facing divorce with runaway, likely bipolar wife

[HappyAgain]

Just a question, what's stopping you from filing and completing the divorce?

[ryepatch]

i don't want a divorce, and even if i can't avoid it, i want to put it off until she's able to sit down and talk to me calmly about it, hopefully tell me why she wants a divorce. . . at least try to come to some settlement, or agree to mediation, so we don't have to get lawyers involved and go to trial. we don't have children, or any really huge issues, except for the question of spousal support, which eventually if i can't find work i would have to ask her for, but i'd like too put off doing that because it would make things worse between us long-run.

 

the theory is that she's going through a hypomanic episode, and within a few months she's likely to come down and realize i'm not the source of all her problems. . . even if she still wants a divorce then, we cann dod it amicably.

 

i found out i can file for conciliation, which will put off the whole process up to 60 days and make her come into at least one court-ordered marital counseling session. she would have to claim that there's been an "irretrievable breakdown" in the marriage. . . eventually she'll win if she's determined enough, but i can at least force her to come in and describe the nature of the "irretrievable breakdown." and hopefully slow it down.

 

right now i'm trying to avoid getting served--there was a knock at the door the other morning that i suspect was a process server, but i didn't answer it. i'm considering leaving town for a few weeks to avoid it. . .

 

just trying to slow everything down. she hasn't told anyone she's not in love with me anymore, or said we're not compatible, she even told me we were "twins" but she just can't talk to me right now and needs to get me out of her head. our therapist says she's being extremely unrealistic about that--you can't totally stop thinking about someone you're still in love with for years, no matter how much you have other priorities. we've had ten awesome years, and she's only been gone three months.

[HappyAgain]

I would have been saying the same thing and thinking the same thing last year. But guess what, we were together way more than 10 years and there would have been no way to force a reconciliation when the other party just refused. In fact, it took all of 8 weeks for someone new to move into my role. When I learned that, I let go.

 

It may be healthier for you to start accepting that she may not want to reconcile now or in the future. It hurts, I know, but it will lead to your healing a lot sooner.

 

Also, ask yourself, if you really want to be the guy who sits around and waits for her midlife crisis to end and for her to realize that she had it good where she started from.

[ryepatch]

today's our 8th wedding anniversary. . . she was so goddamn loving right up til the day she left. . . god, i knew today was gonna be hard if i don't hear from her, but it's worse than i expected. . . here's what she wrote to me in her handmade anniversary card last year. . .

 

"We've made it seven years and our love is still bigger than all the stars in the sky. I know things have been tough but as long as we got love we can get through anything. I'm so excited about our future together!

Happy Anniversary,

Love,

Dion."

 

i know, it was a whole year ago. but things have been getting better and better in our relationship all year, and things were about to change for us in an awesome way. she just has these episodes. . . i don't know, there's been no further attempts at serving me papers. . . on the bipolar blogs everyone says i just need to wait out her mania. . . it's hard when she's acting so angry without any explanation. . .

 

i'm really afraid of how i'm going to be feeling later tonight. . . i'm trying to be strong, but i feel like i don't have a single thread of my life left. . .

 

meanwhile i've got all our stuff, our cats, everything. i don't have the strength to touch it. . . can't find a job, no matter how hard i try. . .

 

it's just so unreal. i can't concentrate on anything, nothing gives me any pleasure. . . i can't think of a single thing i want out of life without her there by my side. . .

 

please nobody beat up on me today, or tell me i have to accept she's not coming back. i just can't deal with it today. i always believed as long as there's a will, there's a way. . . i know she loves me deeply, that's a big part of why she can't deal with talking to me. . .

 

sorry, i just needed to post this today.

[Chrome Barracuda]

What do you want outta your life...

 

Is this what you wanted outta your marriage?

 

What do you want for your future. if she doesnt come back, then you need to prepare.

[ryepatch]

i have no idea. . . all our plans were joint plans. . . things only the two of us could do together, with our unique talents and interests. . .

