Ex still cares, is being mature, but still as to my next step

[mollyv]

I've been lurking for a while and of course, i'm looking for some answers ... but every situation is unique. I am looking for some acceptance and guidance as to what I can do in my situation.

 

My ex-bf and I dated for 5 years. We broke it off in March, mutually, because we felt we came to a road-block; we didn't know how to communicate properly and we just weren't figuring it out.

 

It was painful, but I was ok with this -- I moved out within a week, stayed with some friends for a month until I could find a place to live of my own and now I have.

 

The ex and I didn't talk too terribly much in this period, but we were still friendly. He took the dog until I could find a place to live, and would drop her off to let me have visits with her on Sundays, then pick her up again. We still were very good to each other in this time, but we knew things just had to be this way. It was hard, but it was necessary.

 

Recently, my feelings have surfaced all over again. I never expected this to happen! I would see him and talk to him occasionally -- he's doing some pretty great things. He was seeing a therapist when we were together trying to work out some of his issues, and he's continued this behavior and I've seen some wonderful results. Plus, *I* have made a lot of changes over the time -- my acceptance of other people and their faults was a big thing I have learned over the past little while, among other things. I guess it finally occurred to me -- huh... this could actually work; what we REALLY needed was some breathing room.

 

So, I took the risk and I told him I was having feelings for him again. He was completely taken aback ... he said he wouldn't have guessed it, but he was also very appreciative that I told him. He says he still cares about me too, very much -- however, he needs to take this time in his life to sort things out and figure out himself. He wants to be able to give more of himself in future relationships, whether that be me or someone else, but it's something he has to do. He says he feels he needs to be in a 'simple' place right now.

 

I hated that, but I respected it. Regardless, I just wanted to explore the possibility and take things very slow -- maintain that separation and room for personal growth ... and not necessarily have a full-on commitment right away. I wanted to see if we actually had made some changes, and were able to break some of the cycles. Of course, for me, this is not a certainty -- but it's an exploration.

 

He said he would like that very much.

 

So we've gotten together and talked about some things. I think what I've discovered, though, is that I have an agenda (and I told him this because I want to be honest about the situation): my agenda is to explore each other again -- try to communicate and see if that's even a possibility for us. I don't know where this will lead, but I have hopes that it will lead to a relationship again. If it doesn't, it doesn't; but I'd like to try.

 

He told me that his perspective is that he'd like to open the lines of communication and explore these things as well. He is open to the possibility of a reconciliation, but it's not necessarily his goal. His goal right now is to work on himself. He doesn't know how long this will take -- his feelings could change tomorrow, next week, a month from now, a year from now -- he just doesn't know.

 

I'm very go-getter and he's very laid back. I like to make decisions immediately and he likes to take all the time in the world; and this is both something we are working on for ourselves. They have good elements and bad elements to them, but mostly bad when you take them to an extreme, which is what we have tended to do which had put much of a rift in the relationship. We're seeing if this is something that is really possible to work through, but separately.

 

So, one might think -- ok, cool. But here's the thing... am I crazy for doing this? My need for immediacy is driving me up the wall. I like guarantees, but I can't have one. I am clouded by a lot of emotions right now -- I keep thinking I see good signs that the door is still open, but I also tend to focus on the negative as well. I would love some kind of objective opinion on this matter.

 

I also recognize that this is a guy that doesn't like to make big decisions. He says he's working on this and he's actually been making some progress when I told him this is a fear of mine.

 

He has told me he still cares about me very much. He says he would like to have a relationship with me right now, but he doesn't feel that it's the right thing to do because he still fears falling into old habits and patterns. He said he needed space to figure this out. I wanted to know what 'space' meant to him so I could respect his boundaries. Initially, I took what he said as "space" to leave him the hell alone and he would contact me, so that's what I did. He contacted me the following Friday to meet up, but I was busy and we rescheduled. In that time, I ASKED him what space meant to him ... this is what he said:

 

"I suppose space is the wrong word -- I want to talk to you, I want you to message me when you feel like you want to. If I don't feel in the mood, I need to be able to tell you that. It wouldn't mean I don't care, it would mean that I just need some time at that moment. I don't want to 'plan' everything; I want things to happen naturally, whatever that may be. But I don't know what that is right now... I'm not sure what I'm going to go through. But one thing I do know, is that if we have any hope of seeing what our problems are and were, we need to just keep being ourselves. You need to tell me how you feel, and I will let you know what is going on with me as well."

