brwneyedgirl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I am recently out of a relationship and have started seeing a man who is going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him for many years, filed for divorce and is using the kids to get at him. He is very angry and hurt over all of this. He initially contacted me to be friends months ago when I was going through a break up. When my relationship was over, we started hanging out but it has turned into much more than just friends but without the verbal acknowledgment of feelings. He has told me that he doesn't feel like he can move forward at this point in time, which I completely understand given his situation. I am willing to hang on and wait for him but would be nice to know if he actually has feelings for me because I don't want to waste my time and just be a distraction to him. He asked me the other day if I had heard from my ex recently. To which I replied yes. My ex has contacted me a couple times recently asking for me to come back to him. I have told him that I am dating someone new and was interested in seeing where it goes. So now my new boyfriend is upset that I talked to my ex. He thinks that I am leaving my options open and if given time will rekindle my relationship and go back to my ex. He said he is going to give me time to think about it and see if that is what I really want. I have explained to him that I don't need time to think about it. I don't understand his tactic. . maybe he just needs some space? Thoughts?
deux ex machina Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 ...I am willing to hang on and wait for him but would be nice to know if he actually has feelings for me because I don't want to waste my time and just be a distraction to him. He asked me the other day if I had heard from my ex recently. To which I replied yes. My ex has contacted me a couple times recently asking for me to come back to him. I have told him that I am dating someone new and was interested in seeing where it goes. So now my new boyfriend is upset that I talked to my ex. He thinks that I am leaving my options open and if given time will rekindle my relationship and go back to my ex. He said he is going to give me time to think about it and see if that is what I really want. I have explained to him that I don't need time to think about it. I don't understand his tactic. . maybe he just needs some space? Thoughts? I think it's likely that he is telling you the truth. You are wise, you understand where he's coming from on so much and that's wonderful. Now, that being said, there is indeed a chance you may lose the connection a bit here and he just got out of something... he may date around...is this what's really bothering you? That you could lose him here? Such a delicate situation. It seems to be one of those things were it is what it is, though. If you pushed the matter, it wouldn't work - things are so easily disturbed. I understand where he is coming from, though. I'd probably feel the same way. Wouldn't want to get attached only to have someone go back. *hugs* time should help make this clearer...
Vet Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I am recently out of a relationship and have started seeing a man who is going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him for many years, filed for divorce and is using the kids to get at him. He is very angry and hurt over all of this. He initially contacted me to be friends months ago when I was going through a break up. When my relationship was over, we started hanging out but it has turned into much more than just friends but without the verbal acknowledgment of feelings. He has told me that he doesn't feel like he can move forward at this point in time, which I completely understand given his situation. I am willing to hang on and wait for him but would be nice to know if he actually has feelings for me because I don't want to waste my time and just be a distraction to him. He asked me the other day if I had heard from my ex recently. To which I replied yes. My ex has contacted me a couple times recently asking for me to come back to him. I have told him that I am dating someone new and was interested in seeing where it goes. So now my new boyfriend is upset that I talked to my ex. He thinks that I am leaving my options open and if given time will rekindle my relationship and go back to my ex. He said he is going to give me time to think about it and see if that is what I really want. I have explained to him that I don't need time to think about it. I don't understand his tactic. . maybe he just needs some space? Thoughts? I'm confused. The man you were dating who is going through a divorce that told you he can't have a relationship right now is your boyfriend who is upset that you aren't waiting around for him? If I've got that right, then what the hell? He won't proceed in his relationship with you, but expects you to wait for him and gets angry that you're talking to other people? Let him know that you're keeping the opportunity open, but he's made it clear that he's not ready for a relationship right now (and for good reason). Don't wait for him to be ready. You could be waiting indefinitely.
Author brwneyedgirl Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 I think it's likely that he is telling you the truth. You are wise, you understand where he's coming from on so much and that's wonderful. Now, that being said, there is indeed a chance you may lose the connection a bit here and he just got out of something... he may date around...is this what's really bothering you? That you could lose him here? Such a delicate situation. It seems to be one of those things were it is what it is, though. If you pushed the matter, it wouldn't work - things are so easily disturbed. I understand where he is coming from, though. I'd probably feel the same way. Wouldn't want to get attached only to have someone go back. *hugs* time should help make this clearer... Yes I am worried about losing him. He is a wonderful, sweet man. I do not want him there to be doubt about my sincerity, feelings or commitment to him. We were getting pretty close though over the last month and I think it scared him. He has since backed off a bit and things seem a bit tense.. . .then this happened. I know he has feelings for me. I have not seen him since Tuesday and he just started talking to me again yesterday. Part of me is angry because he is using his most recent experience to handle this situation and it's not really fair. I did email him to see where we stand but don't think I'll get a response. I think I just need to leave him alone for a while.
