Exit Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 There are certain small things happening lately that make me think she could be coming back. I know I shouldn't be snooping around on social networking sites, then I wouldn't know about these things anyway. Hope is dangerous. I will just end up hurt when it turns out to not be what I expected. But I can't help it.
caramel c Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Tell us. What exactly are these things that are giving you hope?
jenfrizt Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 hmmm did she post something that trigger your hopes up??
northstar1 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 There are certain small things happening lately that make me think she could be coming back. I know I shouldn't be snooping around on social networking sites, then I wouldn't know about these things anyway. Hope is dangerous. I will just end up hurt when it turns out to not be what I expected. But I can't help it. Exit, please don't build up hope based on something you saw online. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. Unless she is at your door asking for a second chance, trying to decipher something you saw on a site is just looking for a needle in a haystack. What did you see that has given you some hope? And I ask this because I also did this back in the 'day', and would try and read into things myself.
greenparrot Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 by all means maintain a negativity, its for the best. If she comes back, let it be a big demostration, its only fair after all the hell you have been through.
Devil Inside Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Exit...what are you doing!!!! I remember when you posted after it was over...you were devastated. We helped you with NC. Man, listen, looking her up on the web is breaking NC. Just tell yourself that. Your mind will play tricks with you. You want to be back together so it is going to interpret all she says as signs she is coming back. Trust me, you can't trust your perception yet. You won't be able to until you stop wanting her back. If she wants to get back together (not that you should) she will make it obvious. You will not need to read between the lines. Stop torturing yourself...hope is dangerous for you right now...put down the mouse!
Author Exit Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 Well I wasn't going to get into specifics to stop myself from dwelling on it, but since so many of you asked.... She is seeing someone and for a while their profile pictures were both a picture of hugging each other. Also I saw this guy getting comments like "glad you finally found someone!" as if he's been single for a long while. I risked looking again a few days ago and their profile pictures are no longer that picture of them together, I find that strange considering they should still be in the honeymoon phase, plus that tidbit about him being single for a long time, seems strange he would take down the picture featuring his new GF. Plus her status say "(Name) is not happy... mood: pissed off", and a few days later "(Name) is beginning to wonder.... mood: optimistic", and this was after I wrote her a letter telling her how much I've changed etc etc. I realize she could be "wondering" about anything, she could be wondering about marrying this guy for all I know. But I can't help thinking she means me.
kizik Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Harsh reality dose time. What the heck is wrong with you that you're hanging onto to little "clues" that you are getting from her Facebook, and interpreting them as "signs" that she might be coming back? You're living in a sad world in which she CLEARLY still controls you. You should NOT be checking out her profile, and honestly I think it's really sad (though I've been there, it's awful, etc.) that you would STILL be hanging onto her scraps of attention, via the internet. There is NOTHING attractive about a guy who waits and waits and waits for his EX girlfriend to throw him another bone every couple weeks or something. When are you going to take control of your OWN life? Because it sure looks like you've given her the keys to jumpstart you if she wants. In total honestly, I think it's pathetic that you would cyberstalk her and get excited when you see she's split from the new guy, in the hopes that you will have another chance. F*ck this girl. Can't you see that you're remaining stagnant and depressed b/c you're WAITING for her to come around and "like" you again? It's sad that you're still her emotional slave. Change it. Grab your sack and say "f*ck you" to her in your mind. Are you going to wait for her forever? Or are you going to stop looking at her profiles and move on with your life, WITHOUT her?
vivrantflo Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I've been off this site for a while, and im glad that Kizik is still here. One of my favourite posters. Exit, read what Kizik posted and take it to heart, cause everything he said here is gold.
Author Exit Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 Thanks for the attempted dose at tough love. I've never been the type to "Grab my sack" and act like a tough guy. I messed up in this relationship, and yes, so far I have chosen to wait for her. Being in denial about my feelings, fondling myself, and forcing myself to forget someone who I wanted to marry doesn't seem much more useful to me. Yes I'm hanging onto scraps, because sometimes all she got from me were scraps of attention in between my outbursts of short temper and depression.
