rosey77 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi, I'm 37 and this is the first time i have been involved with a married man. When he first asked me out he said he was seperated and i had nothing to worry about. i was already very attracted to him but didnt dare act on it as i thought he was married. But he told me his story and i thought going out for a coffee couldnt hurt. he was incredibly attentive and really desired me so much. he's very handsome and the chemistry is amazing. we were both shaking from even the slightest touch. But i then learnt he was actually living in the same home as his wife but in seperate rooms. she refuses to have sex with him. so he says hey. But he has never been nonchalant about it. Always worrying and feeling guilty. so have i. i it seems no matter how hard we try we cant stay apart. anyways thing havent been going for very long. I have broken it off many times already. it seems just when i feel he is getting closer to me and he loves me and i tell him i love him, he backs right off and even ignores me. so then i call him and tell him i cant be like this and it hurts to much to take a wifes crumbs. But then he becomes full on again and says he loves me and begs me to stick with him. but again the same thing occurs. i feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride. how do i get the strength to leave him. i have started up drinking and all it does is numb the guilt and he is the same. We drink together to numb our guilt. He says he will be leaving his wife as soon as he can but the financial situation they are in wont allow it. He says i am the only other woman he has wanted in 18 years but how would i know this. it seems more and more i see him less and now he asks me to call becuase he doesnt want my number to show up anywhere. i feel like an awful person and like nothing to him. why cant he just let me go. how can a man say he loves you and hurt you so bad. I need help and support to leave this relationship behind. i know it wont be easy. thanks
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I kinda fel sorry for you but dont because you have the right to choose. Forget chemistry, and all of that other stuff. he's married, that should be your only concern you see your guilt is getting to you. If you want to change things you have to change them on your own. And i wouldnt trust what he's saying about his wife either. MM are known to lie and prey on vulnerable women. Dont fall for it...
Lyssa Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 why cant he just let me go. how can a man say he loves you and hurt you so bad. I need help and support to leave this relationship behind. i know it wont be easy. thanks The only way you can really get out of this is to go no contact with MM. Block and delete him off your phone book, email etc. Chrome is right, you have the right to choose and please choose wisely.
itisjccole Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 why cant he just let me go. how can a man say he loves you and hurt you so bad. if he cannot let go of you, and you are terribly feeling the pain each day which makes your life miserable already, then you need to be tough and just let go of him. remember that the only permanent thing in life is "change". If letting him go, is painful to you, days pass, you will get over of the pain and learn to be happy again. learn to accept things. he is a just a man, commits mistakes too, their could be times in their married life that they wanted somebody else to feed their fantasy.
indiagirl1 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Do it now before the realities of being in an affair hit you....I'm two years down the line and have nothing to show but heartache and despair. The times together are fantastic but they end and he goes home to his family. I used to make excuses for him but now feel nothing but humiliation and sadness. Get out whilst you can. Good luck.
Author rosey77 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 hi everyone and thanks for your replies. i know it is up to me to leave. I just never knew it would be so hard. Anyways the thing that really bugs me about this is why it is sooooo hard for him to leave his maaiage anyways. More and more i find it hard to respect someone who will stay for financial reasons. I asked if they can sort out thier marriage and he said it is beyond hope. Why can t he grow some balls.....his children are almost adults. i dont know how he expects me to live like this and not feel anything. i am getting out thats for sure. i have heard so many peoples stories about thier relationships with MM it is scarey and very very sad.
Lyssa Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 If it was really beyond hope/help, then he would have left a long time ago, don't you think? As it has been said so many times on this board, words are nothing if they are not backed up by actions.
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 why cant he just let me go. Question really should be, why can't you let him go. He led you to believe he was 'separated', then the truth kind of came out that he was still living at home, but in separate bedrooms..BULLCRAP! He's married, why do you think he's feeling guilty? Hiding you, making sure noone finds out about you? His actions do not meet his words, if he truly loved you, enough to want to be with you, he'd leave his wife, divorce and be with you..He hasn't and he won't because he likes things how they are. You are the OW and play a certain role in his life. He may have feelings for you, but it's not enough for him to bail out on all that he knows, his wife, their history together, family, inlaws, friends, extended family, the house, (do they have children?) the life they built together. If he were single, would you put up with such treatment? The cat/mouse game? The ignoring you? Leave now before it gets harder...
