Am i just being jealous? Or is she being insensitive?

[Grumpy22]

Owh goodness, internet anonymity or not, this is awkward. Here goes.

 

Im a guy in my mid 20's who is in a 1 year relationship with a girl who just turned 20. We really enjoy our relationship and the words "marriage" and "kids" have been mentioned a few times. So we are seeing eachother as keepers.

 

However, a few days ago something happened that brought out that old green dragon: jealously.

 

My girlfriend and i are both easily jealous and normally its only a minor thing. About 6 months ago we met a guy while we were playing a online game together and she and the guy quickly became friends. Mainly because this guy was very depressed and shy and she wanted to make him feel better. This guy really reminded me of how i used to be years back, and i wish i had such a nice friend to give me attention.

 

However she started to spend more and more time talking and playing this silly game together with him, to the point of me feeling neglected. I spoke to her about this and she was sorry, and soon afterwards she stopped playing the game to focus on her university.

Things were good again, she might still give guys left and right alot of attention but still made sure i felt like her number 1, and that they knew it.

 

However, in the summer vacation she started chatting online alot again. This was normal as we are in a 'medium' range relationship and cant see eachother on a daily basis. Anyway, i still play this game and came across this guy again. She said she missed talking to him, so in a effort to be nice to her i told this guy about it and shared MSN adresses. This was earlier this week.

 

The past few days she keeps yapping about how cute he looks, how he seems to be just like how i described i was before i met her, how happy she is that insted of being a grumpy bastard he is giving her virtual hugs and being nice to her, and how she is changing him, etc,etc.

 

She knows i get jealous easily from that kind of stuff, i made that clear months ago, yet she is doing it again. Its hurting me and making me grumpy, but i dont want to be one of those demanding guys that disallows her to talk to someone.

Its ok for her to talk to him and help him feel better, but does she have to keep talking about him and giving him so much attention i feel neglected in comparison?

 

Am i just being jealous, i know im a jealous person so i want to bite down and try to solve this on my own as much as possible without bothering her. Or is she being insensitive to my jealousy? If you people need to know more, please ask, its embarrassing to talk about my relationship issues on a public forum but ill do my best.

 

This is my first real relationship. So im not sure what is accepted or what a guy can ask of a girl when it comes to taking measures to lower jealousy.

[Grumpy22]

I would love to get a reply as soon as possible. Im feeling confused about this and i would like to talk to my GF about it as soon as she comes home from work.

[digitalwizard]

Jealousy is a curse, bro. Some of us can deal with it, while others it eats alive. I'm not really the jealous type; I allow my wife to talk/flirt (to an extent) with other guys. It makes her feel appreciated and sexy. Women need to know that they are appealing to other men besides their husbands/boyfriends, even though they have no intentions of doing anything with them.

 

However, when the 'other guys' start getting more attention than you and start getting more time than you, it's time to mention something to the girlfriend. Tell her that you just want to be reassured of her love/devotion for you. Don't be mean about it. If she's defensive about it then I would suggest you find a way to be romantic and renew your love for her somehow. Be LIKE the guy she's spending all the time with. Express to her that you need her as much as she thinks that the other guy needs her. It is perfectly acceptable for men and women in relationships to have opposite sex friends, but keep a close eye because before you know it a spark can be lit and it's VERY hard to put out once it is. It's not generally anyone's fault; it just happens sometimes when two people spend TOO MUCH time together. You seem like a level-headed guy, so use your head. Approach her and let her know in a very "I LOVE YOU so much, baby" kind of way that you are just worried that she may get too close to him. Dunno what else to say. Good luck.

 

Only other suggestion is if you are ready, pop the question. Make it official and dedicate your life to this woman. You don't have to get married right now, but at least she'll know that you are committed to her alone and in turn will make her want to be committed to just you.

[Grumpy22]

Its too early to pop the question sadly, maybe in a year from now. As i said, we are unable to be together on a daily basis until in a few months from now ill be moving to the city she lives in and she will be living with me.

 

Its just that all i want is for her to give me a little reassurance and be mindful of what it does to me when she talks so much to this other guy and she keeps telling me about it. It feels like she is rubbing it in my face.

 

The ironic thing is that if roles were reversed, she'd be even more jealous and feel more neglected then i currently do. Do you think i should try the "put yourself in my position, how would you like it if X or Y" approach?

[digitalwizard]

One other thing you can try is put her in your shoes. You met this girl online. She's shy and cute. You've been spending a good deal of time with her and she's (your gf) being neglected. If she cares about you, she'll see where you are coming from b/c she would feel negative feelings about it. Maybe not jealousy, per say, but she'd definitely be effected.