kizik Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I'm sorry you can't hear what I'm saying right now. Tough love either breaks through one's many barriers of BS, or it offends the person; clearly you had the latter reaction. At this point, b/c you don't seem to want to change or take charge of your life, I can only say "best of luck". I don't advocate second chances (b/c they NEVER work), but since you're quite set on that course then good luck getting her back. -kiz
northstar1 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I'm sorry you can't hear what I'm saying right now. Tough love either breaks through one's many barriers of BS, or it offends the person; clearly you had the latter reaction. At this point, b/c you don't seem to want to change or take charge of your life, I can only say "best of luck". I don't advocate second chances (b/c they NEVER work), but since you're quite set on that course then good luck getting her back. -kiz Everyone comes to the realization it's truly over at some point Kiz, some take longer than others. Exit will get to that point when he gets sick of feeling like that and say F-it. Not much more we can offer at this point if he chooses to wait.
Dmoney28 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 i understand how you feel exit...but Kiz and the rest are right. I know it hurts bro...i know it sucks. It can be deppressing and puts a gray cloud over everything. I like you caused my relationship to fall apart. I didnt show her the attention she needed. I acted like a A-hole alot of the time. When she left, it took me almost year to mature and grow the F up. But i did. And i know you have too. I know you have seen all the mistakes you had made, and learned from it to become a better person. But she is gone. I know that nagging voice that tells you...she was your soul mate. I know that feeling that you guys shared a speacial bond ( and you guys did). But she, like my ex, is gone...with someone else, living her life. All you can do is heal...there is nothing you can do to make her come back. There is nothing you can say to make her come back. Its just something that we have to accept. I know you have never been this close to another person before. My ex was like my best friend, my lover and my other half. But no matter how much in my heart she still is...its over. I hate it ...but i have to accept it. No one is telling you , that you have to wake up tomorro and have zero feelings for her ( that takes time, depending on the person). What you have to do is ACCEPT the situation for what it is, and try and move on with your life...is it hard? yes...does it suck knowing she is with someone else? yes. But what else can you do?...nothing but try and move on. I spent 7 months of LC and reading into things...and it only made me feel like a bigger idiot when i learned she was dating this other guy at the same time. whether he was a rebound or not..it dosent matter. Just keep up with total NC. If by some miracle she contacts you for another chance, then fine....but as of now...that aint happening. Just hang in there...thats all we can do. I empathjize with you bro...i really do. we have to survive this.
t0ri Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I can relate, unfortunately. I've been guilty of stupidly trying to find some hope through my ex's status' and postings on social-networking sites for months after he broke up with me. I've stopped that, as I've accepted it's over for good. It doesn't matter who is to blame for the failure of your relationship with your ex at this point. What DOES matter is that she is with someone else and not you - it's over. It fell apart, and now it's time to move on. If she is going to come back, you'll KNOW it, and won't have to look for signs. Keep your chin up You'll stop searching at some point, when you fully accept reality.
Author Exit Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 What you have to do is ACCEPT the situation for what it is, and try and move on with your life... Well I feel I have done that, that's why I don't like when people criticize me a bit too harshly. I have not sat here dying over this girl. I have rekindled old friendships, I got a job after being unemployed and struggling for a year, I'm eating healthy, I'm thinking about going back to school. My only defense for my actions and my beliefs about this situation is the way she's behaving. She reads ever letter I send her (you can see on myspace if a letter is read or unread). I have told her to go ahead and block me if our communication needs to stop, she said no. My letters are never ambiguous "hey, how are you?", each and every letter is talking about trying to make our relationship work again, and she reads them. We had a phone conversation and I asked if she loves her new boyfriend and she said no. Just the other day I sent her a letter saying, for all the days you loved me and didn't feel loved in return, I've sat here loving you while you don't love me. For all the times you felt like I paid attention to or had feelings for another girl, I've been here loving you while you date someone else. I also talked about the fact that we met in August 2007, went on an amazing vacation in August 2008, and hoped that something great could happen for us in August again. Also at this time I uploaded a newer picture of myself showing my progress from eating healthy and lifting weights. This is when I saw they had changed their pictures, saw her saying "I'm beginning to wonder...", and it's just a combination of all those things. The letters I wrote her, the new picture of me, the new relationship possibly not being great (?), that I started getting my hopes up. I know if she wanted to come back she'd make it much clearer than that. BUT, she is smart enough to know that I will read what her status says, and she knows without a doubt that I would start thinking it was about me. I am trying to let go of her, but I feel like I need her help. I told her either I hope August can bring us together again or I hope she can finally face me and have a conversation about what happened. Early after the breakup she said things like "Go make someone else happy" and lately I've told her "if you mean that, then please help me with the baggage I am struggling with from the way we split up. I can't have feelings for someone new with the way I feel". I know she doesn't owe me any sort of conversation, but I asked her to have compassion because clearly she can see how caught I still am on her. So at the very least I'll probably be keeping myself strapped to this rollercoaster for one more week until August is over. Either I won't hear back from her either way, or I'll see a picture of them together again, something will come along and snatch this hope away from me. Or perhaps, she really is wondering about something. I'm sorry, I know you're all trying to help me, but I already can't forgive myself for what I did wrong in the relationship, I cannot live with myself if I end up feeling like I didn't try everything to get her back as well. I know that cutting the string, ending the contact, and moving on, are all my own decisions. But because of my strong feelings for her, I have asked her for her assistance in doing these things, and she never has. I tell her which of her actions keep giving me hope, and she doesn't stop. She reads my letters. When I ask for some of my belongings back and tell her it will finally get rid of me, she doesn't give them back.