Author rosey77 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 No i dont want anymore cat and mouse game. Its happening tonite. he texts me from work. he does night shift this week. Because i have only answered a couple of his texts and only with one word at that, he sends me a text saying i am the best lover he has ever had lol saying how great it makes him feel. it's all about him. he cant see anyone else.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Tell him you would be more comfortable seeing him if you and he could have a sit down chat with his wife to make sure it is ok if you and he see each other. That will give you your answer as to whether you should keep seeing him or not.
zilgurl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Rosie Ive just been on another post discussing my situation with my husbands relationship with another woman. He painted a poor picture of me to her and told her how wonderul she is and Im left to pick up the crumbs. It really hurts to have a man thats cheating on you. He had to tell her negative things about me in order to appease his own conscience. So from my perpspective as the wife it feels terrible knowing another woman is wooing her way into his life. Please have the decency to pack up and leave no matter how hard. There will be no winners in the end.
MistyK Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi, When he first asked me out he said he was seperated and i had nothing to worry about. But i then learnt he was actually living in the same home as his wife but in seperate rooms. she refuses to have sex with him. He didn't waste any time telling you a lie that he was seperated. That certainly casts doubt on whether or not they're having sex. It may be infrequent, but I'd bet it's still happening. Just check the infidelity board, most of the BW's report that they were still having sex when their H's were telling the OW that they were not. so then i call him and tell him i cant be like this and it hurts to much to take a wifes crumbs. But then he becomes full on again and says he loves me and begs me to stick with him. but again the same thing occurs. i feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride. Typical MM pattern. He doesn't want to feel guilty for screwing you around and it's harder to ignore when you profess love to him. But in the end, he doesn't want to lose you, so he'll do whatever he has to do to keep it going. The BW in my case said that she felt she was left with crumbs from me. Isn't it interesting how the MM leave both women feeling pretty much the same way? how do i get the strength to leave him. i have started up drinking and all it does is numb the guilt and he is the same. We drink together to numb our guilt. You will find the strength when you are ready. Maybe you aren't ready yet. Drinking like this is a BAD sign. Please don't hurt yourself over this relationship. He says he will be leaving his wife as soon as he can but the financial situation they are in wont allow it. I heard this line too. You know what it means? There's a price on your head. How much money are you worth to him? That thought always made me ill. He says i am the only other woman he has wanted in 18 years but how would i know this. it seems more and more i see him less and now he asks me to call becuase he doesnt want my number to show up anywhere. i feel like an awful person and like nothing to him. Classic. For all that he loves you (and he very well may love you deeply), he is still prioritizing his M (and his W) above you. He will have contact and see you, but only if it doesn't upset the applecart. Unfortunately you've sent him implicit messages that you'll put up with this. So right now he's feeling like the luckiest guy on earth having his cake and eating it too. why cant he just let me go. how can a man say he loves you and hurt you so bad. I need help and support to leave this relationship behind. i know it wont be easy. thanks He won't let you go because just like he ignores the possibility of hurting his W to have an A with you, he's able to ignore that he's hurting you by staying with his W. It's all about HIM. He is so euphoric over having all his needs met by two different women he will not face what he's really doing. You've tried to tell him and he backs off because he can't handle that truth. I can guarantee you that if you continue your same behaviors, he will continue his. You have to change the dynamic somehow, to protect yourself. Since this is hurting you so much, I think your best bet is to leave and try to heal. If he truly wants a future with you AND is able to deal with his life like an adult, he will come back to you as a single man. The trouble with a lot of these MM is that although they want out, they can't deal in relationships as an adult and deal with their lives. And truly, he needs to show you if he can do that or not. If he can't, you are much better or without him anyway, no?
MistyK Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Rosie Ive just been on another post discussing my situation with my husbands relationship with another woman. He painted a poor picture of me to her and told her how wonderul she is and Im left to pick up the crumbs. It really hurts to have a man thats cheating on you. He had to tell her negative things about me in order to appease his own conscience. So from my perpspective as the wife it feels terrible knowing another woman is wooing her way into his life. Please have the decency to pack up and leave no matter how hard. There will be no winners in the end. Zilgurl, Could it be that he's telling her bad things about you not to appease his conscience, but rather to gain the OW's pity? It's a well-known game MM play to reel OW in to "save" them from their awful W's. It works particularly well with codependent OW. Honestly it doesn't sound like you make your H take any responsibility AT ALL. You're looking at the OW as a threat, but the real threat to your M here is your H and his actions.