 

i'm nowhere near that point yet. . .

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Well you might just have to start making plans that only deal with you. How long are you gonna hold on to this ghost of a woman, maybe she's always had these mental issues that she probably held in longer than you realize...

 

Live for yourself. Your in grief mode but it doesnt last forever. Dont do it to yourself.

[ryepatch]

thanks for your help, cb, but right now i'm just trying to make it through the night. . . not thinking clearly enough to make any future plans. . . just hoping and trying to strategize that this divorce, if it happens, is the least hellish it can be. . .

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah it's hell...

 

I know. been there , done that, wore OUT the t-shirt.

 

Your not gonna be in that mindframe forever! things will get better.

[ryepatch]

i'm still hanging in there, made it through our anniversary without slitting anything, or calling or emailing my wife, more importantly. . . if only i knew what was going through her head right now.

 

our therapist says i should file a petition for conciliation, which will make her sit down to at least one court-ordered counseling session. . .

 

still haven't been served papers, and it's been six weeks since she filed. . .

 

god, this is hell. i can't think about anything else, can't distract myself with anything...

[Nomad1]

$500? Do you mean $5?

[ryepatch]

so i found out tonight that my wife had brunch with my friend's wife a couple weeks ago, and convinced her to leave her husband. my wife has never believed in divorce, always thought it was selfish, and not only has she filed against me, now she's going around convincing other people they should do it!?!

 

also found out she disconnected her phone number, which will force me to call her at work if i really need to. . .

 

and that she filed divorce july 22, tried to serve me but the papers were lost in the mail. . . i still haven't been served.

 

i take comfort in the fact that i never got an "i don't love you" speech. . . but i still have no idea why she wants a divorce.

 

i know she loves me. . . she's just unable to deal with it right now.

 

so she wants out.

 

i know i can't stop her. . . i just want it to be as painless and amicable as possible, but i have to choose between that and asking for alimony, which i'll get, but it'll piss her off big time. . .

 

i don't want to fight her, no matter how cruel she is. i wish we weren't married so i could just walk away and let her come to me.

 

it sounds stupid, but i'm afraid that a divorce will destroy our relationship.

[Britney23]

What makes you think that she has bipolar other than she suddenly seems angry at you and wants a divorce? If she really was having a manic episode her behavior would be much more extreme. If she does have bipolar you need to get her help and call someone so she can get on medication. You need to stand by her "through sickness and health".

My mother has bipolar and she had to get arrested and taken to hospital so she would take her medication, this has happened twice now. She is a completely different person when she is manic.

 

If you wife is manic, you (or anyone for that matter) would not be able to have a calm, rational conversation with her. But from the sounds of it she was calm when speaking to you.

 

If she does not have bipolar then you just need to communicate with her somehow and conciliation sounds like a good idea.

[ryepatch]

britney,

 

here are my previous threads in case you're interested:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198488/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198954/

 

basically, she's always had mood swings, and a year and a half ago started having sudden depressive episodes lasting a week or two, alternating with a few months of sunny, positive mood. then she broke down suddenly and left and started doing all kinds of crazy, impulsive things, drugs, travel, quitting her job and then asking for it back, being unable to have a calm conversation for more than a few minutes.

 

i think she may be hypomanic right now, as opposed to fully manic, as she's basically functioning at her job. she claims she's fine, but if you know her like i do, you know she's not.

 

she told me one of the reasons she left is because she was afraid i was going to lock her up.

 

it's hard to say, but our therapist says it's the only explanation that fits all the data. if she's not bipolar, he said, then she's basically got a personality disorder and will need years of therapy before she can be truly happy or stable.

 

i am going to stand by her, but it's hard when she won't talk to me and wants a divorce. although who knows, it's been a couple weeks since i've really heard anything. she could be backing off from the divorce.

 

more waiting for me, more limbo.

[Britney23]

I skim-read your previous posts and I think that your right about her having bipolar (although I'm no doctor). It must be really hard if she's hypomanic because everyone probably thinks that she's fine when you know that she's not. I really do feel for you.

