NoIDidn't Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I agree with whoever said that it was oversimplication of the issue. Women lose interest in sex for lots of reasons. Many Thornton elaborated on. But each woman that loses interest, does so for her own unique reasons. The more reading I've done on the subject, it seems that many women are suffering from undiagnosed depression and thyroid problems. These two things are most common after children are born and the medical community doesn't seem to think quality of life issues are as important as health issues are. I think a lot of women are hit by medical issues that they themselves don't understand and their doctors don't bother treating.
flavius Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I think being underfxcked causes depression and thyroid problems in women. It sure as hell has that effect on me. Women who "just aren't interested anymore" are pulling away from their husbands. Because they take the passive role in all things sexual, they look innocent. But it is not innocent. Arousal is optional for women. It is a sypmtom of a wandering heart, just as sure as if they're looking for sex elsewhere.
katiebour Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I think being underfxcked causes depression and thyroid problems in women. It sure as hell has that effect on me. Women who "just aren't interested anymore" are pulling away from their husbands. Because they take the passive role in all things sexual, they look innocent. But it is not innocent. Arousal is optional for women. It is a sypmtom of a wandering heart, just as sure as if they're looking for sex elsewhere. I agree with the first part flavius- not enough sex is definitely depressing! But I must disagree with your statement that arousal is "optional for women." When I'm going throughout my day and I suddenly start feeling like I need some lovin', it's not because I decided I wanted to beg my b/f for sex tonight. It's not because I wanted to masturbate to deal with the feeling when he pushes me away. Believe me, if it were optional, I'd opt out! Then at least our libidos would match.
NoIDidn't Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I agree, katiebour. I hated begging my H for sex. For us, it was/is a timing issue. I am most amorous during the afternoon, him at night. He'd rather run around and do things during the afternoon. I'd rather disconnect at night. Our compromise: mid mornings when possible.
flavius Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 But I must disagree with your statement that arousal is "optional for women." When I'm going throughout my day and I suddenly start feeling like I need some lovin'QUOTE] My apologies. Some mysterious third of women are wired like men, that is with active (versus passive) libido. My comment is dead wrong in their case. Another third of women enjoy sex enormously once you've tricked them into it, and that elite third of women have trained themselves just to resist sexual enjoyment to the bitter end. They hate their husbands, and their husbands hate them. It's a hostage stand-off: Love, guns, and children. It surprises me how often I hear of high-libido women whose husbands are overwhelmed or put off by the sexual demand of their wives. Hard to imagine that it's that hard to throw down a daily d-ckin'! But it almost seems like wherever there is a supply/demand imbalance, somebody will leverage it for advantage, that is, they'll use it to punish the one who wants it by witholding it from them. The tables turn. Scarcity is the root of all evil. Remember the "curse" as Adam & Eve left the garden of Eden? Scarcity. Every other ill stemmed from it. Scarcity leads to competition, then to domination, then to oppression, then to sadism. It feels good to win, and it sucks to lose. So you kick their ass when you can, then dance on their bones. It's the essence of sin. Love is the opposite of the Curse. "Love seeks not its own; Love never runs out." [st Paul, to the Corinthians] Applied to the bedroom, they are the most brilliant words ever written down.
giotto Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 My apologies. Some mysterious third of women are wired like men, that is with active (versus passive) libido. My comment is dead wrong in their case. Another third of women enjoy sex enormously once you've tricked them into it, and that elite third of women have trained themselves just to resist sexual enjoyment to the bitter end. They hate their husbands, and their husbands hate them. It's a hostage stand-off: Love, guns, and children. It surprises me how often I hear of high-libido women whose husbands are overwhelmed or put off by the sexual demand of their wives. Hard to imagine that it's that hard to throw down a daily d-ckin'! But it almost seems like wherever there is a supply/demand imbalance, somebody will leverage it for advantage, that is, they'll use it to punish the one who wants it by witholding it from them. The tables turn. Scarcity is the root of all evil. Remember the "curse" as Adam & Eve left the garden of Eden? Scarcity. Every other ill stemmed from it. Scarcity leads to competition, then to domination, then to oppression, then to sadism. It feels good to win, and it sucks to lose. So you kick their ass when you can, then dance on their bones. It's the essence of sin. Love is the opposite of the Curse. "Love seeks not its own; Love never runs out." [st Paul, to the Corinthians] Applied to the bedroom, they are the most brilliant words ever written down. always entertaining...