Dmoney28 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 you are walking a very dangerous and painful path. I know...i been down that road. I remained in contact with my ex for 6 months after the break up. I thought i could show her i really did love her, and i could show her this new me...and show her the love she needed. She read and coresponded to all my emails....and it made no diffrence. IT DID NOT WORK...I can tell you whats going to happen. One day she will cut you off completly....she will. And the more you send her e-mails and contact her....the worse you are making you situation. You are comming off needy and dependent. Not somthing your ex needs to see from you. There is no choice...you have to do that LOOOONGGG walk of NC and recovery. I'm doing it now...and it sucks. I dreamed about her last night. And this is almost a year later. I have let go of the hope...all i'm doing is enduring the pain..as must you
Author Exit Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 Well for one thing, the generalizations I see at these forums "always", "never", "it happened to me", "I can tell you what's gunna happen", are not always true. Nobody ever knows. Some people do get back together. As far as committing to recovery, like I said, I guess I'll swallow that pill when August is over with. Because again, when I write her these letters and say "I hope we can try again, or have a conversation for closure", it would take her three seconds to just write back "It's going to be neither, leave me alone". She hasn't written back at all actually. She's letting me sit here and hope as the rest of this month ticks by. And I'm tempted to get in touch with her and just ask for her answer now and save me a week of suffering and despair, but as you said, that just makes me look desperate and needy.
northstar1 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Well for one thing, the generalizations I see at these forums "always", "never", "it happened to me", "I can tell you what's gunna happen", are not always true. Nobody ever knows. Some people do get back together. As far as committing to recovery, like I said, I guess I'll swallow that pill when August is over with. Because again, when I write her these letters and say "I hope we can try again, or have a conversation for closure", it would take her three seconds to just write back "It's going to be neither, leave me alone". She hasn't written back at all actually. She's letting me sit here and hope as the rest of this month ticks by. And I'm tempted to get in touch with her and just ask for her answer now and save me a week of suffering and despair, but as you said, that just makes me look desperate and needy. You are right, the advice is not universal. There are "Second Chances", but the success rate of that happening is extremely low. Look, no matter what anyone tells you on here - those who have gone through it before, you will do what you have to do. If this is what you need to go through to feel you did all you could do to reconcile, so be it. People are just giving you advice based on their experiences after a breakup (the hope, the waiting, the writing of letters/emails etc, NC/LC all the works). Does it mean it will apply to your situation - maybe/maybe not. Yes, it's tough love, but it's because people see you in pain, and they recognize that pain as having been their own at some point and so they want to help you get through that pain. This is how I rationalized my own situation when I was in limbo for months, doing what you are doing.....It's a silly analogy, but bare with me.... You get to the airport and are late for your flight for a vacation and they close the departure gate and the plane begins to taxi to the runway. What do you do? Do you sit around agonizing over what happened, hoping that against all odds the plane plane will stop, turn around and come back for you? At this point, it doesn't matter whose fault it was you missed the plane - the point it, the plane has left. Or do you realize that the plane has gone, it's not coming back, and if you really want to get the hell out of that airport and go find another flight that will take you where you want to go?. I'm not saying that will work for you, but I'm saying that once something has left, it rarely comes back for you.