 

Just remember that she doesn't really know what she is saying right now and isn't herself. If I was you I would not push for a divorce at all and if she does just try conciliation to postpone it.

 

If she's not on medication she is likely to become manic and when that time comes you have to call the police or the ambulance and "lock her up". Its for her own good. Your doing it because you care about her well-being and safety. She won't understand this and will probably be extremely angry at the time but once she is on the medication and her mood stabilises, she will understand and things will go back to the way they were, hopefully...

 

There isn't much you can do right now if she doesn't want to talk to you, just be there for her when she does. I find its easier to agree with whatever they say because you cannot argue or have a rational converation with someone who is manic. (I'm not sure about hypomanic).

 

Take care, hang in there! Talk to her parents and close friends if you can so they are looking out for her aswell. And look after yourself.

[Britney23]

sent twice...

[ryepatch]

i'm starting a free NAMI course tonight for loved ones of those with mental illness. i have no idea if it's the right thing to do. . .

 

i have no way of knowing if she's really bipolar, or if she is, what's going on with her these days. no recent info.

 

i got a call from a restricted number at 1 am last night, i answered, there was nobody there. i might have been her. . . checking to see if my phone number was still the same? just wanted to hear me say hello?

 

for all i know, she wants to come back but is too stubborn to do anything about it. i'm afraid she won't come back because she thinks i'll never let her live this down, never forgive her.

 

if she is bipolar, i'm doing the right thing by waiting, hanging onto the cats, keeping our home life intact so she has somewhere safe to come back to. keeping the promise i made to her.

 

or do i give her the cats, let her find a home for them (i haven't been able to), sue her for spousal support, treat her like an enemy?

 

my highest priority is to get her home or at least talk things out, so i need to not aggravate her. but it conflicts with my own interests in terms of moving on and being financially ok. . . if i find even a part time job, and get a few hundred (at least) in spousal support, i'd be ok. . . i don't even know if i want to stay in town. there's nothing for me here but my wife and my cats. . . but there's not much for me elsewhere.

 

i need to stay in town, too, for a divorce, which could happen anytime. . .

 

i don't know who i am without her. . . i've reverted to a version of myself i can't stand. i've been talking to all my longdistance friends, but none of them know the real me.

 

i spent the last few years turning into a version of myself i was proud of...it all fell apart when she left. i know i'm too codependent, but i just can't do this sink or swim thing. . . i waws going to go back to school, but the financial aid got all screwed up when she closed the bank accounts, and then i didn't defer in time.

 

i've been in therapy all summer, but i'm used to talking to someone on a daily basis, for hours and hours every weekend, about who i am and who i want to be.

 

i'm so lost, i have no psychological skills as a single person. . . i have absolutely no idea who i am. ten years of my life, down the drain.

 

why won't she talk to me? we go a couple weeks with no contact, then there's some accidental or unavoidable contact. . . i don't know how much further to go with NC. . . at some point i'll have to fight heerr, but it'll feel like fighting myself. maybe she's just waiting for me to do something so she can blame the whole thing on me and not have to deal with her guilt.

 

alright, feel a tiny bit better after writing that. better than emailing her and getting no response, right?

[ryepatch]

more than seven weeks since she filed, and i haven't been served?

 

maybe i called her bluff and it worked?

 

she's got so much inertia going in this direction, friends and family and coworkers, i don't know if she'd even call me if she missed me. . . and she can be so stubborn, and not tell anybody about her doubts about what she's doing.

 

maybe the passing of our anniversary last week had an effect on her?

 

today's sept. 11, it's weird because we were newlyweds when that happened (and we're from new york and environs), so every year the anniversary is the same. . .

 

i think possibly she's still intending to serve me, but keeps putting it off, can't bring herself to do it subconsciously. . .

