Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 My BFF didn't have her first real relationship until she was about 23. She married that guy 5 years later. I do believe they've struggled as a result of her lack of experience, because she had to go through the process of learning about what she needs in a relationship after already being married. As for you, Isolde... I don't think it's a red flag for guys who aren't looking for a relationship. For those who are, and who do have experience under their belt and have learned a bit about what they want, they may shy away from you if they're looking for someone who also knows themself and what they want. Regardless of gender, trying to have a relationship with someone who's got a TON of growing and learning to do can be quite frustrating.
Author Isolde Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 My BFF didn't have her first real relationship until she was about 23. She married that guy 5 years later. I do believe they've struggled as a result of her lack of experience, because she had to go through the process of learning about what she needs in a relationship after already being married. As for you, Isolde... I don't think it's a red flag for guys who aren't looking for a relationship. For those who are, and who do have experience under their belt and have learned a bit about what they want, they may shy away from you if they're looking for someone who also knows themself and what they want. Regardless of gender, trying to have a relationship with someone who's got a TON of growing and learning to do can be quite frustrating. Thanks for the honest answer, SG. This is the kind of input I was looking for. Given what you said, what would your advice be for someone in the bolded situation, who wants a R of sorts and not just a "fling"? In other words, what's the best one can make of this scenario?
Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Given what you said, what would your advice be for someone in the bolded situation, who wants a R of sorts and not just a "fling"? In other words, what's the best one can make of this scenario? I'm really not sure. I'd say date, just to date, but you said you don't want to do that...and I can understand why. But on the other hand, the only way one can learn about what one really wants and needs, is to get out there and date someone who's not what one wants and needs...if that makes sense. Kinda like buying a car. You've got some money to spend on one, and may know what appeals to you best from the outside, but how do you really know what works best for you without test driving a few? You don't have to sleep with them, or even makeout with them, but you can date, date, date your heart out and still learn a LOT about people and yourself. When asked about your relationship history, you could simply say you've dated a lot, but haven't found anyone who you felt that extra something special with (while batting your eyes)... suggesting that you're absolutely open to it, when it's right for you. I guess the key is to direct fault away from yourself, and just at not having the right timing. But yeah... I'd just date, date, date...
Author Isolde Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 I'm really not sure. I'd say date, just to date, but you said you don't want to do that...and I can understand why. But on the other hand, the only way one can learn about what one really wants and needs, is to get out there and date someone who's not what one wants and needs...if that makes sense. Kinda like buying a car. You've got some money to spend on one, and may know what appeals to you best from the outside, but how do you really know what works best for you without test driving a few? You don't have to sleep with them, or even makeout with them, but you can date, date, date your heart out and still learn a LOT about people and yourself. When asked about your relationship history, you could simply say you've dated a lot, but haven't found anyone who you felt that extra something special with (while batting your eyes)... suggesting that you're absolutely open to it, when it's right for you. I guess the key is to direct fault away from yourself, and just at not having the right timing. But yeah... I'd just date, date, date... This is reasonable advice and I can see why you're giving it. I've been trying to go on dates, but believe me, I haven't had any chances lately. It is not like I'm crossing people off a list based on hypothetical incompatibilities. So one more question. Do you think the process of dating in itself helps one develop and mature relationship wise, even if the dates don't progress to any sort of relationship?
Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 This is reasonable advice and I can see why you're giving it. I've been trying to go on dates, but believe me, I haven't had any chances lately. It is not like I'm crossing people off a list based on hypothetical incompatibilities. Try OD. Seriously. So one more question. Do you think the process of dating in itself helps one develop and mature relationship wise, even if the dates don't progress to any sort of relationship? Absolutely. What do you think people do between relationships? They date! I learned more about myself in the year between my ex and my current BF (due to the several jerkfaces and nice guys who did nothing for me that I dated during the interim between the two), than I did in the 15 years of dating before that!
BobSacamento Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Try OD. Seriously. Absolutely. What do you think people do between relationships? They date! I learned more about myself in the year between my ex and my current BF (due to the several jerkfaces and nice guys who did nothing for me that I dated during the interim between the two), than I did in the 15 years of dating before that! So true SG. You just have to weed out the weirdos and the psycho paths by the 2nd and 3rd date lol. That's how I look at dating, weeding out or try outs lol.
Author Isolde Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 OD hasn't been very useful in the past for me, but I suppose there is no harm in following SG's advice and at least putting up a profile again.
fral945 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Isolde, I agree with the other posters that recommend you date just to date. I was like you a few years ago and I eventually forced myself to date a girl I wasn't too interested in just to get some experience. We didn't date long but it was a major stepping stone for me. When it comes to starting dating, go in with an open mind and low expectations. When you are starting out, a bad experience is better than none at all. Treat it as a learning experience if nothing else.
Author Isolde Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Isolde, I agree with the other posters that recommend you date just to date. I was like you a few years ago and I eventually forced myself to date a girl I wasn't too interested in just to get some experience. We didn't date long but it was a major stepping stone for me. When it comes to starting dating, go in with an open mind and low expectations. When you are starting out, a bad experience is better than none at all. Treat it as a learning experience if nothing else. I hear you. I have firm boundaries about dating just to date though. A couple dates are ok but "making out" and leading someone on (or allowing myself to be led on, for that matter) are not. I'm sure I'll meet someone where there's mutual interest eventually, I just seriously doubt it'll be through OD.
Green Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I hear you. I have firm boundaries about dating just to date though. A couple dates are ok but "making out" and leading someone on (or allowing myself to be led on, for that matter) are not. I'm sure I'll meet someone where there's mutual interest eventually, I just seriously doubt it'll be through OD. I also doubt online dating will work out for you, and you shouldn't put to much time, effort, or hope in it. But it couldn't hurt just to try it for entertainment purposes.
alphamale Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 At what age does a girl not having had an R become a yellow flag? . i would say 30
thegreatmoose Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 So anymore of you want to say something about what age would make you "give pause" or think the girl's situation is unusual? Never mind my particular situation, let's just be general. So far answers have ranged from 17-mid twenties. I am not comparing myself to anyone else, it's just a poll of sorts. No age, why judge someone's past without knowing the facts?
Author Isolde Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 No age, why judge someone's past without knowing the facts? I agree. I think one of the advantages of LS is you can see the real diversity of experiences and you stop making assumptions and generalizations. On the other hand I can see why someone would take pause at something like this or even why their preferences might go against it, but yeah, there's a bigger context here, so speaking from experience, I don't think anyone in this situation should be insecure about it, provided they're taking the kinds of actions that seem right to them.
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