LaGazelle Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 anyways thing havent been going for very long. I have broken it off many times already. it seems just when i feel he is getting closer to me and he loves me and i tell him i love him, he backs right off and even ignores me. so then i call him and tell him i cant be like this and it hurts to much to take a wifes crumbs. But then he becomes full on again and says he loves me and begs me to stick with him. but again the same thing occurs. i feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride. how do i get the strength to leave him. i have started up drinking and all it does is numb the guilt and he is the same. We drink together to numb our guilt. He says he will be leaving his wife as soon as he can but the financial situation they are in wont allow it. He says i am the only other woman he has wanted in 18 years but how would i know this. it seems more and more i see him less and now he asks me to call becuase he doesnt want my number to show up anywhere. i feel like an awful person and like nothing to him. why cant he just let me go. how can a man say he loves you and hurt you so bad. I need help and support to leave this relationship behind. i know it wont be easy. thanks Rosey, I am so sorry you are going through this, but you are already in the right direction, you just need to keep the momentum going forward, and soon you will leave this prick behind. Listen, this on-off business is just a reflection that he is playing you like a cheap violin. I think you know that. So instead of "why can't he just let me go", you need to ask yourself why you can't let him go. I think the best bet is to drop him unceremoniously, and get busy, so you don't even have time for him. Sure your emotions won't just switch off, but you need to stay in control of them. This man does not control you, and your emotions don't control you. You control yourself and have the power to stay in control of this. Oh and BTW, a former married colleague of mine tried a similar line with me "you are the first woman I have ever found attractive in all of 20 years of being with my wife". I gave him a nonchalant response and when he persisted, I informed him (not ASKED) that he should never contact me again since he couldn't stay in his "colleague" box. Good luck.
LaGazelle Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 No i dont want anymore cat and mouse game. Its happening tonite. he texts me from work. he does night shift this week. Because i have only answered a couple of his texts and only with one word at that, he sends me a text saying i am the best lover he has ever had lol saying how great it makes him feel. it's all about him. he cant see anyone else. Spot on. To him, he's the player, and you are just the cheap violin. It is all about him. It's his show... Run Rosey Run!
fooled once Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi, I'm 37 and this is the first time i have been involved with a married man. When he first asked me out he said he was seperated and i had nothing to worry about. i was already very attracted to him but didnt dare act on it as i thought he was married. But he told me his story and i thought going out for a coffee couldnt hurt. he was incredibly attentive and really desired me so much. he's very handsome and the chemistry is amazing. we were both shaking from even the slightest touch. But i then learnt he was actually living in the same home as his wife but in seperate rooms. she refuses to have sex with him. so he says hey. But he has never been nonchalant about it. Always worrying and feeling guilty. so have i. i it seems no matter how hard we try we cant stay apart. anyways thing havent been going for very long. I have broken it off many times already. it seems just when i feel he is getting closer to me and he loves me and i tell him i love him, he backs right off and even ignores me. so then i call him and tell him i cant be like this and it hurts to much to take a wifes crumbs. But then he becomes full on again and says he loves me and begs me to stick with him. but again the same thing occurs. i feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride. how do i get the strength to leave him. i have started up drinking and all it does is numb the guilt and he is the same. We drink together to numb our guilt. He says he will be leaving his wife as soon as he can but the financial situation they are in wont allow it. He says i am the only other woman he has wanted in 18 years but how would i know this. it seems more and more i see him less and now he asks me to call becuase he doesnt want my number to show up anywhere. i feel like an awful person and like nothing to him. why cant he just let me go. how can a man say he loves you and hurt you so bad. I need help and support to leave this relationship behind. i know it wont be easy. thanks Your title of this post is you don't want to be the other woman. Well, you are. And only YOU can change that. No one is making you be the OW. No one is forcing you to. He has shown you through his actions how much you mean to him. Talk is cheap. He isn't leaving his wife for you. So you have two plans of action: Continue to be the OW and just deal with it STOP being the OW and let him go. If you have to drink to get over the guilt (and him included) what does that tell you? He has you exactly where he wants you -- begging for time with him and playing a game. He knows because of your actions he can treat you like crap and you will continue to take him back. STOP that and take action. If you are THIS unhappy - what are you getting from the relationship?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I kinda fel sorry for you but dont because you have the right to choose. Forget chemistry, and all of that other stuff. he's married, that should be your only concern you see your guilt is getting to you. If you want to change things you have to change them on your own. And i wouldnt trust what he's saying about his wife either. MM are known to lie and prey on vulnerable women. Dont fall for it... Is it just me or does Chrome seem to have a little more compassion in this post? Maybe I'm just in a better place these days and seeing how I should have listened more closely in the beginning. Rosey, please if things are muddy, listen to the kind people here and don't wait until you can see things more clearly. You can't see them clearly and that's why you are here, right?
