Gave him an ultimatum

[Danielle46]

I decided that I can't take this back and forth action any longer. Some of you may not know my previous story but you can find my older threads if you'd like to catch up.

 

For those that have been following:

 

I decided today that I'm done with the games. He caused me enough pain and I'm over it. I can't deal with these mixed signals any longer and not knowing where he stands. I can't cope with him calling and speaking to me (saying everything I want to hear) for two days and then saying nothing to me for 3 days. I'm over it.

 

I called & spoke to his mom and told her about what we've been going through and how I've been feeling. She told me that he's an idiot and is playing childish games and needs to grow up. She suggested that I call & leave him an "ultimatum" voicemail (since we both know he's working and doesn't have his phone). I was hesitant at first but then I spoke with my mom and she confirmed that at this point, that's probably the best measure to take.

 

It was definitely difficult to do this but I felt I had too. I called and left him a voicemail basically saying that I can't do this anymore, I've given him chance and again and we haven't gotten anywhere. It's not healthy for me to feel this way, Im tired of being emotionally stressed day in and day out and I'm done. I told him that he has until 10:30 tonight to call me and try to tell me what he's feeling, and if he doesn't then I know the answer that it's over and I'm done for good, and not to even bother calling me. Maybe this will light a fire under his @ss and make him really stop with the games and come forward with the truth.

 

My dad seems to think that regardless of if he calls or not that I should still stand my ground and end things. He said that he truly loves my (ex) bf but that he thinks we need to do some evolving and maturing outside of each other. We need to experience life more than we have been since we've been together for so long and started when we were so young (around 15/16 yrs of age). I don't know what to do...my dad says to trust him, that this is the best thing to do right now.

 

I just don't know. I don't want to lose him because I love him with every fiber of my being, but I also don't like the state that our relationship is in right now. I dont like how he doubts things and all. I don't want him to miss the "idea" of me, I want him to miss "ME". But even so, I don't know.

 

I feel like everything is so unanswered. I feel slightly relieved that I left that voicemail so he now knows that I'm serious about this. I'm done giving into the way HE wants to do things. This is about ME now, and my happiness. I can't continue on feeling this way day after day. I enjoyed my time with him and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but at the same time, if he's changed or grown apart from me, I don't want to be in a relationship that I feel is forced.

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I'm just not sure if I take the road of definite relationship termination regardless, or consider what he says and take my time to think long and hard about it.

 

I just see it as: If we're meant to be each other's "forever" person then that's what's going to happen...it will all work as it's intended too...

 

=/

[Thaddeus]

A few things:

 

• How often do you expect him to be in contact? I don't think that being out-of-touch for only three days is a breakup-worthy infraction. Does he know that you want to be in contact pretty much every day? Have you made this clear to him? Personally, I think contact every single day is over-the-top, but that's just me
  
• Have you made it clear to him that you're not satisfied with the state of the relationship?
  
• Of course your mom supports you. She should - that's her job. She's hardly an unbiased party
  
• Generally, men don't respond well to ultimatums. Ultimatums are entirely negative. "Do this or else" will get you the "or else." If you're prepared for that, fine, but don't paint yourself into a corner that you'd rather not be painted into
  
• Banish this myth from your mind right away: There is no such thing as the whole "meant to be together forever" nonsense. That's Hallmark card/romantic comedy movie nonsense.
  

Communicate with the dude. He may have no idea what your expectations are.

[Danielle46]

The thing is I've already tried to get him to communicate with me. Maybe what I've failed to mention is that this is the third time in less than one year that he has pulled the rug out from underneath me like this. I am not emotionally strong enough to keep going through this over and over again.

 

I've told him that I dont like how I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells around him, trying not to say or do the wrong thing. I've told him that I feel a little less comfortable just being "myself" around him because I fear he'll take it wrong and hurt me again. It's not that I don't love him but I just can't continue to do everything on HIS terms...it's killing me.

 

I don't expect him to contact me everyday...and I made that clear. But he doesn't need to ignore me when I do try to make my side of the effort. He made solid effort and I figured I would give a little back, to no avail.

 

I didn't want to have to take the route of an "ultimatum" but I just can't bear with the thought of feeling like this for days to come. My new semester starts Monday at school and I cannot go in there and focus when I don't know the status of our relationship. I'm tired of it, I'm fed up with being held in the balances not knowing what the next step is.

