SidLyon Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 It's about 10 months after d-day for me and I still have frequent doubts about whether my H and I will "make it". Having said that we are making progress still, and my doubts are getting less. It seems to me there are 3 (possibly more) options open to a BS once d-day has occurred. 1. Split up almost immediately. 2. Attempt marriage reconciliation/rebuilding and be successful. 3. Attempt reconciliation/rebuilding but realise after a time that it just isn't going to work so then split up. For those that experienced 2 or 3 I just wondered how long the BSs lasted in attempts at marriage reconciliation before either deciding that it was all too much trouble and splitting up or before realising that the marriage was saved/rebuilt? If you split up was this always because the WS re-offended or did anyone split up anyway after attempted reconciliation despite the WS doing everything right and appearing genuine. S
foreal Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Sid I hope someone answers this- I am wondering the same thing: If the WS does everything right ie remorseful, transparent, etc etc, did anyone still split after trying to reconcile? I keep wondering if I am just burning up more time by sticking with this- I love my H but it is obvious to me (now) love is clearly NOT ENOUGH...
bentnotbroken Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 How about 1&3? I pretty much knew immediately that I would never trust him again. Without trust reconciliation is a no go. I just knew that a person who put my life in jeopardy for whatever selfish reason, didn't really love me the way I desire to be loved. Now, Syd. This is your life. How do you see yourself spending the rest of it? What do you want? How do you want to be loved? Is he capable of doing that? Are you capable of letting him love you that way? As you said you are only about 10 months from d-day. Your wounds haven't even begun to scab over good yet. Give yourself time to explore what you need, what you want. Do something for yourself, something you have always wanted to do. I don't think you can make an honest decision about everything until you know who Syd is and what she wants. Be blessed.
Author SidLyon Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Sid I hope someone answers this- I am wondering the same thing: If the WS does everything right ie remorseful, transparent, etc etc, did anyone still split after trying to reconcile? I keep wondering if I am just burning up more time by sticking with this- I love my H but it is obvious to me (now) love is clearly NOT ENOUGH... I guess I'm about 8(?) months further on than you - my H like yours is doing everything right - I am prepared to give it longer especially as there have been a few milestones along the way. For example I no longer obsessively check things such as phone calls, ATM withdrawals, odometer readings etc. But I'm also wondering at what stage, in terms of time, past d-day did BS either decide it was going to work or not. How about 1&3? I pretty much knew immediately that I would never trust him again. Without trust reconciliation is a no go. I just knew that a person who put my life in jeopardy for whatever selfish reason, didn't really love me the way I desire to be loved. Now, Syd. This is your life. How do you see yourself spending the rest of it? What do you want? How do you want to be loved? Is he capable of doing that? Are you capable of letting him love you that way? As you said you are only about 10 months from d-day. Your wounds haven't even begun to scab over good yet. Give yourself time to explore what you need, what you want. Do something for yourself, something you have always wanted to do. I don't think you can make an honest decision about everything until you know who Syd is and what she wants. Be blessed. Does this mean you tried for a while Bent - if so when did you call it quits?
bentnotbroken Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to fight with everything I had. I was prepared to do what ever was necessary, if he had told me the truth. Or at least that's what I thought at the time. I wanted my marriage, it wasn't good by a long shot, but I believed in the covenant and was willing to work on my issues. In short, I loved him. I had loved him since I was a teenager. But the more he opened his mouth, the more lies that came out, the more I realized that I didn't really like that person at all. He was manipulative, cruel, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and felt the world should revolve around him....yet I loved him. The more I thought of the things he had done to me. The more I read the emails and text messages, the more I thought about the things he said to and about our children, the more I realized that we would never work again. My own emotional breakdown, his actions and the pain of my children helped me to understand that as much as I loved him, I should love me more. I was so angry and hurt. The lies hurt more than the A. They hurt even more than him having sex with her in my home. So when he wanted to come home(after ow dumped him), I couldn't allow his poison back into my life. It has been a slow process, but one that has taught me what real love and respect is. That's the love and respect that I have gained for myself.