quankanne Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 It surprises me how often I hear of high-libido women whose husbands are overwhelmed or put off by the sexual demand of their wives that's because men want submissive wives who will *only* want to try to mix it up some at his suggestion. Basically he wants a slut in bed, but only one he can control. Because women who are in tune with their sexuality are a huge threat to the male ego.
angie2443 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 It surprises me how often I hear of high-libido women whose husbands are overwhelmed or put off by the sexual demand of their wives that's because men want submissive wives who will *only* want to try to mix it up some at his suggestion. Basically he wants a slut in bed, but only one he can control. Because women who are in tune with their sexuality are a huge threat to the male ego. Yes! I've experienced this and have known others who have also. It's crazy, but when I think of what men often want in relationships, it makes sense.
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 that's because men want submissive wives who will *only* want to try to mix it up some at his suggestion. Basically he wants a slut in bed, but only one he can control. Because women who are in tune with their sexuality are a huge threat to the male ego.Seriously... where do you come up with this misandrist stuff? It is absolute, total nonsense.
giotto Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 It surprises me how often I hear of high-libido women whose husbands are overwhelmed or put off by the sexual demand of their wives that's because men want submissive wives who will *only* want to try to mix it up some at his suggestion. Basically he wants a slut in bed, but only one he can control. Because women who are in tune with their sexuality are a huge threat to the male ego. I don't think Quank is completely wrong... a woman with a high sex drive, who wants sex all the time, might be indeed threatening to some men... why, I don't know... I once had a girlfriend who was very close to a nymphomaniac and I didn't feel in control at all! She would do wild things to me and I remember just lying there thinking... WOW! But there was no control. She was in charge... did I like that? Yes, in a perverse kind of way... are all Danish girls like that?
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I don't think Quank is completely wrong... a woman with a high sex drive, who wants sex all the time, might be indeed threatening to some men... why, I don't know...I can honestly say that in my 50 years shuffling about this planet, I have never, ever personally known of a man who is intimidated or otherwise feels threatened by a woman with a high sex drive.
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I can honestly say that in my 50 years shuffling about this planet, I have never, ever personally known of a man who is intimidated or otherwise feels threatened by a woman with a high sex drive. My Ex was. And here I sit, single for over a year, placing CL ads to get laid (I haven't done it yet, but the ad is out there and I'm wading through 500+ responses).
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 My Ex was. And here I sit, single for over a year, placing CL ads to get laid (I haven't done it yet, but the ad is out there and I'm wading through 500+ responses).Doing anything tonight?
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Doing anything tonight? Probably not! As horny as I have been, reading the responses is becoming a turn-off and makes me think it is easier for me to remain alone...
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 reading the responses is becoming a turn-off The large percentage of penis shots probably doesn't help.
redtail Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 that's because men want submissive wives who will *only* want to try to mix it up some at his suggestion. Basically he wants a slut in bed, but only one he can control. Because women who are in tune with their sexuality are a huge threat to the male ego. I'm not going to argue, but this is so untrue for me and of my male friends. I'll spare the details, suffice to say I've been tested on this theory and loved it...
quankanne Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 She would do wild things to me and I remember just lying there thinking... WOW! But there was no control. She was in charge... did I like that? Yes, in a perverse kind of way... are all Danish girls like that? :laugh: no, hon, you just got lucky. it's not being misandrist, just emperical observance from 20 years of marriage and a previous hoochie life. Men *think* they want a woman who is a go-getter in bed ... but after awhile, the idea of sex just freaks them out. It's unnatural for a woman to "want it," especially if she proposes it outside the schedule he's set for them as a couple. maybe we ought to ask lizzie her opinion. I'm sure she'll be able to tell you the great number of men who won't screw their wives but are happy to have a piece on the side ... it's about being in control.