 

If it's time that he wants, then he can have it. He can't expect me to be sitting on the sidelines waiting for when HE is ready to be in the relationship. I'm not that weak. I don't want to be the doormat for him...the safety net. I can't be in a relationship where some moments he wants to be with me and others he doesn't. I need to be with him and know that he appreciates every day of our relationship.

 

I don't want to hurt him, I really don't. But I'm truly done being hurt myself. I've endured so much and put up with so much to try to make this work. Even his mom said I have been there through thick and thin for him, given him chance after chance, because he told me he loved me and that he couldn't be without me....Then WHY does he keep pushing me aside?? It makes no sense.

 

I just need him to see that I'm serious about this. He KNOWS I want nothing more than to be with him and to be happier than ever...but I also can't let him think that he can continually do this to me and I'm going to be there when he's willing and ready to return.

 

This kills me...and is the most difficult situation I have been faced with in my life. I don't want things to be over with forever, I truly don't...but I have to concentrate on ME now...I've tried doing things his way and it hasn't gotten either one of us anywhere.

 

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. Im just done being hurt...

[mickleb]

Hey sweetie. So sorry to hear what's going on with you two.

 

Is it worth making a list f(or yourself initially) stating exactly what you need in this relationship? If you want to, you could show it to him and suggest that he does the same. If either of you feel you can't meet the other's requirements, you could just state that there doesn't seem any point in trying so hard anymore, that - right now - you have not got the energy.

 

Neither of you have had a real opportunity to miss each other, yet. Perhaps you both need that before you know how much (if anything) you are willing to invest in this?

 

Don't know. It just sounds so unresolved for both of you, at the moment.

 

Whatever happens, keep in touch so we can give you cute online hugs pease! Like this one: (((((Danielle))))) xx

[D-Lish]

Hey,

 

I personally don't like to give ultimatums in a relationship. That only seems to perpetuate the idea that I have no control over the outcome.

I prefer to make the choice to stay or go, thereby maintaining my own power.

 

The problem with ultimatums is that you won't often get the solution you seek. It can often backfire.

[Lizzie60]

are good only if you carry on your ultimatum..

 

From what I read here:

 

I just don't know. I don't want to lose him because I love him with every fiber of my being, but I also don't like the state that our relationship is in right now. I dont like how he doubts things and all. I don't want him to miss the "idea" of me, I want him to miss "ME". But even so, I don't know.

I think that if he hasn't called by 10:30.. you'll call him back.. telling him: OK.. I give you an extra half hour...

 

If he still hasn't called.. you'll call back, telling him: OK.. last ... this is the very last half hour, you've got till 11:30.. then we're done..

 

If he still doesn't call.. you'll call him back telling him... that you still love him.. and that you need to talk..

 

Come on... I think he knows he can 'play' with you..

[Pink Cupcakes]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but guys who are really into the woman and into the relationship are calling everyday.

There is no true love for you on his part.

I think the book He's Just Not that Into You will help you immensely.

I also disagree with the ultimatim voicemail. then if he does call, it isn't because he wants to, it's because you wanted him to.

Then he's only calling because he doesn't want to lose the sex.

Also 3 days, no contact, you've been in a relationship for a year. That is a point where it is a serious relationship. Now I am feeling that he is seeing someone else and messing around on those long periods of time he is not contacting you. Everytime a guy is not contacting you for days, and yes, 3 days is a long time for a couple, he is out tomcatting around. I'm sorry but you can do better for yourself.

[Thaddeus]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but guys who are really into the woman and into the relationship are calling everyday.... Everytime a guy is not contacting you for days, and yes, 3 days is a long time for a couple, he is out tomcatting around.

I call total b.s. on this.

 

To expect him to call every day is over the top. That's called 'clingy, needy and possessive.'

 

I can't, and won't, speak to what's going on with the OP's man, but to suggest that every single time a man isn't contacting a woman over a three-day period means he's out getting some on the side is just beyond the pale.

[Trialbyfire]

The ultimatum is for you, not him. If you throw one out, stick to your guns. If he effs around with the timeline, don't answer. It's over and it's time to move on. That's what an ultimatum is for. Do or die.

