Free Atlast????

[Beeotch]

So tonight I did the unthinkable and phoned up my ex at 2 am....mind you he has a gf...but I know she doesn't live with him and it was an impulse anyway, I was like whatever....he can answer or not I just have to.

 

I saw him online on Twitter (went to his page....I just gave into the urge ) and saw him comment about" sorry for not being your 1st in anything, was I supposed to be boring before you?" and I suppose he was commenting about his gf. Then I saw he had made a comment about a minute earlier...so he was online.

 

Anyway I just got controlled by the urge and asked him if he was alive and he replied and then said he was so sleepy he was typing foolishness...then I asked if I could call him (yes people )...didn't wait for the reply but did anyway. I guess he replied saying "Feel free to call during regular non-late calling hours" and then said he was about to try to sleep and if not he would be tweeting from his fone.

 

I called him BEFORE seeing those and he sounded sleepy and almost as if he didn't want to talk to me...but I know how he is when he is sleepy so it could not have meant anything negative except he was actually sleepy.

 

ANYWAY....the point was, I got of the phone at first feeling bad like OMG he truly doesn't love me anymore because even if he is tired since we haven't spoken in a while he should be HAPPY to hear from me .....I felt like I was rejected. Then when I saw the message about non-late calling hours I started thinking ohh well makes sense he has a girl now, that would be rude, I guess he is trying to say it in a nice way then I also thought, well he would normally go to bed early anyway when we first used to talk so 2 am is a bit late and he might not have meant anything....then I also thought you know what he is not simply rebounding and pretending but has truly lost all love for me and views me as another girl....and ofcourse that comment he made implying sexual stuff about his new girl also stung as I thought he MUST KNOW I can see it and doesn't even care....

 

 

In any case...now I am oddly relieved. It is theeee strangest thing! At first I felt bad like OMG this is it...the final nail in the coffin then I started feeling relieved almost like I truly got closure. I suddenly feel disgusted aand annoyed by him....like what did I see in him? He is not that great esp if he is so fickle.....I suddenly felt like I COULD GO ON...that the future is BRIGHT! That I can and will find a man who finds me to be the most beautiful woman ever and who is not fickle and ever-changing about it....

 

I suddenly remember all his flaws and issues and the insanity I would not have to deal with...I also started to think that this poor girl...who he already seems peeved with, she will probably be in my previous position of heartbreak very soon.

 

I do not know why or care...but I am EMBRACING this new feeling of acceptance and relief and like the monkey has gone off my back. I do not plan to "feel free" to call him...that call was enough, I have nothing else to say really. I also plan to truly stop looking at his pages and to MOVE FORWARD. My college also starts back next week and I am looking forward to diving in and planning my future (this is my senior year) and leaving him and his memories, issues and fickleness behind. I truly hope this feeling lasts and it isn't a high/low thing. I feel that it will last though....thank God for answering my prayer.

 

It feels great...I am smilllling!

[Beeotch]

I am not even done...sorry..thought I was.

 

But all of a sudden I feel I have my POWER back. I feel beautiful and flawless.

 

I feel like I know I am gorgeous and intelligent and an excellent catch and I know he thought so too...if she is a rebound or not...it matters not anymore and she has nothing OVER me....if he truly likes her, so be it. It doesn't take away from me...as truthfully he is NOT the best thing since. I have lots of issues with him and that is what also lead to our break up so in some ways I would have broken up with him anyway, but he did it before I could.

 

I no longer feel betrayed and victimized but like....it would have eventually eneded anyway!

 

If he has lower standards, if he can't keep up, if I am much to stable for him....soooo be it! That is not my fault.

 

He can have his delusions and wayward lifestyle...while I have my own fabulous life. I am DONE wondering about him and I think I will go ahead and flirt around and not wait for him to "wise up".....