datura_noir Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 For us, it's more about quality than quantity. Both H and I have similar drives; we go through periods of not having/wanting sex, but are still loving and intimate. Our drives match each others, so it's not really a problem. But, at one time, during his A, he was obsessively looking at porn and masturbating, and leaving me high and dry. I got no loving touches or glances either, and no conversations. When we resumed our sex life post-affair, we went at it like rabbits-hysterical bonding and all! But it cooled down to our usual amount once we got past those issues. I do miss the HB from time to time, but I love what we have together-and when it happens, it is a wonderful thing!
quankanne Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 rabbits can bond hysterically? Why, I didn't know that!
mem11363 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 When I read the comments below I just cringed. They are "correct" but in some ways very sad. My background: Very happily married 20 years. Wife and I are both 46. She has provided me with a steady stream of "girlfriend" quality sex. And I truly believe that I married the very rare (maybe 5% are like this?) type of woman who acted the same way before marriage as after marriage and even more aweseom the same way after 3 kids. She took great care of her body before marriage and still does. At 46 she looks early thirties. I was her highest priority before marriage - and now - except for the kids still am her highest priority and she is mine. As for the list below. 1. Pretending to like sex to "bond" with your spouse. This is deceptive and hurtful. Both men and women in sexless marriages feel very hurt by this behavior. 2. It is harder to please women. I think women "should" tell their men if they are not being pleased. I also recognize that some men are selfish or unskilled or fearful (like those who won't give oral) 3. This is actually quite right. And women who don't teach (and men who don't learn) their spouses how to "arouse" them when they start out "neutral" on sex, tend to starve their mates of sex. 4. This is psychobabble invented by people with low drives, bad marriages, to excuse infrequent sex. 5. If this was true, women would all have one child and the human race would be extinct. This is clearly not even close to true. The loose part is correct, but the rest is laughably ignorant. Losing your baseline "arousal level" is common. It is however totally different from losing your sex drive entirely. In the former case, you don't get horny just from looking at your spouse, being with them. But you can get aroused if you "let" them touch you in the right way. Total loss of desire is more rare and truly sucks. As for it being "natural" and therefore why change - your comments. If you can truly read all the angst from people in sexless marriages, how rejected they feel, how sad and angry they are, how lonely and insecure they get. If you can read all that and truly think - hey if the partner loses desire - whats the big deal - then you are a heartless person. If you love your spouse, and lose your desire: 1. You don't have to deny them love and sex - you can make "some" effort just to be loving and kind 2. You can see a doctor / try to fix it - and for sure communicate with your partner so they know what is happening and that you are trying to fix it and that you love them and want to "want" them. I am no position to really comment - seeing as i'm not married. I think it seems perfectly natural. I think it could be all manner of things. 1) In the early days, the woman may have been appearing more 'willing', exciting, fun. I know many girls/women that don't enjoy sex but do it for the sake of it in the early days. But if you never enjoyed sex to begin with, I guess in the end, it becomes a pointless and hollow charade to keep up. 2) I think generally it is harder to please women and some men can't. As such the woman gives up expecting to be satisfied by sex with her partner. 3) Some women view sex as the means to an end for a baby. Men see it more as fun. This can go back to biologically women need to settle down and raise the child and men can go on to have more children with many partners. As such after motherhood, there would be no biological/hormonal need for a woman to continue wanting sex. 4) Cannot seperate the role of mother and wife from the role of woman or lover. 5) For some women I imagine the pain/discomfort of childbirth could scar a woman from having sex again. I mean I don't know much on the subject but doesn't the vagina loosen meaning sex would be less pleasurable anyway? These are all just general thoughts! What you need to know is: has the woman lost her sex drive all together? Or just with her partner? If she was with a new man would she be sexual? Does she masturbate? If the sex drive is altogether gone and the woman is happy this way, and it is natural, then really why should this change? If she is unhappy and it is other issues, thats when something must be done. Also it must be recognised that many men lose their sex drives also, some for a similar reason i.e. not being able to view the mother of their child as a sexual object anymore / baggage or issues in the relationship / letting themselves go and not feeling energetic or sexy etc.
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