 

Again, good luck. DONT FIGHT WITH HER ABOUT IT! If it comes to that, be the man and drop it and let things cool down and then bring it up later sometime.

[digitalwizard]

Be loving and gentle about it, but yes, if she's the jealous type. I would definitely do the 'role reversal' scenario. Let her know how it makes you feel. Be honest. Seriously, communication is the only way you'll make it through marriage. If she can't respect that it bothers you, then well, I dunno what to say about that. If she loves you, she'll understand.

[Grumpy22]

One other thing you can try is put her in your shoes. You met this girl online. She's shy and cute. You've been spending a good deal of time with her and she's (your gf) being neglected. If she cares about you, she'll see where you are coming from b/c she would feel negative feelings about it. Maybe not jealousy, per say, but she'd definitely be effected.

 

Again, good luck. DONT FIGHT WITH HER ABOUT IT! If it comes to that, be the man and drop it and let things cool down and then bring it up later sometime.

 

I dont want to fight with her about it. She has the right to have male friends and hang out with them whenever she wants and with whoever she wants. As long as she doesnt get sexually or romantically involved with them. And as long as she doesnt seem to enjoy talking to them, or about them, more then talking to me.

Today she knew i felt jealous and even said she noticed it, yet didnt do anything to make me feel better. That hurt.

[Grumpy22]

Well unfortunately i talked to her and explained how it made me feel and that i felt neglected.

 

She got upset at me and felt i was overreacting and that she and the guy were just friends. That according to her she didnt do anything different and that the attention she gave him didnt come at the cost of the attention i recieved from her.

 

I tried to tell her i normally always handle my jealousy well and she agreed on that part. But she just seemed angry and unable to understand i just needed some extra affection or attention and not hear her bring this guy up 10 times a day.

 

She stormed off. Not sure if i still have a girlfriend....

[D-Lish]

People will often react with hostility when they feel guilty. It's a good way to deflect responsibility. Instead of this being about her and what she's doing- she's changed the focus to your jealousy.

[Devil Inside]

Hey man, all you can do is set boundaries about what feels ok to you, and what doesn't. Whether other people think you are over reacting or not, if your gut is telling you something, then there is a reason for concern.

 

The concern is that you don't feel good about this relationship, you told her, and she got mad, like you were taking away some undeniable right. I could see if this was some old friend, but just some dude she met online.

 

Don't second guess yourself. This made you feel bad...so what are you going to do about it. She is testing you to see if you will stick to your guns on how you feel...or if you will cave like you did when you gave him her MSN (why did you do that?).

 

Look, I know you love this girl. I know you don't want to lose her. However, she will respect you more if you hold this boundary with her. If she can't handle that, then she probably isn't the one. You two are young, there will be others, no need to hold on to her at the sake of your integrity.

[nomoregummybears]

^I agree.

 

She's mentioning these things to you that she KNOWS might bother you just to push your boundaries and see how far you'll take it until you put your foot down. Yes, she needs her space, but you don't always have to hear about it. I don't think you did anything wrong; stand by how you feel!

[dreamergrl]

People will often react with hostility when they feel guilty. It's a good way to deflect responsibility. Instead of this being about her and what she's doing- she's changed the focus to your jealousy.

 

Agreed. And asking her to marry you IS NOT the answer. Sorry to whoever posted that, but come on! Furthering commitment does not erase previous problems. If anything, those problems should be fixed BEFORE that ever happens.

 

If your gf can't understand why this bothers you, she's got some self work to do.

[Grumpy22]

Guess a play by play might help decide whether i overreacted or whether she did. Sadly because of our current location this week there was no way we could discuss this face to face, only online, with webcams and chat. Not good i know, but i couldnt pretend to be in a good mood while im feeling crap.

 

- She came home 30 minutes earlier from work, being in a good mood.

- She noticed i was feeling sad and asked what was wrong.

- I told her i have been feeling neglected.

- She asked "how do you mean?"

- I explained to her that the day earlier she kept bringing this guy up in our chats every 10-15 minutes and that some things she said or didnt say made me feel bad.

- She said she only mentioned him a few times.

- I gave her an example: i always call this guy Grumpy, and earlier today she seemed to defend him by saying "He has been smiling on cam all day, and giving me virtual hugs etc. Grumpy, my ass".

- She only said "yes", seemingly in a what-of-it kind of way.