[Pink Cupcakes]

I call total b.s. on this.

 

To expect him to call every day is over the top. That's called 'clingy, needy and possessive.'

 

I can't, and won't, speak to what's going on with the OP's man, but to suggest that every single time a man isn't contacting a woman over a three-day period means he's out getting some on the side is just beyond the pale.

 

 

It's not about expecting it, it's that a guy who really cares about his girlfriend is calling everyday because he wants to. 3 days of no contact for being in a relationship of a year....that's just not that into you.

[Danielle46]

It's not about expecting it, it's that a guy who really cares about his girlfriend is calling everyday because he wants to. 3 days of no contact for being in a relationship of a year....that's just not that into you.

 

 

We have been in a relatonship for 5 years, not just one.

 

And we are going through something..therefore why would he call me everyday? Defeats the purpose of everything...

 

It's doesnt mean he doesn't care if he doesn't call me...

 

...Personall I think he was too scared to call and hurt me by actually letting those words escape his mouth.

 

He never called last night... whatever. I gave him the opportunity to talk, one last chance. I then turned my phone off at 10:30 and put it away. I haven't checked it yet this morning to see if he actually tried to contact me afterward but we'll see.

 

I'm just so over being hurt... it's not healthy, and it's time I take a stand against all the games...

 

This is my feelings and my well being we're talking about here.. it's going much further than just a bump in our relationship.

[greenparrot]

danielle, you made a good choice with the ultimatum. He didnt call, his loss. He is obviously confused and will try to contact you constantly. Hang in there, dont answer. Remember if he wanted to fix it he would do crazy stuff to get you back.

 

You already did well telling him how you felt. He knows it. Dont fell guilty if you have lost calls or texts. May I recommend changing your number?

 

He probably felt as if this ultimatum was not real, thinking he can have you any way. I did this to my ex gf, she wouldnt answer, 2 days went by and she would contact me wanting to be friends and go slow. She always hurts me, leaving once more.

 

Stay strong with the NC, hang in there, your better than him. And he WILL realize that his choice was wrong, the only difference is you will be with a guy that is worth it, a guy that wont leave upon confusion.

[Danielle46]

danielle, you made a good choice with the ultimatum. He didnt call, his loss. He is obviously confused and will try to contact you constantly. Hang in there, dont answer. Remember if he wanted to fix it he would do crazy stuff to get you back.

 

You already did well telling him how you felt. He knows it. Dont fell guilty if you have lost calls or texts. May I recommend changing your number?

 

He probably felt as if this ultimatum was not real, thinking he can have you any way. I did this to my ex gf, she wouldnt answer, 2 days went by and she would contact me wanting to be friends and go slow. She always hurts me, leaving once more.

 

Stay strong with the NC, hang in there, your better than him. And he WILL realize that his choice was wrong, the only difference is you will be with a guy that is worth it, a guy that wont leave upon confusion.

 

Thank you. I plan to fully carry through with my decision. I have tried accomplishing things his way more than once and it NEVER works for a definitive amout of time. Let's put it this way: He knows where I live...so if Im that important then he'll reach that point where he is willing to drive over here and make it happen.

 

Nothing in life is ever set in stone. But I've made my decision. I won't put up with this sh*t anymore. Eventually he IS going to realize (just how you said) that he made a mistake...he let something go that was really great.

 

Maybe in enough time, we can work something out, friends, relationship, whatever...but for now this is where I have to be.

 

His sister emailed me and it was very heartfelt and warming to hear. I really appreciated that and I told her how I felt. I didn't bash her brother or anything, I told her I wish him the best (b/c I do)-sincerely- but that I just cant take it any longer...I thought I could.

 

I think that I am going to be okay. I have plans tonight with a close friends, not sure what we're doing yet but either way I plan on making it as best I can.

 

I really appreciate hearing from someone that I made the right call here. He has yet to say anything to me... it's not like I didn't give him a chance. I left the "ultimatum" voicemail around 12:00 yesterday afternoon and gave him until 10:30 last night to get in contact with me. But now, I have my answer, at least for now. And I have to accept that.

 

I truly appreciate all of the responses I've received on here. Thank you all so much.

[Danielle46]

are good only if you carry on your ultimatum..

