device04 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi, Bear with me, but here's my situation. I met this girl online and we exchanged a couple e-mails before deciding to meet. 1st date: We had a coffee "date" on a Saturday evening that also included some strolling around the neighborhood and lasted about 2 hours. I asked if I could call her sometime, she agreed. 2nd date: The following Tuesday we have a dinner date after work. We stroll through the park afterwards and I walk her home. Again, cordial, conversation is great, and I tell her I'll give her a call in a few days. 3rd date: I call her Friday to try and make plans for the weekend. She's working and says she'll get back to me. She suggests a movie for Sat. night so we make plans for dinner and movie. Again, great date, we cuddle at the movie. Night ends with a little kissing. She texts me the next day to hang out but I can't due to family obligations. 4th date: I end up seeing her the next Wednesday. We grab dinner in at her place and watch a movie. I end up staying the night. Since then, I have talked to her a few times, we e-mail some, but haven't seen her. I tried to set up plans for this past Saturday (3 days after the 4th date) but she is working late (tax accountant at Big 4 firm) and says she's not up for anything. I call her again to setup a dinner date for Tuesday this week. She says she'll call me Tuesday afternoon to set definite time/place. I end up getting an email that says "Hi, I'm honestly not up for dinner tonight. I'm really sorry." She doesn't make any suggestions for future plans. I write her back telling her it's alright, I understand and hope work gets better for her. I don't suggest anything or say that I will call her. This was Tuesday evening and it's now Friday. So, I do really enjoy the time I've spent with this girl and am interested in seeing where this is going. We get along great in-person but her e-mails are always very impersonal and brief, perhaps a by-product of her work environment. So now, I'm not really sure how to proceed. Does her "canceling" the last two times mean she's really not that interested and I wait for her to get in touch with me? Or do I try one last time to make plans since she does have a very full work schedule and the problem has been that I'm not firm about plans when I ask (ie. this time I would need to suggest an exact plan of action)? Any advice is appreciated!
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Put the ball in her court. Tell her to let you know when she's free to set something up. In the mean time, don't put your eggs all in one basket.
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 The dating world would be so much simpler if we just stopped thinking so much. This is coming from me, who is a current recovering over analyzer. STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look, she's obviously interested. You wouldn't have made it past date 1 if she wasn't. Another good sign is that she's counter-offering your plans if she's busy. That is an extremely good sign. You can't expect to be the center of her universe just yet and she's probably busy at work. The two of you aren't nearly close enough yet for her to start to alter work obligations for you. You've gone on 4 dates in, what, just over a week? Slow it down a bit and give her time to work as well. You are moving this way too fast. If you flip on her, you might just push a decent future girlfriend away. Give her some space.
Author device04 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Put the ball in her court. Tell her to let you know when she's free to set something up. In the mean time, don't put your eggs all in one basket. Dreamergrl: Thanks! But how do I do that at this point? Do I just call her? Send her an e-mail seeing how the rest of her week has gone? The dating world would be so much simpler if we just stopped thinking so much. This is coming from me, who is a current recovering over analyzer. STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look, she's obviously interested. You wouldn't have made it past date 1 if she wasn't. Another good sign is that she's counter-offering your plans if she's busy. That is an extremely good sign. You can't expect to be the center of her universe just yet and she's probably busy at work. The two of you aren't nearly close enough yet for her to start to alter work obligations for you. You've gone on 4 dates in, what, just over a week? Slow it down a bit and give her time to work as well. You are moving this way too fast. If you flip on her, you might just push a decent future girlfriend away. Give her some space. WTRanger: I know you are right. I am overanalyzing A LOT! Her counter-offering was for date 2. Since then, she has "canceled" twice, though they were both indefinite plans, without any sort of counter-offer. Yes we've seen each other 4 times in about 2 weeks. So you think I should just sit back and let her get in touch with me?
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Why not send her a text... just saying... "Hey I've enjoyed getting to know you better, I hope we can get together soon, let me know what works for you."
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 So you think I should just sit back and let her get in touch with me? Yes. Let her know that you are free on such and such days and that you'd like to see her. You can even make it for the next week as if she's slammed at work this week she might want to recuperate over her weekend. That will solve this question... Originally Posted by dreamergrl Put the ball in her court. Tell her to let you know when she's free to set something up. In the mean time, don't put your eggs all in one basket. Dreamergrl: Thanks! But how do I do that at this point? Do I just call her? Send her an e-mail seeing how the rest of her week has gone? If she's busy at work, that can tank all sorts of plans. Some people who work a busy job just want to go home and relax by themselves. If she starts to consistently cancel due to work, then you might be dating a workaholic and you'll have to decide if that's okay with you.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Yes. Let her know that you are free on such and such days and that you'd like to see her. You can even make it for the next week as if she's slammed at work this week she might want to recuperate over her weekend. That will solve this question... I wouldn't go this far. That's like saying you'll hold these times open for her, which shows you don't have much else going on (at least implies it) and that is not a turn on. Just ask her when is good for her, and tell her you'll see if you can make it work with your schedule. My honest opinion is either she is multiple dating or losing some interests. Or both. As I've been told soooo many times here, if someone is interested in you, they will make the time.