- I gave her another example: This game we met in we havent been able to play together in a while. I told her earlier today that i would love it if she could join me in it again and she replied with "yeah, i told xxx i missed playing that game with him. Its so awesome when he nerd-rages when he loses." And that it made me think "wtf...i was talking about us playing it, not playing with xxx."

- I mentioned she also said a few times "he is so cute" or "he is exactly how you said how you used to be."

- She said "sorry".

- I told her "I had hoped you would have realized i expected a little bit of help in the form of affection when its obvious im jealous. Insted of just letting me 'get over it' all by myself."

- I told her "I want you to understand you have the full freedom to pick friends and do with them what you like. But ever since you had the idea you could 'change xxx' it seemed to come at the cost of attention for me."

- I told her "I dont mind that you talk to him all day while you are unable to talk to me. You are free to talk, love, cuddle and go out with guys and girls alike obviously. But please think about how you would feel if i kept talking to some girl all the time and i kept mentioning to her, etc."

- I asked her "Can you find yourself in my position?"

- She replied with "I guess".

- I told her "When you left for work i asked you for some reassurance by asking you why you love me so much, so i dont feel so lonely." (We both do this from time to time if we feel we need some affection and feel good.)

- She replies with "Yeah, i know what you said. I didnt see the words 'im jealous' when you asked."

- I told her "You knew i was jealous. You even said you noticed it about 30 minutes before that."

- Her reply "yes, but i kind of assumed you werent anymore. I usually only stay jealous for 5 minutes or so."

- I told her "Since you found out i was jealous you didnt make a move at all to help me shake it off. I did my best to shake it off and forget it."

- I gave her another example of what made me feel bad "I was telling you how i managed to enable you to play again at my expense and you just started talking about how the game-addicted xxx dropped the game to give you attention when you were feeling lonely and i was sleeping.

- She replied with a "Well excuse me for being excited".

- I gave her an example of how she once got jealous and felt neglected when i spend some time chatting with a girl i used to date for a few hours.

- She said that was different, i used to have a sexual/romantic interest in that girl insted of just friends.

- I told her "the way you talk about xxx almost implies more then just friendly feelings".

- She looked very annoyed at this point and asked "How do you figure that?"

- I told her "Because you seem to bring him up alot since you got back in contact with him. I take it you think im overreacting and seeing things. I know im being jealous, but i also think you added to it while you should have known better."

- She commented "Yeah, i think you are overreacting. Im sorry you got upset. I however am not sorry for talking about my friend."

- Me reminding her "Darling, i dont mind if you talk to him or help him feel better, but it seemed to come at the cost of attention to me.

- She replied "It did not at all"

- Me clarifying why i felt threatened "You kept mentioning him and saying you like him etc"

- This is when she kinda eeeh, snapped "Yes i like him, alot. But I F#$%NG LOVE YOU! I dont see how me talking to xxx drew attention away from you."

- I explained to her that while i was sleeping in the morning/afternoon she felt lonely and talked to xxx and asking him for virtual hugs insted of waking me up and chatting/cuddling with me like she normally does when lonely.

- She proceeded to say that she never wakes me up unless she asks the night before or she is really upset about something. And that she actually felt neglected by me because i slept in so long. She said she wasnt upset about it because she knew i could not spend all my time with her. (curiously...when i did wake up, she denied feeling annoyed i slept so long, yet she seemed grumpy with me for a little while)

- I told her i knew she could not spend all her time with me either and that that was just fine.

- As a 'recap', i explained how i was struggling with jealousy in the few hours we talked yesterday, and that she knew i was jealous but didnt do anything to help me out and just let me 'get over it' on my own. All the while bringing this guy up every now and then. And that when finally i asked outright for affection she just bluntly referred me to something she wrote a year ago, insted of taking a few seconds to help out.

- She sighed and said "I already explained that. (her not noticing i needed help) but if my explanation and apology arent good enough..." (she shrugged)

- I told her im doing fairly well in controlling my jealousy. And i always control it and dont annoy her with it if she just takes my feelings into account.

- She agreed that overall the past year i did very well in dealing with my jealousy.

- She seemed to blow up here, saying "You KNOW damn well xxx and i are friends. I often talk about my friends."

- I replied by saying "yeah, but you dont bring the same one up a dozen times a day and saying 'he is cute' and stuff like that. And then you dont slap it into my face when i try to help us be able to do something together and you proceed to bring up the fact you want to do this with xxx"

- Angry, she said "i didnt slap anything in your face".

- I thought my words were too harsh so i said "my bad, poor choice of words."

- She just said "indeed".

