How do I do it?

[Phateless]

She's driving me farking insane and I can't take it anymore. I want it to end but I can't do it.

 

We're caught in this endless cycle of arguing over stupid stuff. It usually starts with her snapping at me or giving me attitude and me calling her out on it and her refusing to apologize until we've already argued for half an hour.

 

I realize now that this will NEVER stop, she will never change. I want out.

 

How do I do it?

[dashing daisy]

Are you asking how to break up, or are you already broken up and asking how to break off contact?

[TaraMaiden]

One day, you just reply - "You know what? I've had enough. we're done here. you go your way, and I'll go mine. you're a free agent. It's over."

 

And end it.

 

It takes courage, but - hell, just do it!!

[Lyssa]

One day, you just reply - "You know what? I've had enough. we're done here. you go your way, and I'll go mine. you're a free agent. It's over."

 

And end it.

 

It takes courage, but - hell, just do it!!

 

I like Tara's idea - it's blunt and takes a lot of balls to do that.

 

If a guy were to break it off with me, I prefer him to tell me that it isn't working out anymore due to whatever reasons.

 

You're a decent guy, Phateless - sit her down (or you both can stand) and tell her you can't go through the endless arguing anymore. I'm pretty sure she'll tell you that things will get better... but you know, it won't.

 

Get out of it asap - your R sounds like it's killing the great guy in you.

[Crimson Tide]

Came across your thread, have you told her?

[Phateless]

Came across your thread, have you told her?

 

Still trying to ride it out. The incessant arguing has got better, but she still can't listen to my feelings if I try to bring something up. Basically if my feelings conflict with her own, she fixates on that and can't hear me out.

[TaraMaiden]

What do you want?

What do you see as possible?

What do you see as impossible?

is that tolerable, or is it a deal-breaker?

 

Look at the original date of this thread....

How far can this go, before something finally breaks, irreparably?

 

Or are you just 'settling'?

[hopesndreams]

A power struggle.

 

It can be worked out if you wanted it to.

 

Sounds like you don't want to.

 

Good chance this will happen with whoever you hook up with.

 

I realize now that this will NEVER stop, she will never change. I want out.

 

What changes can you make?

 

Oh never mind. You want out. But, at the beginning of your thread,

 

I want it to end but I can't do it.

 

Why can't you? Is it because you know you are doing something wrong?

[Phateless]

What do you want?

What do you see as possible?

What do you see as impossible?

is that tolerable, or is it a deal-breaker?

 

Look at the original date of this thread....

How far can this go, before something finally breaks, irreparably?

 

Or are you just 'settling'?

 

Peace and love.

Happiness.

I don't know.

This situation is a deal-breaker.

 

A power struggle.

 

It can be worked out if you wanted it to.

 

Sounds like you don't want to.

 

Good chance this will happen with whoever you hook up with.

 

I realize now that this will NEVER stop, she will never change. I want out.

 

What changes can you make?

 

Oh never mind. You want out. But, at the beginning of your thread,

 

I want it to end but I can't do it.

 

Why can't you? Is it because you know you are doing something wrong?

 

It IS a power struggle, but I don't want it to be. I've considered that maybe it's all my fault, but I really hope not. I'm a calm and rational person.

 

I need to work on properly setting limits and see what happens.

 

I can't do it because I can't stand the idea of hurting her, and I don't want to give up on how it was in the beginning. We had such high hopes for each other...

[spiderowl]

I suspect there's something, or maybe more than one thing, that underlies this situation and it is bugging her (or you). It is difficult to know who is really starting this as each person will no doubt believe it's the other.

 

There is some sort of power struggle. What does she want from the relationship? Are you giving her what she wants? What do you want from it? Is she giving you what you want? My ex would have said that I argued with him. I would have said it was the other way round. But underlying it all was the fact that I felt he wasn't as committed as I was and willing to demonstrate that commitment. We weren't 'moving forward'. What do each of you see as 'moving forward'. If either of you feels that you have gone as far as you want, then the other may feel this is not far enough. Therein lies an uneasy truce.

 

Essentially, I think that in a situation where there is constant bickering like this, either the people concerned are just bored and fed up of each other or one has all the power and the other is trying to restore the balance. Do you feel under pressure to do something in particular? That is the problem. Whatever your girlfriend is pressuring you to do is what is behind all this. If you are not happy to do what she wants, then maybe you should finish it, after all you are not going to give her what she needs from this relationship. The same thing could equally apply to her - are you trying to persuade her into something - commitment, marriage, children? If she is resisting, there you have your struggle.