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Why not send her a text... just saying... "Hey I've enjoyed getting to know you better, I hope we can get together soon, let me know what works for you." Soon is too vague. The less vague you can be, the less you'll stop analyzing. At a minimum, you should say I'd like to get together over the weekend, either for this weekend or let her rest and say you'll see her next weekend. That gives her a defined time period. Because, who can define soon? Is soon 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3,000 years? I can bet you if you ask 100 people to define soon, you'll have 100 different answers. Obviously there is a line between not being so vague and being super anal about planning things. You can't say I'll meet you on Saturday at 6:05:45 PM and we will hang out until 10:54:04 PM where upon completion we will kiss for exactly 5 minutes and zero seconds.
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 As I've been told soooo many times here, if someone is interested in you, they will make the time. So where does it fit that she's made the time to go on 4 dates with him? Does that not count as making time? Yes, your statement is generally a good guide. But that's it! It's a guide and not a rule. Because by that logic, if she's so interested she'll risk losing her job just to make time for this guy. Does that make sense? She'll tell her boss or clients to take a long walk because she's got a hot date she can't miss. She can tell him that she just got fired from her job for him. Is that the level of interest people demand these days?
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 WT - I'd agree if she hadn't canceled twice the last two times...
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 WT - I'd agree if she hadn't canceled twice the last two times... Because of work. It's not like she's saying she has to go have brain surgery or she's meeting a 15th level long lost cousin. God forbid she could be telling the truth and she's really busy. She could also be a workaholic. It's far too early to tell and it's not worth getting in a panic over just yet. At least she had the stones to tell him. Not all jobs are 9-5, and EXACTLY 8 hours a day. If she's got to close an account, or whatever she does, and she works a 12-14 hour day with short notice it will happen, is she supposed to make time for him as well? Would you? Would you honestly make time for someone if you worked a 14 hour day on short notice? I'd bet my most favorite organ you'd cancel the date you had scheduled that night. Which would equal you are no longer interested in him, right? Remind me when I start dating again to quit my job so the girl I'm seeing will know I'm fully interested in her. Gotta have a clear schedule. Anything less that 24 hours a day and she might think I'm not interested.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 But she could have suggested another time, or at least a possible time. Maybe she does have a work conflicting schedule, and that's even more of a reason to put it back in her court, instead of getting canceled on. But why should OP leave his schedule wide open if her reasons are acceptable?
Author device04 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Sounds like it should be somewhere in the middle of vague and exact. Like taking dreamergrl's suggested text and just adding that it'd be great to see her sometime next week or weekend instead of being completely open-ended.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Sounds like it should be somewhere in the middle of vague and exact. Like taking dreamergrl's suggested text and just adding that it'd be great to see her sometime next week or weekend instead of being completely open-ended. I suppose saying next week isn't bad... but I wouldn't go listing off every day you have free. And I wouldn't jump and schedule the minute you get a reply either.
Author device04 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Easy now, you two! I do like the back and forth though of opinions as being the over-analyzer, I sort of go back-and-forth between these two sides. I agree that she hasn't exactly given me a firm BS excuse for canceling and I'm well aware that her work schedule is less than ideal. At the same time, it's true that she hasn't made any attempts to reschedule, or just to say she'll give me a call or be in touch. Grey areas are so confusing, it'd be great if everyone were as communicative and certain as you both seem to be. I guess it's just part of the chase and dating.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I used to over analyze. I learned to just trust my gut. Something is obviously giving you the feeling that this isn't working out the way you'd like. Which means you should take a few steps back.
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Easy now, you two! I do like the back and forth though of opinions as being the over-analyzer, I sort of go back-and-forth between these two sides. I agree that she hasn't exactly given me a firm BS excuse for canceling and I'm well aware that her work schedule is less than ideal. At the same time, it's true that she hasn't made any attempts to reschedule, or just to say she'll give me a call or be in touch. Grey areas are so confusing, it'd be great if everyone were as communicative and certain as you both seem to be. I guess it's just part of the chase and dating.This happens on these boards. I'm not fighting with her, I'm merely offering an opposite opinion. I respect dreamergrl, I've read her posts and the threads she posts on. She's one of the best posters on LS, but I disagree with the points she's bringing up. This is a perfect example of that people don't always think the same. It's beneficial to you, as you get more than one sided responses. I still say that you have to at least give her a range of days. What if you say, "I'd like to hang out next week." Say she picks Wednesday, which just happens to be the day you have plans for something else. Guess what? You're back to square one again. If you say, "I'd like to see you next week. I'm free any day but Wednesday." You'll avoid playing date-tag. It's open ended but specific at the same time. Ive worked non standard jobs my whole life. I worked at an FX studio that did CG for films and TV, a studio that no longer exists thanks to bonehead studio executives. That job, for the most part, was a standard 8-9 hours a day. But in the 3-4 months before the project was due, you lived at the studio. Literally. Not every girlfriend I had could accept that, even when I was up front with them. I even gave them a copy of the production schedule that had the months highlighted in red. I cared about everyone of those girls, but my job was not a standard job. My job happened to pay the bills as well, not the girlfriend. If she could be my sugar-momma then I'd have considered blowing off work to make my date with her. If a director decided that the character should rather be wearing shorts instead of pants, you need to re work the shot. You're in for a long day ahead of you. What took you 4 months to do, now has to be reworked in 4 days. You have to cancel some plans, sometimes plans in a row. It happens. The best I could hope for was someone who understood that while I was trying to get out early, I had to work late. Sometimes, things get so jacked you can't counter plans because you don't know what you are doing over the next few days. Take a step back from her for a bit. Let her work calm down and proceed from there.