jwi71 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I did number 3. My now xW had an affair and we immediately went to MC together (that same week of DDay...my insistence). I began a 100% full on effort to improve myself...but my xW did not. Fast Forward 8 months. Not much in HER changed. I, however, am proud to say I was making really good progress. I had begun to run out of patience...her A was still my fault, in fact all the bad was my fault, yadda, yadda, yadda... So, eight months into reconciliation...I had had enough. I filed and she was served two days later. Never looked back. Turns out, I know from an ironclad source (xW eventually admitted it as well) that she had still been seeing her OM during those 8 months. Thank God I filed...I have rough days but trust me, my life is 1000% better now...I was SO tired of her lies and evasion and blaming me for it all...it was a relief.
Owl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I managed #2, but I think that there are a number of factors that 'make a difference' here. What specifically are the two of you doing to recover your marriage? How are you actively WORKING at it? In our case, we did MC every two weeks....for about the first 9 months after d-day. We had an AWESOME counselor who helped us work through a lot of things. We dropped that back to once a month for the next couple of months, and then ended MC at about a year after d-day. We read several books that helped us understand what happened, why, and what to do about it. We implemented a lot of changes in our marriage. We re-prioritized a lot of things to make our marriage and our spouses a much higher priority, we established a lot of things to ensure that we spend a good amount of quality time together, we changed the way that we talk to make sure that we're both able to clearly bring up things that bother us, and we worked to identify and establish some clear cut "boundaries" to keep people outside of our marriage. It was work, there were clear changes made, and it was evident that both of us WANTED to give the marriage a chance. We're now 5 years post d-day, and getting ready to celebrate our 22nd marriage anniversary this fall.
silktricks Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Almost the first words out of my mouth after he told me were... "I don't know if we'll get past this. It will depend on you." We did get past it, and it did depend on him. He really worked at helping me past the pain. He put my mental health ahead of his own and himself. He told me a number of times that he didn't care if he died as long as his death helped me heal. He was a rock. We both made changes to ensure that our marriage took priority, rather than work, hobbies, family or anything else. We make sure we communicate - not just about the big things, but also the little things that formerly we would each slide under the rug. Nothing is too big or too little to bring out and talk about. We make sure every day that we discuss things. If I do something or he does something that sends up shock waves, we don't delay, we talk (well, sometimes shout ) about it. We didn't slide back into old patterns of behavior - and if either of us start to, the other will point it out. We don't take each other for granted and we work at our marriage - as we always should have - but didn't. How long it give it?? Only you can answer that question. I don't think there's a real time-table. I know that it took me about 3 years to feel like I was recovered... maybe more.
Spark1111 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Two years post DDAy, I am finally on solid ground. He has worked hard on himself and on the marriage. The triggers of dates, holidays, restaurants is finally subsiding. It has been a rocky road. I have walked out of marriage counseling when his topic of conversation began to veer towards "poor me." He needed a lot of individual counseling to get under his belt before MC even started to become successful for us. A true turning point is when he allowed himself to start seeing his affair partner in a more realistic light. true love? Uh, no. They mutually used each other, and told each other lies to keep it going and to assauge their guilt over their actions. His shame and remorse is huge, but he had to start to forgive himself for his actions before we could have any meaningful conversation about why he chose to do what he did. Actually, I feel pretty lucky. I think I am ahead of the curve, so to speak. I've read that it can take up to five years to fully recover, so to be finally back to normal at 2 seems like another blessing to be grateful for. And I do not regret it. If I had chosen NOT to remain married to him, I still would have tried this hard. I know, from a stormy childhood, that you want to make life-altering decisions from a position of strength. I was in so much pain, I couldn't see or think straight. I did not want to make a decision I would have regretted in the future. I wanted to be sure I made the right one, whether to stay with him, or to move on. Only you can make that decision for yourself. And you will know what the right decision to make for you will be when the time comes.
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