 

If either party becomes the immovable object in a relationship, it is doomed. I speak from experience. What you need to do is to find out where the log-jams are for each of you. Relieving those is the only way you will make this relationship work. I get the feeling though that you don't want to bother.

[Phateless]

I suspect there's something, or maybe more than one thing, that underlies this situation and it is bugging her (or you). It is difficult to know who is really starting this as each person will no doubt believe it's the other.

 

There is some sort of power struggle. What does she want from the relationship? Are you giving her what she wants? What do you want from it? Is she giving you what you want? My ex would have said that I argued with him. I would have said it was the other way round. But underlying it all was the fact that I felt he wasn't as committed as I was and willing to demonstrate that commitment. We weren't 'moving forward'. What do each of you see as 'moving forward'. If either of you feels that you have gone as far as you want, then the other may feel this is not far enough. Therein lies an uneasy truce.

 

Essentially, I think that in a situation where there is constant bickering like this, either the people concerned are just bored and fed up of each other or one has all the power and the other is trying to restore the balance. Do you feel under pressure to do something in particular? That is the problem. Whatever your girlfriend is pressuring you to do is what is behind all this. If you are not happy to do what she wants, then maybe you should finish it, after all you are not going to give her what she needs from this relationship. The same thing could equally apply to her - are you trying to persuade her into something - commitment, marriage, children? If she is resisting, there you have your struggle.

 

If either party becomes the immovable object in a relationship, it is doomed. I speak from experience. What you need to do is to find out where the log-jams are for each of you. Relieving those is the only way you will make this relationship work. I get the feeling though that you don't want to bother.

 

Wow, very insightful post!

 

What she wants: to move in together and start moving toward raising a family.

What I want: for the arguing and insecurity to stop, and for her to be calm and rational enough that I can tell her when I'm upset without her freaking out.

 

To me, moving forward means the relationship being good, without constant conflict. To her, the relationship moving forward means living together, and she thinks that will end most of our conflict. I keep trying to tell her that you move in because the relationship is already good, not to try and save it.

 

Fact is, in the past two years, we haven't gone more than a month at a time without some sort of heavy conflict, and it's mostly over stupid stuff. I feel emotionally shut-down because I know that whenever I bring up feelings that conflict with hers, she gets upset and can't hear me out, but only discuss her own feelings.

[xpaperxcutx]

Phate, if you're already thinking it, you're really doing her a disservice by not telling her. What are you trying to do? Play nice and not hurt her feelings? Come on, we're not in kindergarten anymore.

 

When you're an adult you just don't play nice, if anything you can at least be tact about it.

 

Just tell her, " I'm tired of your behaviour. I can't take the constant fighting, screaming matches.... some people will put up with it, but I just can't. Does that make me a coward? No, because at least I tried to make it work. Sorry, let's just break up".

 

Then you run.

[skydiveaddict]

 

I realize now that this will NEVER stop, she will never change. I want out.

 

How do I do it?

 

 

Simply by telling her you've had it and you are done. Never easy but that is what you must do

[Beeotch]

She's driving me farking insane and I can't take it anymore. I want it to end but I can't do it.

 

We're caught in this endless cycle of arguing over stupid stuff. It usually starts with her snapping at me or giving me attitude and me calling her out on it and her refusing to apologize until we've already argued for half an hour.

 

I realize now that this will NEVER stop, she will never change. I want out.

 

How do I do it?

 

Sit her down and have a truthful conversation with her about it. No need to be rude, consider how you'd want someone to end it with you and do the same. It won't be easy and by nature of it, feelings are going to be hurt but simply tell her the whole truth....if she wants a discussion, have it once and for all and then go your separate ways.

[TaraMaiden]

What do you want?

What do you see as possible?

What do you see as impossible?

is that tolerable, or is it a deal-breaker?

 

Look at the original date of this thread....

How far can this go, before something finally breaks, irreparably?

 

Or are you just 'settling'?

 

Peace and love.

Happiness.

I don't know.

This situation is a deal-breaker.

 

This demonstrates to me that you're wandering around with blinkers on, being a doormat.

you haven't a clue what I'm asking, because you're not focussing on the situation as is, you're focussing on what you'd like it to be.

you have to fix what's wrong, here and now, not aspire to create something out of the current nothing.

 

Q: What do you want?

A: Peace and Love.

 

Don't we all!

 

That's not what I meant.

I meant, in this relationship, what is it you want, here and now?