 

From what I read here:

 

I just don't know. I don't want to lose him because I love him with every fiber of my being, but I also don't like the state that our relationship is in right now. I dont like how he doubts things and all. I don't want him to miss the "idea" of me, I want him to miss "ME". But even so, I don't know.

 

I think that if he hasn't called by 10:30.. you'll call him back.. telling him: OK.. I give you an extra half hour...

 

If he still hasn't called.. you'll call back, telling him: OK.. last ... this is the very last half hour, you've got till 11:30.. then we're done..

 

If he still doesn't call.. you'll call him back telling him... that you still love him.. and that you need to talk..

 

Come on... I think he knows he can 'play' with you..

 

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT!! My foot is down this time and if you knew me, you would know Im serious. I've done this back and forth sh*t enough now. It's time to be completely serious. This doesn't mean I hate him or anything because obviously I don't....but I've just, as a person, had enough. It hurts to bad to even remotely be put back in that situation again.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Sorry but seriously get the book He's Just Not That into You. It will totally help you get the message on his lack of feelings for you.

You are making so many excuses that you are telling yourself in your mind that he does love you, but his actions are not that of a man who loves you and one who will stand by your side through life. He will bail so easily if you ever get married. End it now, rip off the bandage.

It looks like he has broken up with you already. If a guy I was in a 5 year relationship didn't contact me for 3 days, I would be assuming it was over and moving on with my dating life.

[Danielle46]

I call total b.s. on this.

 

To expect him to call every day is over the top. That's called 'clingy, needy and possessive.'

 

I can't, and won't, speak to what's going on with the OP's man, but to suggest that every single time a man isn't contacting a woman over a three-day period means he's out getting some on the side is just beyond the pale.

 

 

Very true. It isn't true that when someone is happy in a relationship that they call you EVERY SINGLE DAY!...My goodness that's a little heavy.

 

And I agree with Thaddeus, just because you aren't with that person and that you're going through something (and not talking) doesn't mean they automatically have something on the side. (Not to say that isn't impossible)

 

Either way, people usually eventually see their mistakes and errors...

[mickleb]

You're such a strong spirit, Danielle. I know this is an horrendous time for you but your conviction will guide you through it.

 

Let us know how you are doing. We'll be here.

 

All the best, love. x

[Surfer Girl]

Sometimes you go thru a cycle of on and off and just want closure when the pain of the on again goes off again..... I don't blame you for wanting closure.... Nothing is more painful than the push/pull dance... Been there done that...... It gets to the point it is all or nothing......

[Danielle46]

You're such a strong spirit, Danielle. I know this is an horrendous time for you but your conviction will guide you through it.

 

Let us know how you are doing. We'll be here.

 

All the best, love. x

 

 

First, thank you for your concern. It means a lot.

 

Surprisingly, today, I have felt rather strong overall. I have had my moments where I've lost it because I received the answer-not the one I had hope for-but nonetheless, an answer.

 

It feels better to have closure. I still miss him immesely and think of him constantly, but in a slightly different light. I've learned to view things differently rather than sugar coat everything in defense of him and his actions.

 

I've decided to do for me. Yes, ultimatums are harsh...but theyre also reality (when carried through with). Maybe he thinks I'm being less than serious and is going to attempt to contact me, unbeknownst to him, it will be to no avail.

 

It's hard when even HIS mother tells me that this is how this HAS to be handled. That I dont deserve this and that he is being childish. She told me that I have to be firm with him and stick to my guns...apparently he has some "growing up" to do when it comes to communicating his feelings to anyone.

 

In time though, I think he will realize what he's lost. I am not vindictive so I won't hold a grudge against him. He could be going through a very rough and trying time in his life and isn't sure how to deal with it. But I cannot be strung along any longer...everyday feeling more and more hurt and more and more unsure.

 

I appreciate the support I am gaining from all of you. Now is time for me to get out and do some things with my friends. It's time for me to learn how to be happy on my own and just meet new people.

 

I do hope there is something there in the future for us...relationship, friendship, whatever...but for now he needs to see how strong I am.

 

I hope that all of you are learning (day by day) how to cope with each of your own situations.

 

Again, thank you for all of your support. Let me know if I can be of any help. You know where to find me :-)