Why do dumpers need space?

[soheartbroken]

So, I know why it's wise for dumpees to go NC, but why would my ex, who dumped me about a month ago (5 yr live-in relationship), suggest that we "go our own separate ways"? I didn't cheat or anything.

 

I really wanted to go NC on my own terms. If the dumper is so cool and confident with their decision, shouldn't they be okay to stay in communication?

[silic0ntoad]

They don't want to deal with the guilt of hurting you. It's all selfish as hell. You have to understand- they are doing it for them.

 

Go NC on your terms. Send him a message of how you feel or whatever.

 

Than vanish from his reality.

[HBJen]

They don't want to deal with the guilt of hurting you. It's all selfish as hell. You have to understand- they are doing it for them.

 

I think this is exactly it - and the same thing that is happening with me. He doesnt want to talk to me - because it hurts. And he knows how badly he is hurting me. I think its because he still loves me, but doesnt want to - or wants to push the feelings away so that he can move on.

[Darren09]

The dumper wants to get over u also..... by not staying in touch with you he is allowing himself to build his life without u around. Its hard to accept this when you love the person. I am dealing with not been able to let go and its a killer. The Best advice to give you is dont text, call, email, or anything now he left you for whatever reason and people who care dont do that its that simple. Dissapear..... its the only way that this feeling will ever go away. Use all your strenght to focus on sticking to this as he probably focused on leaving u! Be strong and good luck

[Beeotch]

So, I know why it's wise for dumpees to go NC, but why would my ex, who dumped me about a month ago (5 yr live-in relationship), suggest that we "go our own separate ways"? I didn't cheat or anything.

 

I really wanted to go NC on my own terms. If the dumper is so cool and confident with their decision, shouldn't they be okay to stay in communication?

 

 

Ahh depends on why they're breaking up....if they truly just are tired of you, didn't care about you, want someone else, etc they may very well want you to go your separate ways. Or the less harsh side is...they are trying to get over it as well.

 

If someone said that to me...I would do just that. It takes a while but you should listen to them.

 

If they are lying etc, that is for THEM to deal with or confess later on. But otherwise I have learned taking them at their word is best. Decoding, trying to figure out their "true" feelings.....waste of time. I did that for tooo long! Now I am finally at a place of acceptance. Do I believe that he isn't truthful about everything he has said? Yes. Do I believe he might still care and is in emotional turmoil? Sometimes....

 

But last night I realized....those are all my speculations. I MIGHT be right but I DON'T KNOW for certain. What I do know is what he actually says. So if he said let's go our separate ways...then that's what I would do.

[Danielle46]

Ahh depends on why they're breaking up....if they truly just are tired of you, didn't care about you, want someone else, etc they may very well want you to go your separate ways. Or the less harsh side is...they are trying to get over it as well.

 

If someone said that to me...I would do just that. It takes a while but you should listen to them.

 

If they are lying etc, that is for THEM to deal with or confess later on. But otherwise I have learned taking them at their word is best. Decoding, trying to figure out their "true" feelings.....waste of time. I did that for tooo long! Now I am finally at a place of acceptance. Do I believe that he isn't truthful about everything he has said? Yes. Do I believe he might still care and is in emotional turmoil? Sometimes....

 

But last night I realized....those are all my speculations. I MIGHT be right but I DON'T KNOW for certain. What I do know is what he actually says. So if he said let's go our separate ways...then that's what I would do.

 

Very true. I have spent countless days and nights trying to figure out what he's thinking...and it doesn't do anything but create more turmoil for myself.

 

You do have take everything at face value. Whatever they tell you...you can't try to read into it and devise your own theories, as bad as we may want too. You can't force someone into telling you something they don't want too... and men tend to bottle up their feelings, they don't want to talk...they just want to be left to their own devices to solve things as they think they should.

 

I'm not just pulling this advice out of nowhere...I've spoken to several males about my situation and they all agree that men are (in general) the same when it comes to dealing with stuff like this. Rather than talking things out, they just need to back away and be left to themselves.

 

The only thing you can do is what he said...you can't beg and plead with him...you can't try to convince him that he's making a mistake...he needs to see that on his own. And if he doesn't...then maybe it's just not meant to be, at least not for right now.

 

I have been with my ex for over 5 years as well. We grew together, are very intertwined in each other's lives...so I know the pain of suffering the break of a long relationship like so. It's excrutiating...but also something that most everyone goes through at some point in life.