 

.........Here's the thing ... this is pretty much what I have wanted... this communication has been really great. It's not always what I want to hear, but it's good. We are dealing with conflict in a much healthier matter ... but he feels lost within himself. This may never happen and I need to accept it ... but I also need to do what is best for me. Do I just relax and see where this goes, while taking care o fmyself? Is this something that is possible? I hear so many different things: ex's can't be friends when there's feelings involved ... NC is the best way to go ... make him miss you, don't be available ...

 

I said that to him and he said -- stop it. I don't want to play games. Just be you.

 

Woah, that's one looooong post; thanks to anyone who has read it!!!

 

I'm just in a world of WEIRD and uncertainty. Any insight to this situation.....?

[JL911]

Honesty is going to help you out in the situation. Trying to cram things down his throat is only going to hurt your chances and have him think you are only worried about how you feel...You need to go slow and see if things can fall into place. They very well may, but the old habits could resurface causing problems.

 

The main idea here is did anything need to change in the original relationship? Communication breakdowns are a common problem so I am seeing and experiencing myself as that was part of my problem as well. Sometimes people do need to grow up maybe take a step back before taking 2 forward.

 

If hes asking for space and not saying NO then maybe you need to consider his feelings instead of just worrying about your own. He will talk when he is ready and make the necessary decision that he feels is right for himself. Be respectful try to keep things kinda low key and slowly work your way back into his life as a stable entity.

 

Me being a guy, I would love my ex to call say she wanted to work on things and feels something again for me and wants to see if she can make it work. Im trying to be respectful of her decision and trying to work on myself using NC. I dont know what the future holds, I did think for a long time I found my other half, but now I realize maybe not, and I'll keep looking and if she ever has a change of heart or something, well...i'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

There are NO GUARANTEES. People get married, divorced, reunited, every single day. Some make it, others dont. Sometimes its just nice to walk away knowing you did everything you could to try for the person you love at that moment.

 

Really you must realize that you cannot change a person. Whether they have small mannerisms, or little things you must learn to look past them and accept them for who and what they are. You cannot nit pick a person apart and expect them not to have a negative reaction to it. If you cannot accept them for who they are, then it will never ever work.

 

Go slow...Find what he wants...See what he needs from you in order to have a healthy loving relationship...If you feel you can meet the needs without compromising yourself and your sanity then move forward...

[mollyv]

Thank you so much for your insight!!!

 

I don't want to change him ... I really don't. I just 'wish' that we were in the same place. We're not, though.

 

Yes, something needed to change -- we didn't know how to communicate. We both saw it as important but our demands and expectations of each other were getting in the way. I was expecting him to talk to me every day about 'what is going on', and he expected me to live up to an idea that he had for me in his head and wasn't expressing it. He didn't say 'no' to me, he just expected me to know that I'm supposed to 'back off'.

 

I have been trying to be very respectful of his wishes. I don't know, I guess I'm pretty confused because it SEEMS relationship-y, but it's not. I'm constantly afraid of my next move.

 

He's getting in contact with me more frequently. He came to a party of mine last night even though he was out all night with his family and arrived here at 12:30 at night. I tried very hard to have fun with my friends but still make him feel welcome (as he was appreciative of this). He also messaged me first thing this morning. He's also being very sweet and kind to me since I have told him how I feel.

 

I don't want to read into this stuff... I don't want to set hopes higher than they are. I want to let him be him and give him his time and space, but I guess I'm a little confused as to what I need right now.