- I clarified that it just seemed that she wanted to do something with xxx that i was trying to accomplish with her.

- She proceeded to yell "well then you have a #$%@ memory!"

- I calmy asked her if anyone who is trying to make it possible to do something together wants to hear the first words of the other being "i told xxx i missed doing that with him"

- She replied with "no, probably not. But you KNOW i prefer to do things with you."

- I gave her some examples of stuff she should know but still needs reminders of. Such as knowing i love her but needing to hear it from me. Or knowing its safe to be on a webcam for me but still being afraid to do it.

< At this point she shut off the webcams, i got no more replies from her>

- I told her i thought that she of all people would understand that a little reassurance or affection helps cope with the struggle against jealousy and reminding myself that she prefers spending time with me.

- I told her i was sorry for being jealous but that i was fighting it. That in general i was doing good with it and making quick progress.

- I told her i wasnt asking her to change how she and xxx communicate, only that she gives me a little help when she keeps bringing him up.

- I told her thats all i need and that the rest is up to me and that ill be able to deal with it.

< At this point she went offline, and i currently have no means of communicating with her aside from MSN >

 

Reading back how the conversation went. I cringe at how whiny i sound, i can understand her being frustrated by that. But i expected some understanding, like i always show understanding when she is overreacting or upset. She very rarely reacts this hostile to me when im upset about something.

 

Im thinking she is either insulted that i think she neglected me or is having feelings for xxx, she is angry i lost control of my jealousy, or she is setting me up for deflecting her guilt at not noticing my feelings.

 

She has a habit of deflecting things when im upset with her. Including 6 months ago when she kissed a guy while tispy and while being angry i grumbled that i couldnt even get a picture of her for on my computer but it only took a jackass a few glasses of vodka to make her kiss him. The next day she went crazy on me claiming i was suggesting her giving me her heart and soul wasnt good enough.

[Confusedalways]

I have to wonder why she is so hostile? If my boyfriend told me (seemingly repeatedly) that he felt threatened by a new friendship I was in with another guy, i'd back off completely from the other guy. Afterall, my boyfriend would mean a lot more to me than a brand new friendship.

 

I personally think she is showing her age and responding awfully to your concerns. It sounds like you very clearly expressed your concerns and she very clearly didn't respect this. If my boyfriend kept doing this type of thing to me, I wouldn't tolerate it. Maybe she's testing boundaries? Good luck, she sounds like a handful.

[Grumpy22]

Well, she came over in the morning, driving all the way over to talk it out. Appearantly her internet connection broke down (plausible, it often goes down for hours during the night) and she jumped into the car and drove the entire night to get here. She apoligized for not being able to call me and let me know she didnt run out of a fight but merely had tech problems.

 

She had calmed down enough by then to have a mature talk with me and she told me she understood i was jealous and needed a little help, and that she had already apoligized for not noticing it earlier while talking online (The apoligy was very vague but ok, sometimes things get blurry when people are angry. She did say she was sorry for not noticing.)

 

After she apoligized i told her i forgave her for not giving me a little help when i needed it and we agreed that i have done a commendable job fighting my jealousy dispite sometimes difficult circumstances. Such as her having a male roommate for a while, or going out with male friends and cuddling them, etc.

 

She told me she WANTS to help me fight this jealousy and that me asking for affection or help doesnt in the least bother her. She likes helping me out because i help her with her fears in return. So i told her that next time i will ask her for help on the spot and as clearly as possible.

 

She was however, extremely pissed off because last night i said "it almost implies you have more then just friendly feelings" after commenting on how often she brings this guy up.

She couldnt seem let go of the possibility of me having the thought she was having a emotional affair with a friend and that i wasnt trusting her enough. It greatly insulted her.

I kept explaining to her i said ALMOST implies, not implies, and that i said that line to help her understand what that little green jealousy dragon is whispering into my ear, and what i have to fight against. She still didnt seem ready to move on so i told her she was seeing too much into it and she should let it go, just like how i let go of my jealousy and me being upset she didnt pay attention to my efforts to control jealousy while it seemed clear enough. She seemed hesitant to let it go but decided to try anyway, and we hugged and slowly started talking about other subjects.

 

Now its 6 hours after she came to visit me, we had make up sex, and we cuddled and shared the afternoon together. She says we are stable, but she hasnt forgiven me yet, but she is trying because she knows i deserve it.

 

She is the kind of girl that holds grudges for minor things for a long time. I expect she will tell me she forgives me sometime in the coming days. She's good at deflecting alright.

 

Still cant help but love her to bits though.