MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I can relate to all of you. It doesn't matter how much reading I do, putting myself in everyone else's shoes, putting everyone in the different scenarios in the book, it all comes down to how the F do we turn these feelings off and regain our sense of self?
Meaplus3 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. He awakens in you a recognition that yes, you are a unique and beautiful and marvelous being, a kaleidoscope of colors. Everything comes alive from the attention he showers on you, the glow in his eyes when he looks at you. The effect he has on you is what you become addicted to. What we fail to realize is that WE ARE STILL THE SAME WONDERFUL BEINGS regardless of whether he's in our life or not!! We had forgotten that... until the MM comes along who awakens it all in us again. And when that attention is taken away from us, it is like we are withdrawing from an addictive but killer drug. Very painful experience. And exponentially multiplied by the fact that the whole MM/OW relationship is WRONG. It wasn't supposed to happen! If only we could sustain that feeling about ourselves on our own, with or without a man. I think it would help us see things a lot more clearly BEFORE we step into ANY relationship that's not good for us WOW Open, what a great post here. Every word you typed is 100% the truth. Mea:)
ednadean Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 girls who become OW CAN and ARE independent and intelligent etc etc -- but really underneath, I think a lot of us are desperate for affection [not just OWs, all humans] -- and I think it's like one of those things that once you scratch the surface it all jut wells up and explodes. Love makes you go a little crazy. And I think the added complication of being an OW -- which means that your 'partner' is never all that available, makes the potentially craziness 1000 times worse. *sigh*. I know EXACTLY how you feel though.
jj33 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Great points Edean. Often it is like scratching the surface and then it all explodes. I know for me it was ike that. And the availability issue. If an issue arises in the relationship and you cant communicate with the other person, it festers and becomes bigger than it may really be. And that feeling of being second is not something that is easy to take. I think there is also an issue of wanting to validate your choice for some of us - Mino expressed it well. Not so much winning him tho it is that for some people, but making a success of the relationship in whatever form or shape it has taken. And its a challenge as the MM is often juggling twice as much as he might if he were faithful, which means he has less energy for all parts of his life.
joybean72 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I think this thread is where a lot of BS's & OW's can agree ....taking back YOUR power can piss them off right nicely! (but in all actuallity...it's been there all along!)
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 I think this thread is where a lot of BS's & OW's can agree ....taking back YOUR power can piss them off right nicely! (but in all actuallity...it's been there all along!) If it's there all along (which I really like the thought of, by the way) why can't we see it? Much less feel it? I wonder if it's because subconsciously we know that to take back our power probably means the end of the A... But if that's the case, why can it take so long after the A has ended to feel as though you've regained it? Some days I feel strong again and other days I feel like the wind could blow me over... ugh...
delajoonal Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 im glad to see that just as WOMEN we came together with this thread.... that is so important...women are special, i just believe we need to be here for each other...men are so much dif from us...and well, women...we just get it... see, even the OW and the BS(W) are agreeing, sharing and opening up... hats off to the author of this thread....and thank you:)
ednadean Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Great points Edean. Often it is like scratching the surface and then it all explodes. I know for me it was ike that. And the availability issue. If an issue arises in the relationship and you cant communicate with the other person, it festers and becomes bigger than it may really be. And that feeling of being second is not something that is easy to take. I think there is also an issue of wanting to validate your choice for some of us - Mino expressed it well. Not so much winning him tho it is that for some people, but making a success of the relationship in whatever form or shape it has taken. And its a challenge as the MM is often juggling twice as much as he might if he were faithful, which means he has less energy for all parts of his life. aww thanks just adding from your one -- I think the other element that makes OW go a little crazy is that most of us undertake a VERY subordinate role. I know that I NEVER called, I always waited for him to call me, I was always there for HIS problems, I was always there to cheer him up, I was always willing to drop everything to meet him --- and you take these crumbs and you think it's enough -- but REALLY you're not getting much back at all, maybe 10% from him from you 150%. I think that makes us go a little crazy. I also think the fact taht we can't see our 'partners' very often makes us obsess about them. I know that when my EA was in full swing I would check my email 100 times a day, every SMS I received I thought would be him [it rarely was], I would always think about what he doing etc...just because seeing him was so rare and such a treat. My goodness -- we put ourselves through some ridiculous situations.
make lemonade Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 taking back YOUR power can piss them off right nicely! (but in all actuallity...it's been there all along!) So true....I just wish i knew how to take back that power!!!
make lemonade Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I was always there for HIS problems, I was always there to cheer him up, I was always willing to drop everything to meet him --- and you take these crumbs and you think it's enough -- but REALLY you're not getting much back at all, maybe 10% from him from you 150%. I think that makes us go a little crazy. I also think the fact taht we can't see our 'partners' very often makes us obsess about them. I know that when my EA was in full swing I would check my email 100 times a day, every SMS I received I thought would be him [it rarely was], I would always think about what he doing etc...just because seeing him was so rare and such a treat. My goodness -- we put ourselves through some ridiculous situations. And again, so so so very true!
ladydesigner Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Originally Posted by joybean72 taking back YOUR power can piss them off right nicely! (but in all actuallity...it's been there all along!) God I certainly hope this is true. i just declared NC and felt as if I did get my power back, and you know what I really hope it hit my xOM where it really hurts. I am tired of being in pain...time to move on.
Holding-On Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I think maybe it is the same psychological condition as gambling. If you give variable, intense rewards at random intervals people become hooked. If you can count on someone and know when and where things will happen, you have some control and some power. When you allow him to call the shots randomly, it messes you up.
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