 

I know I need some time and space as well -- I'm not sure that seeing him is the best thing for me, because it hurts me so badly. We have plans to go to an event next week with a mutual friend, but I also have another friend who is coming that is just mine, and I think if things get too difficult I can just branch off a little bit. I would explain why, of course.

 

I'm terrified. I wish I was ok with this but I'm not. I know I'm capable of moving on, but I also want to give this a chance. Am I just prolonging the hurt process...?

 

I'm terrified of NO GUARANTEES. How does one come to accept this....?

 

Every day seems to be harder than the last. It's pretty icky!

 

 

Thank you!!!!

[CaliGuy]

Your agenda is going to screw things up. He's told you exactly what you need to do.

 

Let things play out naturally.

 

Men don't like being caged/cornered into a relationship. He's trying to improve himself and work things out. You need to let him do that and not try and force him into doing anything he isn't ready for.

 

Take some key notes from him. Work and focus on yourself. Don't make him the center of everything you desire, but a compliment to your life....

[mollyv]

Wow, I totally needed to hear that. Plain and simple, straight and honest. Thank you.

[CaliGuy]

Wow, I totally needed to hear that. Plain and simple, straight and honest. Thank you.

 

You're welcome, that's what I'm here for.

 

The bill's in the mail....

 

 

(just kidding! )

[LovesHangover]

This can be the beginning of a healthy and healthy relationship. Be cool and let things progress naturally. You could do some new things and expand your interests. Enjoy your time alone and continue to set time aside to be alone and enjoy your solitude and being with yourself. I agree with Caliguy!

[SweetyBear]

You and I and your ex and mine seem very similar in personality types. I am like you are. I'm impatient with getting things "buttoned down" and my ex is also very laid back. One thing I can tell you is to work really hard to catch yourself when you start to confuse the way he's laid back with a lack of caring. I think when you're all about planning and getting from A to B in as few steps as possible, that's easy to do. We were both very much in love, but we each had some personal situations come up fairly clse to the beginning of our relationship and neither of us did a spectacular job of communicating what we needed from each other to get through them. I walked away from him. There were some underlying issues, but looking back each one of them could have been worked out if we had communicated. The biggest mistake I made in retrospect, except for the actual ending of the relationship, was that I confused his lack of planning with a lack of caring. I thought if he really cared about me, he would make plans and he would stick to them, etc., etc., etc. Now that I've been seeing a counselor, I can understand why I was so insecure and needy about certain things. At the time, I thought I was being perfectly reasonable, but now I know I wasn't. Anyway, you asked can you get through this "waiting" when you know you're impatient, etc. You can, but it's a struggle. It's really hard to know you both care, and you still can't get back what you had right now. It's hard to allow him to take the time he needs. I try to focus on what we have actually said and not the doubts that creep up in my mind. Instead of expressing my doubts to him, I post on here. I hope this helps.

[mollyv]

I actually have a pretty cool update in such a short time.

 

My incessant need for answers got me back on the internet reading articles. Except this time, I was looking up how to think more positively.

 

I found a line, and this scared the crap out of me. It said: "What you focus on will grow."

 

....So the way I see it, if I focus on him, 3 months down the road, my feelings for him will grow. If he's still focusing on him, 3 months down the road, his self-esteem will grow.

 

I will still be in a world of pain, and he will not. I will be stuck, and he will not.

 

This terrifies the living crap out of me. I have to redirect my attention back to myself.

 

I've been a negative thinker my entire life, and this HAS to change. I read an analogy that I liked. It talked about the brain being like a garden: the conscious plants the seeds, and the subconscious nurtures the seeds. The subconscious doesn't care what those seeds are, but it's going to nurture them. I have been planting so many negative seeds that my brain is running rampant on them! And I've always thought ... well, how do you JUST STOP? You can't JUST STOP. And no, you can't ... but you CAN start to plant some more positives.