Author device04 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 I agree with you, dreamer, but at the same time I don't know that I trust my gut. To be honest, this is my first time "dating" a girl from scratch. All my previous relationships were from meeting through a mutual friend, becoming friends, getting together. So, I'm also just not very sure what to reasonably expect in this situation. She is, for better-or-worse, a workaholic by necessity. So, I understand that that takes a lot out of a person. In my last job, I would work long, tedious hours and would relish time to unwind and relax. At the same time, I understand the argument that if you really want to do something or see someone, you will make the time. However, like anything else, I think that's only true within reason. In the end, I think you're right that I need to understand how I'd like this to work out and then take a step back from it.
Author device04 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks WT. Solid insights from both of you, and MUCH appreciated. I think my confusion with this girl is also the way she handles communication when we're not face-to-face. It's very direct yet not very informative either. But like I said, I think I'm just being a bit oversensitive and overanalytical since this is my first "dating" experience.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 This happens on these boards. I'm not fighting with her, I'm merely offering an opposite opinion. I respect dreamergrl, I've read her posts and the threads she posts on. She's one of the best posters on LS, but I disagree with the points she's bringing up. This is a perfect example of that people don't always think the same. It's beneficial to you, as you get more than one sided responses. Ty WT. And OP, WT is right, you'll rarely get the same opinion here. WT is also a good poster, and by no means am I fighting either lol. I still say that you have to at least give her a range of days. What if you say, "I'd like to hang out next week." Say she picks Wednesday, which just happens to be the day you have plans for something else. Guess what? You're back to square one again. If you say, "I'd like to see you next week. I'm free any day but Wednesday." You'll avoid playing date-tag. It's open ended but specific at the same time. But OP could say, give me a few days you got free next week, and we'll go from there, which would eliminate leaving himself wide open to looking like he's waiting for her. I just feel that leaving every day but Wed open, comes across as a bit desperate. If she is in fact losing interest, this is going to cause it to lose more.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I agree with you, dreamer, but at the same time I don't know that I trust my gut. To be honest, this is my first time "dating" a girl from scratch. All my previous relationships were from meeting through a mutual friend, becoming friends, getting together. So, I'm also just not very sure what to reasonably expect in this situation. She is, for better-or-worse, a workaholic by necessity. So, I understand that that takes a lot out of a person. In my last job, I would work long, tedious hours and would relish time to unwind and relax. At the same time, I understand the argument that if you really want to do something or see someone, you will make the time. However, like anything else, I think that's only true within reason. In the end, I think you're right that I need to understand how I'd like this to work out and then take a step back from it. You should learn to start trusting your gut, it gives off more confidence You should also take a step back and think about if you want a relationship with a work-a-holic. It's not forever, and it can be very frustrating. I've had strange schedules in the past, and it was difficult for the person I was seeing at the time because they worked a very standard schedule. It's part of compatibility. Let us know how it turns out!
Author device04 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 Yes, you are right and I'm learning how to do just that. I think I will take your advice and send a text: "Hi ___. I hope work has calmed down and you'll be able to have a relaxing weekend. I've really enjoyed getting to know you recently and would love to see you again next week if your schedule allows. Let me know what works best for you." How does that sound? I guess if I'm honest with myself, I don't really expect an answer, but I think I'll be okay with that too in the end. At least then I can stop wondering.
Author device04 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 Hah, so I texted her the above, and she replies with "Hi, Good to hear from you. My siblings are in town for the weekend and we are thinking of going to Chinatown 4 dinner. Any recs?" Doesn't even touch on my asking if she wants to meet up next week. Kind of have to chuckle to myself over it, I suppose.
loveslife Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 device, I think she's lost interest. There were just too many excuses for not seeing you. She probably was hoping you'd take a hint. I'm so sorry. It's probably best to just leave her alone.
Author device04 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 yea, you're probably right. the question then is whether I should even reply to her request for recommendations. or just leave her hanging.
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