Author rosey77 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Zillgirl, Iam sorry you are having these issues with your H. But I agree with Misty K. You seem to think it is all the OW like you say 'doing the wooing' This man i have been seeing says his wife cant even cook, never washes clothes, doesnt clean etc etc. I have ended things with him almost on a weekly basis. Telling him to go back to his wife and seek counselling. i told him if he still loves her there is hope and it is the right thing to do. I know i dont make it easy by letting him back but it is a new experience to me. I'm too trusting a person and I belived what he said about his hellish marriage. I cared about him and wanted to be with him. I fell for him. But you know i never initiate any of our contact. i never call him first of text him first. I am going to walk away. But you know it's no bed of roses being the OW. I wanted to belive we had something special and i wanted to believe his stories. I bet his wife is beautiful. I bet she tried her best and that she is also very unhappy with the marriage. i bet she is lovely. He is doing his dmanest to protect his family. I think there is something very very weak about these men. The man I am seeing is obviously a master at manipulting women. he knows all ther right things to say and he did from the start. He probably knows all the right things to say to his wife. he doesnt have the emotional strength to maintain an authentic relationship but he has the strength to scheme and plot and lie. wot kinda person does this. You cant go blaming the OW all the time. These men have gotta take some resposibility for their actions. I am certainly no feme fatale swanning about in lingerie. I'm not here to ruin a marriage.. I'm leaving him to that.
Author rosey77 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Everyone , thank you so much for all the great advice. i am so glad i posted here. i am going to ditch this guy and never look back. Everyone is right here. he is playing me like a cheap fiddle. I am allowing myself to be his toilet basically while he continuous with his marriage. I have never before taken another womans man and i dont know how i coulda entertained such a thing this time. I can tell you now if she ever found out and it went around town, he would not be here with me to comfort me or protect me. he would be at home with his wife crawling up her backside, begging for forgiveness. he is a prick! a giant turd. pardon the french. It's just hard you know. but i can do it. I am going to stay at a friends plce in another town where he cant find me and i will dump his sorry a$$, turn off my phone and get on with my life with my head held high. thanks so much everyone. you have all really helped.
4everloveu Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I'm glad that you can put up with that and move on. In a long way, you will save lot of headached and heartached. Time will help you heal. "Hugs"
bentnotbroken Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Is it just me or does Chrome seem to have a little more compassion in this post? Maybe I'm just in a better place these days and seeing how I should have listened more closely in the beginning. Rosey, please if things are muddy, listen to the kind people here and don't wait until you can see things more clearly. You can't see them clearly and that's why you are here, right? Exactly. You must be in a better place. He has always shown that compassion for those who are willing to accept it the way he gives it.
fooled once Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Everyone , thank you so much for all the great advice. i am so glad i posted here. i am going to ditch this guy and never look back. Everyone is right here. he is playing me like a cheap fiddle. I am allowing myself to be his toilet basically while he continuous with his marriage. I have never before taken another womans man and i dont know how i coulda entertained such a thing this time. I can tell you now if she ever found out and it went around town, he would not be here with me to comfort me or protect me. he would be at home with his wife crawling up her backside, begging for forgiveness. he is a prick! a giant turd. pardon the french. It's just hard you know. but i can do it. I am going to stay at a friends plce in another town where he cant find me and i will dump his sorry a$$, turn off my phone and get on with my life with my head held high. thanks so much everyone. you have all really helped. I am so glad you are seeing how much better your life will be. You will hurt, you will be sad and you will grieve. But ultimately, in your next relationship, you won't be competing with a wife, you won't be spending holidays alone while he is with his family and you will be his PRIORITY, not his piece on the side. GOOD LUCK!!
sweetjasmine Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 He is doing his dmanest to protect his family. I don't think he is doing his damndest to protect his family if he's manipulating you and lying to them instead of either fixing his marriage or getting a divorce. Sorry you had to go through it, but good for you for deciding to ditch him.
tami-chan Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 hi rosey! sorry you are going through this, but like a lot of people here have said, you are headed towards the right direction on what is acceptable and good for you. You are not a cheap violin he is playing, you are someone he finds attractive enough to betray his wife and probably "irresistible" enough to compromise whatever morals he believe in. Sometimes that's all there is to it-nothing more. Since what he is offering or bringing to the relationship is not good enough for you then, you must do the right thing for you----walk away. The reason(s) he is giving you on why he is staying in his marriage is irrelevant-fact is, he is not leaving the marriage-not for himself, not for you, not even for his wife, so she can find someone else worthy of her fidelity. So what to do? first things first, tell him what he can give you does not cut it. Better yet, just all together establish no-contact without explaining why. He would already know. Then block his number from your phone...or change your phone number...Difficult to do, I know...but truly TIME will make it easier...
ednadean Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 anyways thing havent been going for very long. I have broken it off many times already. it seems just when i feel he is getting closer to me and he loves me and i tell him i love him, he backs right off and even ignores me. so then i call him and tell him i cant be like this and it hurts to much to take a wifes crumbs. But then he becomes full on again and says he loves me and begs me to stick with him. but again the same thing occurs. i feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride. when he backs off ignore him and DONT contact. he won't change...looks like he only wants you as long as you're low maintenance and a only avaiable when HE wants. like someone else said, men like this want affairs not divorces. hang in there and be strong - and let him go. He can't have you if you've already let him go.
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