JLT123 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I suppose I am one of the lucky ones who's ex is on neither facebook or myspace. I guess I would agree with all here that getting your hopes up base on clues is probably not the greatest of ideas, though I'm not one to talk.. I sit around most days with a 'gut instinct' telling myself she's probably not happy and will be back eventually.
Devil Inside Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Hey Exit...man...bro...come on. This is hard to read. It's like watching your friend take sips of poison everyday. We come on here..tell you it's poison, no matter how good it tastes...and yet you continue to drink it. I know that you have to do what you have to do...we all have gone down this path a time or two, so I'm not going to judge or generalize. I just hope that when you look back months from now, you can own that you kept this going so much longer than it needed to go. You made the pain drag out over time, and you were the one that was responsible for missing out on opportunities because you delayed moving on. Come on man...she is responsible because she reads what you write?...WHAT!!!!!! That is just twisted logic. Take responsibility for yourself...more importantly...love yourself enough to at least admit...you are keeping this going. I feel for you man. I hope you find the strength to scrap any contact you have with her. No more letters, drop her on social networking sites, drop her email, drop her phone number...**** block it. Never look back...because chances are, she's not looking back...she's looking on to guy number two.
vivrantflo Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 My only defense for my actions and my beliefs about this situation is the way she's behaving. She reads ever letter I send her (you can see on myspace if a letter is read or unread). I have told her to go ahead and block me if our communication needs to stop, she said no. My letters are never ambiguous "hey, how are you?", each and every letter is talking about trying to make our relationship work again, and she reads them. We had a phone conversation and I asked if she loves her new boyfriend and she said no. I feel your paiin dude, but you have no real defense. Of course she's gonna read every letter you send just by curiosity alone. That means nothing. She's not going to block you because you asked if she wants that. Im sure the attention you're giving her is flattering and validating her, but thats about it. Whether she loves the new dude or not, what does it matter? She's dating him, sleeping with him, and spending her time with him. Stop torturing yourself by asking her these questions. Most of us speak from experience cause we've done the same things... Just the other day I sent her a letter saying, for all the days you loved me and didn't feel loved in return, I've sat here loving you while you don't love me..... I also talked about the fact that we met in August 2007, went on an amazing vacation in August 2008, and hoped that something great could happen for us in August again..... Also at this time I uploaded a newer picture of myself showing my progress from eating healthy and lifting weights. Stop sending her letters. You mean well, but they will not work in the ways you expect them to. You expect them to be touching, eye-watering emails, that show her how much you love her, and want her back. It doesn't work that way, cause she has checked out romantically from you, and attached herself to someone else.. so these emails are seriously making her feel sorry for you. Pity does not equal attraction. Don't send her pics of yourself either. Seriously. I know if she wanted to come back she'd make it much clearer than that. BUT, she is smart enough to know that I will read what her status says, and she knows without a doubt that I would start thinking it was about me. So, instead of playing her game, stop reading her headlines. Better yet, block her on every website that you have her on. You just admitted that she's playing around with you, and you're playing the game. It's just hurting you, and validating her. Not fun. "if you mean that, then please help me with the baggage I am struggling with from the way we split up. I can't have feelings for someone new with the way I feel". So you pretty much gave her the green light to spend time with, and sleep with anyone she wants, cause you'll always be attached to her. She's not going to help you get over her. That's ridiculous. You need to step up, and control this situation by cutting her off. Whether you grovel over her, or live your life healthy, she's still going to be with this guy. So why not be healthy? So at the very least I'll probably be keeping myself strapped to this rollercoaster for one more week until August is over. Either I won't hear back from her either way, or I'll see a picture of them together again, something will come along and snatch this hope away from me. Or perhaps, she really is wondering about something. You don't need something to snatch your hope away. You'll feel much better with yourself if you can look in the mirror and say to yourself..."I tried, but she's with someone else. I have to move on with my life. Im going to go back to school, continue working out, eating right, meeting new people, so when I meet another great girl, I have so much to offer." Then you walk. Over time, you'll feel 1000x better. I know that cutting the string, ending the contact, and moving on, are all my own decisions. But because of my strong feelings for her, I have asked her for her assistance in doing these things, and she never has. I tell her which of her actions keep giving me hope, and she doesn't stop. She reads my letters. When I ask for some of my belongings back and tell her it will finally get rid of me, she doesn't give them back. Stop asking her for help. For starters, she wont help you, and two she won't find that very attractive. At all. She would in all honesty, find you so much more attractive if you just walked away, and ignored her. She doesn't hate you, so she's not going to crush you. If you want belongings back, let her know, and then leave it at that. Just cease contact. No more letters, drop her on social networking sites, drop her email, drop her phone number...**** block it. Never look back...because chances are, she's not looking back...she's looking on to guy number two. Check, and mate.