 

I don't think I made the wrong decision in telling him how I feel. In fact, I think that was very right of me to do. However, what WOULD be wrong is to take that "rejection" and start focusing on it. I need to say "It's ok. Yes, it hurts -- it hurts a LOT, but there's nothing you can do about it. Good for you for trying; let's move on now."

 

I also needed a change of scenery. I do contract work from home which can be very lonely and isolating, and I knew this wasn't helping matters. I packed up my computer and went to my parents place for a little while since they are being so supportive.

 

I have shifted my thoughts. "I am ok. I will be ok. This feels uncomfortable, but it's temporary. I can have better things. I have good things. I am a good person. I will get through this. I AM getting through this."

 

It's incredibly difficult, but doable. Things pop up in my mind to remind me of him all the time. I just have to say NO very loudly in my head.

 

Then I had this amazing dream last night.....

 

I dreamed I jumped into a deep pool. I didn't realize how hard I had jumped or how deep the water was until I touched the bottom. I hurt my ankle pretty badly, and I was absolutely EXHAUSTED. I didn't want to try to swim to the top, but I knew I had to or I would die... but I was paralyzed with exhaustion. I lay there for a little bit, gasping. Then, I did what I had to do -- I started swimming towards the top. I had my arms up in front of me trying to find the surface, but it wasn't coming ... I just kept swimming. And then, I found it. I found the surface and I made it. My ankle still hurt, but someone saw I was in pain and helped me tend to it. I think it was my sister.

 

I also had another dream where I was searching all over this huge place looking for my ex. I searched and searched and I just couldn't find him. When I finally stopped looking, I found him. He wasn't where I was looking.

 

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the second dream, because I don't want to be thinking about him right now. However, my subconscious is going to do whatever it pleases. All I can hope to take from interpreting the second dream is, I gotta stop searching for him. Sure, my dream said I 'found' him but I'm just taking this as a metaphor to life -- stop searching so hard, let it be, and you'll find what you're looking for.

 

The first seems pretty simple to me -- I think it reinforces that I need to believe in myself. For several years now I have been fighting to dig through my problems and become a better person. I have done SO much, and I think my subconscious is just telling me -- I know it's rough, but you're doing the right thing.

 

I'm not sure what this shift in attitude will bring. But, I do know what the other attitude will bring -- nothing but pain. I am in pain regardless of whether i focus on him or focus on me, except one will get me nowhere; the other has the potential to get me everywhere.

 

So that's where my head is at today and yesterday.

 

Thanks for listening.

[mollyv]

Just wanted to post an update!

 

I went back to my therapist and have decided that I'm going to see her regularly again. She believes that I still have some codependency issues to work through and I'm pretty sure I still knew that already, just really did not want to face it again. : ( I have had a good cry/breakdown at least once a day, trying to let go of my control issues and just feel the sadness and anxiety. I'm very scared and emotional -- and that's ok. I wish there was a switch that I could just turn everything off, but there isn't... but I'm trying very hard to let go. I have reached out to friends and family where I feel it is safe to do so.

 

This is all very hard, but I'm pushing. I'm tired of fighting all the time ... and when I say 'fighting', I mean 'doing the right thing' kind of fighting -- pushing, striving, searching. I've been doing it for so many years, and while I certainly know I have made progress, I'm absolutely exhausted. I know I won't give up, but I suppose I had a blip there, and that's ok....

 

I'm very lonely, scared, anxious, not at 100%, feeling a little empty -- and I've gotta face it all. I have been for a few years, but I'm just not done. My control issues and co-dependence are still fighting for attention ....I hate that. But it's reality, and it's O-K; i'm not starting from scratch here either, which is comforting. I struggle with what thoughts are damaging and what ones aren't. I have been trying to just ignore certain thoughts and replace them with more positive ones, but that's not going to cut it either. So far, the thing that is feeling the most 'right' is to accept the thought (and not fight it), mourn it, and -end- it with something positive.

 

I'm really just writing this for me ... puting things down really helps me work through it and from what I gathered of this board, that's what it's for. Of course, if anyone has any insight I am always, always open-minded.