Author brwneyedgirl Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 I'm confused. The man you were dating who is going through a divorce that told you he can't have a relationship right now is your boyfriend who is upset that you aren't waiting around for him? If I've got that right, then what the hell? He won't proceed in his relationship with you, but expects you to wait for him and gets angry that you're talking to other people? Let him know that you're keeping the opportunity open, but he's made it clear that he's not ready for a relationship right now (and for good reason). Don't wait for him to be ready. You could be waiting indefinitely. Yes, you basically have the story right. I understand why he would be upset if we were in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but as of right now, we are not. From what I know of him, he's worth waiting for but you're right, I could be waiting forever. I know he has feelings for me and I understand the hurt and pain of his recent experience which is completely driving his response. I think he just needs time to heal and I need to give him some space. . .
deux ex machina Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Feeling misunderstood sucks. I feel you there. And now he's gone incommunicado... You've done all you can, I agree. He is going through so much, and I think he is overwhelmed to say the least. If you look up some things about separated people here, you can notice the patterns. No one's fault at all, it's just a very draining, terrible time for people. Maybe that can help you to know you aren't alone. That this is unlikely to be personal. Hate to say it, but right. Yes, and I don't think he up to handling anything else but his current situation right now. And sadly...this won't end for quite awhile. The timing of this seems to me to be way off. I am so sorry. I can tell you care for him deeply. So hard. Whatever you do hon, just don't push it, I don't think he's in the state to deal at the moment... *hugs again*
Vet Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Yes, you basically have the story right. I understand why he would be upset if we were in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but as of right now, we are not. From what I know of him, he's worth waiting for but you're right, I could be waiting forever. I know he has feelings for me and I understand the hurt and pain of his recent experience which is completely driving his response. I think he just needs time to heal and I need to give him some space. . . Get on with your life, wish him well and the all the best, and if he's ready and you're in a place that you're open to a relationship, you guys can try again. He's made his decision, and I think it's the right one. You don't want to jump into a relationship with someone that isn't going to be 100% there for you.
deux ex machina Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 ... From what I know of him, he's worth waiting for but you're right, I could be waiting forever. I know he has feelings for me and I understand the hurt and pain of his recent experience which is completely driving his response. I think he just needs time to heal and I need to give him some space. . . A few things: 1. He may not want to be exclusive when freshly out of a marriage. 2. He won't be the same person, once this is over. 3. He might even reconcile. You never know. In fact, it occured to me he might have that on his mind.
Author brwneyedgirl Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks you two! I basically knew this prior to asking but getting confirmation helps even though it's not what I wanted to hear. . .oh well. :-)
Author brwneyedgirl Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 A few things: 1. He may not want to be exclusive when freshly out of a marriage. 2. He won't be the same person, once this is over. 3. He might even reconcile. You never know. In fact, it occured to me he might have that on his mind. 1. He has told me he doesn't really want to date. He is pretty shy. But leads me to another question. . .why me and is he just settling for the first thing to come along? I asked him this and he said he contacted me because he was attracted to me and wanted to be friends and see what happened. 2. I know, divorce changes people.. . been there, know that. 3. I do not believe that he would reconcile. I asked him this question as well. From what he has told me there is too much pain from what happened and I don't think he could ever trust her again. Another question I asked is if he understood his part in the dissolution of the marriage. . .he said he had thought about it but didn't state what it was.
deux ex machina Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 1. He has told me he doesn't really want to date. He is pretty shy. But leads me to another question. . .why me and is he just settling for the first thing to come along? No one knows. Which is part of the problem with dating men going through this sort of thing...sometimes, you'll wonder. That would certainly make the case for doing what you would like in the meantime, and whatever happens, happens - stronger. Another question I asked is if he understood his part in the dissolution of the marriage. . .he said he had thought about it but didn't state what it was. Think this is part and parcel of the "he's not dealing" right now. Overwhelmed. He may not have the proper perspective on that one for some time now. Another one of those things that take time. Frustrating to hear, I know. Happy to help. Good luck to you, I know the temptation is great to help him so much right now, but this is something he is going to have to go through and wrestle with for some time. So don't waste your time. Life is too short.
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