Author Exit Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Well in all fairness, I wasn't begging for help in this thread. I simply said I was hoping when I knew I shouldn't be, and I knew what kind of responses I would get. I appreciate all the advice but all I can say is I will NOT feel better to force myself to stop talking to her. And I'm sorry, but with the abruptness of our breakup, I do feel like I need her help to understand. I could run around wasting time and money going to doctors, trying to get them to validate my feelings by telling me she has commitment or trust issues, but the only person who can give me any information that really matters is her. My only choice is to handle this my way and follow my own feelings. To do it anyone else's way will just lead to regret later on. Sorry but I disagree with the idea that she'd find me more attractive if I walked away and ignored her, the entire problem with out relationship was that she felt I didn't appreciate her.
PinkToes Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 This makes me sad because I can tell you're in a lot of pain. But I absolutely agree that you need to fight your way through it in your own way and in your own time. It's very easy to give advice based on what we all wish we had done differently, but I seriously doubt that very many of us would have taken that generic advice while we were in the middle of our own breakups. It isn't like we're all 13 and had no idea what to do after a relationship ended; most of the time, we knew what to do, and for our own reasons, we chose not to. I respect that that's where you are. It makes me sad because I know it hurts. But you need to find your way out of this, and you know that in your gut. However it turns out, I hope you find peace & healing very soon.
Author Exit Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks PinkToes, that was a nice post. I am handling this the only way I know how. I've been through many breakups before, taken them very hard on myself, but when I felt like I did nothing wrong, I went NC. Only in this case, when I know I did wrong, when I know me being out of work and her being stressed out with school tore us apart, do I feel like it is worth pursuing someone who left me. She hastily made up her mind one night after an argument and I feel like there is potential to get through to her. So much has changed, I have a job, I've battled my depression, she has graduated from the school that she hated, and things could be better. You are right, I am in immense pain. No matter where I am or what I am doing, things remind me of her, and I am always on the verge of tears. I have never loved someone this much and unfortunately I realized too much of it too late.I do want to stop hurting, and I know everyone giving me advice wants my pain to go away too. All I can say is thank you for your opinions, but I honestly feel like if I just eliminate all traces of her right this moment, take away any possibility of her answering my letters or talking to me this week, my pain would only grow worse. I have set up deadlines for myself before and yet continued to talk to her. I am going to attempt yet again at the end of this month. If she says no again, I will come here and post about it, and will do my best to take advice and learn how to let go. Once I know whether or not this "*** is beginning to wonder..." is about me or not, I'll be able to get some sleep at night. To the people who say she is in control of me, yes, she absolutely is right now. But wanting her back has inspired me in so many ways, I've overcome my depression like no medication ever could have done for me, I have forced myself to get over some of the irrational fears and anxieties I've had for 10+ years, all for the love of this woman. So although this process has hurt, it has done a lot for me, and I'm not sure being stubborn, telling myself "her loss", and going NC, ever would have gotten me where I am now. This was not a time in my life to be cocky and tell myself I had done nothing wrong. It was time to take a long look in the mirror and admit that I was the bad guy. Maybe that's why this is such a powerful, dragged out experience for me. Because I always have been the "her loss" type of guy. I never understood why anyone wouldn't want to be with me. But I gave this girl a reason to leave me, I was awful in so many ways, and for the first time I am learning to regret, learning to apologize, learning to try to fix something, learning that this time I am in the position to do the pursuing, not the other way around. For anyone who reads this, regardless if you think I'm crazy or if I'm on the wrong path, if you can pray, or if you don't pray, just hope, that good things come my way. I appreciate it.
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