 

Either way, you, me and everyone else will benefit from our struggles somehow in the long run...we will become stronger and more positive on what we do and don't want in a relationship. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to spend it with you.

 

Let's not fool ourselves...we want everything to work out.. we're the dumpees...we didn't want this in the first place. At the same token though, this isn't the absolute end of the world...Happiness will find each of us again someday and maybe when we least expect it. Maybe they come walking back into our lives at the most opportune moment.. or maybe we find someone else who sweeps us off our feet like we've never felt before?....It's all going to happen how it's supposed to.

 

In the meantime, let's find strength and courage and attempt to move forward...you can't change the past or predict the future...but we can try to make the best of the present.

 

Best of Luck. I know you can do it.

[adamt]

Unless you did something suddenly that jeopardised the relationship there is a good chance that the dumper has been thinking about quitting the relationship for a while but never had the balls to do it. Then when they do it they are ready to move on and its a relief. Then they want to put it all behind them

[Beeotch]

Very true. I have spent countless days and nights trying to figure out what he's thinking...and it doesn't do anything but create more turmoil for myself.

 

You do have take everything at face value. Whatever they tell you...you can't try to read into it and devise your own theories, as bad as we may want too. You can't force someone into telling you something they don't want too... and men tend to bottle up their feelings, they don't want to talk...they just want to be left to their own devices to solve things as they think they should.

 

I'm not just pulling this advice out of nowhere...I've spoken to several males about my situation and they all agree that men are (in general) the same when it comes to dealing with stuff like this. Rather than talking things out, they just need to back away and be left to themselves.

 

The only thing you can do is what he said...you can't beg and plead with him...you can't try to convince him that he's making a mistake...he needs to see that on his own. And if he doesn't...then maybe it's just not meant to be, at least not for right now.

 

I have been with my ex for over 5 years as well. We grew together, are very intertwined in each other's lives...so I know the pain of suffering the break of a long relationship like so. It's excrutiating...but also something that most everyone goes through at some point in life.

 

Either way, you, me and everyone else will benefit from our struggles somehow in the long run...we will become stronger and more positive on what we do and don't want in a relationship. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to spend it with you.

 

Let's not fool ourselves...we want everything to work out.. we're the dumpees...we didn't want this in the first place. At the same token though, this isn't the absolute end of the world...Happiness will find each of us again someday and maybe when we least expect it. Maybe they come walking back into our lives at the most opportune moment.. or maybe we find someone else who sweeps us off our feet like we've never felt before?....It's all going to happen how it's supposed to.

 

In the meantime, let's find strength and courage and attempt to move forward...you can't change the past or predict the future...but we can try to make the best of the present.

 

Best of Luck. I know you can do it.

 

I Cosign To This

[DSM2709]

But what if it's the other way around, she's the dumper, and she's already leapfrogged into another relationship (she's secretly been with this guy since may, however she tells me she JUST met him a couple of weeks ago.....read my previous posts..we broke up in mid July), but still is in contact with me? She states that she's not sure where it's gonna end up with this OM, cause he lives 2 hours away and he may get deployed, and he's set in his ways and vice versa etc etc,...does that give me any hope to think that because she's still in contact with me, she may still want me around somehow, I was a NICE GUY to her and her kids....maybe too NICE, and that's my problem, which I believe caused the demise in our relationship, and she took advantage of it? Maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. Yet again, it's a friday night and nowhere to go...by myself anyways (odd feeling). I saw her this past Tuesday and Wednesday...I guess when she didn't HAVE to call me, but she did...I met with her this past Tuesday and we talked for awhile and I got the rest of my belongings from her house that WE use to live in together, wasn't much to get and then I saw her again the next day (after she called me, when she didn't have to) with her kids this time...It was nice to see her and the kids....but now I wonder if I will see or hear from her again, or was this just her closing the book on us...I hope not. I miss her so much, I want to get another chance, I know I can be the man she wants me to be....however, I want her to stop lying to me and be more faithful. Thanks!

[Phateless]

So, I know why it's wise for dumpees to go NC, but why would my ex, who dumped me about a month ago (5 yr live-in relationship), suggest that we "go our own separate ways"? I didn't cheat or anything.

 

I really wanted to go NC on my own terms. If the dumper is so cool and confident with their decision, shouldn't they be okay to stay in communication?

 

Just because they ended it does not also mean they aren't hurting and having a hard time getting over you.

 

I'm not saying you should feel sorry for them, I'm just saying NC is required to make a breakup stick on both ends.

