4givrnt4gtr Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Man im such a mess!!! Im sorry, i know Ive posted here like a million times since this whole LDR started, but Im really really nervous, sad, all kinds of crazy things! Today all these thoughts and reasons as to why its not going to work out has been completely filling my head. I start to think that he doesnt love me as much as it is necessary for this to work. I went to facebook and was looking at pictures of a friend who just got married, her husband looks so so so in love with her. I then looked at another friend's facebook who also just got married, and I saw all this lovey dovey messages from her husband (ironically, also LDR). It made me sad because my bf has never written anything like that to me. I keep thinking that my bf doesnt love me like that. why? I dont know, maybe because he's only told me he loves me once, when he was completely drunk. Maybe because he was completely broken hearted when we got together and admitted to me that I was somewhat of a rebound at first. Maybe because he still has not untagged himself from the pictures he's with his ex, hugging and napping together. Maybe because we broke up early on because he said he wanted to be single once he moved away. There are just so many reasons..... But then I think about all the things that makes us strong, like, how besides his break up, he was going through his parents divorce, he hated his job and this city. It was hard, but with a lot of patience we got through it. Like how after he told me he couldnt do long distance, and I refused to be just a fling and we broke up, he called me three days later telling me he couldnt let me go, that he was willing to work on opening up, letting me in and even give long distance a try. This was major because he wouldnt even considered it with his ex. Like how considerate he always is, how he takes care of little details and always ALWAYS wants to make me happy. Like when he mentioned the pictures and told me he wished he could take them off, but since they are his friends, it would be too complicated and give the wrong impression. Like how he told me he hates taking pictures kissing, yet when his friend took a picture of us and he saw it, he thought it was cute. Im in a constant fight with myself, bringing up reasons why this wont work, and then fighting them with evidence to the contrary.....its driving me crazy and Im afraid Im gonna snap and just call everything off out of fear....what if we're not meant to be together? what if what we have is not good enough to make it work for the long run? what if after this, we live in the same place again and then realize is not good? And then i start thinking of all these crazy things i need to do to make sure my bf loves me, or gets to love me more, like, be more difficult, not answer his calls all the time so he doesnt take me for granted. Learn new things to be more interesting, learn more about the things he likes so we have more in common. Im seriously losing it God i hate my brain. I need my brain to stop. I need my fears to stop or im gonna kill it, and in the process im gonna end up in an asylum. has anyone felt like this? is it normal? or should i listen to my fears and be more cautious? not planned my life around this relationship? so so scared
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 I guess it doesnt help that I havent heard from him in any way for over a day (when we were talking/texting/chatting pretty much all day every day since he left). I knew he was gonna be busy yesterday. Still i sent him two texts telling him I was thinking of him and a message on facebook. All three went ignored. His phone is on and he is signed onto gmail chat, as he usually is, yet, nothing. I know he was gonna be busy today as well, but not even a text? really???? I dont know what to make of it or say to him when (if) he does call
jumi Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 first of all, yes, i know what your brain feels like right now. i've been through similar thoughts before. the power of the brain is pretty amazing, and sometimes its a little too much power for any of us to control :-p. don't worry, you are not going to an asylum :-p just realize that there are things that are out of your control (like the LDR situation youre in) that you have to accept and make the best out of them. second, what you can control and what you always have control of is your perspective. and like you said, you are flipping between two perspectives constantly... being cynical and being optimistic. you know which one hurts and which one is comfortable. anyway; the point here is to take advantage of what you have control over (perspective) and use it for good and to the best of your abilities, in that sense you are giving yourself the best chance for happiness and a successful LDR. thinking of why your LDR wont work is useless. stop doing that, calm down, or else you are giving yourself irrational reasons to end a relationship that has the potential to be life-long. at least give your relationship the chance to grow. you have to forgive your boyfriend for not always being there to chat and just trust that he cares for you, whether he leaves you lovey-dovey messages or not. all guys are different, he may not be the type to leave those lovey dovey msgs and don't hate him for that. find the ways he expresses his love for you and cherish that. believe me, you will regret letting a love slip through your fingers just because you were afraid. if he comes back and it turns out you guys aren't meant for eachother, then at least you have the satisfaction of having given it a fair shot and not giving up on it.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Thank you for your replies! it really means a lot, especially when it gets tough. Yesterday I realized I couldnt live life mopping around, sad and missing him all the time. Specially not when I knew he was out there busy living life. He did text me yesterday, sweet as always, telling me that he had been out til midnite cuz it takes him three hours to get home from school and had been in meeting all day. He also called me at night and again this morning. After he text yesterday I decided i couldnt keep on going like that. I got up, shoke myself off and went out with a friend. I had a great time, i felt like myself again and I was a bit ashamed of the pitiful, pathetic needy girl I have become since he left. I remembered that I am a very strong independent girl, and that I dont NEED him to be happy. I love him to pieces, but i still got my life, my friends and my dreams to chase. Thats why he asked me out, because I was so happy with who I was back then, then why change? I made the decision to stop living for him and start living for me, loving him, but living my life. I loved talking to my friend about random things, with my phone in the living room, away from me. We then head out to the movies and when he called I let it go to voicemail, not as punishment, but as a conscious decision of not needing his constant reassurance to let me know we're gonna be ok. I felt quite ok not talking to him and getting distracted with other things, and to my surprise, i realized that didnt mean I love him any less, much like him not contacting me on a busy day didnt mean he stop caring. He left me a message and since I didnt get out of the movies til midnite i didnt respond. Unfortunately Ive been having trouble sleeping so by 4am I texted him. He called me at 5 and we talked for almost an hour. It felt good to talk to him about what I was doing, the things ive learned and stuff. I felt like i was actualy contributing to the relationship instead of just listening to him about how awesome his life is right now. It felt good. Unfortunately, I have yet to be able to sleep. I didnt sleep more than 2 hours (went to sleep at 8am, woke up at 10am) but i am working really hard on keeping the positive attitude. Its tough, the negative thoughts and reasosn resurface every once in a while throughout the day, but Im fighting them with a lot of hope and remembering that I am worth loving and Im sure he sees that (if not...his loss!! )
venuskies Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I so know how you feel, I'm dealing with the same thing right now :'(
Lovin a scrapper Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Unfortunately, I have yet to be able to sleep. I didnt sleep more than 2 hours (went to sleep at 8am, woke up at 10am) but i am working really hard on keeping the positive attitude. Its tough, the negative thoughts and reasosn resurface every once in a while throughout the day, but Im fighting them with a lot of hope and remembering that I am worth loving and Im sure he sees that (if not...his loss!! ) Im hoping that everything works out for you and you are right, it will be his loss. He better wake up and count his blessings before its too late. Sorry that Im not much of an advice giver but I sure can be a supporter and you got that from me anytime.
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