4givrnt4gtr Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 So I visited my bf last week and I think it has been a lot harder now after visiting him than when he first left. Seriously, there has yet to be a night when I dont cry at some point. I miss him so much! Even when I was there I couldnt fully enjoy myself. I didnt really know why until I realize that first, I miss being with him so much that those few days just were not going to be enough, and then, I assumed it would be just like when he was with me here and when it wasnt, i panicked and thought the connection was lost. I later realized that we wont be feeling that "at peace" feeling we had when we lived close by because back then we had all the time in the world and we could just do nothing all day and be happy. During the visit it felt like a sort of urgency, like we had to cram the best times possible into 5 days and when we were just watching tv or laying around, as much as I wanted to relax. i just couldnt. I know we gotta get there again, to that relaxed place, despite time limitations but its gonna take time (am i right????) In any case, we finally relaxed at the end of the last night I was gonna be there, and it hit me that mostly I just missed "us". The life we had when he was living near me. It was so amazing and its so sad that we wont have it again for almost a year, if we are lucky and get thru this. the drive back was really sad and I knew these next three weeks of freedom from school were gonna be hell. So i made a plan to buy me a guitar and learn to play. I also planned to get books from the library, books ive been wanting to read for years and read them, and movies. Well, all that is great and dandy...but I just cant shake off the sadness. Im so so so sad to be away from him. Im trying really hard to be happy for him, well I am actually, Im really happy that after a long time of being unhappy, away from his family and in a city he hated he was finally able to move back home, start grad school and live his dream. Today he called me, telling me how excited he was as it was his first day of school. Im so glad he called me because it totally cheered me up to hear how excited he is and how happy he really is now. However, i still feel like i have nothing to look forward to here, I got three weeks before my own school starts again and despite all the things i planned to filled them up, I just cannot muster any enthusiasm for any of it. Its so depressing. I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy, to get moving and go on with my life but i just dont feel like it. I mean, I know im supposed to keep busy and Im really trying. I go to work, Im getting my applications ready to get into doctoral programs in his area, as I said I bought a guitar and Im learning to play, Im reading, Im doing all i can think of, but this sadness wont lift. I really dont know what to do anymore, and I really dont want to feel like this anymore. THe only time I get happy is when we talk and he seems so excited, yet i still get a bit jealous of all the new people he is meeting. And ofcourse the usual insecurities in these situations...what if he meets someone new? someone he has more in common with? what if he decides is too much work? I know that if thats the case then he isnt worth it anyway, but I still cant help being scared. What can I do to feel better? I mean other than keep busy, cuz obviously thats not working. This is a lot harder than i anticipated...and I think is a lot harder for me since im stuck in the same old situation while he is meeting new people and going to new places. I know he misses me too, he told me today that the only bad thing is that Im so far away... what can I do?
Els Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 What I do (I'm not sure how theoretically wise this is, but it works for me) if I have too much spare time and my bf's away, is find something 'addictive' to do that is somewhat beneficial or at least not destructive. You know, something you can't put down til you're done with it. Music, gardening, working out and all is great but it doesnt have the 'pull' that will keep you engrossed in it. On the other hand, there are some things that are just designed with that 'pull' in mind, because that's how they keep people, it's a business thing. Things that have worked for me are a very interesting fiction book, a drama/anime series (the longer the better, heh), writing (only if you really love it and can't put down the pen til you've gotten everything out), computer games (you'd be surprised how effective this is and how many people there are addicted to this, it's actually a fine line between being engrossed and addicted. Thankfully I've been walking it fine), chatting and uhh forums.
AnnPod Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I hear you!! Yes, it's so tough to go back to the life you have on your own, the life where the one you love is simply absent. I think you are doing totally fine, it's always the best not to give yourself up and try to be happy and work on that. But sometimes things need time. So I can only tell you, give yourself some time to get used to your life without him, and try to appreciate it as much as possible. And it's to a certain extend normal to be sad. Don't ignore that, but get through it. If you feel like crying, do it, but don't make sadness control your life. What helps me is to find things that make me laugh. Watching comedies with my friends and stuff, meeting people that cheer me up. So yeah, be strong, you gonna be able to deal with your situation
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