 

i've got to emotionally stabilize for a while longer, then i'm thinking i'll just drop the cats off with her, let her be the one who decides to give them up. then i'll put our whole house in storage and leave town and wait til she contacts me. if i'm staying with friends somewhere, i don't have to pay rent and utilities anywhere. . . which i can only do if i give her the cats.

 

this is all so crazy, making decisions in the dark.

 

we have such a beautiful love, and even though i know things'll be different if/when we're back together, that foundation is still there.

[ryepatch]

having a tough day. yesterday there was a knock on the door at 6:30 am and i was sleeping so i didn't answer it. i don't know if it was a process server or not, it could have been some crazy person or maybe i dreamed it. last night i went on a "date" with someone i have nothing in common with (except she's going through a divorce too). i know, sounds like progress but it wasn't a real date, and i have no desire to be with someone else or even talk to someone else right now.

 

i feel so paralyzed. i just can't get my head together. i wish i knew what the right thing was to do. i've been putting off major decisions for so long. seeing my dr tomorrow, will probably up the dose on the antidepressants.

 

i think i was always crazy, i was only sane because i had someone who loved me. i have absolutely no desire to be single at all. things were going so well for us, we were really on an upswing. it was like she was just haunted by this depression thing.

 

i loved her so fiercely, with all of my being. i don't have anywhere to put that love right now. i feel like i'm falling into a hole, and i have no desire to get my life back on track. i know i need to if i want to get her back, but we're not even talking right now. i just need a reason to go on, i have nothing.

 

i don't know why i can't accept this as reality. i keep on feeling it's like the sky is orange now, no matter how many days i wake up and it's orange i'm still shocked when i wake up and it's not blue.

[soheartbroken]

Hey Rye. I really feel for you. Everything you're going through - I've been there/am still there. Paralyzed by major decisions? You betcha. Not ready to meet a soul? Right with ya. The ex and I aren't speaking, and I don't even think I've completely accepted reality either. I'm not on antidepressants but my doctor did throw out the suggestion.

 

Hang in there with me!

[ryepatch]

shb,

 

i just wrote on your thread about finding a hundred dollar bill on the street and whaddaya know, i just found a crumpled $20 at a gas station! who knows, maybe our luck is turning around!

[soheartbroken]

No way! That's awesome. Don't spend it all at once!

[ryepatch]

gonna have to. gotta buy a big bag of cat food tomorrow. . . our cats are all stressed out and all they do is eat.

 

meanwhile, i'm down to my highschool weight. . .

[ryepatch]

so there was another knock on the door tonight, i imagine from a process server. i hid in the bathroom til he went away. i told my wife 3 wks. ago that i'd sign the papers if she would sit down with me and tell me why she wants a divorce and talk about using mediation to come up with a settlement. i just don't understand, i'm willing to sign away my right to spousal support (would ask for $600 a month until i finish my degree, two more years), and we could avoid hiring lawyers ($2000-$3000 just for retainers). i could also get her to pay for my lawyer since i have no income.

 

so this divorce could cost her $20,000, or we could sit down for a few minutes and come up with a settlement which'll cost her practically nothing. it's worth $20,000 to her so she doesn't have to talk to me?

 

how does that make sense? she wasn't even angry when she left, said she didn't blame me. . . said she still loved me.

 

why can't she talk to me? or even email? or at least read my emails?

 

she's going to work, so she can't be totally manic. . . maybe hypomanic still. . . it doesn't make any sense.

 

she told me before she left "if i ever left you, i'd come back."

 

if it wasn't for this divorce, i could just sit and wait for her to calm down enough to talk. . . god, i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight. one of these days i'm gonna do something desperate. . . i just want to go over there and crawl into bed with her and then talk quietly when we wake up in the morning. we've gotten through so much together. i just don't understand.

 

i still believe in her. i just don't understand how she can just shut me out.

[ryepatch]

false alarm, i think. just found out my landlord stopped by last night to ask about the rent. so the knock on the door was probably her. not 100% though, could've missed one or the other of them while i was on a walk.

 

so, still hanging in there, hoping my W is at least stalling on the divorce.