Breaking up...oops

[amore21]

Hey, im new on here, thought i'd say hi - am from the uk...

my dilemma,

I'm usually known as being a pretty good guy but i think i've let myself down of late, ok i was in a 5 yr relationship with someone who i loved. We were engaged, bought a flat together and went to Rome in March. At the end of march i was in bed asleep with my phone on the pillow - open was a txt message from a girl saying 'i miss you xx'

That girl was my g'f when i was 14 and we'd been emailing one another for 7 months, quite harmless but she was planning to come visit and if i'm honest, i was going along with it. We'd spoke about it via email and txt.

my ex read this and went through my phone, then went onto the computer, reset my passwords and read through my emails (which hurt her). She woke me up to which i tried to deny it to avoid hurting her, i gave in and admitted it and she went to work angry, calling my mum to say i'd 'cheated' on her! I called my mum to explain, she picked me up with some clothes and i decided i needed to think and stay at my brothers.

Few days went by and we spoke, we met up and did some things but i was in a mindset that i did this for a reason (talking to another girl) and i decided i'd be better to discover myself and break things up. My ex was very annoyed and we shouted etc.

I met her again the next week and we ____. but i regretted it and didn't want to, but couldn't resist. Now the more 'idiot' side of me. I met a girl for a drink after breaking up 3 weeks before, the girl worked with my ex and we both knew her, i met her as a friend but we kissed. My ex was calling my phone company daily checking who i'd txt and call (i didn't know this!) and checked her numbers, found out i'd been speaking to this other girl.

A few weeks passed, i met my ex and again we did something stupid, but again i was confused, so i said i didn't want to do this and her to hate me for it. She's since met another guy, but told me she still wants me, i broke down a few weeks ago and told her i wanted her back. Right now i miss her so much ,we really had a connection and i would take her back, but i don't know if i can trust myself. She's on holiday and has been very hurt by all this (had a week off work, lost weight etc ). The 'other' girl i'm still seeing but she's away at the mo too, i would end it with her to get back with my ex, but i think if i look at it, i am possibly preventing being alone. I think i've stringed this other girl along, she claims she loves me too, which is not fair.

 

really don't know what to do. Also i rented my own flat so am now living alone, ex is living with her mum, which she used to hate.

 

Any advice, thoughts etc welcome, even if u decide to insult me, i probably deserve it....a very confused londoner

[mickleb]

Hi amore. I'm from the UK too, btw!

 

It would be an understatement to say you've got yourself into a bit of a pickle here. You're not being fair to your ex, your current squeeze OR yourself.

 

You're nowhere near ready for commitment, if you ask me. You may have some issues there that need some close attention because, yes, it sounds like you don't want to be alone.

 

Everyone in this picture (mum's included!) will respect you more if you admit you've made mistakes and that you want to do the right thing. (I suggest this is take some time out from women! Get your head together, read up about why this might've happened - self help books might not seem like your preferred choice but they may save you, and some others a bit of heartbreak in the future).

 

My two cents. Hope it gives you something to chew on.

 

Is the 21 your age, btw?

[amore21]

Hey, thanks for the feedback, its not my age no, i'm 24...

 

I completely know i've made mistakes, not sure why it's happened though, up until 6 months ago everything was fine, i did feel like i wanted to 'escape' occasionally from a deep relationship but i've always cared for her and didn't ever imagine this happening...she was the 1st proper relationship i've had.

 

Thanks for the above though, i think maybe i do need to take a break and 'find myself', self help books as you say, probably aren't my thing but i'm going to push past that and have a look anyway.

 

Really do appreciate your feedback, i was contemplating meeting my ex when she's back from holiday, but i now think that she needs to let the wound heal so to speak. Although it's gonna be hard to not meet her!!

 

If only u could build a time machine eh

[mickleb]

You can't go back but you can think about what you want from the future. Once you figure it out, maybe you could let your ex know. An honest apology, with some insight into why stuff happened and what you know you can do to prevent this behaviour again will help both of you to get over this. It does not mean you will get her back but it could mean you will have some peace.

 

Good luck. x

[amore21]

thank u.

 

I sat there last night and wrote out just thoughts on the situation, has cleared my head somewhat, i think i was being selfish and quite careless and i think i know why, it wasn't aimed at her or anyone else, just misguided belief that i should do what i wanted to do as you only live once....quite a brash and horrible thought process but at least i think i know where i've gone wrong before, most definitely a break is what i need. I'll write her a letter i think, as i don't want to meet her and have her have all the thoughts and feelings rushing back, it's not fair.

