although the youngest still manages the odd tantrum!

 

We also have full time jobs, like the OP. My wife works shifts, but I work from home. So, it's a busy life and we have no help, since my family is in another country and my wife's family is 200 miles away.

 

But I have never ever heard my wife complaining about the children. Ever! So the OP's wife might well be depressed and she definitely needs some time off... I will say again that her behaviour needs investigating, ASAP...

[Lizzie60]

My question to OP: is she a good mother or not?

 

She might think that children are a burden and say it to you.. but do you think she's a fairly good mother?

 

Be honest.

[SoulSearch_CO]

She should be doing something else more meaningful.

Wow. And I thought raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted humans was pretty meaningful. It's too bad she didn't figure that out before having the kids...too late, now.

 

Instead of counseling, have you considered a parenting class? For the both of you, maybe, so she doesn't feel singled out?

[angie2443]

I then ask if she wants out of our marriage. And she says "No! I think everything is fine with us. I just think children are over rated and I wish things could be like they were before."

...

 

I hope she never says this in front of the children. It would break their hearts:(. Please try to get her into counsiling and like some one else said, protect your kids.