 

Q:What do you see as possible?

A: Happiness

 

Again, you're not focussing.

I meant here and now, in this relationship.

You see what I mean about your aspirations being out of sync with events as they are now?

Plant your feet back on the ground and be practical, for goodness' sake!

 

Q: What do you see as IMpossible?

A: I don't know.

 

Good grief.... It seems to me this whole communication think is phukked. For you to be on the same page about anything, looks pretty impossible to us, right now... you seem to be completely oblivious about what you should be addressing...your mind is just not on this. You think it is, but you're seeing a wonderful castle in the air, when all you have is a pile of rubble, and no tools to start building.

 

Are you beginning to get this??

 

Q: is that tolerable, or is it a deal-breaker?

A: This whole situation is a deal-breaker

 

THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING IN IT???!!?

 

It IS a power struggle,

No, it isn't a power struggle at all...

 

but I don't want it to be. I've considered that maybe it's all my fault, but I really hope not. I'm a calm and rational person.

No, you're a doormat.

if you have been treated this way for so long - and you're still there, making empty threats, and posturing and trying to sound credible but failing dysmally, because she won't listen, take you seriously or pay attention - you're a doormat.

That, IS your fault.

I need to work on properly setting limits and see what happens.

Ok, well, when you're ancient, bent-over, decrepit and drawing your pension, and you're still struggling with this, let us know how that worked for you.

 

The time for that has long passed, don't you think?

if she hasn't paid attention, and ignored you, and basically shouted you down all this time - what damned difference is that going to make?

 

I can't do it because I can't stand the idea of hurting her, and I don't want to give up on how it was in the beginning. We had such high hopes for each other...

 

She obviously has no qualms about the idea of hurting you, however. She just keeps right on, because she knows she can.

 

You think this situation is of any benefit to her? How are you NOT hurting her by perpetuating it?

This is just as damaging, to both of you.

 

The beginning isn't now. the beginning was the beginning.

Now, is now.

It's how it is now, and you can't turn the clock back, chiefly because she has denied you the mechanism.

 

What I'd like you to do, is to consider this little question. I'm serious.

Really consider it:

Name me one thing - just one thing - on this planet that does not have a beginning, a middle and an end.

Name me one thing that has started, and will go on for ever and ever and ever, without at some point, finishing.

 

Then ask yourself:

 

Isn't it high time this little episode was brought to an end?

Has it not run its course?

if not - just for how much longer are you going to drag it out and keep it going?

And how useless will that be?

Edited August 1, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[Phateless]

She's trying, but it's baby steps. You're right, I haven't set limits in the past and that's why we are where we are. She constantly tells me she's terrified that I'll try again to leave and I believe her.

 

I'm just so exhausted from that way it is that I don't even know how to figure out what I feel anymore. I'm just tired and sad. I hate the idea that for her to really "get it" I have to actually leave her.

 

For whatever reason, I have this core belief that you don't abandon people, you just don't do it. I can't do that to her, and I'm so afraid people will leave me that it's hard to let go of the one person who I think won't.

 

I honestly can't tell if I don't want to be with her or if I'm just too terrified to be vulnerable again.

Edited August 1, 2010 by Phateless

[TaraMaiden]

Well there's only one way to find out.

Separation, and absolutely NC for 2 months.

Right off the radar.

As if the other doesn't exist.

Both of you need to try standing on your own 2 feet for a change.

[Phateless]

Well there's only one way to find out.

Separation, and absolutely NC for 2 months.

Right off the radar.

As if the other doesn't exist.

Both of you need to try standing on your own 2 feet for a change.

 

I'm just afraid that if I do that there's no going back...

[EthanH]

The bit where you put what you want and what she wants was quite important I think...

 

she wants to move in and start a family

 

you just want the arguments to stop...

 

but can't you see that the issues are interlinked, it is a vicious circle...

 

she is worried you will leave her, so is frantic, so you fight, so you distance yourself from her and convince her even more that she will leave you.

 

One way of another, you have to break that cycle. I think it basically comes down to you deciding exactly what you want. Write it out as simplistically as you can with a pen and paper if you want. I think too often, too many people make things more complicated than they need to be. You know if you want to be with her, you know if you said to her straight out that you wanted to be with her, it would be the one way to end her insecurity. If you don't want to do that, then you should end it.

 

The thing you say about not being able to bare the thought of hurting her... you are seeing things in the wrong way... you might think you are being kind, but all you are doing is just dragging things out until you break up with her and she will be probably more devastated the longer this goes on.