 

Thank you though, very kind of you to offer words of wisdom... i did have a look at your thread yesterday, how's everything going?

[mickleb]

Hey amore. You're welcome. I'm glad you wrote down your thoughts and it cleared your head. Young men (24 is still quite young) struggle a lot with the idea of settling down. It's a shame because it can hurt a lot of people, including yourself. I think 'time off' is very useful in a situation like this.

 

Um, how's it going for me? I guess I've not had a brilliant day. I've been really missing my ex and just wishing he would contact me or I could just have a hug from him, or something, even though I know it's really not as simple as that and his mind is probably a million miles away from me, at the moment. I have a hunch he's just trying to wipe me out of his mind, whereas I'm doing the opposite and trying to fully process this, so I my next relationship is as healthy as it can be.

 

It's like coming of heroin, apparently, needing a 'love fix'. I hate it. I just think I'm going to see his car on the road, or see him in the supermarket, or something. It's quite mad.

 

I suppose it feels a lot harder to stop dwelling on it because it was so sudden. He was so enthusiastic one minute, then out of the door the next. I feel as though I don't know him at all at the moment.

 

That's why, I suppose, I'm encouraging you to get your head straight then give your ex a decent apology. I think it will help both of you to move forward. I hope so, anyway.

 

How are you feeling today?

[TaraMaiden]

Well this is cosy.... I'll pop kettle on.....

[mickleb]

We all need a bit of cosy in these dark days, Tara. Get out the biccies, as well!

[amore21]

Hey, i'm feeling okish, i mean yesterday i got home late and watched a film, it was quite nice, hadn't been 'down' since the weekend and then this morning was listening to a song which reminded me of a night out we had, i was an idiot and sat there quite grumpy on this night, instead of just getting her up and dancing... never thought about it before, but it's one of those things i 'wish i could go back and change'. It'd have made her night.

My problem seems to be that i want her to be happy, i think i can be the person to provide that but i have no right to as i really broke her heart - which is awful. Just takes time i guess, it's been 5 months since we split though, we spoke 2 weeks ago and it was the lowest i'd felt, im sure i should have healed already... but we've not really gone 'NC' for more than 2 weeks so far.

 

The problem for me is that we co-own a house and are selling next year as some1 is renting it out at the moment, for 1 year, so regardless - we'll have to speak again next July, so it's like it's on the horizon, hence i can't move on fully.

 

I know what you mean about the 'love fix'. I did that in starting seeing a girl, which by the way i am attempting to cool down without hurting her, seems like all i've done lately is hurt people.

 

From the other side, i think you should try to do things you wouldn't normally have done previously, like go to dance classes or something out of character - anything to get your mind away from it... I think these things are like you need to try to distance yourself, not solely from the previous relationship but from the previous way of life.... Bit by bit though. You seem to be doing well all things considered. Being a guy that saw things break down all of a sudden, with me it was that i wasn't ready for commitment and i think the relationship was a case of bad timing perhaps : we met when i was 18, how old were you 2? It might be something similar?

 

Good luck though and i know it's cliche, but every cloud truly has a silver lining and it's there waiting to be found...

[mickleb]

Hey amore.

 

It's quite alarming how unexpected stuff can drag us down, isn't it? I was having one of my best days yet, yesterday, despite other stress happening (dog needed an operation but it all went well ) My brother was visiting and we went to the video shop to hire a couple of DVDs and I was really looking forward to the evening. I looked in my purse for the membership card and what did I find but a gorgeous passport picture of him I'd put in there, just in case I needed really cheering up, when we were really happy together! Ay-ay-aye! I talked myself out of getting upset about it and decided I wasn't going to let it spoil my evening, then had to fight the thought of it popping into my head about every half an hour!

 

That's just the way this sort of thing works, though, isn't it?

 

It's hard wanting to make someone else happy when circumstances prevent us from doing so but making ourselves truly happy, ultimately, helps us to do the same for many others.

 

Yes, my ex's issues were to do with being unable to commit but he's 38, so he felt a lot of shame, alongside that. He seems to have hit rock bottom and I can only hope he does take some action to improve his self-esteem, now, as he said he wanted to. Otherwise, he may keep making the same mistakes again and hurting people, along the way.

 

I also have to deal with my ex by next Feb, as my car is officially owned by him (lower insurance reasons!) But I know I will be a lot stronger by then and that we will be able to be civil and 'professional' about that matter, so am not worrying too much about it.

 

I am planning to join a dance class, as it happens! I think dancing is a bitof a win-win, for me at least - exercise, fun, being creative, meeting people. There's not much about it I don't like!

 

Hope you're feeling perkier now. x