RJflashycat Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I'm glad I found this forum!! Lots of similar situations. Here is mine. Been married 14 years, have 2 boys (4 and 10). back in 05-06 I had an affair. it did get physical and emotional. I was so disgusted by what I was doing, that the 2nd (only 2) physical meeting, I actually puked before it was over. That was it for the physical part. We were very close friends after that (9-10 months). We both decided to stay away from each other, and a couple months later she left the state. That was it. Wife never found out. A year later, it happened again, and was pretty much the same scenario. This time my w found out. It stopped immediately. I've never understood why i did what i did. I've been to a counselor to help me understand why. Wasn't really a good counselor and I quit seeing him. Our marriage hasn't been "that" bad since. We have very stressful lives, and it definitely takes a toll on both of us. A couple of months ago, my w came up positive with HPV, and is having some pre-cancerous lesions removed in a couple weeks. So, what really didn't get resolved years ago, has come to life again. She started seeing a counselor to figure out where she wanted to be in life, both her personally, and with our marriage. We both agreed to see a counselor together. I started seeing the same counselor, and in 3 visits realized more about myself than i have in years. How screwed up my childhood had been, and the fact that i avoided dealing with alot of situations (molestation), it has caused some deep emotional scars, hatred with myself, and hatred towards my parents (think they've always known and didn't do anything). We've been to see the MC, last weekend in fact. It went well, the hardest part was when w said she "didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore". That was crushing. through the recent counseling on our parts (both her and I), she is very focused on her, which i have no problem with. "I need space". I'm having a difficult (lost 20+ lbs in 2 weeks now) time with it all, as i'm more than sure that she is also. I don't "think" we'll end up in d, or even separating. Key word being "think". She is VERY much against D, and says she doesn't even think of it. My fear now, is that she has/is detaching herself so much by needing space, that I'm afraid she will detach so much, as to loose the L for us and our marriage. The counselor herself even said that if it's going to work, she has to help as well. I'm trying very hard to give her that space, but i'm so scared that i tend to be clingy, and don't really notice i'm being that way 'til it's too late. i'm trying harder and getting better at giving her space. I guess i don't know what i'm asking in this message, except what you guys think. I know she stills loves me (says so daily). We kiss goodnight every night, kiss and hug goodbye in the morning, and have good conversations (although intense at times), and even get out together on occasion. There is no sex, as she's not handling the HPV to well, and is concerned as to what would happen (making it worse). I know what i did was 1000% wrong, and am the biggest piece of $hit in all of your eyes. I can't fix the past, but I feel that I/we can fix our future. What say you? -Scared to death
LakesideDream Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 RJ, You must realize that your previous actions could very well have poisened the well. Your addmitted infidelity, combined with other bad behaviors may have damaged your relationship beyond repair. On the other hand, your Wife may be willing to "work it out". My advice to you, if remaining married is your goal, is to continue with your MC, seek individual counseling and try to live your life as openly as possible. Wives do not forget .. believe me, they don't. To succeed you need to create new memories and emotions with your wife. Good Luck.
deux ex machina Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 ... It went well, the hardest part was when w said she "didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore". That was crushing. through the recent counseling on our parts (both her and I), she is very focused on her, which i have no problem with. "I need space". I'm having a difficult (lost 20+ lbs in 2 weeks now) time with it all, as i'm more than sure that she is also. I don't "think" we'll end up in d, or even separating. Key word being "think". She is VERY much against D, and says she doesn't even think of it. My fear now, is that she has/is detaching herself so much by needing space, that I'm afraid she will detach so much, as to loose the L for us and our marriage. The counselor herself even said that if it's going to work, she has to help as well. I'm trying very hard to give her that space, but i'm so scared that i tend to be clingy, and don't really notice i'm being that way 'til it's too late. i'm trying harder and getting better at giving her space. I guess i don't know what i'm asking in this message, except what you guys think. I know she stills loves me (says so daily). We kiss goodnight every night, kiss and hug goodbye in the morning, and have good conversations (although intense at times), and even get out together on occasion. There is no sex, as she's not handling the HPV to well, and is concerned as to what would happen (making it worse). I know what i did was 1000% wrong, and am the biggest piece of $hit in all of your eyes. I can't fix the past, but I feel that I/we can fix our future. What say you? -Scared to death Never believe somone when they say they will never split with you. The danger in believing that is not taking her seriously, thinking she "said she wouldn't leave". The fact of the matter is if it gets intolerable enough they will (hopefully) leave. She has a lot of stuff to work through. You are both getting what you feel is competent professional help. So, the most important thing is that wherever you both end up after all, you can keep your dignity and health intact. I agree with Lakeside in that making new memories is a great thing to do. The past is seems to be casting huge shadows right now over the both of you, and getting immersed in the past, again and again, is a bad idea right now. You need to process this stuff, and not beat each other over the head with it. In the end, things will turn out as they will. The important thing is being humane to one another on the way to whatever it shall be... Take care.
Author RJflashycat Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks to both of you for the insight. I trully appreciate it. We just returned from our second session. It's tough. I hate seeing her so upset. We have some pretty serious communication problems, it's become obvious. She is disconnected emotionally, and has been for the last year. Last August, she had said that she wanted us to have more passion, and excitement. I'm feeling like that was all my responsibility to make happen. It evidently wasn't what she was looking for. I'm so confused, as I don't know where it fell apart. She keeps saying that she doesn't know what she wants, both for us, and for herself. The fact that "we" are going to counselling is keeping me hopeful, and is about the only thing. Sometimes around the house though, she'll talk about improvements we need to do, or last night we were at Best Buy and she wanted to buy a new tv for our 5th wheel. I keep thinking that if she was trully done, she wouldn't bring up things like that, she'd just be done. I'm gonna continue to try my best at giving her space. Does anyone think it would help if I moved out for a while? This would be absolutely devastating on our 2 boys, and they would then realize that there is a problem. I don't want that at all, and I know she doesn't either, so I lean towards staying here. Not being here would further increase my worry of her getting so detached that there will be absolutely nothing left... She's out with the girls tonight, so the boys and I are going to see Aliens in the Attic... Thanks again for the feedback, this seems to be my only resource. -RJ
giotto Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 to be frank, I think she's checked out of the relationship. I was in the same situation with my wife. She said she didn't know what she wanted. I know she is not happy and if she is not happy the reason is obviously me, to a certain extent. We went to MC and didn't work out. My wife has serious communication problems and she didn't like talking about our problems. In fact, we agreed that MC made our relationship worse, because all the ugliness (read truth) came out. I'm sure she didn't like listening to all that stuff. She never like arguing and she would not talk to me for days if I said something to criticise her. She is probably staying for the children. Your infidelity didn't help either, did it? I never did anything like that and the baggage is still huge, so I can see why your situation might be irreparable. Continue with MC, but I would not move out. Don't do that to the kids until it's strictly necessary...
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