 

Sit down, decide what you want, and then act on it. But be decisive. If you want her, tell her that, no ifs no buts. If you don't, tell her, and then cut her off so she can get over you. There is no middle ground here.

[Phateless]

What if making the decision is the hardest part? I tend to have trouble with decisions in general.

[EthanH]

I think you know what you should do. If you over think this, you can think of a million reasons for each side of the decision. It shouldn't need that, indeed that kind of over-thinking will just make things more difficult. I think, at least in my experience, the best way to go with a decision like this is just to go on your gut instinct. I think you have that in your head, but you are just scared. You need to go on your gut instinct and stick to it.

[threebyfate]

Fear is the mind-killer, Phateless.

 

Have you ever outright asked her why your fights become power plays and why both parties need to self-protect, rather than working together to strengthen the foundations of your relationship?

[EthanH]

phateless...

 

I have another thing to add. My ex broke up with me in Feb. We got back in May until she got cold feet again recently and I said I wasn't willing to wait around forever and kinda told her to decide what she wants but until she does that, I want her to leave me alone.

 

She had this way, which I have never experienced with other girls before: she would get in such a mood, so easily, and she would blame things on me, she would just generally be in a rubbish mood. It wasn't as though I did anything wrong, but she told a mutual friend that it was just a sign that she was angry with herself for doing something she wasn't sure about. She was angry with herself. Being angry was the easiest way to push me away, and yet as soon as I did, she wanted me back again. I think this sounds pretty much like your ex? agreed?

[Phateless]

I think you know what you should do. If you over think this, you can think of a million reasons for each side of the decision. It shouldn't need that, indeed that kind of over-thinking will just make things more difficult. I think, at least in my experience, the best way to go with a decision like this is just to go on your gut instinct. I think you have that in your head, but you are just scared. You need to go on your gut instinct and stick to it.

 

I think you're right.

 

Fear is the mind-killer, Phateless.

 

Have you ever outright asked her why your fights become power plays and why both parties need to self-protect, rather than working together to strengthen the foundations of your relationship?

 

Oy vey, many times. She says they are not power plays and she escalates because she's so freaked out of losing me. She says that if she knew I wanted to be with her long-term she wouldn't be like this.

 

Problem is there's no way I'm giving her any kind of long-term commitment as long as she continues to act this way.

 

phateless...

 

I have another thing to add. My ex broke up with me in Feb. We got back in May until she got cold feet again recently and I said I wasn't willing to wait around forever and kinda told her to decide what she wants but until she does that, I want her to leave me alone.

 

She had this way, which I have never experienced with other girls before: she would get in such a mood, so easily, and she would blame things on me, she would just generally be in a rubbish mood. It wasn't as though I did anything wrong, but she told a mutual friend that it was just a sign that she was angry with herself for doing something she wasn't sure about. She was angry with herself. Being angry was the easiest way to push me away, and yet as soon as I did, she wanted me back again. I think this sounds pretty much like your ex? agreed?

 

Yes, my ex did act that way, but this thread is about my current gf. We're still together.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm just afraid that if I do that there's no going back...

 

Oh good grief!

Excuse me, but isn't that the whole point?

Haven't you been saying the whole way through you've had enough?

Surely, the whole point of "I've had enough" is that there is NO going back - ?

What if making the decision is the hardest part? I tend to have trouble with decisions in general.

 

No pschyt Sherlock!

That is entirely your problem!

It's not her - it's you!

If you were a little more decisive, this might well have been sorted long ago!

 

Oy vey, many times. She says they are not power plays and she escalates because she's so freaked out of losing me. She says that if she knew I wanted to be with her long-term she wouldn't be like this.

So basically, she feels you've mind-phukked her...

 

Problem is there's no way I'm giving her any kind of long-term commitment as long as she continues to act this way.

 

No.

The problem is you're so indecisive and you prevaricate so much, she doesn't know where she stands with you any more.

No wonder she's so highly strung - I guess I might be too, if my partner didn't know whether he was coming, going, been, gone or went!

 

You need to be more decisive and call a spade a bloody shovel.

While you see-saw like this, no wonder you make no progress!

 

I'm sorry, but I had no idea just how much of a flapper you were....

No wonder this whole thing is insane....

 

 

 

 

Yes, my ex did act that way, but this thread is about my current gf. We're still together.

 

Quite how this is still the case, is anybody's guess....

Really, Phateless....what are you like - ?!?