[Tayla]

Pardon the analogy as I am sure some wont get it.

But most times Folks take there medicine in different forms. SOme perfer a chaser afterwards, some just want it straight up, some just want to swallow it ( that punch in the gut with no reaction), and some want sugar on top to chase the taste away.

So to with breakups. No matter who is dumping who, they have their own way of serving up the medicine . Try being the adult serving the medicine, some folks just dont like it with sugar and want to know why the person is being kind in the mist of the harsh medicine. Some just want it straight up and go NC. Some want the chaser ( holding on afterwards). To each there own I say. The bottom line is the medicine has to be taken in some form and eventually the person who took the medicine finally GETS it. Its over, it hurt and its better now.

I entirely disagree that the dumper is entirely SELFISH. Self worthy and Self respecting maybe. So much so that they realize they neednt be apart of the head games or the inability to commit. Learn the difference before making a blanket statement. It really can be difficult on both sides when it happens . Yes there is a small majority that breaks up because their visual perception of the grass being greener entices them. BUt most genuine and valued relationships that hit the breaking point are done so with regard for the other and its definitely not an easy decision or action to take.

[Intergalactic]

But what if it's the other way around, she's the dumper, and she's already leapfrogged into another relationship (she's secretly been with this guy since may, however she tells me she JUST met him a couple of weeks ago.....read my previous posts..we broke up in mid July), but still is in contact with me? She states that she's not sure where it's gonna end up with this OM, cause he lives 2 hours away and he may get deployed, and he's set in his ways and vice versa etc etc,...does that give me any hope to think that because she's still in contact with me, she may still want me around somehow, I was a NICE GUY to her and her kids....maybe too NICE, and that's my problem, which I believe caused the demise in our relationship, and she took advantage of it? Maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. Yet again, it's a friday night and nowhere to go...by myself anyways (odd feeling). I saw her this past Tuesday and Wednesday...I guess when she didn't HAVE to call me, but she did...I met with her this past Tuesday and we talked for awhile and I got the rest of my belongings from her house that WE use to live in together, wasn't much to get and then I saw her again the next day (after she called me, when she didn't have to) with her kids this time...It was nice to see her and the kids....but now I wonder if I will see or hear from her again, or was this just her closing the book on us...I hope not. I miss her so much, I want to get another chance, I know I can be the man she wants me to be....however, I want her to stop lying to me and be more faithful. Thanks!

 

yeah, all of that? THAT is why you go NC. what you're doing right now is SO unhealthy and you won't move on. break it down simply for yourself:

 

fact 1 : she left you

fact 2 : she's dating someone else

 

if she stays in touch, it's mostly because she wants her cake and to eat it too. she might SINCERELY want to be friends, i know my ex did, but right now, she's just being careless because she knows you still love her and want her and seeing her gives you hope that you'll get back together. it won't happen. let it go. it's hard, i know, but in a year's time you will feel so much better and most likely will be able to pick up a friendship with her. i am now very good friends with my ex, and very much over him (it's been a year since the break up, we dated for 3 years and i was devastated).

just stop being in contact with her (in ALL WAYS, email, txt, calling) and DEFINITELY do not see her anymore. there isn't "hope", so stop hoping and move on, you will find love again.

[caramel c]

Pardon the analogy as I am sure some wont get it.

But most times Folks take there medicine in different forms. SOme perfer a chaser afterwards, some just want it straight up, some just want to swallow it ( that punch in the gut with no reaction), and some want sugar on top to chase the taste away.

So to with breakups. No matter who is dumping who, they have their own way of serving up the medicine . Try being the adult serving the medicine, some folks just dont like it with sugar and want to know why the person is being kind in the mist of the harsh medicine. Some just want it straight up and go NC. Some want the chaser ( holding on afterwards). To each there own I say. The bottom line is the medicine has to be taken in some form and eventually the person who took the medicine finally GETS it. Its over, it hurt and its better now.

I entirely disagree that the dumper is entirely SELFISH. Self worthy and Self respecting maybe. So much so that they realize they neednt be apart of the head games or the inability to commit. Learn the difference before making a blanket statement. It really can be difficult on both sides when it happens . Yes there is a small majority that breaks up because their visual perception of the grass being greener entices them. BUt most genuine and valued relationships that hit the breaking point are done so with regard for the other and its definitely not an easy decision or action to take.

 

I like this analogy and I will use it if you don't mind. I think this will help other people.